3 years with this guy

[cutieme]

Hi! Just want to ask advice on my situation. I have been with my bf for 3 years now. Last year after living together for a year he decided to live separately because he felt like he wasnt ready to give up his space, I gave him what he wanted and we were fine even after that..I think it made us stronger too as a couple.

Next month will mark a year since we live separately..and Im ready to move forward ( meaning moving back together again), I feel like after a year of living apart and being 3 years together..you should know already if you want to be with that person or not.

What will I do if he say's he's not ready and he's not sure when he will be. I dont want to wait for someone who doesnt know what he wants..how will I know if he's ever going to be ready or not?

[lesa]

Knowing what I know now, I would never live with a man I am not married to....(I might if I am engaged and the wedding is very soon).

[Charlie Boy II]

yeah I don't really want to live with someone before I marry to them either. What's your reasoning lesa?

[lesa]

One of my reasons is that I've been there before. I lived with him for years and was engaged as well. I ALWAYS thought it was a good idea so that I can get a feel for his day to day life.

Now, I know that I do not want to do that again unless I am married or maybe if the wedding is very close or we eloped which the ex and I was thinking of doing many, many times. His mother was even preparing to make the wedding gown!

I feel (this is my opinion and I know many will disagree) that if marriage is your intention then you will ruin your chances of that ever becoming if you live together for too long. Some 'statistics' say that those who live together for years usually never marry or get a divorce soon afterwards. If you do live together then it should be no more than 1 year before marriage (preferably less)....don't live together for years. Living together 'ruins' the thrill of getting and being married. You tend to want to stay in this rut and not seek marriage if you live together....and you will make excuses to yourself to not marry and there is no legal commitment to stay when things get tough. [This is what happened to me. I began to become less tolerate of EVERYTHING he did, was afraid to marry, and found excuses not to…which lead him to become less tolerate of ME. We got so bad that we both lost loving respect for each other.]. You will quickly become annoyed of simple day to day things and find reasons to believe life may be better without them and just leave without working it out. You don’t work things out like a loving married “team”. You are not a team just boyfriend and girlfriend living together. You don’t think like a team when minor issues come up. If I was married, I know now that I would have been more tolerating of simple unimportant things because I would have seen us as a team and not sabotage that.

I have many, many other reasons as well. I will probably think of them later, lol. I would not live together if marriage was on my mind. If not, then it's fine. Be very sure that marriage will never occur and let the partner know.

[Charlie Boy II]

yeah I also like the idea of marriage being a "new start". A completely new phase of life with new experiences. Not just a wedding ceremony and then back to the same arguments about the dishes in the sink.

[lesa]

yeah I also like the idea of marriage being a "new start". A completely new phase of life with new experiences. Not just a wedding ceremony and then back to the same arguments about the dishes in the sink.

I agree 100%. You don't get that 'new start' of life together feeling when you live as boyfriend and girlfriend. I thought about that for a second but was concentrating on my school career at the time to realize living together before marriage won't be good. I want to feel like a team when I am married and I know that it starts by not living together until then.

[starbuck]

Hi! Just want to ask advice on my situation. I have been with my bf for 3 years now. Last year after living together for a year he decided to live separately because he felt like he wasnt ready to give up his space, I gave him what he wanted and we were fine even after that..I think it made us stronger too as a couple.

Next month will mark a year since we live separately..and Im ready to move forward ( meaning moving back together again), I feel like after a year of living apart and being 3 years together..you should know already if you want to be with that person or not.

What will I do if he say's he's not ready and he's not sure when he will be. I dont want to wait for someone who doesnt know what he wants..how will I know if he's ever going to be ready or not?

If he isn't ready, there isn't really much you can do. However, what you could do is set a timetable for moving back in together. That way you don't feel like you're waiting indefinitely, and you can also gauge whether or not he is willing to compromise with you to help meet your needs.

Lesa, made a very good point above. Living together has its pros and cons. Even though living together is something that you want, and after 3 years together, it's natural to want this, it might not be all that bad to have your separate spaces for a little longer. Especially if the both of you are say, in your twenties.

[Norma Jean]

Personally, I don't think you really know someone until you live with them. This whole .. waiting until marriage thing can be a great idea but what happens if you wait and marry some guy, and it turns out he's a horrifying person to live with and you're stuck. Who cares if the whole initial honeymoon phase isn't there, is that what makes an entire marriage work? I have numerous friends who lived together for years before they got married and they are the happiest people I know.
My opinion is, if you couldn't live with your boyfriend then .. or he couldn't live with you vice verca, you will never be able to live together.
If he's willing to give it another go then do it, see where it leads you, but if he can't do it then end the relationship. No sense wasting more valuable time.

[shh!]

I agree 100% with charlieboy and lesa. There isn't (IMO) any really compelling reason to live together before marrying. Most people spend weekends or vacations with their significant others before they get married, spend time at their apartments, etc... If you can't get a pretty good idea of their living style based on that, you aren't trying very hard. The things you find out after you marry should be the kind of things that can be negotiated (he likes to sleep in the middle of the bed, she leaves towels on the bathroom floor, he leaves the cap off the toothpaste, etc.)

As far as I can see, the biggest problem with living together is that women often see it as "the next step" towards marriage, and men often see it as a way to avoid marriage.

Anyway cutieme - assuming you are both past the age of 27 or so, I agree you have been together long enough that he should have a pretty good idea if he wants you or not. If he sees no future with you at this point (regardless of living arrangements), and your goal is marriage, it's time to consider how long you are willing to wait around for him.

[I'm not telling]

So I guess that means that you need to give him some time. Then maybe a few months before your wedding get into the same house again? (you won't have to move everything back right after your wedding)