So i know that there are many people in the same boat as me. We all experience heart breaks but from what ive learnt this far, no heartbreak is like the other one.

I met this wonderful girl at my brothers graduation. Of course i didnt know this by then, we hooked up and that was it, or so i thought. I was looking for something so i found out her name and added her on facebook. We immediately hit it off together. She is 4 years younger than me (im 23) and to my surprise we had so much in common, we would talk for hours each night until sunrise almost (on the internet) and it was magical because most girls i've been with i have felt attraction for but maybe not having a lot in common. Well this girl was different, she talked my language and we shared a lot of feelings through music and she had all these qualities i loved! So we started seeing eachother when we werent talking, we were with eachother 16 hours a day in someway or another. Seeing her felt natural, she was careful because she had been hurt physically and mentally by previous boyfriends and i told her that i would never do that, and that that is definetely not normal and that shes just met the wrong people in her life. Well we had wonderful nights together, she hung out with me and my friend one night and it really felt as though we had so much going for us together, i knew she felt the same. She definetely had problems showing her feelings about things. But she did do it, only by small things, that i should have appreciated.

I go to college in america and was just in my homecountry Norway over the summer for vacation. This is where we met and we both knew that i would leave in the fall. She told me one night that she might develop feelings for me but shes afraid of it because she knows she might get hurt because long distance doesnt work. I should have known this but i couldnt help but falling for her deeper.

However, after we had been seeing eachother for 2 months i sent her a message saying that it was hard for me that she didnt show her feelings and that i dont know what to do? She became furious because she took it the wrong way, shes very insecure (just like me) and therefore she told me that it ruined so much because she thought we had something good together, and that i disproved that by saying so. I told her the truth, that i hadnt seen the small things that she did and apologized in a long letter. After a week she agreed to see me, she was sad about it, and not being the same anymore. I told her that she meant so much to me and that i felt that i had lost someone that i felt so much for and that i didnt want to lose her. She told me that she didnt know what to do about it. But that i meant a lot to her. We talked for hours, and there was a lot of tension between us... We finally said goodbye and she went home to her place. She looked into my eyes and kissed me.

The day after when we were chatting she said that she meant the kiss. The reason why she did this was because she wanted me to understand that she was showing her feelings towards me, and she knew i had problems seeing that. After that we both went abroad to different countries for a week. We didnt speak much. When we came home i sent her a text at 1am in the morning saying that i had missed her. She texted back "But still you never texted me". And i told her that she didnt do it either. And she told me that she also didnt do it because i didnt do it. Do you see the game? Well we were going abroad again, and this time i got a text from her saying " I love you, which sucks, which i maybe shouldnt have said, but i had to" then she wrote " I understand if you do not want to answer" (She said it sucked because i was going to leave for america soon which i understandable.) Of course i answered because she had opened up to me, and i was madly in love with her to. Then we didnt say much to eachother because it always seemed that there was a game going on, nobody wanted to seem needy or something so we were quite quiet with eachother. A few days later when abroad i felt like we hadnt talked in a while and i wanted to tell her that i loved her for real. I dont know the word in english but the first two messages between us were like when you have a crush and almost love someone. Well i felt more, so i told her that i LOVED her, i had to do it. She asked me how i could say such a thing in when i was going to america in 2 weeks. I didnt reply because i thought it was mean of her to say something like that when i said the most beatiful thing one can say to another and meant it with all my heart. However, she didnt think i meant it. When i came back home, there was a week until i would leave. We had a few arguments about how it scared her that i loved her because she didnt think i meant it. i tried to convince her, but she told me that i should have waited with saying that... Well, i told her that i wanted her to know that, and that saying that you are IN love with someone is also major... anyway, i asked her if we could meet. She said sure i want to, but at the same time i dont know what it is going to give if its not going to be anything between us. ( I had previously said that "i know were not gonna have a relationship, i dont want it either)" Well actually i didnt mean that but i presumed that she didnt want to have one since she told me in the beginning of our relationship that she was afraid of falling in love with me because it wouldnt work, and since were both insecure i didnt want to be the one alone wanting a long distance relationship, which is essentially what i want. So i told her that i really want to see her one last time. But we argued a lot during this week, irritating eachother, which im pretty sure was because we were going to be at different places in a few days... Well since we never met to say goodbye, i gave her a rose and wrote on it that it was wonderful meeting her, and that i wish her all the best, and that she meant so much to me. And that i hope to see her again! She called me and her tone was so nice, i could tell she became so happy. And she said that we could meet later during the day (last day) I said sure, but i knew we might not. When we talked later about meeting she sounded cold again, as if all happiness was gone again. Anyway we never met. I stopped replying her messages to me because i felt she was playing games with me that whole week to hurt me. So when i came to the US i stopped talking to her. After 10 days she started trying to contact me. I didnt answer because i felt so hurt, and i felt she was playing games and just trying to use my affection towards her. But after many tries, i wondered what she wanted so i answered. She just said hi and asked if everything was good and we talked for a minute.We both said that we had a great time and everything, however, i know that was a lie on my part because im so sad about this, but i didnt want to show that. Did she also hide something. Then it was quiet for 20 minutes and then she just sent me a smiley and said that she had to go. The day after i asked her if there was anything special she wanted to talk to me about she said "what? no?" And i told her that it was hard for me that we never said goodbye properly. She told me " Yes i thought that was a LITTLE!? sad as well. And she said that she had to sleep , and then she went to bed. Well i was so devastated because she didnt have anything to say to me. I waited 6 days until 2 days ago and she contacted me again and was really sincere, she asked me when i was coming home again. She told me interesting things about herself and that she had fallen in love with Raab himself on Viva la bam, which i personally thought was a way to get me react. Anyway it was a great conversation and i said that i had to go study because i didnt want to seem to needy or put the cards in her hand since i thought she had hurt me. I contacted her for the first time yesterday and she was nice, but a little colder this time. I mean, she never broke up with me, and she stays online all the time just when i am online, like she wants me to contact her, sometyimes she goes offline as soon as i go online and vice versa, it feels like a game. We have communication issues since our arguments. And it feels like were both holding back feeling afraid that the other one wont acknowldge them. Its hard to tell because we are both playing this hot and cold game with eachother. It has to stop because i love her, and i need to know what she wants. Obviously she cares for me since she contacts me a lot and it almost sounded to me like she wanted a long distance relationship with me in the end. But i dont know, and im afraid to because it felt like we had a neutral inofficial breakup but that we now when the poison is coming out are seeing that we miss eachother. What should i do? Should i once and for all tell her that i still have feelings for her and ask her what she really wants contacting me a lot and asking about the future?? Because it hurts. She is all i think about. I love her, but im insecure as well as her, which means we could both be playing games with eachother. Who knows....What do you think, and dont just say get over her. I could see myself being with her in two years when im home again, but i would much rather be with her long distance now.... I miss her so much!

We also imitate eachother somehow, i had a status on facebook "today is gonna be a good day" 2 days ago... Todayt she changed hers to "I have a feeling this life is gonna be a good life" Oh man, i mean it feels like a game to me...