Part 2 - The Biggest Brain F**K Ever Even More Confused ..

[Supernova]

Hi everyone, I have started a new thread from my other "He does not know what he wants yet loves me?". The advice was good for that stage of the situation. I was strong and looking forward. A new development has happened and I need to discuss it. The advice I got was NC move on etc. At first my replies to his texts where very polite, nothing about our relationship etc. He would text every two days or so and say love you, miss you, thinking about you etc etc. (text because we do not live in the same town, he was meant to be moving here). Ok development - my heart is still hurting and I was over how he acted liked nothing was happening when he spoke to me (I would never bring it up NEVER), but today I had had enough, if I was to move on he either stopped texting and talking to me or be a man and break it off (or I break it off). So today we spoke ....... (after a week). The gist of the conversation was this (shortened of course).

He was ill (flu), had been to his mom's for a visit (another story right guys!) and I was nice and he said how he had been invited to Superbowl party but was sick. He then said to me "yeah and there were strippers there and all" I said to him I was going because I did not want to hear this crap. He then told me they were his buddy's friends (yes his buddy does hang out with strippers he used to DJ for them). I then proceeded to tell him to date them and then they can move on real quick to another guy who gives them more. He agreed to that and said he was only joking he is not into strippers. At this stage I was not happy. Then he turned around said look I told you I do not know what I want anymore, I may want more than one woman I do not know what I want anymore in life. He brought it up not me! Again i was pissed and said, look if you want to end it with me do it. He then said "It seems you want to break up maybe its what "we" should do. I said to him do not put words in my mouth. He then proceeded to say everytime we talk I bring it up, which is bullshit and I told him I had not brought it up in three weeks! I said you cannot keep me hanging on like this, he then said I was pushing him and it was pushing him away (what bullshit today was the first time it all came out). He said he was miserable and did not know what he wanted out of life anymore and that he was not ready to settle down it may be another 10 to 15 years he needs to sort himself out. OMG what a jerk! he then said I will text you tomorrow, I am sick with the flu, we will discuss this then. Love you. (love you??????????????????)
I wanted to say look go your own way but I did not have the opportunity, he will not call it off, all I did was say do not hurt me with the "oither women comments". I am so confused. He was the one who wanted to marry me he pursued this. I thought I was getting over him, but the wound is raw again, all I wanted was ****ing closure!
So what do you think? I was going to write a letter to him wishing him the best and go and sort himself out etc etc and tell him the stupid dumbass things he did when we were together 3 weeks ago, (the alcohol abuse is out of hand he needs to know). This man is smart he worked for Nasa as an engineer then left and got a business, but lost the business his house andeverything, yet I still loved him because it was real.
Ugghhhhh, the pain is unbearable. Want advice on this update, where is his head at? what do i do?

[chrisy]

Why are you waiting on him to end it? His actions clearly indicate that he does not want to be in a romantic relationship with you.

[hoggy522]

Sounds to me like he doesnt know what he wants and he's stringing you along, from what you've said its like he doesnt want you to move on and find someone else, and maybe thats why he rings you every now and then to make sure you havent moved on before him.
You obviously cannot go on like this, he is playing with your emotions (a trick i know too well about), you need to give it to him straight and lay down the law sort of speak and just say 'Im not been stringed along and waiting for you to make up your mind, i need to move on and i need to hear your final answer about us'
I dont get why the guy is still saying 'love you' - i feel that is wrong to say if you are not in a relationship with him anymore. Just demand to know if this is it for both of you then you can move on properly, i hate it when the dumpers think they have the right to keep you wondering if theres still a chance with how they act towards you.

Whatever you decide to do i wish you luck!!!

[Gigabitch]

He's manipulating the situation to keep control of it. You're making this too easy for him. What he really deserves is for you to become clearly disgusted with him and dump his ass. Don't make a ceremony of it, act like he simply bored you and you went out to find someone else.

