When a man asks "what's wrong?"

[Pikabu]

Do they really want an answer? (I realize I'm speaking in generalizations, so...in general).

My husband and I have this ridiculous pattern that I am so beyond tired of.

I get upset about something. I don't bother to tell him what it is anymore, because in the past when I tried he just went into defense mode, which then makes me more upset and never lead to resolution...just more conflict.

So... here I am, upset again, and he asked 2 nights ago, "what's wrong"? I say, "nothing", (for above reasons), which fully satisfies him. He goes about the next 2 days as if nothing is wrong, never asks again, all the while I'm seething over the original thing that pissed me off, and now about the fact that I'm pretty sure he'd be able to go the rest of his life never again asking what's bothering me, or caring that anything is. He ignores me completely, except at the end of the night when I get into bed I get this totally annoying peck on the cheek with a cheerful "goodnight sweetheart". ugh.

I guess I just don't undertstand why someone that professes to love me so much could not care less that I'm obviously upset about something, and has no desire to find out why.

When he asks, "what's wrong" is it just me, or does it sound to other men here like he's very grateful when I answer, "nothing" so he can ignore me and not have to listen to me?

[vashti]

I'm not sure why you are surprised that when you say nothing is wrong, he wants to believe you. Of course he wants to avoid conflict - doesn't everyone? Besides, men have been conditioned to believe women are generally crazy, and it is best to not push us when we aren't ready to talk. I think you would find it equally annoying if he were to continue pushing when you basically told him to back off.

For the record, I wish to point out that I am deliberately posting in your "ask a male" thread to piss off denfor25.

[Aeradalia]

If something is bothering you... then you need to tell him. If he becomes defensive about it.. then one of two things is happening --- either your method of delivery of the news is a little harsh... or... he is misunderstanding/misreading your answer (it's not necessarily what you say, but can sometimes be how you say it). Even bad news can be given in such a way to where the recipient is not overly agitated by it.

However, you are beginning a road to possible destruction by not telling him what is bothering you... this in turn festers and becomes something much worse later on.

Men have a natural tendency to want to solve problems --- so they can return back to a 'peaceful' situation as quickly as possible. If they are missing necessary information --- like what's really bothering you, then they can't solve the problem very well. If you lie to them and say 'nothing is wrong' then they will take your word for it --- why? because it's the quickest route to the 'peace' they want.

Men don't like to look for 'hints'... because if they misread this information then they aren't doing the least bit of good solving the problem. So most will just wait around for you to finally come right out and say what's wrong... rather than try to decipher the 'code of hints' you are putting out.


Work with him... so he can in turn, help you in the long run. Try to be less judgmental with your responses to him when he asks "what's wrong..." Even if you are 100% adamant that is he wrong... try to approach him with the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure if a guy feels that he won't be crucified.. he'll be more inclined to help you out. True you may feel you shouldn't have to that... but you're wanting a relationship to work... not prove who's right or wrong... correct?

Posting in an "ask a male thread" just because... not for denfer25's benefit.. or lack there of..

[Lite]

So, basically you're an idiot for 1) Lying about whether or not something is wrong, and 2) being upset that he's not pressing you further.

Either you communicate when you need to, or you really shouldn't expect him to read your mind. He's NOT a woman.

[Lite]

I'm not sure why you are surprised that when you say nothing is wrong, he wants to believe you. Of course he wants to avoid conflict - doesn't everyone? Besides, men have been conditioned to believe women are generally crazy, and it is best to not push us when we aren't ready to talk. I think you would find it equally annoying if he were to continue pushing when you basically told him to back off.

For the record, I wish to point out that I am deliberately posting in your "ask a male" thread to piss off denfor25.

That's because you (Women) ARE generally crazy to us. You communicate on far more subtle levels than us men do, and you know what we want shit told to use directly in a straight forward manner. We actually hate games, and trying to guess what's wrong, and especially the most bullshit answer of all... "What's wrong hon?" "If you don't know, then I'm not going to tell you!" WTF kind of answer is that shit? LOL



Batshit crazy women, can't live with them. Can't be not gay/celibate without them.

