Sexless for weeks.

[GRM]

I suppose starting at the beginning is as good of a place as any for this. My husband and I have been together for almost 12 years and in that entire time I have never been able to initiate sex with him. This never was a problem as he had no problem initiating it. He has stated before that it bothers him that I can't, but for whatever reason, I just can't bring myself to do it. Even with other guys, I couldn't do it. That being said, I almost never refused him sex either and for the most part our sex life was decent

Over the past few years our frequency of sex has decreased dramatically, and I figure it's due to me being depressed and him gaining a lot of weight as the timeline for it all fits. Still, we would be intimate and we would be close outside of the bedroom as well. This past summer I was diagnosed with sciatica and about a month later we found out that we were expecting. Sex became incredibly painful on the bad days, some so bad hubby had to carry me around the house, and moderately painful on the good days. For the first trimester things were okay my back would ache but not be horribly sore and we would still have sex maybe once a week. Once the second trimester hit things got worse, turns out I also have the issue where pregnant women's cartilage in the center of the pelvis spreads too far apart and creates intense pain. So I'm back to, even on the good days, hardly being able to walk around. He's decent about this, he'll help me around the house or when we're outside walking around, but we haven't had sex in weeks, and even the last time seemed like it was just a substitute for his hand kind of thing, it was a couple weeks in between that and the last time we had sex as well. The super drop in sex happened a few months ago, and I spoke with him about it then. It ended up with both of us upset but nothing resolved.

This is also our fourth child, and our sex life wasn't effected before by pregnancy. I know that he still has some sort of sex drive because he still looks at porn. He also works a 4am to 8 am shift so he's shifted his sleep cycle to sleep through the day and be up at night. Never does he ask me to lay with him, and he doesn't want to lay with me, I've even asked him to and he said he didn't want to lay down.

The other day he came over and played with my boobs and I thought that was the turn around point... But it wasn't. Despite me being playful about it, he was done with them after a few minutes. That's the confusing part about him, there will be times, few and very far between, where he'll grab/pinch/slap my butt but it ends there.

I've taken psychology, and counseling, so I'm partially pissed that I can't resolve this myself, but at the same time, everything seems to be pointing to him being done with the relationship. I know I should talk to him but I'm afraid of being right and this being the end of our relationship. He still talks about buying a house, getting better jobs in the future and what not, but those don't necessarily mean he's serious about it. At the same time I don't want to talk to him about it, see our sex life increase for a few weeks only to die again. I hate the whole false hope shit. Then there's the whole "You shouldn't be stuck in a relationship you're unhappy with" part as well.

I really don't know what to do or how to handle this situation, hence me posting here and looking for help.

[Can_I_be_wiser?]

Not sure, but perhaps you could try being loving and sensual with him at the same time, for short periods of time, and then walk away. I imagine he'll appreciate this more casual way of connecting body to body. Don't ask him, just make him want to get it on.

For example, when he's sitting down in a comfy chair in the living room watching TV or reading, walk up to him ... not too quickly ... from the side (not from behind which could startle him) where you have access to wrap your arms around his shoulders, if you can give him a 2-3 second loving kiss on his forehead, while making sure your breasts moosh up against his face if possible, or nearby ... on his neck and shoulders. I can imagine he'd like that. It's the "I love you" gesture, mixed with the sensual touch of your body.

Maybe you can think of other similar ways you can mix the two types of contact, so that you subtly stir his desire.

That's certainly one way you can 'initiate' ... seducing him ... getting his imagination going.

Does that make sense?

If you care to run some ideas by me, I'll give you some feedback.

[basilandthyme]

Are you still in pain when you have sex? This could easily account for him not wanting sex with you. Also, you not initiating could be exacerbating the problem. Between the pain you're experiencing when you do have sex and your lack of initiation, he could be feeling very unwanted.

What do you fear would happen if you did initiate sex? And knowing that it's a problem for him, why haven't worked harder at getting over your issues?

Also, what are you doing for the sciatica? A good remedial masseuse or even osteopath can work wonders.

[michelle23]

Every relationship goes through rough patches-that is all this needs to be-not the end. Ask him to go for couples counselling with you. This may help you both to remember why you love each other and to stay strong for each other throughout the pregnancy and the birth.

You do need to start initiating sex when you are feeling better. Its important that you show desire for him and make him feel sexy.

[Can_I_be_wiser?]

Couple's counseling? Not sure that's a good idea, since there are many factors that can cause more trouble ... the most obvious being the counselor you happen to choose ... who might be a good. If you want to pursue that lengthy and expensive route, be sure you find one that someone you trust raves about them. Otherwise, you'll run into complications.

Plus, by nature, guys don't like to do the 'couples' counseling thing. Instead, if you can afford the time and money, you could start going on your own and see if he wants to join you later.

Your pain and pregnancy aside, I'd say you should read up ... watch good videos ... get some good reference learning sources ... to give you some ideas on the "initiate' sex thing. It's too easy to say you should 'initiate' sex, it's more helpful to have concrete examples of how to do that and then choose the ones you feel comfortable doing.