He doesn't care about losing you. He cares about losing face. HE wants to be the one calling the shots. Take the lead and tell him to go **** himself, not like you're all heartbroken but like you're annoyed by his childish antics. Tell him you want a meal, not a snack.

[Roymax]

He then said to me "yeah and there were strippers there and all"

He knowingly says this while you are hurting...that was very disrespectful. There's a time and a place to joke but this wasn't it.

I said to him I was going because I did not want to hear this crap.

If you don't to hear anymore of this crap you have to eventually draw the line at some point or he'll keep saying things like this to you. Do you really want to hear more of it? When someone really loves you they
don't make jokes to hurt you.

He then told me they were his buddy's friends (yes his buddy does hang out with strippers he used to DJ for them).

Red Flag>>>hint...he's testing you to see if you'll accept this new lifestyle he has in mind. Unless you want an open relationship with him you better run while you can. I'm sorry but something
doesn't look right when someone starts talking this way. This is not the guy you fell in love with unless you've compromised your standards. Don't..you're better than that.

I then proceeded to tell him to date them and then they can move on real quick to another guy who gives them more. He agreed to that

Red Flag>>>hint...well, at least he was honest to confirm this. He's still fishing to see how receptive you are to this potential lifestyle. Little jokes here and there..you know..hints. Don't..you're better than that.

and said he was only joking he is not into strippers.

Yeah right!!!

At this stage I was not happy.

and you shouldn't be...if he really really loved you he would not be saying these hurtful things to you. Only a fool would do this. I sure the hell wouldn't

Then he turned around said look I told you I do not know what I want anymore, I may want more than one woman I do not know what I want anymore in life.

Red Flag >> He suggested that you may not be enough for him that he need's another woman...you really want to wait around for that? What's to say he isn't seeing someone behind your back right now.

I said you cannot keep me hanging on like this, he then said I was pushing him and it was pushing him away (what bullshit today was the first time it all came out). He said he was miserable and did not know what he wanted out of life anymore and that he was not ready to settle down it may be another 10 to 15 years he needs to sort himself out.

If he isn't sure about himself then he isn't sure about you. You could be waiting for him while he is seeing other women behind your back..who knows but do you want to find the hard way?

OMG what a jerk!

That the kind of quality you still want to hang on to though? You can't change him or only he can do that himself

Love you. (love you??????????????????)

So far his actions don't show it....anyone can say I love you but what good is it if they aren't proving it. Those words were meaningless based on his hurtful actions towards you.

I wanted to say look go your own way but I did not have the opportunity, he will not call it off, all I did was say do not hurt me with the "oither women comments".

You did have the opportunity...he may not want to because he is very selfish and wants you to have an open relationship with him. He has already shown how he doesn't care about your feelings on this.

I am so confused.

There should be no confusion since you know where he stands now based on what he's telling you. If he isn't sure about himself then he won't be sure about you.

yet I still loved him because it was real

it was... but he isn't the same man you fell in love anymore. He is an alcoholic who suggested being with other women and was testing you all along. You don't need to wait around thinking there's hope only to find more disappointment do you?

Believe me I know how you're feeling right now...I still miss the woman I fell in love once but she is a completely different person today. Unfortunately, I've wasted all these years for nothing while waiting. I'm close to your age and can relate to what you are looking for. It's really frustrating I know. He is not the same person anymore and it's hard for you to accept this. I've had a hard time accepting the way my ex changed too. What ever you do don't wait around for him to change because you could be waisting a lot of time just the way I did. Only he can change to the person you fell in love with not you.

[cmacattack1]

Way to break it down Roymax and Giga.

[Roymax]

Thanks CMA, I just don't want to see our friend here continue to get hurt by this guy. However, since from the beginning she had seem to make an effort to see the bigger picture of what is going on.

Supernova, we are here for you...hang in there

[Supernova]

[B]r
What ever you do don't wait around for him to change because you could be waisting a lot of time just the way I did. Only he can change to the person you fell in love with not you.

