How do I know if it's time to pull the plug on this relationship?

[Calilatina]

First, I want to thank you for taking the time to read this post. It will be a long one. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. We met online, both of us recently out of previous relationships. For him he was newly separated from his wife of 16 years and has 3 kids with her. Super long story short, theirs was a dysfunctional relationship, a difficult separation, and it took a long time to finalize the divorce. Throughout all of that, our relationship went from friendship to a romantic relationship during a span of six months. When I started dating him, I knew he was very different from any guy I had dated before. I did that intentionally as all my previous relationships had not worked. In addition to the typical relationship criteria - funny, nice, etc - I wanted to date someone who was financially secure and who already had kids and didn't want any more. Well, he checked those boxes and is super smart on top of that.

What has been missing since the beginning has been an emotional intimacy. At first, I figured he'd been pretty scarred from the ending of his marriage and then he has had to expend a lot of energy continuously fighting with his ex and all the emotional manipulation involved with the kids. I told myself to be patient, that he would warm up and become more expressive as time went on. I am a very affectionate person and like giving and receiving affection. I told myself that by modeling for him the type of affection that I like, he would eventually begin to reciprocate. When we are physically intimate, I have to initiate the intimacy almost every time. He has a high sex drive and we are physically intimate on a regular basis but he doesn't do the typical romantic foreplay. For example, he never undresses me or really touch me anywhere but the obvious places. Afterward, he doesn't like to cuddle. Additionally, he does not like to kiss unless it's directly related to sex.

As time has gone on, he has not warmed up emotionally. He tells me he loves me every day, but he doesn't express it to me in ways that I need. He doesn't hug me, he doesn't hold me, and his kisses seem very chaste and platonic.

I have talked to him about my need for emotional intimacy and he has told me that he's not used to being with someone who needs that type of contact. I tell him that I need to feel that he loves me, not just be told and he says he doesn't understand what I want. I tell him in detail what I need and he just says he shows affection in different ways - by buying me nice gifts and having conversation with me. I can't seem to get through to him that gifts are not intimacy (he only buys me gifts on special occasions, not on a regular basis or spontaneously, and I buy him gifts all the time) and that being able to converse with a partner should be part of any healthy relationship.

I know one shouldn't compare relationships, but every relationship I'd been in before him was always filled with love and affection. Those relationships didn't work out for issues surrounding finances (I was always the one who made more money) or related to a desire to have children on his part (I have never wanted to have children and have always been very honest about that but guys seem to change their mind about wanting kids around the 3-4 year mark). I am used to being in affectionate and emotionally intimate relationships. I can't believe or accept that being with someone who is financially successful, smart and has his own kids means that I have to give up on the emotional intimacy that I desire.

My BF says that not all relationships have to be emotionally intimate. He feels that he shows his love for me by being present on a daily basis. He doesn't see anything wrong with the lack of contact, nor with the way in which he engages with me when we are being physically intimate. Last night, I wanted to be with him and really needed to feel connected to him. He was very cold towards me and made me feel like the act of physical intimacy was nothing more than sex. When I talked to him about this, he told me that he is who he is and that he had made as much change to the way he interacts with me as he is able to. He essentially said that this is as good as it's going to get.

I don't know where to go from here. I have been very open and honest with him. I have been extraordinarily patient with him, as his relationship with his ex continues to take priority on an annoyingly regular basis. I have let him dictate the pace at which our relationship has progressed. I have allowed myself to take last priority in his life, behind his children, his ex and his job. After two years together, I had hoped that our relationship would have grown to include the emotional intimacy that I so crave. I have conceded on many things in order to be in a relationship with him, and have grown to love him deeply in spite of all the challenges this relationship has presented.n I don't think I'm asking for anything unreasonable.

I need help. I do know that I would not be happy if things continue as they have been. Do I accept reality and walk away? How else can I communicate with him to get him to understand?
Thanks for any advice you can offer.

[basilandthyme]

Your partner is absolutely right - not all relationships have to be emotionally intimate. However, this doesn't meant that you should go without getting your own needs met.

I would highly recommend you learn about the 'five languages of love'. There are books and multiple websites if you Google it. Both of you are displaying your love but in totally different love languages.

The way forward with this man would be for both of you to adapt and learn to speak each other's language as well as your own. You need to appreciate the way he shows love and he needs to give more in the way you need it.