I have a big problem =(

[Spidok]

So I've come to this forum because I have a huge problem in my life right now. Firstly I suppose I should say about me... I'm a 19 year old guy who's short and overweight. I've never even had a decent conversation with a girl before or even been friends with a girl but over the last 2 or 3 years I've started to feel like I want a relationship.

Now I've turned to online dating to try and find my "soulmate" but I soon discovered that I'm extremely fussy about both looks and personality so finding girls I wanted to get to know was a bit difficult. Anyway I did talk to a few girls but that usually only lasted 1 or 2 conversations with the exception of one girl who I've now been talking to for a year. I've actually surprised myself with this because my social skills are terrible but somehow I manage to have good conversations with this girl more than anybody else I know. We have a lot in common and have the same interests and sense of humour and all that stuff that should make a good relationship.

So anyway the problem... unattractive overweight guy with slim beautiful girl just doesn't seem likely and we decided to meet in real life now so I don't know what to do. She's going to take one look at me and run away or give that "you're not my type" shit (meaning if I had a fit muscular body I would be her type). To make this worse she seems quite serious about diet/fitness and stuff like that. Unfortunately looks are important to a lot of teenage girls because of all these "attractive" men they see everywhere.

So what would I do in a situation like this?

[Cyberpunk85]

Have you not posted your picture on the dating site? Or did you do one of those tricky Facebook angles to hide your real body weight? If so, then you'd better come clean with her before the meeting--otherwise it's going to be Hell. But, if she's already seen your picture, and she knows you're overweight, then what's the problem?

[ochriso]

I go running and do weight training quite often, it can be fun.

Ask yourself this, would it be worth all the hard work of doing exercise and keeping in shape so you look good and feel good, to then have the love of the girl you desire? I think it is worth it and thats one of the reasons i do it.

[Spidok]

Have you not posted your picture on the dating site? Or did you do one of those tricky Facebook angles to hide your real body weight? If so, then you'd better come clean with her before the meeting--otherwise it's going to be Hell. But, if she's already seen your picture, and she knows you're overweight, then what's the problem?

Yeh, I admit I try to position myself so that I look better and suck my belly in. I did tell her I was overweight but I don't know how she'd react to actually seeing it.

I go running and do weight training quite often, it can be fun.

Ask yourself this, would it be worth all the hard work of doing exercise and keeping in shape so you look good and feel good, to then have the love of the girl you desire? I think it is worth it and thats one of the reasons i do it.

I was in decent shape but people always disrespected me and took the piss out of how small I was. I did take up weight lifting but to be honest it's the most awful thing I've ever done and I couldn't enjoy life because I kept dreading going to the gym all the time, never built any muscle even though I went as far as steroids. Therefore I decided to pile a ton of food into myself and I actually managed to double my bodyweight plus an extra 25lbs and now I don't think I look like the sort of guy who you could push around. This also increased my confidence dramatically as I've gone from being the smallest guy everywhere I go to the biggest. Sooo.... I feel good about myself but I don't think girls are going to like my fat stomach very much. Bit of a difficult situation. Most overweight people don't like how they are but I'd pick fat over slim any day =P

Oh btw I should say that I don't fall into the obese category so I'm not extremely fat or anything.

[girl68]

How big are you? And how short?

Honestly, if you hated weight building that much and you didn't build muscle, you're absolutely doing something completely wrong. Do you realize that you won't get very far unless your eating habits change dramatically? Especially if you're into pizza, pasta and pop (or the like).

Chances are if she's a health nut and you're totally not, the chances of her getting annoyed, frusterated and eventually repulsed by your unhealtly life style are quite high. Do you have any desire at all to get into shape and be healthy? You do realize that you don't HAVE to go to the gym and lift weights there are plenty of other ways to shape up, but ALL of them go hand in hand with eating better. Ok, that's all for the lecture there.

