Is this the right thing for me?

[smokey1212]

Hey guys
I have a problem... I am deeply in love with my fiancee, and we have been together for about 3 and a half years now. She is a smart girl, shy, very motivated about personal improvement, very attractive, but some signals in this relationship make me feel like things are unbalanced.
She has told me that first of all, she would never move away from where we live right now because she wants to stay close to her family. In fact, she has said that if ever I wanted to move, it would be over between us. She justifies the answer by saying that this is something I've known since the beginning.
It is not a big deal because I don't plan to ever leave here, because this province is the place that makes her happy, but the IDEA of her not willing to make that sacrifice for me makes me feel that I don't come first.
When we argue, I am (without any exaggeration) the only one who ever apologies, even I am in the right. I do this cause I hate to see her upset. However, it concerns me that she is unwilling to compromise; and as far as I've observed, she never sees if she's at fault.
I try to communicate with her, but she always see's it as an argument, even when I say, I am just trying to communicate. She is never willing to compromise on anything. She is VERY VERY VERY self centered and hard headed. I am trying to be as fair as possible here, so I get the most helpful responses, but she is very much " I come first" in her life.
Additionally, she is unwilling to defend me to her family. Her family loved me at first. However, we have been engaged for around 1 and a half years, and her parents don't like that we haven't gotten married yet. However, the only reason why we haven't gotten married is so we can pay for my fiancee to go back to university, which we agreed is more of a priority. Untop of this, her parents only hear the bad. When me and her get into a big argument, and she visits her parents back at home, she will let them know about things I said, and essentially tell them about the argument. However, when they ask questions about me which are implying I am not as great as they expected, she would never ever defend me. She justifies this by saying that her long time boyfriend in high school was not liked by them at all, but she would always defend him, and he turned out to be a looser. So she believes that her parents wouldn't believe her.
Here are my flaws: I used to be a HUGE computer gamer, and occasionally I will sit in front of the computer and play games for long periods of time. I make a HUGE effort not to anymore cause I know it upsets her, and she feels like I could be doing something more productive, but sometimes I just want to unwind. Secondly, she has mentioned that I am a lazy lover; "lover" meaning that I am not romantic. I am fun natured and we have lots of laughs, but it is true, I very rarely go out of my way to get her flowers, or take her out to dinner. However, my idea of a good time with her is sitting around just chatting or watching TV Series together, which she enjoys as well. In fact, she spends alot of her time in our room just surfing the internet, reading blogs, reading comics ex.
Admittedly, she is far more productive considering the majority of what she reads is educational, and she has mentioned that she in unattracted to the fact that I don't spend my spare time doing the same (and for the record, I am making HUGE efforts to do.)
Another thing that bothers her, probably more than anything, is my horrible inability to clean. Let me make something straight, she is a CLEAN FREAK and I am not at all. With this, I have no excuse, I really do not clean as much as her, and I have been to the very least a failure in regards to improving. I do a much better job at creating LESS of a mess, but I still am inconsistent with dishes/laundry ex.
All this considering, I still feel like I just dont come first in her life. I have made large commitments. She spent a year going to school, and not working while I worked full time. The combination of her student loans and my income got her through that year, but it almost tore us apart.I felt that I was working while she was going to school, and I just have this nagging feeling that she would never do the same. We are doing it again right now except this time she will be working part time while going to school fulltime, and we are MILES better in our relationship then we were before, but I am nervous about it simply because of one thing: I feel like I would do far more for her than she would do for me. I am sorry about the length of this post, but I just needed to get this off my chest. I love her, with all my heart and I want to help her achieve her goals.
Eventually, I want to go to school for engineering and she has agreed that after she gets her degree that she would work while I pursue my school, but I just have this nagging feeling that when the tables turn, it wont be as simple as it sounds. Additionally, we still have to consider paying for the wedding and she says that she wants to have kids, which I cant see happening while one of us is going to school full time.
Am I being paranoid? Or am I in an unbalanced relationship? I've tried to be upfront with everything, and I hope I dint leave anything out.... anybody have any life experience they can pass on?
To some it all up, I just feel like I don't come first... when we argue I actually believe she doesn't care if I get hurt.... She never encourages me, and if anything is critical about me. How do I know she is happy in this relationship? Would she be happier with someone else?

[Yggdrasil]

Smokey,

unless I totaly misread your post, I have no choice but to conclude you are in a unhealthy relation.

Your fiancee sounds very controlling to me, which definitely unhealthy. It also seems to me that you are taking the blame for everything that's happening, which again indicates that you are being controlled and not allowed to have a mind of your own, aka, being an individual. It very much sounds like things have to be her way, or the highway.

Saddly enough, as long as she doesn't recognize she has a problem, things wont change.

Talking about it with her won't change much either.

You seem to have several serious issues to, which do not allow you to have a healthy relation.

I suggest reading the following:

Control freak

In psychology-related slang, control freak is a derogatory term for a person who attempts to dictate how everything around them is done. It can also refer to someone with a limited number of things that they want done a specific way; professor of clinical psychology Les Parrott wrote that "Control Freaks are people who care more than you do about something and won't stop at being pushy to get their way."[1]

In some cases, the control freak sees their constant intervention as beneficial or even necessary; this can be caused by feelings of superiority, believing that others are incapable of handling matters properly, or the fear that things will go wrong if they don't attend to every detail. In other cases, they may simply enjoy the feeling of power it gives them so much that they automatically try to gain control of everything around them.

I also suggest reading this link:

[url]http://www.helium.com/items/341248-how-to-deal-with-a-controlling-partner[/url]


When it comes to you, I suggest reading up on this:

[url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive%E2%80%93aggressive_behavior[/url]

I hope this helps you making an educated decission in regards to your current situation.

Good luck.