Thats it in a nutshell. Its so easy for anyone (myself included) to read the posts and think, what a looser, are they so weak they cannot walk away. But until it happens to you and UNTIL you can take the emotion out of it and see it for what it is... its hard.

Thank you this comment hit home. its up to him. The person I fell in love with is dead. Simple.

[Supernova]

He's manipulating the situation to keep control of it. You're making this too easy for him. What he really deserves is for you to become clearly disgusted with him and dump his ass. Don't make a ceremony of it, act like he simply bored you and you went out to find someone else.

He doesn't care about losing you. He cares about losing face. HE wants to be the one calling the shots. Take the lead and tell him to go **** himself, not like you're all heartbroken but like you're annoyed by his childish antics. Tell him you want a meal, not a snack.

i have read everything you guys have tried to drum in my stupid head over and over again. Like I said toRoymax, I needed to take the emotion out, and I have. He is an absolute asshole to me when we spoke, NOT the man I fell in love with, or the persona I fell in love with. Its either his true colors coming out or something, but he is dead to me. I mourn the man I loved note LOVED. This guy is a jerk. It could take years for a man to give up the booze or he may just stay the way he is, either way it is NOT what I want. I will Take the lead and IF I ever talk to him I will tell him to **** himself (heck he may end up doing that even better). Responding to him only hurts me more. All the ground I made by no contact was gone in one day by talking to him. HE got all cocky. Well today he was supposed to talk to me about "us" it never happened all I got from him was a raised voice that he was busy at work (he is working for the guy who bought his business). I stupidy said ok love you, but I said love you out of habit and I could have kicked myself and he said "no you do not" whatever! then he got mad and said he did not want to talk about us and hung up. WOW that was the last straw, **** him **** him to hell. I say. Its over. I could not give a rats ass in talking to him.
Damage is done. This poisoness snake will meet my shovel.
I think I am angry. I need to sleep.!

[Supernova]

Further to my two replies above Gigabitch Roymax and Cmacattack1 have all been great and help me so much. I will heed your advice i will not submit myself to this abuse any longer. I still pray one day he wakes me and changes, the damage has been done with me but as a person i hope he recovers.

Now to add insult to inury and only has a post note.......... I am good friends with a girl he knows (his mother knows too), he stopped talking to her when I got with him, which was dumb, but I became friends with her. Now he insisted I not go on facebook and he deleted his account (JERK), I did not use mine anyway, and had already deleted mine, (as if I would delete it because he told me too, this was the beginning of the end). She and I have exchanged emails all along. She emails me today to say, hate to tell you this but "he" has he facebook up again and added her. She did not know what he did it. Funny though, it was all public, his status said in arelationship (but that isf rom his old account I am sure) but the girl on his facebook (other than our mutual friend) is now divorced, and he is all flirty flirty..... See you guys are right, he was hanging on to me and chasing other women. Oh well he sucks. Guess what, I made an account again and she added me (our mutual friend) and mine is private, he will be pissed. But who cares? i can talk to my friend. Its VERY HARD that he is on there, and I looked once. He is an ass, all the pics I TOOK on our holiday of him surfing and looking hot is on there. None of me (I did not expect it). But it hurts. But I will not dump my friend because I like her, and she is on my side, and wondering why he added her..... another way to keep tabs on me and so what I am saying I am sure. I hate facebook I hate it...... makes a break up all the more harder.

[Roymax]

Thats it in a nutshell. Its so easy for anyone (myself included) to read the posts and think, what a looser, are they so weak they cannot walk away. But until it happens to you and UNTIL you can take the emotion out of it and see it for what it is... its hard.

Thank you this comment hit home. its up to him. The person I fell in love with is dead. Simple.

Exactly right, it's not going to be easy to switch those emotions off but in time your heart will heal. Yes, the person I fell in love with is also dead too. I miss her but she is no longer that person anymore.