Need a woman's interpretation and advice

[LongLost]

I had a very strange thing occur recently that I'd really like some help with.

I was in a very deep relationship with a woman about 5-6 years ago. I had thought this was the woman I was going to marry. She dumped me after I had gone through some major life traumas, it took me a very long time to deal with that loss along with what I had been going through at the time. I have since been in 2 very bad relationships and always had a desire to have that energy with someone else that I had with her.

When we were dating, we had been really close with each others familys. A few weeks ago my stepfather passed away, and after not talking with her in a long time, she called to tell me she was sorry he died. We talked for a while regarding that, as well as catching up. I had known that she's been in a relationship for the past 4 years, and she's been living with him for 3 years. I don't know why I did this, but at some point I had asked her for general hope sake if she had ever found the energy her and I had with anyone else. I asked because I wanted to know if it was possible that I could find that again.

She paused for a bit and stated to me that she had not found that again, and that she messed up badly when she dumped me. I asked her if she is happy, and she answered that she's not miserable. The next day she sent an email asking if she should send something to the fmily and ended the email with I love you. She has called me a number of times since (once or twice a week), and I am feeling slightly tortured again finding these feelings I had with her back then, and feeling helpless that she is going home everynight to someone else. Since that email whn shes called it seems more as a friend, and when Ive told her I miss her, she's told me not to start, but sounding like she is feeling the same.

My question is this. Why would she tell me that? What does it sound like she wants? What should I do at this point? Its not killing me as bad as that breakup did, but its creating this damn feeling inside that crosses hurt, hope, and confusion and I am hoping I can get a woman's perspective to shed some clarity here. Sorry for the book, and thanks in advance for any feedback.

[anachronistic]

i'm no lady, but from what you've shared with us, i'd determine that she still loves you.

i am not sure if it would be 'okay' to steal her away from her current boyfriend... or would that be indian giving? bah..

goodluck to ya, and may the women respond to you one of these days. they're all sleeping right now.. cept indie

[vashti]

I think it is a matter of the grass being greener. I think if you are interested in her, tell her she shouldn't contact you again until she has dumped her boyfriend because you aren't interested in sharing.

[IndiReloaded]

What Vash said, but maybe be a bit more gentle in your actual wording.

It sounds like she mbe still cares. But I'd be wary of anyone using the word Love when you've been apart for so long. Mbe she does, but its not demonstrating a lot of sensitivity on her part to be even potentially dragging your heart thru the 'emotional wringer' like that. Esp since it sounds like she was the one who dumped you, knowing full well how you felt about her.

As an outsider not really knowing her, of course, she sounds potentially selfish. I mean, she's seeing someone else and telling *you* she loves you? WTF? After all this time & after dumping you? I'd tread carefully.

Set some boundaries. Insist she sort things out w/her current boyfriend before you consider going any further (would you want someone to be doing this to you)?

[FallingHeart]

She is probably just aa confused as you are, except she doesn't have anything to lose by flirting with you... so she probably thinks what the heck? Have fun with it, but procede with caution. Keep other options open, but if you two get closer, ask yourself if you can trust her. If she's saying these things to you while in a relationship, will she ever be satisfied?

[LongLost]

Thanks for the responses so far. I've been told by others a while ago that they are not in the greatest relationship, constant fighting, and not many people like the guy, thats besides the fact though.

When we had the conversation that night, she had told me she broke it off with me because she was afraid, she had never been that close and felt that deep with anyone before, nor after...like me. The factor I didnt bring up was she has a kid that is insulin dependant diabetic, and she lives 60 miles away....that was always an underlying issue. The son is now 17 and can take alot better care of himself now then he could back then.

She used the word love that one day, and has kind of chosen her words wisely since. She definitely cares, but is between a rock and a hard place right now.

I don't think I have it in me to tell her not to call me until this guy is gone, I might have to eventually do that, there is no way I can keep this going like this for too long, but not yet. I really do hate being in this spot.