Moving on. I was in HER situation once. Met this guy, saw his picture, thought he was cute we chatted, got to know eachother, and liked eachother- a lot! Eventually we met up and it was an instant NO. I was not physically attracted to him at all. He wasn't ugly by anystrech, nor was he super huge, but he was a carrying a little too much for what I was comfortable with. I just simply wasn't feeling it. The date was akward, he kept attempting to touch me in a playful way but I was just not having it. When the date ended, I was happy and we said polite goodbyes. Being young at the time, I didn't have the balls to tell him I wasn't interested so I just slowly blew him off to he got the hint. It wasn't the best way to do so, I realize now- but that's my story. You seem like a nice guy but, so long as your "expectations" are in check go, attempt to have fun, at least learn how to socialize and interact with a woman even if you know the time you meet will be the last time you meet.

Lastly, get in shape.

[Applesauce]

As a general rule, people should date within their bargaining range. An avg looking guy can get away with dating a hot girl if he has a great personality or is successful. Insecurity problems arise when you perceive your romantic interest is out of your league

OP, ask yourself what do you have to offer that other guys don't. Why should this girl choose you over all her other prospects? Find stuff you like about yourself and work with that. Of course, do this without telling her. You don't want to come across like you're trying to sell yourself

[Spidok]

How big are you? And how short?

5 ft 8 and just over 200lbs. Certainly not slim but not massively overweight.

Honestly, if you hated weight building that much and you didn't build muscle, you're absolutely doing something completely wrong. Do you realize that you won't get very far unless your eating habits change dramatically? Especially if you're into pizza, pasta and pop (or the like).

I know a lot about nutrition but like I said I don't actually want to get into what people consider a decent shape. I see these slim guys with the six packs who weigh like 160lbs or something and I would rather look big and heavy to be honest because these guys look like they don't eat properly. My belly is there because I drink a lot and eat crap but I do make sure I monitor my daily calorie intake and try not to put any more weight on. Despite this my level of fitness is acceptable as I walk about 80mins a day without a problem. I can't run at all but I don't see a need to and this is probably down to the fact that I've never played a single game of sport in my life rather than my weight.

Moving on. I was in HER situation once. Met this guy, saw his picture, thought he was cute we chatted, got to know eachother, and liked eachother- a lot! Eventually we met up and it was an instant NO. I was not physically attracted to him at all. He wasn't ugly by anystrech, nor was he super huge, but he was a carrying a little too much for what I was comfortable with. I just simply wasn't feeling it. The date was akward, he kept attempting to touch me in a playful way but I was just not having it. When the date ended, I was happy and we said polite goodbyes. Being young at the time, I didn't have the balls to tell him I wasn't interested so I just slowly blew him off to he got the hint. It wasn't the best way to do so, I realize now- but that's my story. You seem like a nice guy but, so long as your "expectations" are in check go, attempt to have fun, at least learn how to socialize and interact with a woman even if you know the time you meet will be the last time you meet.

So if you had seen a picture before you met him did he manage to hide his weight somehow on camera?

As a general rule, people should date within their bargaining range. An avg looking guy can get away with dating a hot girl if he has a great personality or is successful. Insecurity problems arise when you perceive your romantic interest is out of your league

Well I see myself as the average guy who has a decent personality but I really do feel like this girl is too good for me which is a shame because we seem to get on with each other.

[girl68]

5 ft 8 and just over 200lbs. Certainly not slim but not massively overweight.

I don't actually want to get into what people consider a decent shape. My belly is there because I drink a lot and eat crap but I do make sure I monitor my daily calorie intake and try not to put any more weight on.

So if you had seen a picture before you met him did he manage to hide his weight somehow on camera?

If she's a healthnut like you say- you're attitude on health and fitness it straight up repulsive. I'm kinda into fitness and if a potential man said what you're saying I'm fat and I like it, and I don't want to get into shape I'd say see ya... Honestly man. A guy with that attitude is a turn off!

Unfortuantely where I'm from your height/ weight is really quite obese to me. But maybe where you're from people are just larger, who knows.

