I'm feeling so lost still....

[naive_broken]

I been with my ex for 8 years. now, we have broken up about 4 months already. He broke up with me because he said that he doesn't love me anymore and can't imagine marrying me anymore when he used to. I want to try to make things work as we have always had fights, we break up and get back together. But this time, it really feels like there is no more hope and he doesn't wanna try anymore. I love him more than anything, things have change in the past 2 years, we're both working, most of the time at odd hours where we don't get to see each other often, and most of the time on weekend, he works on his side project that we barely spent time together. We spent time together with our friends. It's never any alone time. Then when we broke up, he doesn't come home early, unless our roomie is back. He disappeared for a whole night recently which he never does since we broke up. I think he's sleeping with someone already cause a few condoms went missing. I just really wanted to make it work. He did cheated on me a long time ago but I took him back and things were going great for a while but I was so insecure that things just went down hill again. I'm so depressed that it is affecting my life so much. 8 years went down the drain. I'm so hurt and miserable. We kept really minimal contact. No calls. No texting. No online interaction either. It feels like he talks to me more when our roomie is asleep. On other occasions, it's just hi and bye. I don't have much friends, and most of them are busy with their own lives. I just wish he would realize things by himself. Ever since we broke up, he hasn't had time to himself. He kept occupying himself with anyone he can. He has never been alone at all. And all he does is vent to anyone. We are complete strangers most of the time now. And I have left him alone. for a good 2 month. I only talk when he initiates it. I miss him so much, it's so hard to deal with this and it's been 4 months already. I haven't cry, all I do is pray to God. I just wish he would realize things.

I have moved out finally but I still have a few items at the place that I need to take back because it is mine. He contacted me recently through IM asking me when I would be picking up my stuff as 'they' had to change the locks because the old locks had problems. It's very obvious it's an excuse. My ex-roomie is someone I don't trust because I know who this person is, a very unhealthy toxic friend. My ex is being fed with all sorts of negativity by this person that I don't think he has a clear mind at all and they are hanging out with each other a lot from what I hear from my friends as my friends would meet up with them and not just my ex. So long as they still hang out together or do whatever it is they do together, I don't think my ex will ever have the time alone to think for himself. It's sad how he has turned out to be. I miss him dearly, but I really miss the old him that I knew. At times I feel like calling him because he was my best friend and we talk to each other about everything but he doesn't exist. He really doesn't exist.

He calls me bad names and the ex-roomie motivates it, he runs the minute he sees me at the same place with my friends, obviously the ex-roomie is also there. It's so sad really. I'm so confused with my emotions that I don't know what to feel anymore other than sad and suddenly getting into a whole rut of depression. I wish he could just take a step back and think of the things we had by himself and stop running to everyone and anyone to fill his void. I know he is sleeping around with someone. I have that gut feeling again, same that I had last time when he cheated on me. I miss him, I need advice, I need to cope with this. Please help me...

[IncognitoSir]

You need to move on! Clearly you need a little push from the sad miserable situation you're hanging on to. This guy, your ex, your old best friend........is long gone. It's time you realize this. This toxic best buddy of his is in his ear further instigating your exs mixed emotions. Sounds like youi guys had a lot of mutual friends. I'd suggest you stay away from your mutual friends and stick with YOUR loyal friends for a while. 8 years is a long time and it will take time to get over him properly but you need to make the best moves for yourself right now. Don't set yourself up for failure. Occupy yourself with other things like: working out, hanging with friends, hobbies, learn a new language, education, video games, going out, etc. This what he's been doing and those are the 1st steps in moving on.

[lahnnabell]

Your main problem is the hold you allowed this man to take on your life. You looked to him to stabilize you and define who you are and that is never a good thing.

Take this time to really dive into figuring yourself out. Look at all the reasons you loved him. Look at all the reasons you guys kept breaking up. You say that you were insecure and depressed. Why? He cheated on you. Why? Was he unhappy? Is he a womanizer? Just because he had the opportunity? Guys who are in love, and happy with themselves and their lives don't cheat. They don't need to. Cheating is a manifestation of a person that is unsatisfied with themselves in some way. They tend to use sex to boost their egos, make themselves feel desirable. It's like a little high they get off of it. It's not your fault. You need to realize this.

People who are not emotionally developed tend to cheat. Instead of talking about problems, or even being able to identify problems in their relationships or themselves, they seek to escape. Cheating gives them that momentary break from reality. They can imagine they're in a world where only they matter. They are selfish people. Don't blame yourself for his terrible behavior.

Now, onto healing. You need to get some friends. You allowed this guy to be too much a part of your life. Your reliance on him is part of what pushed him away. You need to spend this time working, making money, making friends, and really diving into your hobbies. Do the things that make you happy. Don't say "He made me happy." No. You can't rely on someone else to make you happy. That has to come from within. This is a time when you can really find out what you're made of. Or you can drown in your sorrows. It's up to you.

