Dating someone who is grieving

[Casper.]

G'day!
A little about me - I'm 25, I've been (mostly) single for a little under three years now. I went in the army at 16, I loved the life, went to Cyprus, Belize, Afghan (briefly), and spent a lot of time in Africa. Long story short I was medically discharged a year and a half ago, which was totally devastating at the time. Anyway, I retrained and now I work at outdoor activity centre for kids and teens - so i basically get to be a big kid all the time!
Anyway that's me in a nutshell!

So I went for a big night out for a mates birthday, and I meet this girl. I'd clocked her earlier because i thought she was beautiful, and I clocked her again later because she was wasted, like completely gone, and she didn't seem to be with anyone and there were guys hanging around i didn't like the look of, out in the smoking garden they were hassling her a bit and I told them to back off, and then she was kinda sick on my shoes before telling me how her parents had been killed 3 days! prior in a car accident.

Long story short she was a hot mess, and I was honestly concerned about her, so i took her home with me (before one of these other guys did). I Had fancied her earlier, but at this point my intentions were purely genuine! (I have a twin sister, I'd hope if she was in that situation someone would do right by her!). I gave her my bed, i slept on the sofa, nothing happened!! I didnt intend for anything to ever happen.

I took her breakfast (and paracetamol ) In the morning. I thought that would pretty much be that, but we ended up chatting for hours!
[She's 22, she's half Greek, she's got an aunt/uncle/cousin all the way in Greece but no other family apart from her 11 year old sister, she works in her dads landscape garden/architecture business].

I hadn't expected it but sober, we got on so well. We clicked better than I've ever clicked with anyone!
We did obviously talk about her parents and her situation now but we also talked about everything else under the sun from hats to tectonic plates (who knew I listened in geography! ).
So we exchanged numbers, and I saw her again the next evening.....

6/7 weeks later:
Here's the thing right, I really like this girl. Like I reallyyyyy like her! I have never felt like this. For the first time in my whole life I feel like I am actually in the right place in the right time and by her side feels more like home than anywhere I've ever known.

But i don't know how to play this! I don't have a clue!!

We're not boyfriend/girlfriend. I've not had sex with her. But we kiss, we talk every day and we spend a lot of time together.

She initiates every bit as much as I do, we'll go out sometimes on date like activities or equally we'll go out just like food shopping or something. But I also spend a lot of time at hers, just cooking dinner, watching tele and chilling, I do sleep over there as well when she wants but like i say, we've never been more physically intimate than just a bit of kissing - but like im not bothered (maybe for the first time ever) Im really not bothered, im happy to wait.

I don't know what she really wants and I'm so scared to apply pressure because, how is that remotely fair when the only life shes ever known is in tatters!!
I'm scared that if i push this too hard then its just going to be some grief-fling-type-thing and burn out. But I'm scared that if I don't then I'm going to fall into like some friendzone. What do I do!!?

She asked me to go to there funeral with her, which in the end I did, which did not please her aunt one bit. The fact is that her parents were well off, they have a beautiful family home and land, and a good business. And I come from quite a different background and i know her aunt's worried that i'm like swooping in for money or something. Which I'm not! I couldn't care less, I'm falling for the girl!
But i know that she's probably planted that seed in her head, which makes it even more complicated!

I don't want to give up. I feel so strongly about this that I can't not fight for it, but I don't know how to fight for it!

[pcmaster]

Interesting. I think your attraction to her comes from dramatic way you met her and that girl is half greek so thats like exotic and more interesting at the time. Also what gives her higher value is that shes well off and that shes kinda good looking as I understand from your post. That should be reason why you falling for her that much and also you havent had sex and thats just builds up love hormones.

SO I think you should have sex with her, have some quality time together and make sure you end up in a place where you both can be alone. For example watching movies at her or your place together on sofa or on bed and then just start kissing and let everything go naturally.

In this way you wont fall in friendzone. I think its important to have intimacy but not just focus on that all the time but focus on her emotional needs aswell. Like ask how she feels and and make her feel better while kissing her tears with your lips and touching her world with your fingertips.

