Confused, heartbroken girl

[girldarling]

**Appreciate anyone who would take a time to read this and give some suggestion, or idea.

Hello guys, you can call me Nally. This is my first time ever posting something like this and I really hope you guys out there can read and help me. I really really need it. Before that, I'm just gonna say that my English is not that good, I hope you wont have trouble understand it.

Actually I don't know where and how to start, and I'll just type and let see where it leads. So, let me start, I am single, heart broken ( and I think I am, cause I dunno what my situation now is) and I'm still in love with my ex. And before i go any further, Im just gonna say, Im a girl, and my ex is a girl too. I hope this won't disgust any of you.

We've been together for a year (or almost a year). Since March 2011 till Early 2012. Yes, the break up has been a year. She was one of the most loving, caring person that i ever had and she was really romantic and stuff. I was ****ed up. For example, We always fought for a lil thing, and it was always me who initiated the fight, and she on the other hand was the one who always initiated the talk or conversation after we fight (even though it was my fault). And for some lil things that we fight, I always ask for break up, and I know it was so stupid, but I couldnt help it. I think it gave me the power to think that I had the control of the relationship. I didnt even mean the break up but i was always the one who wanted it. Stupid I know. But she was always the one who would do anything to make it right. But no matter what it was, we fight all the time, all the freaking time. And im not gonna keep quiet bout this part, but we did have a very great sex, that i ever had.

She told me from the very beginning, that she is a loyal person that i can ever find. I dont know if i can trust that, I guess i have some trust issues with people. And before i go any further, Im gonna tell a bit about myself. That throughout the relationship, I was the one who always felt so insecure about myself, probably because Im not attractive and stuff, and I always got jealous, ALL THE TIME. I wasnt happy too about that. And yeah I'm not gonna tell the whole story about her being ****ed up in relationship, Im just gonna proceed where i had enough with everything and decided to break up with her. It was the first time that we actually broke up, (this happened in November 2011, i think) like real break up. It was hard for her. I dumped her one night and go back to her the next day. I know some of you might think im an asshole and stupid too, but I don't know what was going on when I asked for the break up. I told her that I wasnt happy and all and she said okay, if thats what i want, she'll accept it. And Im just gonna skip a part what happened during me trying to get back to her. But all i knew is, she joined a website and found another girl, and she kinda liked her. And I got so jealous and i really was competing with that other girl, and finally i won. and then we got back together. And there are things happened again, long story short, she still cant forget about that girl and this time me again dumped her, cause i couldnt cope with the jealousy and all and finally she came back to me, she wanted me back said she loved me and would do anything to save the relationship. (this one is in December 2011, i think a month from the first time i dumped her, i cant really remember).

So, we both got back together. It didnt really help much though. We still fought a lot, like all the time, all day. My jelaousy never went away. I told her i cant help with my jealousy and all. So yes, I think we had like two or three months left before we broke up for good. So during that two/ three months, we didnt really have great time, her semester started, and barely spent time with me, leaving me all lonely , and i cant lie, i really missed her touch. (Im not saying that I missed only for the sake of sex, I really meant that I really miss her touch, her love and everything). And I was the one who always wanted to text her and call her, but she was so busy, we didnt see eachother almost a month. The last time we met before we broke up didnt go very well. We still fight. And the last time we met, I didnt really get what I needed, you know, love, touch and all.( Im saying this because it really what i felt, its not cause i really needed the sex, no). So i found out she still talked to this girl i mentioned before that she met online. Since she bought a new phone, so she always texted her, (on whatsapp i think) since its free and i didnt have smart phone that time, so she kinda mention it (I had to read between the lines) that texting me gonna cost money, but texting the other girl didnt. I was so sad, depressed, heartbroken. Ive been in quite few relationships and ive never ever feel hearbroken like that. I can feel my heart was really weak and it was so sad.

So to find out that we havent met for a month (even on weekends she couldnt go and see me, even i offered to come to her, which is an hour away, and the gas is quite pricey, but i was willing to). And this one time, i had a long thought I was so scared that i might gonan get hurt in the future so i decided its best to end it. There was this one day, i went to her place, (she didnt know it, it was a surprise). I called her and said i missed her and i really wanted to see her. AND she was like "baby no i got class in half an hour i cant meet you, i need to study and stuff" I told her i can wait and stuff and she was like "no". I was already crying before i hung up. An hour later she said that she wanted to meet me, and i was crying and screaming on the phone how she hurt me and stuff, and told her it was all over. And that day she needed to go for a trip, and i was crying all the way to my house, and i couldnt take it, i called her and said sorry and everything, and told her hw much i missed her and that she hurt me for not wanting to see me, and she promised she'll see me next week. Same thing happened next week, she still didnt want to see me.And this time, like really i had enough with it. I decided to text her and told her i want my stuff (which is a very strong cue that i really wanted to end it). And she was so sad and heartbroken, saying that a phone call that i made on her day during trip giving her hope and all. I told her i couldnt do it anymore and i was very sure that time. So yeah, as promised, the next week we broke up, like official and final break up. Went to her place, and she gave me back ALL the stuff i gave her. That was the last time i heard of her, until this year, in March.

