At an impasse...

[lilxcutie53]

Hi All...

I really need some advice. So my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. September will be 2 years. We had a lot of ups and downs the first year of dating and recently within the last couple of months have gotten better at communicating. Before we would just kinda bottle up our feelings which ended up in a bunch of fights.

The past month or so though has been really rough with us. See we haven't had sex yet and the reason being is because I have been told that most men will end up leaving you if you have sex too soon in the relationship or at the wrong stage of the relationship. Basically what I am getting at is that men will leave if you have sex before they start thinking about a future with you. I could be wrong, but this view has made me not want to have sex with my bf and has made me resent him because we have been dating for 2 years and really havent talked about a future..I understand that were only 23 and I don't want to get married now I just want to be with someone that I know I will want to get married to down the road. Another thing is that I feel like he doesnt always want to make me a priority. Like he'll ask me to hang out around 7 at night when he could of asked me if I wanted to hang out earlier in the day to hang out around 7. Or we'll only see each other one day over the weekend. and we live 5 min away from each other so its very convenient to see each other. I know that we need our space and I do get sick of him sometimes..lol, but I can be next to him and not be doing anything and feel completely satisfied and happy, but I don't think he feels that way with me. Like he gets bored.

The thing with him is that he is now starting to really really resent me because we haven't had sex yet. He says that he feels like we don't have a connection and that by not having sex its preventing our relationship from moving forward. I've explained that I dont want to have sex with someone who doesn't really want to make me a priority, etc but he says that he doesnt have motivation to make me a priority because he is not being sexually fulfilled. Which i feel is true, just like I explained above. Also he said that he has wanted to say that he loves me since last Christmas, but because of his frustration he falls in and out. So were at an impasse. and I have no clue what to do. A lot of my friends have told me that he wouldn't of stayed with me this long with out sex if he didn't care too...

I love him and I feel we can have a very strong connection but it wont be strong until we both get what we need. And the thing is that I know guyswill say anything to get a girl in bed esp a virgin..like me. Who knows if I have sex he will leave. I dont think he will, but I hear all these stories of that happening which makes me loose trust. He told me that all of his friends told him to tell me that he loved me in hopes that would make me want to have sex with him, but he told me that he didn't want to do that to me. So that completely adds another thing to be confused about.

So should I just do it and hope for the best or do you all think he's manipulating me...?

[MaidenMinx]

Here's the million dollar question, do you want to have sex with him? If so, then stop using sex as a bartering card. He has been with you for 2 years without it, guys don't put that kinda time into a conquest. If you have sex and he breaks up with you afterward I'd say it would be because of something completely different.

If you want to give your virginity to the man you are going to spend the rest of your life with, you need to find someone with the same ideals and get married quick smart. That way if he ever divorces you, you can hold it against him that he took your virginity and didn't hang around afterwards.

[lilxcutie53]

I do want to, but then again when my need isn't fulfilled either then it makes me wonder if I should. So at the end of the day neither one of us will be happy until one of us decides to give in..

[MaidenMinx]

I'm assuming he isn't a virgin? And you said he was what, 23? Sweety, he's actually done really quite well to hang around this long without sex. I'm not trying to say that all guys are sleezebags, but he obviously counts you as quite special if he can hold out that long.

Yes, one of you has to bend here, but if either of you 'gives in' you'll end up resenting the other.
If you give in, you'll feel like you've given up a part of yourself that is very important to you. If you guys don't last, you will most likely resent him for the rest of your life for 'using you'.
If he gives in, he'll end up feeling trapped and will be just saying what you want to hear.

Have you ever asked him what he thinks of marriage? To be honest, after 2 years he should at least have some clue one way or the other whether or not he could marry you. If he is completely against the idea of marriage, cut your losses now and save yourself for the man who will want to marry you. If he is open to the idea of marriage maybe that's all you need to hear.

[smackie9]

You fight, have ups and downs since the beginning, no talk of the future, he feels no connection, you cut him off sex.....dear this relationship is a waste. This is not how a relationship is. It cant survive on love alone....you are just beating a dead horse......time to seriously think about moving on and finding something else better. Yes there is better.

[IncognitoSir]

I agree with everyone. For him to stick around 2 years with you "waving" the sex ideas around in his face is pretty ****ed up. YOU know he wants to have sex so why are you playing games? If you want to wait, tell him, break up with him and go find a guy who's willing to prove to you that you're a priority of his. You sound really selfish. You won't break up with him, you won't have sex with him all for your happiness right? What kind of relationship puts all the emphasis on one party. He must be pretty decent, you've been with him for 2 years....yet, not good enough huh?

[HeartIsAching]

Jesus... he's stayed with you for two years without sex, and you're wondering if he loves you?

Holy crap.

Just let the poor bastard go.

[lilxcutie53]

I dont think i'm being selfish at all. There are many other things that I do for him, etc. It might come across as selfish because i'm not giving him that one thing he wants, but its different for a girl. Maybe this is something only a girl really is going to understand. I just don't want to get hurt and I know that I should trust him not hurt me, but you just never know. We put emotion towards sex, it isn't something we always do just because were horney. I mean maybe some girls are like that, but im not. So this in no way is playing games....And we do have a connection, but these 2 important things were both not getting is preventing us from doing so and we both openly admitted this to one another. With marriage is that we haven't realyl had an indepth conversation about it, but hes told me that he hasn't ruled it out and one time we were at a party and obviously had been drinking and we were talking about our friends wedding thats coming up in a few weeks and he asked if we ever supposdly got married who I would have in my wedding party. So i know he is thinking about it we just haven't had talk about our future. I came here, because I wanted to know what people thought about him waiting around and if he is being genuine. Maybe I just should and just see what happens...I mean I don't know..its very confusing..