[Teddy057]

I am sorry, this is unfortunately part of life. The people who aren't supposed to ever let you down, usually do. You have your heart broken, and you may even break someone's heart. In your case, I guess it's best that it ends now then in another couple of years, at least you didn't get married. The longer you wait for him to come around, which I don't think he will, the longer you throw your own life away. That's the bottom line, I am sorry. It sounds like you're religious, so, "Let go and let God".

[naive_broken]

A lot is easier said than done. I know I should be focusing on me. I have been doing things for myself, by myself. 8 years was a long time and a lot has evolved from that. Yes I know I allowed him to take on my life. It was a mistake. I made my mistakes in the relationship as well and I learn from it. I was not the greatest girlfriend either because of my insecurity I was constantly terrorizing him when he's out with his friends (which half are my friends), invading his privacy and so on. He never had friends and I made the mistake of bringing him into my circle of friends. 8 years, you would think things are OK so why not right? My loyal friends are his close friends as well and families are also involved. My cousins, my brothers, my godparents are all close to him. This is the impossible feat. Whatever it is, there is no running away, neither one of us. He won't let go of my bunch of friends cause he knows he doesn't exactly have his own really close friends. I pity my friends for having to go through this as well as they would have to choose who to hang out with and who calls first and so on. I don't want to tell my friends not to be friends with him as that would be childish. It's really their choice. Everytime I see my godparents, they would ask me about him and I would just say it's all good holding back the tears. My godfather always told him to take care of me. It breaks my heart everytime I see my godfather.

To some of you, this may not sound so complicated. A lot of people say leave the circle, leave the circle. It's really not that easy to do. My circle has been with me since we were children. We're all childhood friends and we have helped each other through thick and thin for more than 15 years. Plus there are families involved in the circle. I can't just cut ties to my family. Who would I have left then? They were the one who help me move out, let me cry on their shoulders, taken me out for a few nights in town just to clear my mind and make me forget things, listen to everything and anything I have to say, pull me up when I was about to breakdown. Me and my circle, we are each other's everything. I'm lucky to have them or else I would have killed myself already.

I was never a religious person, the good part I see from this breakup, it has made me religious. It has made me closer to God. We human tend to forget God so easily but run to him when we need help. I'm sorry God, I'm one of them. But God has also helped me calm down. Only God can make him realise and think for himself. I have no power in anything but just pray for my own sake. So help me God.

[cmacattack1]

You can pray all you want to, but the fact of the matter is that he doesn't love you anymore (like he said) and doesn't want to try and make things work. He has given up on you He's not the mindless person that can't make a decision for himself, he made a decision to end your relationship and is sticking with it. This is not because of his toxic best friend or any other excuse you want to give him. He was unhappy with you, is more then likely unhappy with himself and didn't want to be with you. This doesn't reflect negatively on you and your self worth, you have good qualities and have certainly tried to make him happy. So you will be able to give the gifts you gave him to somebody else. 8 years may seem like a waste, but I think looking back on everything that has happened you have learned so much about yourself and about relationships, and about what to tolerate and what not to. And it's helped you find something important, religion. It's not the end of the world and everything will be okay.

You have to put yourself first here and think of yourself. Are the situations you put yourself in helping you move forward? Are you allowing him to just come and go in your life as you please? Why do you see him all the time, is it because your roommate is his friend too? Whatever the reasons, your contact with him needs to be completely cut, and I think he should know that it's not okay for him to contact you either. This is the only way you can heal and move forward. I understand that it's very complicated when you guys have many mutual friends and you don't want to put them in the position where they have to choose between the two of you. They don't have to, you should still be able to hang out with them, but they should also know you don't want to hear about him and what he's up to. If they are hanging with him, you will have to find something else to do.

You are more than capable of making new friends that you don't have to share with him. You have to put yourself in the situation to meet new people. Be it a second job, some classes, going to the gym, going to your church anything that keeps you busy and gets you out there. It will help you meet friends or somebody that could be more than friends, and this guy will be old news. It might be a bit premature, this break up is going to sting for a while. But sitting around moping and hoping that he's going to change his mind and come back is not the healthy or right mindset to be in.