[vashti]

I hate seeing mothers of dependent children wrapped up in relationship drama. It's even worse when it is the parent of a child who is so medically needy. If I were you, LL, I would be asking myself why she has time for *any* man right now. Diabetes is a heavy-duty disease.

[nuttybuddy]

If you can bear the misery of how she's not breaking up with that guy and yet keeping in touch with you.... I say good luck. But I think you are just gonna get tired of it. And after your heart's been stomped on all over again, maybe you'll finally say enough is enough.

But it sounds like since her relationship with her current bf isn't all that great (i.e.they fight all the time) and she admits that she's never really connected with anyone like she did with you, maybe you still have a chance of getting her back. But I say, it's her choice and all you can do is wait.

But speaking a little tangent from this topic... this woman sounds like she's real lucky with men. I mean, if she's had a child with some guy, and then she had this deep emotional connection with you, and now she's living with her bf..... i don't think she's ever lived her life without a man in her life.

i donno.... she has a lot of baggage.... always needing a man.
i'm sure you got your baggage too, but is she really all that you are making her out to be? I mean, come on! I'm sure there are more women out there without such baggage. Maybe you feel like your baggage meets fairly well with hers. I donno.

[sadie_genie]

Sounds like she still have feelings for you. But whether she wants to leave her current boyfriend for you is HER CHOICE. Do not attempt to steal her away. Let HER decide what will make HER happy.

[Gigabitch]

^^^ That. I agree completely.

[LongLost]

If you can bear the misery of how she's not breaking up with that guy and yet keeping in touch with you.... I say good luck. But I think you are just gonna get tired of it. And after your heart's been stomped on all over again, maybe you'll finally say enough is enough.

But it sounds like since her relationship with her current bf isn't all that great (i.e.they fight all the time) and she admits that she's never really connected with anyone like she did with you, maybe you still have a chance of getting her back. But I say, it's her choice and all you can do is wait.

But speaking a little tangent from this topic... this woman sounds like she's real lucky with men. I mean, if she's had a child with some guy, and then she had this deep emotional connection with you, and now she's living with her bf..... i don't think she's ever lived her life without a man in her life.

i donno.... she has a lot of baggage.... always needing a man.
i'm sure you got your baggage too, but is she really all that you are making her out to be? I mean, come on! I'm sure there are more women out there without such baggage. Maybe you feel like your baggage meets fairly well with hers. I donno.

Thanks for this feedback nutty, I get the feeling I will eventually get sick of it.....but I have this need to hang in there right now.

She was married 18 years ago and had a son. He was diagnosed with the diabetes when he was 6 months old, he is 17 now and they have it under control as much as they could....that was definitely not an area she was ever lacking. She had been single for 3 years until she met me, and apparently single a little over a year after me. She's a very independant person to a large extent. Those issues never really entered the picture I guess until location entered the picture as something she got freaked out about out of nowhere. When I first met her, it was supposed to be just physical. We never expected it to become what it did. The connection we had was more intense than anything I had ever experienced with another human being....thats why as much as I got over that breakup after it happened, the disappointment of what I have found out there dating since has not come close. I hope someone relates to what I'm talking about here.

So as advised here, I haven't been pushing her towards anything rash, havent been prodding..I also have no intention of getting involved anymore than I am while she is involved with the other guy....just hanging in there and seeing what occurs until like you said...I get sick of it.

My confusion regarding the intentions she has out there towards me however is driving me nuts.

[nuttybuddy]

If she's driving you nuts to the point of you can't stand it, then you know that it's time for quits. And although maybe you feel like that's something you just cannot do, once you do it, it might be the ONLY thing that may make her dump her guy and come running to you. (but i'm not guaranteeing anything.)

i'm just saying, when you're ready for quits, be a man and do it. she'll probably find that even more charming. (i know, it's crazy!)

[jane]

I would agree with that too. I think that she most likely still has feelings for you but I dont think you could "steal her away". The choice is up to her. I would also want to be a little cautious, I would think too. She did break up with you once.. Im not sure on the reason but it would make me wonder about it.