So yes, this is when the ugly starts. Ive been thinking about her. Since the break up, in March 2012 (last year), i couldnt stop thinking about her. And this year, March, i just couldnt take it anymore, i called her for the first time. She was shocked and happy at the same time. So we met on the very day i called her, which is on 1st March, on our annivesary. I had so many things goin on in my head, like treat her dinner, and then maybe going back to her place, and we can love eachother and stuff. So come the night, I was dressed at my best (maybe not to others, but i did dressed nicely cause i was so excited to see her), and i picked her up. So when she was in my car, before she told me she had all night, and when she was in my car she told me she only had an hour cause she said she had to work. I was gonna cry already. So yeah we went to nearby dining and talked a bit of this and that. And finally i had this courage to ask if she had a gf. Sadly, the answer was yes. I was heartbroken already, all over again. So yeah. And then she told she had to go, so i sent her back, and when it was near to her place, I asked, " so what time is ur work" , she replied "Actually im going for dinner with my gf, m boss has someone replaced me". Okay, i was crying already, and i was good at hiding it. So then i left her at her place and i went back crying on my best friends lap, i told her everything, i told her i was gay too.

I know, if you guys are reading it, you might think my story is too much. Im telling you all the details because i want you guys to know what was happening and how you can help me with this.

And so yes, it was last March, and we met again the next month, we went lunch, and she told me how much she loved her gf and stuff. Thats the second time we met this year, after a year. It went well, but as usual, i was heartbroken to hear all of her stories and her gf. She sounds very happy, and im happy for her too actually.

After all what happened, these two years from the first time i met her in March 2011, we broke up for good in March 2012, and now its Aug 2013. I cant stop thinking about her since we broke up. She was always on my mind. And actually two days ago. I had this courage to actually analyze why i actually dumped her. I guess it was because I was so scared of people loving me, since i have this insecurity about myself. And i tend to get jealous with everything, even with something that never took place. So when she loved me with all her heart, i pushed it all away. My insecurity overpower everything. So whenever she told me that she would fix the relationsip, i just couldnt listen. And so on.

Now i really dont know what to do. What should i do? I admitted everything to her, on last Friday, and she said this "you know what i feel like doing now? I feel like going to you and comfort you, and I dont know if this is considered as cheating, but thats what i wanna do right now". I was so happy and i was waiting for her to text me and i keep staring at the phone, even now. I have the phone next to me, wishing her to text me, at least just to say hi. I am so in love with her, i cant even open my heart to any new people, even the prettiest or the nicest person on earth, i dont think i can do that. Im still hoping that she would come and see to comfort me. Thats all i want right now. Is it that bad for me to wanting her to come to me and comfort me, plus she was the one who said that first. And now i know, Ive been thinking since last Friday, I wont do anything that will ruin her current relationship. I know how much she loves her gf, but i cant just control it. I feel like kissing her, hug her( but i think hug is acceptable) and you know, even making love to her, cause the last time i wanted it, i wanted her love, i didnt get it at all. So i guess this is one of the reasons i cant forget about her. Thats why i mentioned about the sex part before ( not to include the private part, but maybe it can help you guys to help me, i really need help now). And ive been crying like crazy these three days. This morning, before i joined this forum, i went google everything i need to know. And now, ive been thinking since this morning, that, its time for me to move on. Cause, she belongs to someone elseo whom she loves very ****ing much, and my friend always warned me not to seduce her or anything cause its not right. And like i mentioned before, she gave me ALL the stuff i gave her before, - teddy bear, birthday card, and stuff.

My plan is like this. I wanna see her, tell her all the things that i need to tell her, to clear my mind, my heart and everything, to tell her why i dumped her and everything. And the most important thing, i wanna give back her da card i made special for her, the one she returned back last year when i went to her place to take my stuff. I cant look at the card at all.

Do you guys think its a good idea? To meet her, to tell her everything, and to give back the card, and im gonna tell her she can do anything to the card, she can burn it, keep it or anything she wants, as long as im not the one whos keeping it, cause it was meant for her. I know my story bores you but i really need need help. I seek help from my best friend too, but she said no, dont see her. But i need to see her. Thats why im posting this thread to ask help from all of you people, that might have some idea or suggestion , and maybe some of you that have been in this kinda of situation. I know my situation might not be worse. But everyone is different at handling this, so to me, this kind of situation, is very hard me to cope. I really hope anyone of you can help me. I dont want to cry anymore, i dont want to keep loving her like this, when shes happy out there. Cause right now im confused, what im feeling now, is it love, or is it because i never had a closure.

Thanks so much to anyone who are keen to help me. it means the whole world to me, i really mean it.

Love, Nally.

[Lord Darkshire]

I suggest you seek out a good therapist. You have some serious issues....control issues, trust issues, insecurity issues....if you don't get professional help, you will see this happening in other relationship you have, and it will never end....you will keep pushing people who love and care about you out of your life. Your first step is to admit you have a big problem and need to address it.

[girldarling]

Thanks Lord Darkshire, I've been thinking about it too. I will consider it .

[Lord Darkshire]

It will make you feel better if you had someone to talk to at least.

[Valixy]

Every now and then we are lucky enough to have encounters in life that end up transforming us in better people. The process of growing up is painful and many times involves loosing that special one but the personal revelations are priceless. This is a very valuable experience for you, OP, and with or without your ex-girlfriend you will become in time a much stronger and happier person. Besides your personal work on yourself and efforts to improve your life and future love relationships, therapy could always guide you in the right direction and maybe accelerate the process.

Regarding your question if you should meet her or not one last time, I think that you should do whatever you feel it will bring you some closure. Then look to the future with confidence and start again with projects that make you happy and give you joy. There still are many good things and much love waiting for you on the way.

[girldarling]

Hey Valixy thanks so much for responding. I will focus on myself from now and moving on, instead of waiting for an uncertain future with her. Thanks =].

[Valixy]

You're welcome Good luck!