I was so desperate for her love - Finally got a big wake up call...

[soulsurvivor23]

I've posted my story on here more than a few times. But I will try my best to briefly summarize it again and add on what happened recently:

I met a girl in November of 08 and we became friends. Then our feelings (or at least mine) developed into more than that. So about 4 or 5 months after we had met we exchanged "I love you's" We kissed, we held hands, we talked on the phone every night.. Though we weren't officially dating, yet. Then I planned out this really special day for her, the day I was gonna ask her to make things official between us. So the time came, we spent the day together and then I asked her. She started crying and saying she wish she could but that she just got back with her ex bf (who she had never told me about) 2 days prior. Heartbroken, rejected, unbelievably sad, I chose to just part ways.

Then she started calling me up telling me she loves me more than him, telling me that eventually things will be over between the two of them. So, next thing you know, against my better judgement (and against the advice of my friends) I went back with her. Her bf was in the picture but not really because he lived about 4 hours away from her and i'd never seen or heard him. So over that whole year of 2009 we got really incredibly close. We had many dates, I met her family, etc etc etc.... But she still clung to the long distance bf who she insisted that she was gonna break up with.

Eventually I had enough of being the backup guy.... So I did something irrational, and illogical. I bought a wedding ring for her. I didn't really want to be married right then and I didn't use it to propose. I bought it to show her how serious I was about her and hoped it would help influence her to finally drop the other guy. So, I showed it to her, and she took it. I didn't propose I just showed her. She took it from me and said it made her feel special and she put it on. Wore it for about a week... After that week had passed i'm like, you're wearing my wedding ring, do you realize what it's supposed to symbolize? She's like, I love it, I treasure it. So my next question was, do you love me? *Silence* "Of course I do, as a good friend, a best friend"

And that's when it all FINALLY clicked for me. I had heard and seen and been warned so many times, but that was the moment it clicked. She was WEARING my wedding ring that I bought her, and telling me that i'm her friend. That's when it really clicked that what she "loved" was the attention I gave her, the way I treated her like a queen, the way she knew I would do anything for her including sacrificing my very life, and the way she knew she could get all of that from me, without really being my gf. She loved having all of that stuff from a "friend" while her bf isn't around, and then be able to call him at night and tell him that she loves him and he's the only one for her.

So when that lightbulb finally went off in my head, I immediately told her to give me back the ring and that I deserve better and I wished her the best (as hard as that was to do).. I've tried to do it before, i've said i'm doing it before, but this is the first time I didn't tell her what she's losing out on, I didn't give her any ultimatum, I didn't do any of that, I just left. For good.

It's only been a week since I last talked to her, but this is the first solid week that i've just simply not talked to her and haven't regressed or relapsed. I still think of her constantly, I still think about what we could of had, but I also know that it was never gonna happen and I was fooling myself to think it ever would. So right now i'm just feeling really down and depressed but i'm trying my best to hold out hope that brighter days are ahead.

[cmacattack1]

You got alot of lessons from this experience, wouldn't you agree?

-If they are with somebody else, but telling you that the other person doesn't matter, what does that say about them and how they treat people? They aren't confident and secure enough to end one before they get involved with another.

-Don't be that cushion, that fall back guy for them. Nobody is ever really in love with their cushion. You break their fall, and they appreciate it (sometimes they don't) but as soon as they dust themselves off, they don't really care about you anymore.

-There isn't anything you can do to change their mind or change how they feel. You got a wedding ring because you wanted to show her how much you cared and how serious you were. But if they didn't take you serious before, and you have to prove it to them, they won't take you serious after. You don't need to prove anything to anyone.

If that's how you felt, you've expressed it, and they don't feel the same way, that's it. I think you can tell if the other person is more or less on the same level as you are, although emotions can blind us. There had to have been many instances over 2009 that told you otherwise.

[soulsurvivor23]

If that's how you felt, you've expressed it, and they don't feel the same way, that's it. I think you can tell if the other person is more or less on the same level as you are, although emotions can blind us. There had to have been many instances over 2009 that told you otherwise.

Agree with the majority of what you just said. However the one part I want to clear up is that I expressed how I felt and many many times she said she feels the same way. In fact, she's the one who said "I love you" first before I said it. And she said it to me almost every night and every morning for about 8 months. So even though I ignored the signs, it was in part due to her words and some of her actions why I was strung along for that long.

[cmacattack1]

They get a little carried away with their words and then when they change their mind and don't feel that way anymore, we always try to hold them to those words. I remember when my ex dumped me, I said to her "but two weeks ago you said you loved me and wanted to marry me". It's immaturity and dishonesty on their part. They want to keep you strung along until their feelings are gone. Not all are like this, but for the most part they are.

You have to really pay attention to how they act.