[Cbrider]

These are the kind of games that start to undermine relationships and marriage. If a girl tells me nothing is wrong out of spite, then in my world nothing is wrong, I'm not falling into that trap. If you can't solve simple dilemmas, and instead choose to just pretend nothing is wrong, then you have earned the frustration. If you can't communicate, then why are you married?

[Gigabitch]

Batshit crazy women, can't live with them. Can't be not gay/celibate without them.

Heh heh. My ex used to say, "Women. Can't live with 'em- they keep throwing me out."

Anyway, picabu, why don't you try writing him an email so you don't have to deal with defense mode face-to-face. It's worked wonders for me and my husband.

[Pikabu]

Wow, I'm amazed anyone responded, thanks for that, and I think you all made valid and sensible points.

I guess I should've been more clear, but in the interest of avoiding a long and boring post I left out much.

I should've been more clear in the fact that I'm not mad at him, that he hasn't really done anything wrong, just that things happen that hurt my feelings, and it further hurts my feelings that he's seemingly happy to ignore that. Yes, he did ask once, "What's wrong?", but the tone in which it was asked, and the delay in doing so, pretty much felt like he simultaneously held a sign that read "pleeeease don't really tell me". I dunno...you all weren't there, so I shouldn't expect you to understand my rambling.

I won't bore you all with specifics, because it doesn't really matter what it is this time that was hurtful to me, the point of my question is, Do men really want to know what's wrong when they ask? I've pretty much had that answered for me over the past few days by my husband, as in, "no..not really". I realize his behavior doesn't speak for all men, but since I don't live with all men it's the only behavior that matters to me. I was just curious if this is something others have experience with, and how to deal.

Aeradalia... you're so right. I have a history of not wanting to be an emotional burden, and so I hold it all inside rather than sounding like a whiner, and yes...that only results in years of resentment. You're also dead right that men, at least the ones I've known, want to "fix" it, rather than just hear it and offer some compassion, even if they can't understand why I'm upset.

Gigabitch... I've done the email thing many times in the past..not recently. Typically results in him writing back what amounts to telling me, not unlike "Lite"s response, that I'm an idiot for feeling as I do. Though he does it in a much less brutal manner, that's still the jist of it.

So...I feel I've been trained to keep it inside. I don't know if he intentionally responded badly the first 20 or so times I did spill what was bothering me in order to prevent me from ever doing it again, but regardless that's been the result.

I do not expect him to read my mind, nor am I holding it in to punish him, but hold it in I do. He knows I'm pretty miserable right now, but mostly because I see he doesn't care, rather than for the original reason.

Last night, after ignoring me all night again, just on his way upstairs to go to bed, I get the "why are you mad at me?" to which I respond truthfully, "I'm not mad at you". The the "Well then why are you so upset?", to which I respond, "It doesn't matter", (because it really doesn't seem to...to him), to which he replies, "goodnight" and walks upstairs. Bless his heart. It's like he wants to care, feels he should, but just doesn't.

Oh well...such is married life, for me...hopefully it's better for all of you, and again..thanks for having taken the time to respond.

[IndiReloaded]

Last night, after ignoring me all night again, just on his way upstairs to go to bed, I get the "why are you mad at me?" to which I respond truthfully, "I'm not mad at you". The the "Well then why are you so upset?", to which I respond, "It doesn't matter", (because it really doesn't seem to...to him), to which he replies, "goodnight" and walks upstairs. Bless his heart. It's like he wants to care, feels he should, but just doesn't.

What did you want, him to chase you down for the next 30 minutes with "what's wrong sweetie...really?". Bet he was tired & had to get up for work the next day.

If you said "it doesn't matter" when it did, then the communication stopped with you. Sorry, brut truth here. He gave you two chances and you blew it, Foo-Foo.

Mbe you should vent to your girlfriends more, might help?

