Need female advice: Think my spouse is cheating and want to see phone records

[hopeless003]

Hi All,

New to this forum. I have been in a relationship for 10 years, 5 of which were in matrimony. Recently, I separated from my wife because certain events that led me to believe she may be seing someone else when she is outa town on business trips. She is obviously denying the affair so I have asked her for her cell phone records for the last six months since she started password locking her cell phone. She has refused because she feels it is an invasion of privacy and demeaning. What do other women in the forum think? Is asking her for her phone records unreasonable?

[xxazurexx]

Yes it is reasonable asking for her phone records and if she had nothing to hide she would provide them.

Saying that, you said you were seperated. Seperated and with a view to reconciiling after you sort this mess, or seperated for good?

If seperated for good, then why bother even asking for phone records. If wanting to reconcile, then yes I can understand your wanting to see them and like I said, she'd offer them up and if she had nothing to hide. I would anyway.

[hopeless003]

Thanks for the feedback xxazurexx. Yeah, we are supposed to be separated for good, but there's still a part of me (a small part of me) that wants "the live happily ever after" to still be a reality. I left because I was being taken for granted, criticized and definitely not getting the respect and consideration a husband should get from his wife, in addition to my gut feeling that there was someone else in the picture. Also, we have a four year old son together so that is also a huge factor in my lingering heart. Lately, it seems as though she's been pursuing me hard to reconcile; however, she is trying to pick back up the relationship via the back door route (avoiding the main issue altogether). I just can't seem to get past her reluctance to show me those phone records and as such I made it a requirement that must be granted before we can even begin to reconcile. Her response thus far is that she would rather just end the relationship than go down the road of providing phone records. She says, "if she grants such a request it may become the norm for our relationship going forward". In the 10 years we've been together I've never made such a request, so I dunno why she's taking that approach. Her latest suggestion is that we seek marriage counseling. I think counseling is fine and I think we need it, but I don't think a counselor will be able to convince me that I don't need to see those phone records. Again, the only reason why I want to see those records is because the last few months of the relationship, she started password locking her phone (something she or I ever did before...strange). I agree, I think she is hiding something.

[Confused81]

I'd go with your gut on this one.

If you are not the insecure type that is always accusing her of cheating and this is the first time your doubting her then really she has no reason not to show you her phone records unless she's got something to hide.
If on the other hand your accusing her every other day and always have done, then if I were in her shoes I would not show you the records either.

Counselling could be an option if you both wanted to reconcile...... but the truth would have to come out or theres no point to it.

[hopeless003]

In my opinion, I wouldn't categorize myself as especially insecure. I think when the situation deems it, I am reasonable speculative when things don't ad up and throughout my relationship with this woman, there has been a few times when things just didn't add up. Also, on the flipside, I'd say she is the one who is overly distrustful and accusing me of having affairs at work, etc. I mean it was to the point that I couldn't go visit my little brother in the next city or my folks without her calling me every minute to come home. It is the constant accusations from her that contribute to me thinking that she may be up to no good. As they say, "as a man thinketh, so is he". Even in this separation she is accusing me of having someone else in the picture and that is so far from the truth.

[sarahprincess]

yeah, if she was accusing you of affairs, its really not a good sign for herself. I hear people sometimes do that if they feel guilty. I would want to see the records too. Is there no way you can get them from your service provider? Or have you already changed plans from each other?

[Confused81]

I would definately be suspiscious then. My 2 cheating exes were always accusing me of cheating when I was completely devoted to both of them while we were together.

There is alot of red flags with your hole situation and I think you have probably already answered your own question on the topic and just came here for backup.....

[hopeless003]

Your right Confused81, I do have an answer for myself and did come for back up. To answer your question SarahPrincess, we had separate plans with our cell phone provider (not a shared family plan). So, there's no way to get to those records outside of clandestine methods that at the moment I do not have at my disposal.