Has she taken me for granted? Has she left me forever? Or is she testing me?

[iamapuppy]

Here's a little information and history about me (in the italicized part):

I am a 23 years old male. I'm in a steady relationship (by God's grace). From my childhood, I have been through very tough and challenging stages of my life, in terms of mental and physical agony. The strong support and love I received from women, made me the philogynist I am, today.

As I waded through my life and had been the witness to the cruel pangs of the society upon women, an exceptional love for the womankind grew within my heart. I can't tolerate any girl being cheated, hated or molested. I'm not exaggerating, but to tell you a truth, I feel the utmost pain within whenever I see a girl crying and I become restless to contact her and comfort her with all the love I have.

Also I have slight to moderate obsessive-compulsive disorder and that makes me really anxious time to time for the people in my life, making me vulnerable to get hurt, as I drop my shield and open my heart to all. In my past ventures to help, comfort and provide mental support to suffering women, I was the one, who got dejected finally, as the women found their new way of life and totally forgot the person, who gave all his love to them.

I never hide anything of my life, from my girlfriend. I never cheat her and also tell her that I love girls. She's fine with that and trusts me completely. (She knows everything of the incident below):


This is the problem I'm currently facing:

June 2012: I met a girl (who is of my age), in Yahoo! Answers, who was in a terrible condition of her mind, and was determined to commit suicide and end her pain, as her 6 years' boyfriend dumped her. She said they had sex several times and now her boyfriend suddenly gave her the news that he's getting married with another girl, thus shattering her heart, leaving her to choose death, over veritable suffering.
She lost all contacts with the world and withdrew herself into a cocoon. She became extremely irritable, had mood swings and became totally unsocial and 'mad' according to her words. She said that the best psychiatrist in her city failed to take her into normal life.

I emailed her and promised some obvious things (that I'd never ask her name, address, phone number or ask her any uncomfortable questions.) and offered to help her to the very best of my knowledge.

We chatted only through Yahoo! Messenger. No other form of contact.

August to September: The chatting became regular and multiple times a day. I told her about a little bit of my life to make her feel strong. She often got extremely irritated and hurt me a lot, but I never ever hurt her back or ever told her that she hurt me. Only I continued sharing her pain, giving her advice, inspiring her, making her see the brighter side of life, giving her the assurance that everything would be fine and that I am forever beside her, never leave her or ignore her any moment. I always put myself in her shoes and loved her and helped her to the fullest, to the best of my abilities.

Finally I realized that in my pursuit to overcome a challenge to heal her heart, I was deeply in love with her.

September to October: Whenever she didn't talk to me for a few days, hurt me or ignored me, I cried silently in my bed. I used to wait and wait for her all night if she got online. But she did not. I bet you that I had never been a bit hurtful or boring and everyday I brought her new dimensions to think about and live life.

One night in October after 14 days of silent treatment, she suddenly IM ed me asking to forget her and that she'd never come online again. Reason: She was good and fine now and didn't need my support anymore.
I was so hurt that I cried all night in my bed. The next morning, I pretended to be strong and sent her a few IMs. The last one of my IMs stated, "I truly love you will always love you, never hurt you or ignore you."

We both knew mine was unconditional and agape love.


A few days later she continued chatting, but irregularly. I always told her how much she means to me so that she never felt small while taking help and support from me. She chatted only her problems and after she had done for that night, she'd randomly go offline and sometimes, even without saying it. Once, I couldn't chat for a few days because of a painful infection that I was suffering from. I told that to her. But when we resumed chatting, she didn't even bother to ask how I was and she went straight to her problems and went offline when she had done talking only about her problems and nothing else.

Even with the hurts and ignorance that I received, I always put up my 'smile' infront of her and helped her to the best of my abilities. I even ignored people, concerts and parties, if those fell within our scheduled chatting time.


I never let anything be known to her that somewhere I was bleeding inside.




November: We chatted all November, everyday, but only about her current problems. I was facing a deep seated problem of my life then (which God sort out later on. ) One day, I wished to share but she paid a little heed. Sometimes I left her offline messages about some inspirational words or some sweet question, but she never responded to them. (But I always did respond to all of her messages.) I felt it was okay, as she was not in a good mental condition, anyway and never brought up that topic.

If I did anything that I felt might have hurt her (although it was very very insignificant, and always intended to be taken as a joke), I continually beg her forgiveness. Even after she went offline, I begged her for apology and continued, until my heart was feeling light. She would respond the next day with, "You are really stupid."

25th November: She got wedding invitation from her ex-bf, ironically, and she was extremely devastated all of a sudden. I gave her all day, leaving my work aside, and on 30th, she was feeling way better. I was dancing literally, as she was so happy. (I always dance when she feels happy for me. ) She told me many wonderful and sweet words and that she was lucky to get me. I was totally overwhelmed!

1st December: She didn't come online. I was a bit worried about her health, as it was unusual, after a month of regular attendance. I sent her multiple IMs, but she didn't reply.

2nd December: I was super-tensed about her, health and what could have happened. No reply.

3rd December: I begged her for a reply and became so tensed that I started feeling sick. As there was no other means of communicating her (Even I don't know her name till now, let alone phone number! I never asked her as I promised and I always respect a girl's privacy, a lot.), I sent her multiple IMs, begging for a bit of information about how she is.

4th December: She left an offline message, "I am fine. What happened? Why are you reacting so stupid?"

I was shocked! Just shocked, as tears streamed down my face and a stabbing pain surfaced on my chest.

5th: She didn't come online

6th: She started without any formality or regret. She told she was talking to another boy since the last 5 days and the boy was asking her some personal questions and she needed my advice whether to share her past with him. After she was done, as usual, she went offline, without telling me anything else.

And it's all the infernal silence beyond!
And the silence is continuing still now.

Why is she doing like this? I always say her good morning and good night and "I miss you" and make her feel that she's never alone. But she never responds.

Please help me. What should I do in this situation?

I just can't seem to recollect myself. I am totally confused.

Has she left me forever?
Has she taken me for granted and needs me whenever she needs any help?
Is she testing me?
Should I wait?
Should I move on? (I think it's very tough for me.)
I always check in invisible mode whether she's online, come online at our specified time, but nowadays she's never online.

Well, I never wanted anything else from her, rather than a lifetime of remembrance and a little respect. Did I deserve to be treated like this? Was it my fault anywhere?

Please help me mend my broken heart tonight. In my conquest to heal others, now I lay shattered, with the pieces of my annihilated heart lying all around me. I'm feeling depressed, dejected and unwanted.

[Cerby]

Well, I never wanted anything else from her, rather than a lifetime of remembrance and a little respect. Did I deserve to be treated like this? Was it my fault anywhere?

This is a lie to us, but also to yourself. You said yourself you love this girl, so it isn't about remembering or respect, you want her to reciprocate your feelings, and she doesn't.

Read this article here, it is from this site. You're looking for someone damaged to fix and care for, this is a problem.

http://www.loveforum.net/threads/26633-Description-of-the-Shining-Knight-Syndrome

[iamapuppy]

This is a lie to us, but also to yourself. You said yourself you love this girl, so it isn't about remembering or respect, you want her to reciprocate your feelings, and she doesn't.

Read this article here, it is from this site. You're looking for someone damaged to fix and care for, this is a problem.

Description-of-the-Shining-Knight-Syndrome

Many thanks for the great link! I have discovered a bit more about myself. Thank you very much!

Now, I'm feeling a lot better!