Plz help me decide if I shud call it off. I have just 1 day to figure it out.

[tufchoice2make]

Hi,

I apologize for the extremely long post but I feel these details are important for you to know, to be able to advise.

I and my husband are annuling our wedding of 11 months. We got married in the court last year in the presence of our parents and our wedding ceremony was to happen in December this year.

He and I lived in 2 different countries and were in a long distance relationship. 3 years back,He had moved to UK to pursue his masters while I moved to US for my job. I wanted to pursue my masters too but when this job opportunity came along I decided to earn and save for my further studies,considering I come from a middle class family and have a lot of responsibilities. Since he didnt have a similar opportunity he took a loan and went. His motivation behind doing a Masters was to get a much better paying job. I had wanted to do a Masters course for a very long time as I want to eventually get into the academic field.The long distance went on fine. I tried to extend as much support as I could and did my best to sustain it. I visited him to 2-3 times in the UK, took a month's work-from-UK, made sure always had time to speak to him across the time zones. Then last year in Dec, we decided to get engaged ceremonially and also marry in the court so he could get a dependent visa for the US which would make it easer for him to find a job in case he needed to come for an interview.I wanted to have the wedding ceremony last year itself but he asked me to wait as it had been just 6 months since he completed his Masters and he needed time to settle down and also find something in US so we could ultimately be in the same country.We chose to settle in US as his sister is here and also because job opportunities related to our fields are more than in uk.

After the wedding in December last year, we started having frequent fights. Mostly the reason was money. For the first 2 years I didnt mind spending on my husband, paying a ton of money on phone bills, paying his Skype bills etc. But post the wedding my expectations changed a bit. I wanted him also to spend on me which he didn't. I continued paying his Skype bills while he didnt even get international calling enabled.He bought me UK tickets once but asked me to book his US tickets when he flew in for an interview. When I asked that money back as I was in need, he got really mad at me although he returned it. I got along well with his family from the very beginning but he never tried to build much terms with mine. But now I wanted him to but he didnt seem to try at all. He is very insensitive towards me and inexpressive and I started complaining a lot about it.He said he would change once the long distance would get over. He started having problems with the fact that I took all my decisions on my own. Eg: I decided to sponsor my parents' trip to US and switch my job to one with a slightly lower salary because I hated the work environment. But a/c to him I did the wrong thing in these 2 cases as didn't think practically when it came to money.

While all this mess was going on, 2 other things happened he found a job in the same city as me and decided to move to US in January next year. He quit a very big brand in UK and joined a much smaller company in US. The new company gave him a 200% hike though. I also got through my dream University,which is not in same city as his job. The plan was that we would get married in December and in Jan next year he will move to US. I will pursue my Masters , which is a 10 months course and then we will start our lives together. I was hoping that the wedding would resolve all differences and fix things.

After all the invitations had gone out, a month back my husband put a condition.He told me that he would marry me ceremonially only if I gave up my Masters (which would mean a long dist of another 10 months) because he didn't believe the long distance would work anymore. If I go for my Masters , he wants to annul the wedding and see if after 1 year we would still want to get married again.I dont want to give up my Masters because it was always a part of the agreement of our relationship and it has been my dream for years now. I waited for him to study and settle down and I thought he would wait for me for one more year. I agreed to defer my Masters by 8 months to be with him and then go. But he thinks that is a bad idea as that will delay the plans he has for having kids, buying a house etc. I am already 28 and he thinks we should have kids in 2014/15 itself. So a/c to him its not at all practical and logical for me to go for my studies.He feels pursuing my Masters is an illogical idea as I am already earning a very handsome salary and so will he when he moves here. He thinks I am giving up a perfect married life for an illogical whim of mine. Also, he tells me that when he gave up his job with such a big brand in UK , I should also be able to give up something for the sake of the relationship. The reason I dont feel like giving up is that I feel he doesnt want to take my financial liability when I am studying ( although I have saved every penny needed for my course) and he wants to use that money for buying a house etc. Our fights and problems related to money matters have led me think this way.

Please help me figure out this situation.Am I over-thinking or over-analyzing? Please help me decide if I should annul the wedding or I should give up my Masters to be with him and fix the relationship.It is a choice between 2 equally important things: my dream of experiencing further studies and a relationship of 3.5 years.

Please help ! Thanks for your patience.

[basilandthyme]

tufchoice2make, I do think you need to call it quits. Both of you seem a bit too self centred to be married.

[smackie9]

You both were so preoccupied in your own needs that you both figured the other would compromise. The problem is, is that your two did not sit down and thoroughly discuss, all your expectations for the here and now and the future. Marriage is a big step, you have to be on the same page with finances, careers, when you are having kids and how many, if you are having kids, where you are going to live and work as a team, who's family you are going to spend Christmas with, etc. You both now realize you both have very different expectations, and now it's all falling apart right before your eyes. Sorry but you can't just throw caution into the wind and worry about it later thinking love with get you through this. You both are done, don't be married anymore and end this relationship.

3.5 years is nothing to give up, compared to happiness for the rest of your life.

[Kiechi]

Update? ...........

[steviej]

Are you married to sheldon cooper?!

[smackie9]

He's gay, he wouldn't marry her unless she was a man.

[tufchoice2make]

Why Sheldon Cooper?