[devonbrown]

I came here, because I wanted to know what people thought about him waiting around and if he is being genuine.

Pretty much everyone has said that he is being genuine since you have held sex from him for 2 years.

You said that women put emotion towards sex. Everyone does to some degree. But I think you are saying that you put lots of emotion towards sex. And that is fine. So ask yourself this, do you have enough positive emotion towards him to have sex with him?
This is a different thing than saying you want to wait until he is talking about a future with you. Him not talking about a future with you doesn't equal you not loving him enough to have sex with him.

Think about what your reasons really are for YOU not having sex with him. Then deal with that. It is more about you than how he is.

[lilxcutie53]

It jsut hard to answer those questions. For the most part he does make me a priority, but there are sometimes he seems that he doesn't know what he wants and pulls away. Nothing really ever is consistant unless thats just how relationships are. I've only really been in 1 other relationship, but that was in HS and lasted 3 months so I don't really have anything to compare our relationship too. Lets put it this way..I don't always feel he cares about me. 95% of the time I do, but shouldn't be 100%? Like he always tries to get me to come his house instead of coming to mine, he hasn't said that he loves me yet, but thats because he feels frustration towards us not having sex and ultimately means he falls in and out. Whenever we talk about hanging out or I ask if he wants to hang out he kinda drags it out until he wants to hang out. Like he doesn't give me the 'okay, were hanging out" until right before hand...that part is really hard to explain so I probably didn't even explain it well. Like he always wants to do whats fun for him and not because he wants to do it for me. He doesn't like coming over for dinner (i still live with my parents)because thats boring to him. Things that I find fun that are family oriented he doesnt want to come to. Like my friends and I and my friends mom all went to Kings Dominion (amuesment park) the other weekend, but he didn't want to come...and some other things. Its just I do a lot for him..I go places with him that I necessarly don't like because I enjoy my time with him. For an example-if he invited me out with his friends to a bar I find boring, I'd go anyways and have a good time, because im with him. Do I really want to go that bar I find boring and not fun?..no i dont, but I do because I'm with him..And I'm not saying that he doesnt' do things with me ALL the time, its just when he doesnt..it kinda hurts.

Also, I've explained all of this with him and he says "well..I loose motivation to come over to your house or do thigns with you because you don't try to impress me" I guess he doesn't like that I come over to his house wearing workout shorts and a T-shirt and don't dress cute at 9pm..He told me that he would have more motivation to do things with me if I fulfilled him sexually. I just don't know if thats manipulation..? And I explained that if meets my needs then I would meet that need. I meet a lot of his other needs...

I also explained that we shouldn't be doing this to eachother..like why do we need to put pressure on one another like this..? Were kinda at a stand-point I feel like..

[HeartIsAching]

Just let the poor bastard go. You're going to lose him sooner or later anyhow. God knows most men'd be long gone by now.

[smackie9]

You are just not seeing it. It's not manuipulation, it's the fact that you are not fulfilling his relationship expectations. You are inexperienced, and can't see that you both have different ideas how things should be and not willing to compermise, which means you are not compatable and when you are not compatable you will always have issues. These issues will not go away, and down the road you guys will end up splitting up anyways, like HeartIsAching has mentioned.

You have been waiting for clearity for 2 years now...waiting around will not give you any answers.

[Boisdevie]

The guy has the patience of a saint. Over two years? At his age? With no sex? I would have left about 25 months ago.

[lilxcutie53]

You are just not seeing it. It's not manuipulation, it's the fact that you are not fulfilling his relationship expectations. You are inexperienced, and can't see that you both have different ideas how things should be and not willing to compermise, which means you are not compatable and when you are not compatable you will always have issues. These issues will not go away, and down the road you guys will end up splitting up anyways, like HeartIsAching has mentioned.

You have been waiting for clearity for 2 years now...waiting around will not give you any answers.

I don't think being inexperienced means that were not compatable...it just means we both don't know what were doing...lol
were both in the right here..were both not having our expectations met which leads to us both being frusturated. The reason I think its manipulation is because he won't just let me do it when I am ready. He keeps asking for it and by doing so its making it worse and it makes me think that he's only in it for that. Thats the key..he keeps asking for it and it won't just let go of the fact that he just needs to let me do it when I am ready...and if he doesn't want to wait..then he should just leave and then I will know that I was right and thats all that he cared about.

There are plenty of people that I know who once had sex with their bf and then took it back because they thought it wasn't morally right to do before marriage-this person si really religious. So they stopped haveing sex until they got married. Now, I'm sure that was very hard for the guy, but he respected her because he loved her.

[smackie9]

You are inexperienced in seeing that you are not compatable, and things are not working out for that reason. You are at a crossroads. You make him wait any longer, you are going to lose him, so some of us are saying just let him go to be fair about it.