Help! Should I leave it or be direct and ask?

[BalticGirl]

Hi All

So I met this guy three weeks ago. We had a very nice first date and ended up going home together.
Next morning when he was driving me home, we stopped to have some lunch and ice cream by the river.
He texted after saying that he has really enjoyed time with me and looking forward to meet me again.
So we did. Met second time and 3rd time last Friday.
He took me out for nice dinner and drinks.
I thought it was OK to text him first now. So I did. I asked how was his weekend with parents.
We were texting a bit this yesterday morning.
Since he has initiated previous dates, this time I asked him if he is still keen to do something next weekend. The answer was “Sure, but maybe towards the end as I have plans for Sat and Sun”
I asked if Friday would work? He said “Or Monday?” (long weekend) I told him, that Friday would work better for me and asked him to let me know,so I can arrange the rest of the weekend too.
Haven’t heard anything yet from him...and this was on Monday...
Should I just be softly direct and ask him if he is keen at all? leave it(HARDEST PART)?
I think I am suffering from anxiety.. Which brings me to very insecure feeling.
I am usually a person, who wants direct answers. I can take this " hard pill" be sad for the while, but at least I know where I am standing for sure.. And feel like texting him and asking if he is keen at all.. But this again would sound very desperate and needy. I dont wanna ruin things if there is still something..
After my dramatic break up 4 month ago, I finally felt that I met someone I like..

Thank you!

Sab

[Wakeup]

Did you meet him online? If not, how did you start talking to him?
Did you have sex the first time you actually were in his company, before you knew whether or not he was actually single?

[TheEvilJester]

I would also be interested in the answer to Wakeup's questions if you feel comfortable telling us. However, I will say this....

He had plans for Saturday and Sunday. You asked about Friday and he seemed to think Monday would work better. When it comes right down to it, that could very well just mean your plans didn't mesh up this time. Frankly, I agree if that is the case he should really just be straight with you and say that. Some people aren't that organized, though. Maybe he left it open because he is hoping to make something work, but isn't 100% sure it will for this weekend.

It sounds like this is the first occurrence of you trying to make plans and it not working out. So, don't worry about it yet. This sort of thing happens sometimes. Maybe try again for a different weekend or something. If it starts to become a habit where you keep asking and he never seems to be available, then is maybe the time to start wondering if he's committing to the relationship at all. For now, though, don't worry about one isolated incident.

[basilandthyme]

From your description, it doesn't sound like Friday was convenient for him. Or am I misreading the conversation?

[katie7304]

Notwithstanding the fact he responded to your invite with "maybe," which is rarely a good sign...he flat out told you the END of the weekend would work to better for him.

Instead of accepting his time limitation, you shoot back Friday would work better for YOU. WTH?

Then kept pushing for Friday, knowing that would not work for him.

May I ask why you did not accept or respect his time limitation and pushed for a day that would work for YOU instead?

In my world, that is called not respecting boundaries, wanting everything your way. Not cool.

He may have gotten turned off by your inability to be flexible and respectful.

If the tables were turned, and a guy treated me the way you treated him, it would be a red flag.

[dollhouse]

I'd hold out and let him contact you again, maybe he is very busy with his work, family and friends and cannot fit you in right now but when he can he will do another date with you. Don't get clingy early on, wait for him if you last reached out. I had a gf send several texts and calls to this one guy she went out with after not hearing from him, she panicked and overdid it and he was freaked out and didn't want anything permanent with her after that excessive display, she should have reeled her crazy back.

[Wakeup]

Here's another question: The long weekend has come and gone. Did you see him at all?

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Never mind... I see in your other thread that he had not contacted you and you gave him a deadline to by the 22nd.

Notwithstanding the fact he responded to your invite with "maybe," which is rarely a good sign...he flat out told you the END of the weekend would work to better for him.

Instead of accepting his time limitation, you shoot back Friday would work better for YOU. WTH?

Then kept pushing for Friday, knowing that would not work for him.

May I ask why you did not accept or respect his time limitation and pushed for a day that would work for YOU instead?

In my world, that is called not respecting boundaries, wanting everything your way. Not cool.

He may have gotten turned off by your inability to be flexible and respectful.

If the tables were turned, and a guy treated me the way you treated him, it would be a red flag.