So yeah in short - Quality time together, emotional needs, intimacy. Think these 3 are equally important if you want to build relationship with a girl.

BTW I like your sig man, pretty good said.

[Casper.]

Interesting. I think your attraction to her comes from dramatic way you met her and that girl is half greek so thats like exotic and more interesting at the time. Also what gives her higher value is that shes well off and that shes kinda good looking as I understand from your post.

God yeah, she's a head turner, drop dead gorgeous! But I also get on with her like so well, just like how I'd get on with one of my best mates, I can just be myself, totally, and we just click, her company is just so easy to be in!

SO I think you should have sex with her, have some quality time together and make sure you end up in a place where you both can be alone. For example watching movies at her or your place together on sofa or on bed and then just start kissing and let everything go naturally.
In this way you wont fall in friendzone. I think its important to have intimacy but not just focus on that all the time but focus on her emotional needs aswell. Like ask how she feels and and make her feel better while kissing her tears with your lips and touching her world with your fingertips.

I feel like, if i went for it, if i steered us in that direction, i feel like she would go along with me, and i feel like we probably would have sex. But I so second guessing everything in this relationship because i feel like she is going through such a emotional time and that that does make her vulnerable and i dont want her to regret it, i don't want her to wake up the next day, or even a month later, and suddenly think that I took advantage of her vulnerability to push for something, do you know what i mean?

So yeah in short - Quality time together, emotional needs, intimacy. Think these 3 are equally important if you want to build relationship with a girl.

Yeah I think thats all true

BTW I like your sig man, pretty good said.

Cheers bro! Someone told me that when I was in the forces and I got it tattooed on my arm at the next opportunity so i'd never forget it!
I like your's too! You should never let the fear of failure stop you from trying, else you've failed already havent you!

[pcmaster]

I think you shouldnt second guess things cause despite that she might be vulnerable you are not using her. That is if you were you would just sleep with her at first night and then dump her. But now shes sober and you know each other well besides its not like you gona leave her right after sex. As I understand you want more with this girl.

You did right by taking this girl home with you and basicaly saved her, was like knight in shining armor. You didnt think too much and was acting intuitive, without hesitation. Think this is why you been successful with this girl so far cause you acted right away the way you felt. Also party because girl is troubled(lost her parents) you might be more attracted to her cause it makes you feel like you deserve her cause you have problems too(like all of us).

You are still pretty young and I can understand where your insecurity comes from especialy because girl is so good looking in your eyes and you want to be good to her and really see her as special and one of the kind girl. But if you dont want to fall in friendzone then being nice and friendly is not enough. Sure its good that you are nice to her and so on but it needs to be compensated with sexuality if you dont want to end up like being just friend.So I can say dont suppress your urges and make a move, just do what feels right. Be confident cause if you will think that you dont deserve her then she will think that way too eventually. Perhaps shes thinking already whats wrong with you or whats wrong with her why you dont try anything.
I think sex could really help her heal or at least new love can replace lost love from her parents. That is if you dont want to be her new dad and take care of her while ignoring your own sexuality.

I think its good that you care for her but just that alone wont cut it. It needs to be balanced and while having her in your mind you also need to take from her what you want. That is with taking what you want you would actually give her cause she probably enjoy same things as you do like being intimate and so. Girls are naturally attracted to guys who go after what they want. Its very attractive to girls. I think the ball is in your court and you its up to you to take a lead. Also ignore her relatives who think you want girl just for money cause they too will die and be forgotten. In the end no one cares about your happiness. Its all up to you.

[Hooo!]

What exactly keeps you from seducing her physically?

[Casper.]

I think you shouldnt second guess things cause despite that she might be vulnerable you are not using her. That is if you were you would just sleep with her at first night and then dump her. But now shes sober and you know each other well besides its not like you gona leave her right after sex. As I understand you want more with this girl.

Yeah yeah true, im definitely looking for more than that.

You didnt think too much and was acting intuitive, without hesitation. Think this is why you been successful with this girl so far cause you acted right away the way you felt.

