Upcoming marriage proposal but I'm thinking of turning it down

[DazedB90]

Hi, I was wondering if anyone can help me with this situation. Ok so I'm in a nearly 3 year-old relationship and was wondering if there is a way I can decline an upcoming proposal, a way without crushing him. Normally I should be like any women would be, all excited and jumping up and down. I'm not.

I overheard him over the phone a couple days ago and I've been feeling very unease and nervous ever since. I don't know if there is a nice way to say no to him or if I can just accept it and postpone things and then hope in time the feelings of excitement will come eventually. Yet I feel so bad and I'm starting to consider saying yes so as not to hurt him while sorting out my feeling during that timeframe and trying getting use to it.

[Showmesomelove]

Do not marry this man!!!!!!!!
If you feel like this then imagine how you will feel after 10 years of marriage, you have children and then you meet someone you actually fall in love with.

You will be trapped, miserable, guilt ridden, confused, desperate.

Only marry someone you are completely in love with...

From one who knows x

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By the way, I did that thing of hoping the excitement would come....
It doesn't

[DazedB90]

Thing is I do love him and he is a great bf but the idea of being his wife and being married is freaking me out for some reason and it's like either I don't feel ready or must not be feeling the same way he feels.

For sure it's going to probably end up in a break-up afterwards (maybe not but very likely). But ok thanks. Any nice way I can explain it to him and have him trying to understand me, in a way it won't hurt him too much?

[Showmesomelove]

Then tell him you want to carry on as you are and revisit it later.

Don't do it if you are not desperate to. I really believe if it were right you would be desperate to say yes.

It's very very very hard to go back after

[DazedB90]

Ok. You're right, I'm not desperate to say yes nor even have the normal feelings a woman excited about it would. All I know is from the way he sounded so enthusiastic over the phone, it's going to hurt him. Such a hard position I'm into.

[Showmesomelove]

It will hurt him more when you leave him and take the kids and half the house

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Have to be strong and bite the bullet xxxxxx

[DazedB90]

Ok, I'm looking forward for any time next week.

[Showmesomelove]

I thought about this today...
It may be best to talk to him before he does the whole proposal thing...

It might be more embarrassing being turned down than having you approach him before and just telling him you overheard and that these are your feelings about it. Save him getting down on one knee and feeling stupid afterwards x

Just a thought

[nootkan]

Be open and honest about your feelings toward him and explain that you do want to marry him (providing that is true) someday just not today because you are not ready. Try to have this conversation with him before he asks you to marry him so it lessens the impact and doesn't embarrass or hurt him after he builds up the strength to propose.

If your relationship is indeed built on love, then both of you should be able to work through this together. Also you will need to figure out what it is that is causing your decision not to marry him. Is it marriage in general or marriage to him? If it is you and not him, then by letting him know your feelings up front and honestly before he asks should alleviate the hurt he would have felt after taking the plunge.

Remember that communication is the key ingredient in every successful relationship and as I stated if the love is genuinely present among you both, you should have no problem talking this through and possibly learning more about each other in the process. Good Luck.

[TheEvilJester]

You could possibly be making the biggest mistake of your life if you were to say yes if you are not ready. I know in the heat of the moment, it may seem like the right thing to do because you don't want to hurt his feelings. The thing is, he deserves to be with somebody who would be so excited at the idea of marrying him, and would be giddy and exploding with excitement as you said.....

And don't get me wrong, in time that gal very well could still be you. You said you love him, and don't necessarily want to end things.... you're just not ready to marry him right now. There is nothing wrong with that. If you're not ready, you're not ready. Don't force yourself.

It is important, though, to examine why you are not ready. Are you not ready for reason based on you? Are you not ready because you think he is not the right one for you? Are you not ready because he MAY BE the right one for you, but you are not yet sure?

There could be a million different reasons why you are not ready yet, but only you will know which is yours. The thing is, the specific reasons sort of change the end result, so only you can really know what is best for you here.

It is most likely going to hurt him either way, but it would hurt him a lot more if you lie and go along with things only to have it blow up later.

As is almost always the case in life, your best bet is just to be honest with him. For example, if you love him and DO NOT want your relationship to end.... if you think you may want to marry him some day, but just are not ready yet.... Tell him that. Hearing that would certainly hurt a lot less than a simple no because that tells him that maybe you do want the same things he does.... just not yet.

Please do not feel like you are wrong for not being ready. There can be a million different reasons not to be ready yet, and you are so much better off being honest to yourself and to him. Though, you also do owe it to him and to yourself to make some decisions. For example, if it turns out you feel you are not ready because you feel like he is not your right match and that is unlikely to change, then it would be better to end things before they go further.

Good luck to you. I hope it works out well, and I hope you find what you are looking for in life, whether that winds up being him or not.