Uhm... He said he was busy Saturday and Sunday... he didn't mention anything about Friday so she asked about Friday. All he had to do was say that Friday was not good for him and if she couldn't do Monday then it would have to be another night after the weekend. He didn't do that. He just ignored her which is the red flag. Not her asking for a day that he neglected to mention as not being convenient to him. The fact that he was not available to be with her on prime date nights is also another red flag about HIM.


@Baltic. He's multiple dating by the sounds of it. You'd do well to do what you said you're going to do in your other thread on the same subject and just block and delete him from all means of contact (including facebook).
[MENTION=2919]Katie[/MENTION]

May I ask why you did not accept or respect his time limitation and pushed for a day that would work for YOU instead?

Are you insinuating that she should just accommodate him and keep HER schedule open for him when HE deems he can see her and not even ask for a date that is more convenient to her? (BTW: As pointed out, he did not mention that Friday was not good for him.. he said Saturday and Sunday were not good for him.

[katie7304]

^^No I am insinuating that when she or any woman suggests getting together, and the person responds with a specific timeframe, like in the OP's case -- the END of the weekend --she should respect this and NOT impose HER preference.

HE is not the one who asked to get together... SHE did and when doing so it is simple common courtesy to respect HIS availabilty and preference for getting together.

And if HE had asked her to get together... and he did not respect when SHE was available, I would say the same thing to him.

I do agree with you about one thing though....the guy has clearly lost interest in which case she just forget about it and move on....

[katie7304]

This board isn't very active is it....?

Think I will head back to the other one where the discussions are ongoing, sometimes heated and most enlightening!

CYA!

[BalticGirl]

Hi all!
Thanks a lot for all comments and oppinions!
No he has never contacted me, neither did I.
Well i did respect his availability but also as it was said above he did not say Friday defo is not working for him.
When he said he was busy Sat and Sun i completelt forgot that this was a long weekend, therefore I have offered Friday, and he said "OR Mon"but I also said to let me know WHICH DAY WORKS BETTER FOR HIM.
He lost interest- i cant do anything about it can I? Chasing obviously wont help...

[katie7304]

I guess you forgot the part where he said the END of the weekend would work better for him, huh.

Doesn't matter, you're right he lost interest so it's all moot anyway.

No there is nothing you can do except move on....sorry.

[TheEvilJester]

We could argue tomato, tomato.... wait.... that doesn't work as much in writing as it does spoken, does it? :-P

We could argue semantics here, but the impression I get is he said something to the effect of "The end of the weekend would work better for me." Though, I would tend to think that to mean "Earlier in the weekend, doesn't work for me" I'm not a mind-reader, nor is BalticGirl. (At least I assume she is not. ...What am I thinking right now?)

So, taken at its face value "The end of the weekend would work better for me" could just as easily mean "Earlier in the weekend COULD work, but the end would work better." It just so happened that Friday worked better for her, so she asked. He never came out and said "Friday DOES NOT work for me" so why should she not ask? If it doesn't, all he had to do was say that. Maybe that weekend just didn't work out for them well.

Anyway, unless there is part of the story we are not hearing, if he can lose interest that quickly, then you are better off without him anyway. He did you a favor. Good luck to you. I hope very soo you find yourself a guy who will actually put some effort into your relationship and won't cause you to feel insecure in the first place.

[BalticGirl]

Hi TheEvelJester,

And thank you. Thats exactly what I was thinking. He has onky mentioned that Sat and Sun he was being busy. Fair enough- I said I was busy Sat as well but available on Friday.
When I said "so friday maybe?" He said "OR monday?" Without saying Friday does not work for him...
And no, there is nothing hidden here. If I decided to write here and ask for the advice, sure enough I was being honest, otherwise how would I get an honest opinion
From what I know he was dating someone and it ended not that long time ago. So I assume this guy just want to enjoy single life for a bit longer then just stick to one person.
I have to be honest to my self- he does not owe me anything, he was not my bf.
Of couse this is a bot sad, i thought i could like him and he seens extemelly keen after 2 firsr dates we had ( and yes, even after he got what he wanted after first date he was the one chasing me)
I agree, I should have let him chase me for a longer period of time, but I am kind of modern woman who thinks that its two way street and women sometimes should put some efford too.
We are friends on FB( his idea as well) not sure if I should keep it? Delete?