Yeah you're right! You're so right!! I guess following my feelings didn't do be too bad to start with!

Also party because girl is troubled(lost her parents) you might be more attracted to her cause it makes you feel like you deserve her cause you have problems too(like all of us).

I think I'm punching. I mean my mates would tell you that I am pretty confident about my own looks haha, but I think any guy who was with her would be punching! And its not all about looks anyway. I feel more serious about her than past relationships because i feel like we do get on on a deeper level. I don't know about deserve her more but I do feel like I can relate in some small way to what shes feeling.. My dad went to jail when I was 10 for armed robbery, I havent seen him since, and up until that night he was my best mate, my hero. I only joined the army because my twin sister got pregnant at 16, and no one else was going to support her my mum was always MIA, so i signed up, i wanted to provide a better life for my nephew, but in truth signing up turned out to be my saving grace too!! I loved it! It was the family I didn't have! And when i got hurt and had to come home, the not knowing what to do next was way scarier than the prospect of war for me!
It's a complete drop in the ocean compared to what she's been through, it's nothing, nothing at all, but I can relate to the feeling that your worlds just fallen apart!

Be confident cause if you will think that you dont deserve her then she will think that way too eventually. Perhaps shes thinking already whats wrong with you or whats wrong with her why you dont try anything.

Yeah true true!! Good point man!

I think the ball is in your court and you its up to you to take a lead.

Yeah yeah! Like I would never normally wait for a girl to make the first move! I guess im just overthinking because of the circumstances.

Also ignore her relatives who think you want girl just for money cause they too will die and be forgotten. In the end no one cares about your happiness. Its all up to you.

Well her family mean a lot to her, so I do hope that one day they will see that she means a lot to me. And i know they are obviously still emotional about having lost her parents too!
But her lil sis likes me so i guess thats a win because i dont think shed pursue anything right now if lil sis wasnt on board.

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What exactly keeps you from seducing her physically?

I guess nothing really. I guess it's just my own head. She's never pushed me away or anything. We both initiate kissing, its not all me. Sometimes if shes low or upset about everything and if i misjudge slightly and go for a kiss (you know when its like borderline and you think kiss might be appropriate to cheer them up, but actually they are a bit too down and not feeling a make out?) If that happens she never pushes me away, she'll just return my kiss and then like cuddle into me instead... so its not like shes ever freaked out about being intimate.

Its just me i guess, im trying to take it slow, and its something ive never even bothered to consider in past relationships, so now im getting caught up in my head and overthinking.

[pcmaster]

So you not just connect socialy with this girl but emotionaly as well. Thats rare. Who knows maybe shes one of those very rare girls with who you can connect on all levels like on sexual level too.

[richiro]

dating anybody who is grieving or mourning is similar to the "rebound"effect. anything that happens during rebound is subject to be pulled out from under you at any time. when people are emotional, mourning a loss, they instinctively cling, reach, grab for anything that is convenient and available that they might not otherwise grab for.

so be wary of this and don't take it as anything more than this until she is OUT of grieving and mourning.
in fact your best play is to not be involved while she's in this b/c as soon as she's out of it, you're gone too (b/c you are associated with the grieving/mourning... and as soon as she wants none of it, you have to symbolically go too).

[pcmaster]

If so then Casper have to be quick to jump into opportunity while she is still grieving.

[Hooo!]

So is there a special reason for you to not already have seduced her?

[Casper.]

dating anybody who is grieving or mourning is similar to the "rebound"effect. anything that happens during rebound is subject to be pulled out from under you at any time. when people are emotional, mourning a loss, they instinctively cling, reach, grab for anything that is convenient and available that they might not otherwise grab for.

so be wary of this and don't take it as anything more than this until she is OUT of grieving and mourning.
in fact your best play is to not be involved while she's in this b/c as soon as she's out of it, you're gone too (b/c you are associated with the grieving/mourning... and as soon as she wants none of it, you have to symbolically go too).