[tufchoice2make]

You both were so preoccupied in your own needs that you both figured the other would compromise. The problem is, is that your two did not sit down and thoroughly discuss, all your expectations for the here and now and the future. Marriage is a big step, you have to be on the same page with finances, careers, when you are having kids and how many, if you are having kids, where you are going to live and work as a team, who's family you are going to spend Christmas with, etc. You both now realize you both have very different expectations, and now it's all falling apart right before your eyes. Sorry but you can't just throw caution into the wind and worry about it later thinking love with get you through this. You both are done, don't be married anymore and end this relationship.

3.5 years is nothing to give up, compared to happiness for the rest of your life.

Thanks for your advice.

[tufchoice2make]

Although calling it off seemed to be the most logical and practical decision, I somehow was not able to and so I decided to talk it through again with my husband. However,he feels that by deciding to go for my Masters I have acted uncompromising. Also, he says that I make my own decisions which doesnt go well with his family as they all skype for hours together to make every decision, however small or big. He told me that if I could promise to be compromising going forward and also that I will take decisions based on consent from his parents, elder sister and him only then he would want to go forward with this relationship.
Another reason which makes him insecure and think I am uncompromising is that I have sometimes mentioned that few years down the line I want to support my kid sister's education. He feels insecure that I will give all the money I earn to my family.

I have done everything possible I could for my husband and his family in last 3.5 years. Never missed sending presents for them on their birhdays, never missed any of their important functions/celebrations while he has never done this even once. I may be sounding selfish by expecting these things in return but I cant help feeling this way. And despite all of it he feels insecure about me not giving him any money.

I have left the decision on him. I chose not to make any promise of listening to his family in all my life's decisions and told him to take a call based on my actions in this relationship rather than my words today.He has not called me back since 3 days.. I dont think he wants it anymore ! So guess the decision is made.

[steviej]

Why Sheldon Cooper?

Never seen big bang theory? The way you describe him sounds exactly like sheldon!

[Fruitsss]

serious things like this u need to ask people that knows u and the situation more and
that love u.

cause we are strangers so we will tell you our opinion the way we see it as strangers.

and i just could not read everything cause there is to much drama and problems.

from what i see i dont believe woman should be left behind in being independent in some kind of way and uneducated etc.
and u say he dont spent much money on you, so maybe he is not the one for u or u guys for shore
did nt take any time to really know each other and family's.
that is more important then getting marry out of the blue.

cause if u took time u could have had time to discus also things like manage your money as a married couple and having kids etc.
cause right now its like now u r getting to know each other on little things that u supposed to know before marry.

and maybe u guys both wants to act like things are socially accepted(marry ,career,kids, etc) but your guys are
not there jet with your head and heart.
cause both of you have more attention and interest in master degree and making a career and big money.
and maybe u and him are not for each other cause maybe its also that he dont want his woman to be educated like him r he feels insecure about it. witch is a know problem between well educated people.

i dont know so thats why u need to talk about it with people that know u guys more.
cause i just give u ideas and things i think can be the issue.

anyways the truth is u guys need more time before u marry.
and that time is not for having sex, like people oftent do, but to go true the list of things
and problems u may have to deal with true a marriage.
like how to deal with education of the kids, how many kids,money, who stays home for the kids etc.

and u guys did not do that before marry, and took time for it and to know each other and each others wishes and heart desire.. so its better for u to go for your master and
to use that time also to see if its all worth it and have serious talk about what u guys wants in a marriage.
find books(christian books) that can guide u in that. dont wait till u are married to go find out what plan u will follow.

and after having kids having a master will be much harder for u. and remember also that for your own desire its god to do your wishes. but once u have kids u and him cant keep working on career.
cause kids need their parents there especially when they are small. so enjoying your master be for a small period once u have kids. but if its what u want go for it before marry. cause often once marry, kids will come right after that. and less time u will have for yourself and your dreams .cause the kids will be the priority

[Fruitsss]

and it should be our money if u r married, our house, our cars, our bed,
if u have to think its your money or he think its his mney like that , thats already a separation going on.

[smackie9]

Although calling it off seemed to be the most logical and practical decision, I somehow was not able to and so I decided to talk it through again with my husband. However,he feels that by deciding to go for my Masters I have acted uncompromising. Also, he says that I make my own decisions which doesnt go well with his family as they all skype for hours together to make every decision, however small or big. He told me that if I could promise to be compromising going forward and also that I will take decisions based on consent from his parents, elder sister and him only then he would want to go forward with this relationship.
Another reason which makes him insecure and think I am uncompromising is that I have sometimes mentioned that few years down the line I want to support my kid sister's education. He feels insecure that I will give all the money I earn to my family.

I have done everything possible I could for my husband and his family in last 3.5 years. Never missed sending presents for them on their birhdays, never missed any of their important functions/celebrations while he has never done this even once. I may be sounding selfish by expecting these things in return but I cant help feeling this way. And despite all of it he feels insecure about me not giving him any money.

I have left the decision on him. I chose not to make any promise of listening to his family in all my life's decisions and told him to take a call based on my actions in this relationship rather than my words today.He has not called me back since 3 days.. I dont think he wants it anymore ! So guess the decision is made.

Marriage is a partnership, between TWO people. Your situation is him and his family has control over this marriage. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.....not once has he made any compromise for you, but instead has manipulated you (dictated by his family) with guilt. That's pretty raw IMO.


If my husband said that to me I would say **** that shit, it's over.