[TheEvilJester]

And no, there is nothing hidden here. If I decided to write here and ask for the advice, sure enough I was being honest, otherwise how would I get an honest opinion

You may be surprised. I meant no judgment, I just don't know you so I cannot vouch for your honesty or lack-there-of. Some people (even some I've known personally) do tend to leave out important details of stories (or even blatantly lie) for their own benefit.

You definitely didn't strike me as that type of person, but you never can tell.

Now, your assumption may very well be correct. If he just got out of a relationship not too long ago, then he very well could just want to "see what is out there" right now and not really commit to any one person. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. You are right that he owed you nothing, and you are an awesome person for being so open and understanding about that.

The thing is, at the very least he could be a damn adult about it. Rather than just pretending to still be interested and just fading away, if he felt you were moving too fast he could just be honest and say he's not ready for anything serious and he wants to move on. Instead, like any normal human being should, you assumed he still had interest because he was still acting like he wanted to make plans.

It would be ridiculous to give up on somebody because of ONE TIME that your plans didn't mesh together. So, why would you NOT continue to try? From what you've said, though, he's all but disappeared at this point, so obviously he wanted to move on, but was too much of a child to just be honest about it.

Good for you, I say. He did you a favor by removing himself before you had the chance to get any more attached. He could have manned up and done it in an adult way, but at least now you know.

As for Facebook, here are my thoughts....

Do you have any intention of being friends with the guy? If yes, then maybe keep him as a Facebook friend. Do you feel that maybe you are being a bit hasty and you two could still continue to move forward, but maybe he's just been temporarily busy? If yes, then maybe you keep him as a Facebook friend for now.

Otherwise, if you basically feel you are done trying to date him, and you see no reason to keep him as a friend in real life, why bother keeping him as a Facebook friend?

[katie7304]

We could argue tomato, tomato.... wait.... that doesn't work as much in writing as it does spoken, does it? :-P

We could argue semantics here, but the impression I get is he said something to the effect of "The end of the weekend would work better for me." Though, I would tend to think that to mean "Earlier in the weekend, doesn't work for me" I'm not a mind-reader, nor is BalticGirl. (At least I assume she is not. ...What am I thinking right now?)

So, taken at its face value "The end of the weekend would work better for me" could just as easily mean "Earlier in the weekend COULD work, but the end would work better." It just so happened that Friday worked better for her, so she asked. He never came out and said "Friday DOES NOT work for me" so why should she not ask? If it doesn't, all he had to do was say that. Maybe that weekend just didn't work out for them well.

Anyway, unless there is part of the story we are not hearing, if he can lose interest that quickly, then you are better off without him anyway. He did you a favor. Good luck to you. I hope very soo you find yourself a guy who will actually put some effort into your relationship and won't cause you to feel insecure in the first place.

You're right! How silly of me not to presume that when someone (him) states that the END of the weekend would work better for him, that the END of the weekend actually includes BEFORE the weekend as well!

How stupid of me....what was I thinking??? Lol

OP, his response to your Friday suggestion (or how about MONDAY?) speaks volumes. He got annoyed because clearly you either weren't listening when he said the END of the weekend would work better.. or you didn't care...

No wonder he lost interest. If the tables were turned and I told a guy who asked me out I was available at the END of the weekend, but he disregarded that and pushed for the Friday BEFORE the weekend because that day worked better for HIM, I would be turned off too. It's inconsiderate and frankly shows signs that he may be a bit of a control freak. Wanting things his way, instead of being considerate and respectful of my schedule and time limitations. Even after I told him.



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^^And if that's not bad enough, even after he said "or how about Monday?" you proceeded to disregard THAT too...announcing again Friday would work better for YOU.

Newsflash: when you ask someone out, unless they are a friend you have known awhile or a family member, the onus is on you to be considerate of "their" schedule.

Actually, speaking personally, even with friends, I am always considerate of their schedules. That is how I was raised. To be considerate and respectful towards everyone.

And when they say they are available the *end* of the weekend, you don't shoot back with a day *before* the weekend because that day (Friday) works better for YOU.

And then when they essentially tell you "that" day doesn't work by suggesting a day at the END of the weekend instead (in this case Monday)...you DON'T disregard that and again shoot back with that same day (Friday) that he pretty much JUST told you was "not" a good day for him. Otherwise, he would have said yes to Friday, instead of suggesting Monday!

Simple consideration and common courtesy. Again, no wonder he never called again. Ugh.