Am I sabotaging my relationship?

[chocomo]

Hi everyone. My boyfriend and I have been going out for a couple of months now, and the past few weeks have been really hard with lots of emotional stuff and conflict. Basically, I had a massive falling out with my close friends and they have kicked me out of my friendship group. Therefore, I was left with no friends and feeling very vulnerable and upset. My boyfriend, having the kind heart that he does, was very much there for me and tried his best to help me by providing with me solutions (he suggested getting closer to these other girls I know). He really wanted to be there for me so he made sure he was around a lot more and listened to me when I was upset/crying. For some reason, the feeling of being isolated from my old friends brought up a bunch of issues and insecurities from the past (childhood isolation/abuse/etc) and just made everything a whole lot worse. Again, my boyfriend remained very calm about everything and suggested I go see a counsellor to resolve these nagging issues once and for all.

I started seeing a counsellor and that has helped a bit but the counsellor warned me that talking through some of these issues can trigger emotional responses to small things. And it has been happening a lot. I keep on getting upset over really small things that he does (being paranoid that he doesn't want to spend time with me is a big one) and we end up having fights that go on for hours and hours. It got to the point where this was happening almost everyday. We're both also really stressed with work and other commitments so it's just putting such a strain on our relationship. He feels like he cannot make me happy and that really upsets him. I try to explain that all these issues are stuff to do with my past and have nothing to do with him, but I think he feels helpless. He says seeing me upset makes him upset and he feels down in our relationship now. He ended up having a very serious chat with me a couple days ago, saying that if things don't change in a month that he's gonna walk away because he needs to start thinking about his own happiness and wellbeing. Since that talk, things have started improving a lot. The fighting has stopped and we're both much happier in the relationship. I think I got a bit too needy in the relationship and relied on him too much for support with this stuff. It's stupid now when I look back at it but I basically expected him to spend all his time with me. He can't help me get through this stuff because I have to make myself happy first and work through my past issues myself. I totally understand that and think he made some valid points, because while he can support me and be there for me, he can't possible solve my problems for me. I am the one who has to take affirmative action and do stuff to make myself happier, not him. I can't expect him to be there fore me 24/7.

Things were going really well until this morning when I brought up the fact that we haven't been spending much quality time together this past week (what I meant to say was that I hope our relationship will get back to the way it used to be - we used to lie in bed and watch funny youtube videos together and cuddle for hours and have movie nights but they haven't happened this since all this stuff started going on). For some reason it all just came out wrong and he thought I was attacking him and saying he wasn't giving this relationship 100% and he got really really upset and started saying that the reason we haven't been doing this stuff is because half the time he's trying to talk to me about my problems and then we end up fighting for ages. He said that if he hadn't given me the month he would have broken up with me then and there. He says he can't take it anymore and he's not happy and there's not enough good stuff in the relationship. I got really really upset because I know there's heaps of good stuff because when things are good, we have the best time together and we get along so well. We both have very similar ambitions and dreams for the future as well. Anyways, after a while he calmed down and said this was gonna work and he started feeling really optimistic again. He said if I needed more than a month to work my stuff out he would give me more time, even if it means we need to go on a break for a while and then revisit the relationship when I'm feeling better. He said I make him very happy and he doesn't want this to end.

He has now left for a 3-day trek with some friends and he'll only be back on Monday. I think it's good that we won't see each other this weekend because it will give us both time to calm down and bring some perspective on our relationship. I personally think I became too needy and reliant on him, but that has stopped and I've started hanging out with friends more, and this has made both of us happy. However, I am worried that if we have another fight it will mean the end of our relationship. I would like some perspective on this, but I think one of the main reasons our relationship has gotten to this point is because of the way we handle conflict. We're both very strong-minded and stubborn, so when we argue or if one of us brings up issues, the other automatically feels attacked and goes on the defensive. Like this morning, when I brought up the stuff about us not hanging out enough over the week, he immediately said "you're wrong". When that happens, I get upset and (because I suffer from anxiety attacks) I freeze up and can't bring myself to speak because I get scared. Then he gets frustrated because I won't speak and starts saying all this stuff he then later says he didn't mean. Then eventually when I feel like I can talk, we talk through it but we both feel so emotionally drained. I think we both get way too emotional in conflicts and if we tried to be more rational and not take it personally, it would help our relationship a lot. I think maybe if one of us felt like we were going to get upset, we could leave and let ourselves calm down first before going back and talking it through so we save on all the emotional bull****. I don't know. I feel like there is so much good stuff in the relationship but the constant conflict and the way we deal with conflict has definitely put a strain on it. I do feel, however, that he needs to realise that he can't help me with this stuff. It's an ego thing for him but he wants to make me happy. He doesn't realise that there is only so much he can do but the rest has to come from me. And I have been making an effort - with making new friends and seeing a counsellor. I am worried, however, that I am somehow sabotaging my own relationship by getting upset over small things. I feel like if we learnt to deal with conflict better, if I continued seeing the counsellor and working through my issues (which has been helping - I am feeling a lot happier personally), and I stopped relying on him too much for companionship (which is happening as well - I have been making new friends) we will get through this tough period. Do you think my relationship can be saved?

[Boisdevie]

Do you think my relationship can be saved?

Hard to say as I didn't have enough energy to read through ALL of that. Can you just get to the point?

[VincenzoG91]

chocomo, you and your boyfriend should still be in the honeymoon phase of the relationship, but there is so much conflict that it doesn't sound like you two are making each other happy. Maybe you're trying too hard to make a relationship work when there isn't enough compatibility. But maybe you're right, there is enough good stuff to make it worth the effort. Your anxieties and your obsession with petty details makes you seem like a high-maintenance person to deal with, and it's entirely possible that your boyfriend is stifling himself in effort to avoid even more conflict. See if you can stop judging him and the relationship for a while. Just relax and trust him and see how that feels, instead of searching for problems and then blowing them up into a big fight.

Continuing to see a counselor is a good idea, and you're right that your boyfriend isn't qualified to help you overcome your anxiety attacks or your difficult past. It's too bad that your close friends turned against you, but maybe you can learn something about yourself from that experience. Did your friends get tired of your drama? Was it just a misunderstanding? Were they really good friends, or just people that were part of your life for a while? By that last part, I mean that good friends are people that are really there to help you when times are tough, but some people might be fun to hang around with when times are good but then they run away when there is trouble.

[Wakeup]

You won't do this but if you did, it would be the best thing you could do for yourself, that being to break up with one another while you concentrate on your therapy and getting past the emotional/psychological baggage you carry from you're childhood. Once you have become the best you that you can be and you've re-gained your self-esteem, and emotional strength you'll not need your boyfriend to keep you happy because you'll have learned the tools you need to have to be able to be happy on your own. Then, a boyfriend will just be a welcomed addition and not the ends to a means.

If you don't love yourself then it will be hard for anyone who is worth having to love you as well.