Should I keep no contact or contact her?

[fivefootfour]

I've posted on here before but I still don't know what to do. I know this is quite long but advice is really needed. My ex girlfriend split up with me 4 months ago after 1.5 years. She gave reasons such as since she turned 21 she realised she needed to live, sort her life out with career and get some of her old friends back. I was never one to stand in the way of this. Then after she broke up, I knew she meet up with her ex (who cheated on her 2 years before me but they were friends). I still knew her passwords for email, I felt bad for doing it and I found emails to her ex saying miss you (2 weeks after we split).

She still owes me money and she brought me some of the money about a week later, I made out I knew nothing about the ex and left it. Text her a couple of weeks later for the rest but she said when she gets paid. I decided to cut my losses and go no contact for 2-3 months. About 3 weeks ago her gran died so I text her saying my thoughts are with her family, she thanked me. A few days later it was my birthday and she text me saying happy birthday x I thanked her and then she asked me any plans for this year. I replied saying going skiing and doing a degree and asked her the same, she said she's got her grans funeral and loads of interviews. We sent a couple more texts, I showed sympathy dowager her gran and said well done for the interviews. A few days later she unblocked me on facebook (I'm not her friend just can see her profile). It says she's single.

Everyday I still think about her, I have flashback of happy memories with her all the time and I miss her so much. I even avoid certain places and songs because I know how I'll feel. I don't think alot/anything happened with her ex but I don't know for sure. I'm not sure if she knows how this break up has affected me either but it's been the worst months of my life. Do you think I should contact her again?

[steviej]

You did the no contact thing for a long time. During that she didn't contact you, she got on with her life. It sounds like you are still very much hung up on her and aren't willing to let that go. I suppose the more sensible advice is to walk away, do the usual things that are suggested for getting over an ex.

You could get in contact, see if she'll meet, go for a drink etc but it would most likely come to nothing and the whole time your life is on hold whilst you keep feeding that flame of hope which is holding you back from moving on.

Ultimately, you have to do whatever will put your mind at rest. For me, it was sending my ex a long message telling her i understood the reasons she left, that i have no regrets about falling in love with her and how those months with her were the happiest time ever.

To me sending that message was my very last attempt to get her back, and knowing i'd done everything i could brought me a sense of inner peace. Sounds weird i know.
So i think in this situation, maybe you have to get it out of your system that you tried everything and it didn't work, that way you can move on.
If she'll meet you face to face that would be the best way if you're going to tell her, just always remember keep your dignity! No begging, being desperate, needy or pathetic. Strong and confident, lay it on the line.

Do NOT get your hopes up though. See this as you getting closure and being able to move on, as the chances are after this amount of time she has moved on.

[Love&Life]

Beautiful post Steviej... I can only underline what he is saying. But it is hard not to contact, because besides being partners/lovers, you've been each others friends as well. For now I 'd say only general contact, no emotional/sharing contact. After 4 months you're still connected to her...

2 weeks ago we broke up for good and he moved to an other continent. The first week there was no contact, we were both fed up with each other ;-) And although I know he moved on, he sent me an email how he was doing. And that he missed me. I know he misses me as a friend, not as his GF. I asked him not to email me that he misses me, because it made me confused. My head says: no contact at all until he 's out of my system. But it feels so unnatural. FFF, do you think it is healthy to be like robots and have no contact with the ex until they're out of our systems? Or do you think that sharing your feelings with the ex is a part of a grieving and letting-go process?
Is it 'wise' to let them know how we feel? Because in a way it is comforting.

[steviej]

Seems purely down to individual circumstance. When you have a lot of feelings tied up, you need to find some way that'll allow you to move on. Be that cutting contact, pouring your heart out or somewhere inbetween.
The important thing is you recognise when your efforts have failed and to call it a day.

[fivefootfour]

I've tried to move on so hard, 4 months has gone by and i'm still in the same posistion. As I said before she unblocked me on facebook (but shes not on my friend list, I can see abit of her profile) and I can see her comments on her brothers wall as he's still on my friend list. I noticed today that her picture is one from when we were on holiday 3 weeks before we split, I took the photo and we seemed very happy then.

She's always been quite stubborn, she lost contact with some of her friends before we got together and waited for them to make the effort before getting friendly again. I don't know if this is the case now with me and I help think that shes never going to contact me. What do you think, is she not contacting me because i've not made any effort with her after the last contact and she thinks i'm over her or has she moved on and doesn't even think about me anymore?

Some people told me to move on and never contact her again, others have told me to contact her and ask her straight up if she wants to get back together and others have told me to contact her and take it slow. I'm just so confused!?!

[steviej]

There is no one definitive answer. What works for one situation could be completely wrong for another.
Is it the fact that you just miss her, or are you keeping the spark of hope alive?

