Recently married, thinking of someone else, feeling awful

[studentc]

I've just come across this forum in the hope of some honest advice please. I know how much of a bad person I must seem, and please do feel free to tell me so, as I know I deserve it. I'm truly sorry. But here we go, this is my dilemma.

I've been married for just under four months, been with my partner for six years. I do love him, but I am concerned about our relationship. We're still very young, and I worry our sex life is not 'normal' but who's to say what is, I suppose. I've suffered with depression/anxiety/related issues for most of my life and I know that has a part to play in this whole saga. I can often be withdrawn, and my husband throws himself into something to keep busy because of it I think.

Last year, I became a mature student though, and things started to look up. I had a focus, I was enjoying staying busy, and I threw myself into studying. But then I met someone a heck of a lot older than me and my feelings have started to change. This person also feels the same way about me as we've had a much-needed open and honest discussion. Nothing has happened I'd like to add.

I do love my husband, but I'm concerned that I have grown some wings that I want to spread, and I can't. But he is an incredibly good person. He's looked after me whilst I've been unwell, and while I'll eternally be grateful for that, I don't want a patient/carer relationship if that makes sense. He's my best friend, but I suppose there's a niggle in my mind that that's all he is.

We have tried talking about this to some degree, and had quite a big argument recently because of it, but we both know it was needed.

I feel like the most terrible, ungrateful, pathetic excuse of a human being for having these feelings for this other person. They keep intensifying, and I don't know how to manage them. I have no one to turn to to talk things through. My head is a mess. I don't get what this situation is trying to tell me.

I'm sorry for this post, but I'm honestly really stuck and any advice would be appreciated. Many thanks. x

[michelle23]

Your having an emotional affair-thinking the grass is greener. You need to research this in detail and cut contact with the other man. That is the only way to save your marriage.

[confusedguy1012]

I agree with michelle emotional affairs are hard to handle cut off contact with the other guy and fix things with your husband. BTW guys are supposed to take care of there women when they need it it's how the world works so its not a patient carer realationship he just is showing he loves you.

[MaryPulson]

Fix things with your husband first. Are you sure the other guy would love you through and through? Your hubby loves you . Don't let everything you have been through go to waste.

[Mattiemae]

You made an emotional attachement to this guy. Probably to do with your insecurities and depression. If you want to help your depression there are new studies coming out that show meditation and mindfulness does in their words not mine, cure depression symptoms. From my own experience of doing this for three years I can back this up. Really you have to get a grip on the depression, and how you think about yourself, the world, and other people in general. Find your self worth and self love and you will find yourself with a better handle and perception on life. You're Anxiety, worries, and depression are what stop you from having a happy life. Now the husband of yourse probably loves you very much, and it would be bad if you lose him because you are searching for someone outside yourself to make you whole and complete. Learn about depression and positive thinking. You will be thankful if you do. The best thing you can do is stay away from other men if you have feelings. You did make a comittment, and marriage is not dating anymore. http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2014/01/07/260470831/mindfulness-meditation-can-help-relieve-anxiety-and-depressionhttp://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/news/media/releases/meditation_for_anxiety_and_depression

[Sunnybeach7]

Do you want your marriage? Because if you do, you need to cut all contact with this man, inform your husband of your decision, and ask for his support.

There is no shame in your husband caring for you. If you love each other, why should that be a problem?
You've known your husband for 6 years at least.. this other man you've known for what? a week or two?

Yes, it's easy to feel a little freedom and feel you want to be adventurous, and feelings can develop.. which means that you need to do the right thing if you value your husband and your marriage.

What would happen if you give up your marriage for this guy that is "a heck of a lot older" than you and all is good for a year or two when this guy decides you are getting old and he needs a fresh new woman? It happens.. maybe not in every case, but it does. How much do you know about this guy? It can't be too much.. he may even just want to get you into bed, then move on. Would your husband be so strong to forgive you? Do you think he deserves to go through something like that? Think now.. before you act. Talk to your husband again.. ask him what he thinks you should do.. and what he would do if he was in that situation.

[IndiReloaded]

They are all right. Break contact with this other man. Get off the needle. Talk to your husband about your needs. If you need to vent, that is what family is for.

[basilandthyme]

Old thread. Norah B, stop bumping old threads and wasting everyone's time.