[smackie9]

Communication??

[michelle23]

Couple's counseling? Not sure that's a good idea, since there are many factors that can cause more trouble ... the most obvious being the counselor you happen to choose ... who might be a good. If you want to pursue that lengthy and expensive route, be sure you find one that someone you trust raves about them. Otherwise, you'll run into complications.

Plus, by nature, guys don't like to do the 'couples' counseling thing. Instead, if you can afford the time and money, you could start going on your own and see if he wants to join you later.

Your pain and pregnancy aside, I'd say you should read up ... watch good videos ... get some good reference learning sources ... to give you some ideas on the "initiate' sex thing. It's too easy to say you should 'initiate' sex, it's more helpful to have concrete examples of how to do that and then choose the ones you feel comfortable doing.

How can you speak for most guys? Just because your against it-doesn't mean all men are.. communication is the reason why most ltr end-so getting help is a good idea after 12 years together and a new baby on the way. If they cannot fix this on their own-then they need help before the baby comes along and makes everything even more difficult

They are stuck in a rut and counselling could really help get them through this difficult time instead of them growing further apart and ending up divorced

[GRM]

I think I could do the small touching here and there, I'm good with that I'll just make it more frequent. My issues with initiating are a deep seeded fear from when I was younger. He knows, we've talked about it before and he fully understands and is supportive about it, I know it gets frustrating for him though even if he doesn't voice it. I know he wouldn't refuse sex because it does take a lot of working up for me to even hint at wanting sex and he knows it, so he would want to reinforce my attempts. It's more of a me trying to overcome it and he does help when he can. We have done counseling before and it didn't really help and he's not overly fond of counselors/shrinks, he's had bad experiences with them.

As for my sciatica, all I can do is take pain killers because I also have SPD so I can't do anything strenuous either, actually doc ordered me to rest more.. I spend most of my day sitting as it is now. I could understand the not wanting to hurt me any more part. We did recently have sex, more of a release for him kind of sex and it wasn't painful so maybe that will help.

I am hearing that I need to talk to him though. I'll try and figure out a nice way of starting the conversation and keep it less about the relationship but more about how we can improve our sexlife.

Thank you everyone, I'll post an update after the convo.

[smackie9]

There are other ways to enjoy sex without penis in vagina......

[basilandthyme]

OK, we've quite reasonably established that he's probably not wanting sex because it will hurt you. And also there's the issue of him feeling unwanted because you never initiate. While these certainly are obstacles to overcome, they are both fixable.

So, why do you think this may be the end of the marriage? Are there other things you're not telling us?

[Mattiemae]

Well the thing is you've been through alot there with being pregnant and all from what you're stating above. It seems that you have to understand that he may have fears because of medical issues. What you're stating up there isn't really that he's not interested in you. You have to understand relationships will have dry times and very exciting times. Really you do have to get past your fears and be creative and not always leave it on him. Get out of your comfort zone.

You should really have a conversation with your doctor whether it is safe and what's not, and than have a conversation with him so he knows it's all right to move in that direction. Really you have to be open to experiementation and exploration. It can only get dull and boring if you make it that way. You both are in control over it, and he doesn't appear to be without sexual drive by your description.

It sounds more like you are not open to his ideas on one sense, or maybe fearful of things. On the other hand also medical issues.

[Can_I_be_wiser?]

You're right ... not all guys, but at least it sounds like I was right about their experience.

[GRM]

So, I've been trying to drop hints here and there but they don't seem to be working. Hell last night I told him that the best time to get some boob time, because damn are they sore now, was when I take off my bra. He asked if we could have sex after and I said of course, then he said that he was feeling too sick for sex, which he is going through a nasty cold right now. I have been more hands on with him, I'll give him an ass tap here and there, I try and rub his back in the morning which he loves, and I even try to be more affectionate when he's on the computer, although that seems to aggravate him. I haven't actually been able to talk to him about my concerns yet because he always seems to be in a bad mood. He recently lost his job and life has become stressful with little income, but it seems like anything can set him off these days.

I have talked to doc and he said that as long as it's not really painful I should be okay. If I feel like it's time to stop then it's probably time to stop.

I've also become suspicious of what he does before he goes to bed. The one morning I found our front door unlocked, his shoes had been moved and his coat was sprawled out as if he had worn it. This would all be natural except the kids and I had come home and put our stuff on his coat and I always make sure I lock the door. I asked him where he went and he got instantly angry and insisted that he didn't go anywhere. Hell a trip to the variety store would have sufficed. The instant defense/anger aside I've been trying to convince myself that maybe he got something out of the vehicle which would explain the coat, shoes and door.

I really want to find a time to talk to him, but at the same time if he's stressing far more about everything than I am, I don't want to put more shit on his plate. For all I know he could be working his hardest right now to keep it all together. I'm thinking that maybe the fact that he asked for sex is a step in the right direction, but he shouldn't HAVE to ask for it, I don't know what I've done that he feels he needs to ask and should we get a chance to talk I'll definitely be asking what I did!

[smackie9]

Wake him up with you giving him head. That should do the trick.