I don't know whatt the right answer is, you have to think what would be easier to live with? Forgetting her now and staying away, or getting in contact and having the hurt come back even worse if she gives you answers you don't want to hear. (Or possibly not giving you any answers at all! Leaving you more confused and hurt)

You need to decide, but think it through before you act. Don't keep false hope alive, it's been such a long time that she probably has moved on. But maybe you need to find that out first hand.

[fivefootfour]

True...very true. The picture on facebook has confused me even more and got me thinking, surely she thinks of me when she looks at it doesn't she?

See if I contact her, is that going to give her all power again and it will look like I cannot live without her. This might all end up a fairy tale ending because she is feeling the same, or she will make me feel even worse as she has all power again. Its a hard decision but as you say, I might have regrets that I haven't tried everything. I go on hol for a week next weekend so was tempted to text her before I go but I just keep putting it off.

[steviej]

Two ways of looking at that, if you text her before you go away you might taint your holiday either with her reply (negative) or worse no reply...so you can't stop thinking about it waiting for the phone to buzz!
Or if you do it when you get back and it's negative you might start thinking 'should have done that before I went away so I could use the holiday to forget about her"

Just depends what kind of person you are really!
The facebook pic is a good convo starter "hey saw your pic and it brought back great memories of that trip, we had such a great time! How've you been?"
Or something along them lines.

This all comes with a warning that you could end up hurting worse than before...

[fivefootfour]

I'm pretty sure that if I text her she will text back. She said that we could be friends when she ended it but she did block me on facebook a few days later. She also did say maybe we would get back together in the future, but from reading her emails (which I regret), she said I wasn't the one for her along with her life is a mess. This was one of the reasons why I went no contact as well as the thing with her ex (which I don't know for certain if anything happened). I was so tempted to bring this up but never did with her. Its only since I contacted her about her gran she unblocked me. I don't want to end up in the friend zone because I think that will probably f**k my head up even more, I just want to do the right thing.

Thanks for pointing out the possible scenarios.

[Love&Life]

If you need have things clarified, ask it straight away, then you know. Saying things like: "Maybe in the future we'd get together"... is just not fair. I think it is a way to comfort you, make it less painful.

You know FFF, I also keep a little connection with him, I see him on Skype online, and put myself on invisible. I changed his name in my viewer ( into a very funny one, so it makes me smile) But knowing he is online, comforts me in a way, how pethatic it sounds, in a way I am still connected. We skyped 1 hour in the last 2,5 weeks, and it made me so tired I ended it. But then I started emailing him twice the same evening. So real contact is not the way. I know I will stop following him on Skype, I will block him sooner or later. Probably later, because for now I need to do this.
We are not FB-friends, all his exes (who broke up with him) are there. The ones he had a longer relationships are not on his FB-buddies. Besides I am not sure if could do it what you are doing. Seeing her pics and info...maybe chatting with other potential lovers... After 4 months you are still preoccupied with her... pfff, must be hard, don't take it personally, but I hope in 3 months I don't think of my ex every day...

[fivefootfour]

Well I've just returned from holiday, I didn't contact her before as I thought it might ruin the holiday and I get home, go on facebook and see her name my my news feed. I clicked on her profile only to find that she's got a new boyfriend (not her ex either). It's ripped me apart, it's like she's broken up with me again but worse. I feel sick and can't eat. I don't know if I made the right decision in not contacting her and if there was a chance of getting her back but I guess it's too late now. I just don't know what to do now, I can't seem to move on or forget her and my confidence is extremely low. I don't know if I'll ever find anyone like her again.

What makes it worse as well is I've found out my grandad is very ill and it's unlikely that he going to make it through after his fall down the stairs. So much for post holiday blues.

[steviej]

What happened with her and this guy would not have been changed by you getting in contact before you went away. She has decided you are not for her, she doesn't have those feelings for you and it is now time for YOU to let go. It is over, you did all the right things, but this wasn't meant to be.
This will hurt, but you have to move forward now. Delete this girl from your life.

I'm very sorry to hear about your grandad, I was very close to my grandparents and know how you must be feeling about that. This is all a test of character now, you must believe me that you will come out of this a stronger and better person.

[fivefootfour]

Cheers for that. I'm sure very right about just forgetting her and I hope I can. I don't know this lad but I don't think he will ever feel what I felt for her, she meant the world to me. I found some jewellery of hers in my suitcase and was going to mail it to her but as you say I should forget her now.

I don't know if you've had to get over any girl before but wondered if you have any advice about meeting new people. Most of my mates are couples and settling down so going on the pull in bars isn't the best option. I've never been a confident guy and I haven't had any major interaction or tried to find anyone new in the last 5 months. I'm sure speaking to new girls with help me get over her. Do you have any advice on this?

P.S. How's your situation with your girlfriend now?