Confused by the Male mind/heart

[MommyBehnke]

Okay....very short back story. I'm a recently divorced mom of three. Was separated for 2 yrs prior to divorce. Haven't dated since 1999 and was with ex for 1.5 years before married. Been a while since I've "dated" and I'm more the steady relationship type.
Met a great guy. He spent the two years during my separation (after his divorce) in love with me. Telling people I knew and who knoew my family that he was going to marry me some day. Two years of being friends and then we started seeing each other after I was divorced. Obviously we've both been hurt and have baggage
The problem is that we keep playing this two steps forward one step back game. Things go great for a while and then completely cold. Then it's back to talking about a future. I don't know if this is just a guy thing or just him or just me.

Any insight? I want straight up honesty guys.

Thanks in advance

[ExpoNovak]

Can you elaborate a little on what you mean by "completely cold"? Are we talking just kinda standoffish or does he ignore you for days, not take your calls, etc?

[IndiReloaded]

Tell him what you want. Men respond well to direct requests. Just make sure you are open to whatever response you get. Men will try to tailor their answer to whatever they *think* you want to make you happy. That's when things get confusing. Keep it straight.

[Gigabitch]

Sounds like he was pretty comfortable with the way things were before, when you weren't completely available. Or maybe you were. Which is it?

[Junket]

Men will try to tailor their answer to whatever they *think* you want to make you happy.

This is very true. After I officially started dating my girlfriend, we kinda lost that "friend connection" we had before. Being brutally honest and straight forward in conversation. I realized this and eventually eased up on being so careful with my attitude. It's definitely lightened the mood since and makes spending time with her much more enjoyable.

[MommyBehnke]

Doesn't call. Says after the fact he's been dealing with stuff. Always around the time he's just had to send his daughter back home. We still have the very frank discussions about our pasts our futures what we want in life from each other etc....
just wish when he was stressed he wouldn't hole up in his own world. Like for a week every once in a while he's just absent. Then everything is just like before and things get even stronger. He says he doesn't want to bother me with his problems.
Times are getting few and farther between but still very frustrating.

[vashti]

I'd believe him about the "not wanting to burden you with his problems" statement. It sounds (based on the scant bit you've posted) like he is having a hard time dealing with letting his daughter go, and withdrawls into himself when he has to let her. I can understand that - it must be very painful for him. I think it is normal for men to be rather on the stoic side when something's bothering them: they don't necessarily run and talk about it with women.

Not to plant the seeds of insecurity in you, but are you sure he is done with his ex-wife? His pain may be making him yearn for a more stable home environment for his daughter.

[MommyBehnke]

Definately done with the ex. They actually do drop offs at a local church because he wants little to no contact with her and refuses to be alone with her. I know I get depressed when my boys are gone.
So is the concensus to just give him time. Having a hard time finding the balance between "thou shalt not nag" and "thou shalt not be a doormat"
Not sure if/where to draw the line.

[squirrley]

Dont be the doormat. This relationship has gone on long enough to know. He knows what he wants or doesnt wants and sounds like he's comfortable keeping at the levels at which they were. Ive learned in past relationships and openness later on, that men typically like to go to their cave to solve their problems not their woman. Give him the time he needs but youre relationship is probably at the point where you can tell him this is how you feel. I dont believe in ultimatums, but you have to stand up for yourself.

Even with x families you are suppose to work together, hell ive got it and were not doing it so its hard call. But youre both old enough to know if this relationship is worth hanging on or moving on.

goodluck

[anachronistic]

Men will try to tailor their answer to whatever they *think* you want to make you happy. That's when things get confusing. Keep it straight.

yea, and we're usually pretty upfront and honest about things, unless you are dealing with a sly, hoodwinking fellow.

don't overanalyze the situation, as women have a bad habit of doing so.

[straight&56]

Dont be ...... that men typically like to go to their cave to solve their problems not their woman. Give him the time he needs but youre relationship is probably at the point where you can tell him this is how you feel....

goodluck

Most people visiting here may know there is a good book on relationships titled 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'.
The men going to their cave situation is discussed - you must have read the book squirrley.

I have no interest in promoting this book - you'll find it available on Amazon - it's got a wealth of knowledge on the subject.

Hope this helps - straight