[soulsurvivor23]

You're exactly right. I myself tried that same thing. I said to her "but you told me you loved me and wanted to be with me just a couple weeks ago" and it didn't matter to her. So yeah, I did allow myself to be fooled in that way. I will take some responsibility though for letting love blind me to the reality of the situation. And even though i'm really hurting right now I finally feel good about myself for walking away.

[cmacattack1]

I think taking the good from this is the best thing and healthiest thing you can do. Do you feel like she's left a strong impression on your life? Like what has happened between you two really has helped you rearrange your priorities and focus? Because those people are few and far between and it's great to have that in your life even if it doesn't work out how you wanted.

My ex treated me like straight dirt when she dumped me. Yet I still love her and want to thank her for everything my experience with her has taught me about myself, her, relationships in general.

[soulsurvivor23]

I'm pretty upset that I typed out this big response and then when I logged in it didn't save.... So for the short version, I basically said that I learned some things.

1. Actions speak louder than words. If she really wanted to be with me she wouldn't just say it, she would do it.

2. Never invest into a girl (physically, mentally, emotionally) unless she is prepared to do the same.

3. Girls use the term love a lot more easily and differently than a guy would. I wouldn't tell a girl I love her unless I feel really strongly about her romantically, it's not something I take lightly. Whereas a girl will throw that word around dependent on her emotional state or to get something that she wants.

4. I'm now rediscovering myself as an individual. For the past year and change, "happiness" was defined by her. It made me happy to do things for her, get things for her, be there for her... But when I think back, that was the definition of my happiness. I dedicated that whole year to her and I literally didn't do anything for myself. Honestly, it's unbelievable.. And it's something that cannot happen again. Even in a mutually loving relationship, you've still gotta be you. Once you lose that sense of self, you are really setting yourself up for disaster.

[lovesjoyajm]

3. Girls use the term love a lot more easily and differently than a guy would. I wouldn't tell a girl I love her unless I feel really strongly about her romantically, it's not something I take lightly. Whereas a girl will throw that word around dependent on her emotional state or to get something that she wants.

This is not always the case, just to throw my two cents in there. Of course every girl is different, but I don't think I'm in the minority when I say that I don't toss those words around lightly, and there are boys that do.

[soulsurvivor23]

This is not always the case, just to throw my two cents in there. Of course every girl is different, but I don't think I'm in the minority when I say that I don't toss those words around lightly, and there are boys that do.

Well what I meant by that is not that a girl will just say it to any guy. BUT, in general I feel like a girl has a more broad sense of the term if that makes sense.

[IndiReloaded]

That's when it really clicked that what she "loved" was the attention I gave her, the way I treated her like a queen, the way she knew I would do anything for her including sacrificing my very life, and the way she knew she could get all of that from me, without really being my gf. She loved having all of that stuff from a "friend" while her bf isn't around, and then be able to call him at night and tell him that she loves him and he's the only one for her.

Ding, ding, ding!! We have a winner!

Now, the trick is to not let this make you bitter. Its common female behaviour at this age. Roll with it.

[soulsurvivor23]

Ding, ding, ding!! We have a winner!

Now, the trick is to not let this make you bitter. Its common female behaviour at this age. Roll with it.

I can't really say that i'm not bitter about it. I'm very bitter. I'll be damned if I ever find myself in that situation again.

[IndiReloaded]

Well from where I sit, you were a White Knight who finally decided to get off his charger. With some help from her. She didn't force you to this behaviour, you chose your actions of your own free will. No doubt, with the hope of getting some ass in the long run. Right?

So, if you are bitter b/c you are somewhat angry at yourself, then I'd say fine. But if you are bitter towards females for being who they are, that is something you might want to think hard about. Ultimately, the signs were there and you made your choices in this eyes-wide-shut. It didn't work out the way you hoped, so dust yourself off and start again. Smarter and wiser this time.

[soulsurvivor23]

She played me, plain and simple. I don't know what you're trying to say but quite honestly I got played.

[IndiReloaded]

I'm saying that you are trying to pin everything that happened on her, and you are ignoring your responsibility in this.

Then she started calling me up telling me she loves me more than him, telling me that eventually things will be over between the two of them. So, next thing you know, against my better judgement (and against the advice of my friends) I went back with her.

You made choices knowing fully that things weren't kosher. You got played b/c you let her play you. Especially once you knew she got back with her ex. Who, I suspect, she was probably with the whole time. Note I am not saying her behaviour was okay. But, if you willingly walk into a lions den, you are a bit stupid to think you won't get eaten or at least severely damaged.

But, its common for someone to want to blame events entirely on the other party. This means you didn't do anything wrong and therefore don't need to change anything in your thinking. Ego. Watch out. It will get you into trouble again if you don't figure this.

[soulsurvivor23]

I in no way shape or form have said that I bare no responsibility in the matter at all. I guess you missed the part where I said:

"So yeah, I did allow myself to be fooled in that way. I will take some responsibility though for letting love blind me to the reality of the situation."

in post #5.........