I just found out that my boyfriend of 2 years has a 3 year old son

[lillybeans]

and im having a difficult time being happy or supportive. His ex (who lives 1 hour away) had the state make him take a paternity test about 5 months ago (after the first three guys tests turned out to be negative) There was another guys name on the birth certificate who raised the child for the first two years. When that guy left her (for cheating- same reason my boy left) she started going after all the guys she slept with. Im super proud of my boy, after getting the test results back about a month ago he really wants to do the right thing and be as much apart of the kids life as she will let him be. He had to put in his 30 days notice at his rental that he can not afford now due to child support and was going to live out of his car. Of course i wasnt going to let that happen and he's now temp. moving in with me. He is only 24, hasnt finished school and has a fast food job, he is also bipolar and manic. He has been drinking a TON since he found out, but the past 4 days is the absolute happiest ive seen him in awhile. Im wondering why I am having such a hard time staying positive or supportive when he's "up" like this. He wrote her a letter and she called him immediately. He went to meet with her and talk yesterday, they decided he should meet the child the next day. He spent the night at his families and met him for the first time today, he was so excited and thrilled. I however am severely depressed. I love children and am really excited about the thought of potentially having him around 2 weekends a month and 5 weeks in the summer. But he (and she) have decided not to involve attorneys and not create a "parenting plan" but to just see what happens rather. She is wanting him to come to them every weekend for the next 3 months at which point she will decide what she thinks would be best for the child, and my guy agrees with this. I know she is extremely manipulative and dont trust her at all (she never wanted him to leave her- he had to move out of the city) I do trust him completely though, so WHY AM I HAVING SUCH A HARD TIME DEALING WITH THIS!? i want to be there for him, but i feel so awkward. Im used to being in control and i can not do anything in this situation. I went from being his #1 to his #2 or #3 even... i feel confused, but mostly frustrated and disappointed with myself. Any one else have to go through a similar situation? Everyone I've talked to dosnt understand why i just cant snap out of it. Im worried because he is going to be home tonight and i dont even want to see him because of my horrible/rotten mood i dont want to bring him down on this amazing day, but instead be there for him... i just dont know if im capable

[Regnent]

Eep, well, I think you're bang on not being comfortable with the situation.

Personally, I would -really- encourage him to enter into a -legal- agreement over this. There is alot of risk when it comes to situations like this. She wants to let it play out, but I would be highly suspect of her motives. If she chose to, she could easily manipulate the situation into something far uglier than it can, or should be.

Also, an hour isn't horribly far, if he's interested in being a part of that life, he might want to consider shared custody.

[lillybeans]

thank you for the input! He did talk to an attorney who said in the state we live in their is no such thing as "joint custody" (because thats what he wanted to do) the best he can have is the 2 weekends a month/5 weeks during the summer. apparently the attorney told him that is was best to avoid lawyers if possible (who knows if what he heard and relayed to me is actually what was said) Regardless the few times Ive tried to bring up my concerns over "what if you die then your family will want him!" that all has to be dont legally... he gets so mad and instantly defensive. He feels that m attacking him (no matter how careful i am) he knows that i really dont like his ex and accuses me of being over emotional and says i should be supportive. Im thinking that since I dont have anything nice to say perhaps i should just stay away from him for awhile, but hes moving in!!! I dont think im going home tonight, will have to figure out a plan... Ugh

[Regnent]

You can avoid lawyers (I think) and still have a legal agreement.
I don't know much about custody issues in the US, but if this is a person you intend on supporting, and staying with, I would advise that you look into it as well.
You do not want to find out that he's either being manipulated, or lying about the situation down the road.

I don't think you need to get directly involved, but I do recommend that you educate yourself on the child custody laws for your state. The more you know, the better choices you should be able to make in regards to this new development.

[MerryH]

It's understandable that you're having difficulty with this, but you really need to try to be happy and supportive. And try to stay out of it. You're not going to be the kid's stepmom. You're not even intentionally living with his father. You need to back off and stop "bringing up your concerns." It's not your place.

You're jealous of a small child, and it's ridiculous. This should be a happy time. That kid is lucky that he has a dad who wants to be there for him. Look at the big picture, stop focusing on your own petty issues, and be there for your boyfriend.

[blinki]

i don't think she's jealous of the child!!! she's pissed because the ex wants him to go to her house on weekends. HER HOUSE. god knows what could happen. i'd be pissed too. you don't spend weekends at an ex girlfriends house. that's asking for trouble. there's nothing wrong with him having the boy on weekends or whenever, but not at the ex's house.

[lillybeans]

i just talked to him. he couldnt stop talking about what a great mom she is and how she turned her life around and how amazing the kid is and how hes the happiest he's been in his whole life. i listened when he said that i needed to decide what i wanted to do and if i could deal with him being gone every weekend because he wanted to see him all the time, i didnt say a word becuase i felt like i couldnt even breath. i listened until he said that he was "pretty" sure he was not going to move up there, then i vomited- literally. I hung up the phone, puked, and have been bawling my head off ever since. i hate that i care

[lillybeans]

i dont feel jealousy. i feel completely ****ing confused and torn

[lillybeans]

and just because im not the "stepmom" dosnt mean im not involved. i love him

[MerryH]

i dont feel jealousy.

Come on, now. You said you have trouble being supportive because he's been so happy lately, and you also said something about being his #2 or #3 now. You are jealous.

[reeba]

I would be pissed too. First I would be pissed that all of a sudden there is two more people in the relationship. Anyone who is involved with a divorced person with kids will say that it brings on a lot of stress. An ex that is constantly in the picture is bad enough, but kids mean you know that the 'constant' is forever. The site is full of people whining about their bf/ex still in contact with his ex (and these are single childless people I'm talking about), and they can't deal with it.

And the other thing, he is thrilled about these two people. It isn't like he has a pissed off ex who proved how much she hated him by dragging his butt to court. No, he is thrilled with the little family.

I'm guessing that she is scared she is going to lose him to his new family that he is so thrilled with. My response is, since he was so low on the list of guys to get paternity tests, his ex was hoping with toes and finger crossed, that he was not the father. So I doubt that she wants him. Right now she just needs some support till another bf comes along. But I'm sure she will keep taking the $.

[hello1]

Yes I have sort off been in this situation

Three months into my relationship my boyfriend told me had a child, he lied to me the whole time about having a child as I made it clear from the start I did not want date a man with children due to the stress that comes with it and I know I could not handle it due to my age. Anyway I can understand where your coming from as now you got these two people in your life and they are not going away, they will always be there and your boyfriend will always be in contact with his ex. If I was you I tell you to RUN, RUN A MILE. If you are still young find a man with no baggage, seriously it is not worth it.