vicious self-doubt circle. No role model in life.

[Off2College]

I am back in this loop of not having an aim in life, and am just working towards nothing. Seriously, it is Friday night, and I could be doing so much but I am sitting here feeling shitty about things. Look, I'm at the oldest and most prestigious post secondary institution for my field, which is pretty vocational. But I've always doubted whether choosing the vocational route over a more liberal route was the right choice. And seriously, it has been more than a year since I made my decision, and I still don't know what I should be doing with my life.

I just saw the movie Full Metal Jacket, which really got me thinking about conformity. People in my school are very smart, many are cross-admits at top Ivy Leagues and all that shit, and the entire culture of the school is to push you towards certain vocations. Yet I am not utterly convinced that these vocations are what I want to do.

In another issue, a family friend who is 2 years younger than me told me the other day that he wants to go to exactly the same school as me, and wants to basically have the same achievements and shit. That is really frustrating, because I never thought in my life that I would be a role model to someone. I am a very competitive person, so I hate it when people copy what I do. So now it seems that the more I help this friend, the less "ego" I have in being the first person from my high school to attend my university. I know this is very lame, since his mom were roommates with my mom before either of them got married.

But I guess I am just bitterly jealoused that he could have a role model, but I don't. I am completely flying solo since freshman year, and I don't know what I want to do with my life. Yet I'm already half way done college, and shit, I don't even have anyone to look up to...

****... The vicious self-doubt circle returns. I hate this.

[DoesntMatter]

Haha Full Metal Jacket is a great movie. I love the Surfin Bird scene

What college do you go to?

[vashti]

You don't know ANY person you admire in any way? Wow, that's pretty sad.

Anyway, I don't think you should be looking for any single person to fill those shoes. It is more realistic to have a few people to advise you on different matters.

[DoesntMatter]

You don't have to admire any single person. Maybe you should admire an ideal instead

[lastwish]

Role models aren't always necessary...there are plenty of principles and ideals people look up to.

[boobaa]

I guess the question you should be asking is, why are you having doubts in your current path of life? Do you have something else which you would like to do more than what you are doing now? What is it?
What are the downgrades of things that are right now? With what do you compare them to? Make a list.

[Off2College]

I hate how this always comes back to "what would you rather be doing?" I've obviously thought about that. I don't think I'm taking enough liberal arts classes. I'm a philosophy minor, but I was originally going to major in philosophy and economics, with intention of going into social work and activism after college. But then I didn't make it to a top liberal arts school... I always thought that to do social work and what not, I needed to get into a top place. But then after I didn't make it, I decided to go to a vocational school, with intentions to build a solid career before entering politics.

Somewhere along the line at my current school, I just gave up on going to Law school, since I want to try out this vocation before heading to my eventual career of politics. But the promise I made to myself when I decided to come here was to get that solid vocational training, then go to law. That has just gone to hell, and now I feel like I'm the characters in Full Metal Jacket who just give in to conformity. That is all very ****ed up considering I spent sophomore year living by the philosophies of Nietzsche, which stressed individualism. But then I found myself completely isolated from everyone and everything, and I was very depressed for most of sophomore year.

Last year, while doing some work at the UN, I met a girl who went to a school that I almost went to, and she was living exactly the life that I had wanted to lead. That is traveling the world as a young social activist, and just seeing everything. But I had turned that school down because I thought it wasn't the top school that I wanted to go to... But in retrospect, I just can't get out of my head sometimes why I didn't go to that school and pursue philosophy ****, and econ. Instead I ended up at my present school, which was ironically my dream school back in high school...

My TA once told me that undergrad years is nothing, and it is not even the beginning of your career. But now, as I have like a year and half left of college, I am still in doubt over what I want to do. Everyone around me already know, or at least have a very good idea, of what they want to do.

Plus I still feel very lonely because I can't seem to find a girlfriend. i have two good guy friends this year, which I am super thankful for. But now that my family is moving again, and is currently completely split up due to work, I feel that my entire life up to now has been in isolation.

