Online Chat - Emotional Affair?

[paltsi]

Hi all

just wanted to get some feedback about something that is bothering me now.

Yesterday after my game I went to visit my gf, a bit unannounced as I had told her I would go home after my game. Just wanted to surprise her and have a small snacks etc together. I did call her just few mins before I got there, but I think she did not realise I was so close by. When I knocked the door, she was a bit "Oh you are already here, was just making us home mini pizzas". Then she went to finish the pizzas. Her laptop was on the sofa and went that ding-ding sound of "MSN message received". She came over and rather hastily closed the chat window, I felt she was a bit flustered and trying to act all ok. I didnt mention anything, we just finished making and eating the pizzas.

We sat on the sofa and she seemed to me a bit too affectionate, cuddling and touching me while watching tv, and talking very cheerfully how were things and how was my day etc.

Then, I asked who is Michael - I saw the msn name on the bottom of the computer screen blinking when the message arrived (no, I did not read the message - that is not for me to do). She told Michael is her online friend, who she met years ago on some chatroom, maybe 1-2 years before we even met. ANd that she has never met this guy, and they are just friends. Then she also added if Michael would be visiting our city, she would like to get together with him as he seemed like a really nice guy. Then I asked why she was so hasty to close the chat when I came in, and she kind of brushed it off just saying "I already told him I'm going to make pizza to my BF and said bye to him". I felt a bit hurt and flat, and I guess it showed from my face as she asked if I'd want to see the chats she just had? I thought that it would not be my business to investigate what she has been chatting, parts of me wanted to, but bigger part did not want to enter that area. So I said no thanks, it is your business and desicion who and what you chat about.

Then, this morning I got a morning "wake up" text message - and usually it is me who sends that kind of text messages as I usually wake up earlier.

Now, things are really bothering me:
-The chat room they met years ago, was it a romantic or adult room? That kind of lays the invisible foundation to things, even on subconscious level?
-What do they chat about? Is it just normal things, or intimate about OUR relationship, or even THEIR relationship?
-Is he in a relationship and does his partner know about this?
-Do they text message and or call each others?
-Knowing how online chat relationships can develop, now I am wondering if there are some emails that I should be aware of?

I've searched lots of information about Emotional Affairs and of course the more one reads, the more things fit (in a negative way unfortunately).

We been together now +2 years, not yet living together though.

I have no issues or wanting to control her friends and who she talks to, I just felt really uncomfortable and had all kind of bad vibes for some reason.

I've been thinking that I'd talk to her, requesting her to honestly tell and answer my questions on this chat relationship.

I guess I am just looking for other people's views on things, to see what I might not see/notice.

Thanks for reading.

Love the World
Paltsi

[MerryH]

First, I give you props for not reading her personal conversations. That's really respectable, not a lot of people would have been able to resist.

Yeah, you should ask her about their relationship. You don't need to know all the details, just if they've ever talked on the phone or planned to meet, or have had any sort of, I don't know, "emotional" relationship, or whatever.

But really, it doesn't look like she's trying to hide anything. She told you they were just friends and even offered to let you read the conversation.

Do you have a problem with her having male friends in real life?

[paltsi]

No, I do not have problems with her having male friends in real life at all.

Like I said, I just noticed and sensed things, that now seem to add up.

Anyway, I am going to have a honest sensible talk, over a glass of wine or something tonight.

[MerryH]

Like I said, I just noticed and sensed things, that now seem to add up.

What, though? You really don't know anything about what's going on, except for seeing the chat window. Don't obsess over this or draw any conclusions before you talk to her. Don't hype it up yet, it could be nothing.

And for what it's worth, I've got a couple of "online friends" that I sometimes chat with (totally platonic, never anything sexual/emotional), and I would not want to broadcast that fact. It's just, how do you explain that to people without sounding weird? So I totally understand why she closed the chat window all shamefully.

[paltsi]

What, though? You really don't know anything about what's going on, except for seeing the chat window. Don't obsess over this or draw any conclusions before you talk to her. Don't hype it up yet, it could be nothing.

Fair comment and point, and noted.

And for what it's worth, I've got a couple of "online friends" that I sometimes chat with (totally platonic, never anything sexual/emotional), and I would not want to broadcast that fact. It's just, how do you explain that to people without sounding weird? So I totally understand why she closed the chat window all shamefully.

Not talking about broadcasting here. And not about "people", but your partner who you are in a long term meaningful relationship. If you feel ashamed about something in front of your partner, I guess there is trouble in paradise. Yes, case in point and clearly soemthing that her and I should discuss together.

[Stellarwolf]

Hmm that's tough... It's really good that you confronted her just because it's healthy to do that and that you did it in a respectful manner. I would say if you don't really want to make it a whole lot worse just see if you notice any other odd things or if you feel she's hiding something then you can bring it to her attention. if everything feels ok and it all blows over its probably just nothing and they really are just chatting buddies.

[elise4]

I obviously don't know what they talk about, but it's totally possible to be just a friend and nothing more. I have at least one male friend who I've been chatting with for years, purely as friends and nothing more. We even met IRL and we still behaved as friends. It happens the same way you make a friend in real life: you have similar views on things, maybe give advice to each other or just notice that you have many things in common and talk about stuff.

I would be worried about explaining this to people, as it sounds unbelievable to have a purely platonic friendship with a guy over the net, but I've seen it happen with others too and I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

[Agape]

It might be somewhat confrontational but I'm sure if you ask politely and nicely then it wouldn't look like you're accusing her of anything . . . you should work it out because if you don't settle it it will just build up

Other than that, it's probably nothing. It's just online friends

[xxazurexx]

Females can have male friends and without wanting to shag them.

If she liked him in 'that' way, then why is she with you?

And if they are gonna cheat, they will cheat and your stressing over it won't change that fact.

You either trust her or you don't....and if you don't, then leave her.