crush strains relationship.. feelings not returned to normal

[heynonnynon]

ok. the title says it all..
its my gf whos experiencing the symptoms..
so.. our relationship up until this point has had its fair share of roadblocks.. i've had a longstanding heartbreak i was still holding onto, another short relationship previous to my present gf that was my attempt at being effusive and open which ended brutally.. haha
my gfs ex bf was my friend and was a constant pain at first.. and i refrained from making any romantic moves to satiate his jealousy and paranoia.. and when he gave me the green light he stopped talking to me essentially... so our relationship was very open for the first while.. i didnt want to get too attached because i was still very hurt inside and afraid to be effusive but was slowly letting go of everything.. then my gf slept with someone right around a point where i told her that she felt like she was becoming my gf.. a very obvious nod towards a deeper sense of committment. anyways.. a little context, lots of things to get in the way.. none of which stopped us from loving each other and continuing to grow. so now.. about 3-4 weeks ago, while consolling a friend.. she all of a sudden developed a deep crush on him. i picked up on the vibes although i thought i was just being neurotic and confronted her about it.. she told me it was true (we have a very honest and open communication) and then that night my body and mind all at once decided to 'open up' as some sort of survival mechanism i suppose. so then i let the love flow out.. mr super effusive.. haha. this in turn was received well in certain ways.. but then overwhelmed her because this wasnt the man she was used to.. she was used to mr sensitive but stoic man. so then her feelings returned to normal for her friend but since her feelings for me have been imbalanced.. she goes from loving me as she has to being completely emotionally neutral and distant. and she tends to be a bit neurotic and in her own head.. so i think shes exaggerating the severity of such an experience (*this crush) because as far as i can see crushes are pretty normal during the course of any relationship or marriage. and eventually things return to normal.. i've had this happen many many times. anyways.. were still at a bit of a stalemate. things will be really good and then strange.

anyone had experiences similar to this?
whadya think?

[shh!]

Am I understanding this correctly? Your girlfriend used to date your friend, but moved on to you, and is now having problems being faithful?

[heynonnynon]

no no
sorry if that seems confusing.. maybe the context isnt clear. my gf has never dated our 'friend'.. they're just friends. she has never been unfaithful.. just her feelings that went for a spike and then as i said returned to normal

[shh!]

So you are wondering if it is normal to get crushes on other people when you are in a relationship?

If so, I say yes, but not usually in the first year or so.

[shh!]

Another thought - you mentioned twice about your being "effusive". I'm not sure what exactly you mean, but if you are saying that you are behaving in an overly-emotional way, I suggest you get a hold of yourself. Many women like their men to be rocks in order to balance their emotional natures.

[heynonnynon]

ok
i think its perfectly normal for people to have crushes.. its been over a year since we've been dating.. i think its perfectly normal for her to be feeling these feelings. i think part of the reason she may have developed this crush is because i wasnt totally emotionally available because of some of the aformentioned context of our relationship and our own personal lives.
i agree that being balanced is important in respect to emotions.. but i was too withdrawn.. once again because of the aformentioned context. so in the last little while i've been effusive because it was a big release of things i had held inside of myself for a long time. i tend to be an 'emotional' person.. not out of control but i am intrinsically a very emotional and sensitive man.
what i'm interested in getting opinions on is the present situation.. the balancing of her emotions. i can tell that her love for me is still there but its very cloudy and distant because of all of these experiences. i imagine that my effusiveness isnt helping her.

[Cain]

Maybe I'm weird, but I don't think it's normal to have a crush on someone else while you're in a relationship. I encounter a good amount of women quite often and I never develop crushes on them.

[heynonnynon]

most people i know have had crushes at some point and will agree to it being a normal thing. the severity of the crush varies always

[Cain]

Maybe you need to define what you think a crush is... because I view it as someone you have emotional feelings for which isn't what you're supposed to have when you're in a relationship.

[heynonnynon]

i think its perfectly normal to have feelings for other people while you're in a relationship. you cant isoloate love or lust... they both have their own intelligence and movement. as much as their are unspoken rules, which are a product of intellect, as to conduct in relationships.. you cant help feeling things. it doesnt mean you have to gratify them but to be honest about them is necessary.. anyways!
my intention isnt to resolve peoples ideas of whether crushes are ethical or not.. or 'natural'. i'm wondering if anyone has been in a similar circumstance to mine.. i'm looking more at how to resolve the present conflict than having a debate on the issues that are not parent/crucial to it..
heres my own revelation today.. and i appreciate shhh's insight..
my own emotional upheaval and effusiveness spiked but now seems to be balancing a bit.. i think that i need to respect the 'real me' that has been revealed but this love can also be focused into other aspects of my life. so i give a little and then pull back.. but pull back without retreating into some illusory sense of security or armouring. its funny when i think of it.. because as soon as she became distant yesterday and i started to pull back and become a little more shy and reserved.. she would start to smile and come out of her shell! so i suppose i shouldnt overwhelm her at all.. i need to let her come to her own feelings without giving her to much of mine.. but like i said, while still respecting my effusive or loving side..

[shh!]

You seem to be going to great lengths to intellectualize this whole scenario... in a way, it sort of seems to create a distancing from this situation, at least that's the way I am reading it. Do you see this?

Anyway, yes - I think many people in longer-term relationships go through this at some point. I don't know that there is much you can do about it; so much of this depends on your girlfriend's strength of character. I'd be careful about the emotional reactions... I am glad you are trying to keep them balanced.

[heynonnynon]

in order to communicate the subtleties of how this is being worked through i need to intellectualize it..

[Cain]

Lust happens. I agree with that. We all lust whether we're in a relationship or not, but to think that it's ok for your gf to love another guy (if the crush ever developed into that), then be prepared for her to eventually leave you. If she loved you, she wouldn't fall in love with another guy.