his is a letter i emailed my ex gf. we are both with other people now but i feel stupid for writing them. was it to much? she is called M. this is the first of three emails i sent. its pretty long but would really like any opinion on it. all are welcome. please help.

second email i sent. im getting good insights from all of you. its really helping me see things in a new light. i realize how pathetic i sound in them now. love makes you do crazy things i guess. thank you


yes i would like to talk in person about us too. it is the only real way to discuss what is going on but when i was home last and saw what was happening i decided not to come back and didn't book any flights for this time out. in fact, im not sure when i will be back. that being said, im writing this letter to you because i feel that this is the last window i have to open up to you and open up for us. if i don't express this now and show how i feel i will regret it. this is a letter to show that after everything that has happened how willing i am and what i will go through to make us work. that to me this is what our love is about. fighting for it even when there is only the slightest bit of hope. after you read this if you truly want me to come home to you i will. if you really want to work us out and make the deep love between us grow again i will. I don't know why it is so easy to write the last few days. these are things i always wanted to say but where unsure of myself. some of these are vows i wrote for our wedding day but now that it could be the last time i can express them they flow from me like a river from my heart. its like some external force pushes me onward. to go deeper and reveal every part of me. to give any last feelings i have for you form and let it be known to you. this is to let you know where i stand at this juncture in our relationship.

i want you to look past your thoughts, your ego, surface emotions and feelings that are only temporary. look deep down M. feel what im saying and look into yourself. feel that true love deep down pass all the fog to what is the true light inside you. think as the years go by in your life all the way to the end. who will always be there for you? what man will always be there to protect and fight for you? to stand tall by your side with your hand in mine? to be there for you in your deepest times of need. to put my life before yours. to be the one love that through it all we can say we did it. think of the deep moments of connection we had. when we know the true heart of each others souls. where there is no ego, no thoughts, no judgements or negativity, no outside world. that place where our true love lies. that you know i am the man who's core will always love you through anything in this life. who will always know the real heart of his woman and cherish it till his end. the man who can tell our children the whole story of their mother at bed time so they can see what true love really is and that it is possible for them to have it. to have Ruby play with our new borns on the grass as we walk together. to know that no matter what happens to our physical bodies as we grow old, fat, forgetful and wrinkly that i will always see the the girl i loved and you will see in my eyes that i still do. that i will see your true self and that you will always be beautiful to me. if you know i will be that man who will love you for 10, 20, 30+ years till our end. who will grow with you. who will never cheat, hurt, yell, hit or look elsewhere for love. who will warm you in our old age. support and stay to see you through anything. to always work through anything to make us grow stronger. who will strive to understand you and give you space to be who your are. that i will always miss you and long to hold you tight in my arms again. that i will always try to make you feel love and wanted. to make you feel beautiful. this is the culmination of my love for you. search your true feelings about us Mariah and see what answer it gives you. if there is a place in your heart that says yes to us. that we really are two old souls meant to be together. look for the part of you that knows this to be true. that besides any differences between us that there is something more. something deeper that connects us to each other. that we know together we wont find it in anyone else. if this stirs something inside you and you can feel what we truly mean to each other. that is the right one and i am poised to take your hand and walk this true path together. if you know its truth and are willing to move forward with it then it is only the start of greatest thing to come. i will take you in my arms and hold you till the end.

if you don't feel this it its ok. i understand. i will always be there for you but wont push a life of us together. i will leave you in peace to be with whoever you end up with. i realize that i am at a great disadvantage because you are in a new relationship where everything seems perfect and exciting. new relationships are always like that for a time and its hard to see beyond that. but this isn't about what the last three months have been. im not going to let a three month relationship stop me from writing about 10 years of love and feelings between you and i. if you think someone else can love you this way throughout the rest of your life, and for the rest of theirs, then i am happy for it. we had a six month rough patch between us and in the end its not that long in a lifetime. we will have those cycles but im willing to listen and to stay conscious when you tell me my mind is taking over and i need to came back to you. to return to us. this is me standing in front of you willing to fight to my last breath for you and for us. to make a real conscious relationship between us. where there is pure love and trust. where i will give up all my positions and fears. kneel before you and pledge all that i am to you. but this is also me surrendering to our love. to let it go on the romantic level and let you be and live your life.

so if you truly want to talk face to face. to bare our souls, look deep into each others eyes and figure us out, to remember who we really are to each other then there is nothing that will stop me from coming home to you. if all this means nothing to you now its ok. i truly understand Mariah. pure love tried to spark between us but couldn't catch flame. i feel good knowing i said all that i have to say if this is the end. to bare my heart to you and show you where i stand. right now from right here that is all i could do. if you still want to talk as friends when i do get back whenever that is i would love to. i will understand if you don't.

love you forever M
xo
Ben