[yuyk3]

A lot is easier said than done. I know I should be focusing on me. I have been doing things for myself, by myself. 8 years was a long time and a lot has evolved from that. Yes I know I allowed him to take on my life. It was a mistake. I made my mistakes in the relationship as well and I learn from it. I was not the greatest girlfriend either because of my insecurity I was constantly terrorizing him when he's out with his friends (which half are my friends), invading his privacy and so on. He never had friends and I made the mistake of bringing him into my circle of friends. 8 years, you would think things are OK so why not right? My loyal friends are his close friends as well and families are also involved. My cousins, my brothers, my godparents are all close to him. This is the impossible feat. Whatever it is, there is no running away, neither one of us. He won't let go of my bunch of friends cause he knows he doesn't exactly have his own really close friends. I pity my friends for having to go through this as well as they would have to choose who to hang out with and who calls first and so on. I don't want to tell my friends not to be friends with him as that would be childish. It's really their choice. Everytime I see my godparents, they would ask me about him and I would just say it's all good holding back the tears. My godfather always told him to take care of me. It breaks my heart everytime I see my godfather.

To some of you, this may not sound so complicated. A lot of people say leave the circle, leave the circle. It's really not that easy to do. My circle has been with me since we were children. We're all childhood friends and we have helped each other through thick and thin for more than 15 years. Plus there are families involved in the circle. I can't just cut ties to my family. Who would I have left then? They were the one who help me move out, let me cry on their shoulders, taken me out for a few nights in town just to clear my mind and make me forget things, listen to everything and anything I have to say, pull me up when I was about to breakdown. Me and my circle, we are each other's everything. I'm lucky to have them or else I would have killed myself already.

I was never a religious person, the good part I see from this breakup, it has made me religious. It has made me closer to God. We human tend to forget God so easily but run to him when we need help. I'm sorry God, I'm one of them. But God has also helped me calm down. Only God can make him realise and think for himself. I have no power in anything but just pray for my own sake. So help me God.

Dear naive_broken,

I'm totally understand your emotion, where as i had been with my girlfren for 8years like you and suddenly she said that we are not matching anymore. Now is the 3rd months we are apart (note: she still never confirmed that we totally broke out and this period are like separating period). From my senses i felt that she had love a new guy but till today she never committed. There's no doubts that we always quarrel from small things to nothing bout 1 to 2 years. I swear i had made myself tolerate to her with my best effort but seems we still quarrel.

I think most ppl like me would use sms or email to express my feelings towards her regarding all the arguments we r facing and hopefully we could get over it. Believe it or not, i had send more than 100 sms and bout 20emails within a year but she barely reply. I can said she wld reply 10 sms and 2 by emails.

I still waiting for her.... Sometime i use to hang out socially, which been long time I never did (most of the time I've working, sigh...) and it makes me more relief. My feelings are totally like you... Hope that God will lead my way or her..

I really so hope you guys out there would give me and Naive a gud advice...

DUN WORRY NAIVE!! AT LEAST SOMEONE LIKE ME NEED TO GO THROUGH THESE DIFFICULTIES. GOD BLESS YOU!!!

[naive_broken]

Thanks cmacattack1 for your words. I understand the fact that he doesn't love me and doesn't wanna try anymore. But really it is easier said than done. I never put any blame on anyone, I have my faults and wrongdoings that caused the relationship to go downhill. But there are fact of a matter that his mind is being instigated by a toxic friend. I'm not the only one who sees it but majority of our friends sees it. And we know who that person is. I have taken a lot of things to put my mind off this whole mess. Taking dance class, meeting old friends, meeting new friends, catching up with my family, working on all the pending jobs I have and hopefully soon start up my project that I've been putting on hold for a long time. God has made it easy for me, by getting closer to Him, my heart aches less, mindframe is now better, and I know what I have to do, learn to live and let live. Thank you again for your advice. Thank you to everyone who has replied to this thread, it really does help so much to be able to let it out and not being judged for saying what I want to say. Thank you again everyone.

[naive_broken]

My dear yuyk3, thank you for posting your post. 8 years, it's a long time isn't it? But what can we do but to learn from our mistakes and move on from what we know. I have so much to do and so much to learn still. And I'm taking this chance to do everything that I want and need to live a better life. I had a sudden realisation yesterday when I couldn't sleep after reading my book. I realise how my relationship with him was never private. Our relationship never had privacy because for all the fights we had, he would run to someone and tell them about it to make himself better. I guess that's why I decided to invade his privacy. Somehow there was a nagging feeling in me that he's not being so private like he wanted to. He never respected the privacy of the relationship. Instead of talking things out together, he decides to talk to other people to make himself better then never take any actions to make things right with the 2 of us. I on the other hand, never go around telling anyone the things we fight about and why because it's between me and him, I don't want to burden other people with my problems. But what can I do now, it's over. So it's better to move on. It just pisses me off how it is and too late to realise things. If I said this to him last year, I know he would do something about it. Even after we broke up, he still tried to make things right somehow by wanting to be friends and wanting to do things together (this was the 1st month of the breakup) but now I realise the only reason he would do that is to have me as a back up in case anything happens. No, can't let that happen. God I miss him, or I miss the person I thought I knew....

[yuyk3]

It seems no one give a proper answer for this thread... Hopefully someone would spare some time to clear my mind... Gud day!!