[Off2College]

I just feel super lost... I don't have ideals to live for. I tried living by Nietzschean philosophy, which I still believe is the best going explanation of human existence, despite its misery. But i've turned away from it.

I really feel like I should just get lazy and do what everyone else is doing. but in the back of my head, I know I can't. That's why I feel super out of place. Imagine being at MIT but your passion is not engineering.

[vashti]

I know you've been depressed lately. Perhaps you should talk to a counselor at school? I think the stress over your family moving (again) is affecting you in ways you didn't expect?

[snoz]

It's okay to feel lost. I think we all are in a sense and we'll always be confused and lost as to where to go.

Depression can be a factor but I hope you pull through it on the bright side like most of us I was so set in highschool on what I wanted to do but couldn't and ended up choosing to do another degree. Half way through that course I decided no enough was enough so I dropped it to pursue the career that I wanted and that was to be an graphic designer.

Started working all different kinds of jobs to support myself through the process. The day came where I could finally choose my course but by then I was persuaded to pursue a career in illustration. Now that I have my illustration job I'm still lost and I'm going to start a new course next year in animation.

I feel lost just as you do about where to go in life, who to look up to. Without me knowing I became role models for others because I'm so willing to change on a whim to do what I wanted to do (it's a curse really). But in the end I just wanted my self to be happy, talking about truly being content and happy with what you have in life.

So now I'd like to do that animation course but I also know that I don't mind enjoying working at a cafe because in the end I'm happy doing both.

and to think about it, engineering was pretty cool loved the physics ahha

Oh and it really is sad given your family situation. Don't be to harsh on yourself you're doing pretty well given your circumstance. I know saying stuff like we're your friends! over the internet doesn't really mean much but most people out there are more caring than you probably think. Not gonna explain my story but know you're not alone on not having friends and family issues, it's tough to change the mentality you have but I believe it will come. I wish I could help you there but my way of recovering from it wasn't pretty and I don't want you to go down the road.

[doppelgaenger]

Dude, when are you going to stop whining?

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUhM0BrZjsM"]YouTube - Wipe your little TUSHIES!!![/ame]

[electricity]

Are you at MIT? As a recent alum, I can tell you there are definitely groups very interested in social activism, philosophy, etc. You could also elect to cross-reg at Harvard and take classes there, even though I thought MIT had a very strong poli sci department.

You don't necessarily need a role model, but have you ever considered joining some of the clubs or the frats? My role model while I was at MIT was actually a Harvard student; we met at some intercollegiate competitions and even though I ultimately went into a completely different field, I'm still really glad to have met him since he gave me a lot of advice on how I should go about determining my own path in life.

If you're in one of the dorms, try talking with your housemaster. They're typically very successful people who are also very experienced and talented at dealing with student's identity crises. I similarly wondered if I had chosen the right school since I really enjoyed philosophy and was often quite confused about what I wanted to become, but I'm loving my life right now post-college.

[misombra]

oh shit i just was reminded of a movie clip to put in the classic movie scenes thread!

off2, everyone your age goes through the same thing. things WILL get better. now that you've admitted to yourself and said out loud some of the things you want, i guarantee they will come to you in time.

[IndiReloaded]

My TA once told me that undergrad years is nothing, and it is not even the beginning of your career.

This^ is the truth.

Imagine being at MIT but your passion is not engineering.

Lol, a lot more than engineering at MIT, but I know what you mean.

If you don't know exactly what you want coming out of undergrad I would suggest taking a year or two off to work & travel. A lot of professional & graduate schools look favourably on this kind of 'life experience'. It will NOT affect your ability to get into such programs in the slightest, if anything, it will help you look more focused & mature. It will also give you a chance to broaden your views about life and see 'what's out there'. Student life is generally very sheltered.

You mentioned politics & the UN. Are you interested in any particular area? Have you thought about living in China for a few years? Ppl knowledgeable about Chinese politics and business are VERY sought after in a lot of fields. Who knows? You might also meet a nice Chinese lady in the process. Just a thought.

[doppelgaenger]

So would it be feasible to go after a PhD, try to get a job teaching and researching at a Uni?