And that dudes picture, just like you posed creatively, sucked it in and took it at a flattering angle. I was misled.

[Ariadne]

I'm extremely fussy about both looks and personality

This is the only thing I have issue with here. If you know you're overweight and you're ok with it, that's fine and dandy. More power to you. I'm sure a lot of women would still find you attractive--personally I prefer a little extra weight on my men. But you can't be picky about your woman's looks if you're not willing to compromise on your own.

And if she's a stickler for healthy bodies... well... she's PROBABLY not going to be into you. It's not a definite because her health obsession might only extend to herself, but more than likely she won't be ok with it. If you really want things to work with her, you might wanna consider being willing to work out with her and getting better eating habits. But if you're serious about wanting to stay the size you are, you don't need to compromise for her sake. Contradicting myself a bit I guess but ultimately it depends on what you want more.

[Spidok]

If she's a healthnut like you say- you're attitude on health and fitness it straight up repulsive. I'm kinda into fitness and if a potential man said what you're saying I'm fat and I like it, and I don't want to get into shape I'd say see ya... Honestly man. A guy with that attitude is a turn off!

I am hoping she's just obsessive about her own body and that she won't really judge others too harshly. I did actually ask her what type of guys she goes for, she doesn't like tall or skinny so that's two things I'm definitely not anyway

Unfortuantely where I'm from your height/ weight is really quite obese to me. But maybe where you're from people are just larger, who knows.

And that dudes picture, just like you posed creatively, sucked it in and took it at a flattering angle. I was misled.

It doesn't reach obese on the scale here. I've been thinking I should actually post a realistic picture of myself (without trying to pose in a certain way) here and see what people think. But if I wanted to let this girl know that I don't look that great in real life how would I go about doing it aside from just turning up?

This is the only thing I have issue with here. If you know you're overweight and you're ok with it, that's fine and dandy. More power to you. I'm sure a lot of women would still find you attractive--personally I prefer a little extra weight on my men. But you can't be picky about your woman's looks if you're not willing to compromise on your own.

Thing is I don't actually go for what others would consider as really beautiful girls. I try to go for girls who are my type. I'd actually say I have a little extra weight, nobody would look at me and say... "wow you're fat" but maybe like "you could do with losing a few pounds".

And if she's a stickler for healthy bodies... well... she's PROBABLY not going to be into you. It's not a definite because her health obsession might only extend to herself, but more than likely she won't be ok with it. If you really want things to work with her, you might wanna consider being willing to work out with her and getting better eating habits. But if you're serious about wanting to stay the size you are, you don't need to compromise for her sake. Contradicting myself a bit I guess but ultimately it depends on what you want more.

Like I said above I'm hoping she just cares about herself more than how others look or that she is accepting of how I look would work also. But I couldn't say what I want more... I want this girl obviously but I also want to be comfortable with myself.

[reeba]

I have a friend is your height and overweight. He is convinced he should date only good looking petite girls. I tell him he is the equivalent of a smoker only wanting to date non smokers

[Spidok]

Well I hate the idea of smoking but that wouldn't stop me dating someone who was a smoker... sooo yeh.

[girl68]

That's a personal choice but a LOT of non smokers that'd be a deal breaker. Gross. I actually feel the same way about people who don't take care of themselves.

[Spidok]

I take it you are referring to me when you say "people who don't take care of themselves" but I would disagree with that as I shower twice daily, always wear clean clothes, keep my hair tidy and make sure that I am smart in appearance before going out. But really I don't think there's any way I can tell if this girl will like me or not without meeting her in person.

[girl68]

Showering is only a teeny tiny part of "taking care of themselves". So I guess yes, I was referring to your overall attitude. You think it's cool to be as overweight as you are, you drink loads of beer and aren't active at all. Those are extremely unattractive traits to myself as I do much of this and more.

And yes, I do agree you won't be able to tell until you meet her.