This is a worry for me, my biggest concern but im already in deep now sooo whats a man to do, y'know?
I know shes grieving and i feel like i should be the 'responsible one' amd keep us grounded and now not let this whole thing run away with us until shes in a head space to decide its definitely what she wants BUT I'm doing a rubbish job of that because im falling so hard for the girl.

- - - Updated - - -

So you not just connect socialy with this girl but emotionaly as well. Thats rare. Who knows maybe shes one of those very rare girls with who you can connect on all levels like on sexual level too.

Right, I don't want to get ahead of myself or anything but I feel like we connect like I havent with anyone, anyone at all, ever. Like, thats big for me!

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So is there a special reason for you to not already have seduced her?

Literally..

I guess nothing really. I guess it's just my own head. She's never pushed me away or anything. We both initiate kissing, its not all me. Sometimes if shes low or upset about everything and if i misjudge slightly and go for a kiss (you know when its like borderline and you think kiss might be appropriate to cheer them up, but actually they are a bit too down and not feeling a make out?) If that happens she never pushes me away, she'll just return my kiss and then like cuddle into me instead... so its not like shes ever freaked out about being intimate.

Its just me i guess, im trying to take it slow, and its something ive never even bothered to consider in past relationships, so now im getting caught up in my head and overthinking.

That's the reason, nothing more.

(although she's been away this last week so that too haha)

[Hooo!]

This is bullshit. That's not even a reason

That's a bad justification.
I'm not asking why you didn't do it. I'm just wondering what exactly keeps you from doing it. Since you tell me nothing is keeping you and you also tell me that you have no not done it, the only explanation is ( if both is true) that you either don't know how or you don't want it.

[pcmaster]

Think problem is that you like this girl too much and putting her on a pedestal. Much better would be if you just treat her like any other girl, like just a girl cause thats who she are. Its a mistake to think that girl is special. Just wont get you anywhere.

[Casper.]

Think problem is that you like this girl too much and putting her on a pedestal. Much better would be if you just treat her like any other girl, like just a girl cause thats who she are. Its a mistake to think that girl is special. Just wont get you anywhere.

Yeah you're right, you're totally right - The fact is that I've never felt this way and you're right, thats probably whats screwing my head more than anything to do with her or the situation she's in. I've never struggled with girls or relationships, its always come easy and I've never been that invested and I havent always been the best guy to those girls, definitely not the kinda guy that I'd want for like my sister or that. I always kept it light & fun, and not to serious, but i've always felt like that when that girl comes along and it feels right that I could be a good partner, good husband, good dad, like better than my dad, better than the men my mum dated. And obviously like meeting this girl i feel like a connection that i've never felt as corney as that sounds and I want to give the best version of me and thats what she deserves..........but i think maybe thats why im overthinking and getting all up in my head.. I should just let it flow more, like i've always done in the past.
She likes me after all so I should just be me!

She gets back tomorrow so im excited for that!

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I'm not asking why you didn't do it. I'm just wondering what exactly keeps you from doing it.

Whats the difference?

that you either don't know how or you don't want it.

I've covered the 'how' plenty of times before, and i certainly want to but I dont want sex and and a fizzled out relationship, i want this to have a shot at long term

[pcmaster]

"like better than my dad, better than the men my mum dated. And obviously like meeting this girl i feel like a connection that i've never felt as corney as that sounds and I want to give the best version of me and thats what she deserves........."

Thats a very destructing mindset. You aim for perfection, want to give it your best and thats what paralyzes you, makes you invested, makes you crazy and obsessed. As more you try as less results it gives, cause trying too hard gives oposite effect.

Maybe instead of trying to give her what you want and thinking you doing something for her this way and falling more in love because of that. Maybe instead of all this ask her what she wants. You want to make sure you both speak the same love languages. You might give her love the way you recieve it but not the way she recieves it.
For example guy might work many hours at work and give his girl expensive gifts thinking hes doing best for her he can. While girl at the same time complains to her friends that hes never home, always tired and dont give her enough attention.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FM7MFYoylVs