[Aeradalia]

Last night, after ignoring me all night again, just on his way upstairs to go to bed, I get the "why are you mad at me?" to which I respond truthfully, "I'm not mad at you". The the "Well then why are you so upset?", to which I respond, "It doesn't matter", (because it really doesn't seem to...to him), to which he replies, "goodnight" and walks upstairs. Bless his heart. It's like he wants to care, feels he should, but just doesn't.

He's another way that conversation could go...

Him: "Why are you mad at me?"

You: "I'm not mad at you" (said in a caring voice... as though trying to make sure he realizes you aren't blaming him)

Him: "Well then, why are you so upset?"

You: "I'm upset because I feel like you don't care about how I feel" (it does matter what you have to say... )

Him: "Why would you think I don't care?" (then he may list off a number of 'good' things he has done for you... might even be a bit defensive about it)



The conversation continues with him describing how he's showing you how he does care about you... and you describing what demonstrates 'caring' in your eyes. Eventually you both learn what he thinks constitutes caring and what you think constitutes caring. Both of you agree that he needs to do a little more of what you want (but not all)... if you'll accept some of his ways of showing that he cares... and voila!... a compromise is made.

And thus is married life...

[Junket]

Do yourself a favor.

Pick up the book "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus".

I'm not kidding.

It has several chapters that breakdown the cycle you're going through.

[nomas]

Generally speaking: Men and women ARE wired differently.

We men DO care, but eventually we get worn out when the cost-benefit becomes less and less attractive. Initially men WILL insist upon you telling us what the matter is for minutes or hours until we know what the matter is and then begin arguing each others point until a comprimise is reached.

Later we begin to tire of how much time we invest upon solving what are mostly trivial misunderstandings or differences of opinion or miscommunications and I guess we teach you a lesson on efficiency: "We ask what's wrong and you tell us, we discuss", otherwise we'll take your word for it because we've got the facts to back us up that you said nothing was wrong. If something was wrong, WE would tell you; so should you.

Why not embrace communication? It's simply better.

[Sixpacj]

"Last night, after ignoring me all night again, just on his way upstairs to go to bed, I get the "why are you mad at me?" to which I respond truthfully, "I'm not mad at you". The the "Well then why are you so upset?", to which I respond, "It doesn't matter", (because it really doesn't seem to...to him), to which he replies, "goodnight" and walks upstairs. Bless his heart. It's like he wants to care, feels he should, but just doesn't."

OMG... where to start... Sorry, but you have no clue about men whatsoever at all... Be grateful he is still with you, it show a number of good things about him, including that he cares... But do some learning realy quick before it's too late.

He obviously cares cause he asked you but he WILL NOT (never ever) play into you little emotional manipulative ploy of FORCING him to show affection.

Your mistake is you didn't calmy reply after the question.

When you answer "it doesn't matter" he believes you. To do otherwise would be, in the world of men, disrespect and crossing personal boundaries.

You will do well to etch the following on your brain:

1. When communicating with a man, be as straightforward and calm as possible.

2. No man ever will ask himself "OMG, what does this MEAN?" NEVER, EVER..

Your poblem (IMHO) is you are waiting for his "permission" to talk, i.e. he has to willingly submit to emotional manipulation to prove to you that he "cares" before you can muster up enuff courage to tell what's on your mind. Sorry, but to most men this is outright disgusting. (I broke up with my ex for that, she could never say staight what was on her mind..)

Take responsibility and just speak your mind, he will finally be relieved you've stopped acting strange... Believe me ;-)

And good luck

[lesa]

This is a problem of communicating. If he asks what is wrong, tell him what is wrong with YOU---not what is wrong with HIM. Does that make sense? He won't be so defensive then. Right now, he probably thinks it's him and don't want to deal with that. I know I wouldn't.

[lesa]

I should've been more clear in the fact that I'm not mad at him, that he hasn't really done anything wrong, just that things happen that hurt my feelings, and it further hurts my feelings that he's seemingly happy to ignore that.

A loving man will never ignore his woman's feelings if she communicates about HER feelings without ever accusing him of anything. Try communicating like that from now on and you will be amazingly surprised.