Confused and frustrated...

[clever_name]

Here's my situation: Been dating this girl for almost 2 years, and recently, out of nowhere, she tells me she cannot be with me anymore, that the fact that we are of different religious backgrounds makes it a fact that the relationship will fail. Basically we are breaking up because we are different religions, although for the past 2 years we've been involved it hasn't been a source of conflict. We have not had a single argument about the differences in our religions, mainly(in my opinion), because our core beliefs and values are so similar(which in my opinion is what really matters in a relationship).

So basically, we had had some rough patches here and there the past few months. Mainly just finding time to spend together was getting to be a problem as our schedules never seemed to be in sync this past semester during the fall. When she had tests I was free when I had tests she was free, and we are both the type of people that pretty much hole up in the library until tests are over. So it became frustrating to both of us and we sometimes got frustrated with each other.

A few weeks before the end of the semester we got to talking about what will happen next year, we are both in college but I'm a semester/year ahead of her. We both have plans for grad/professional school after, which means we will probably be 2-3 hours away from each other next year which would suck. I asked her if she wanted to break-up or end our relationship now and she said definitely know, but we both knew things would need to change and we were both heavily leaning toward keeping up our relationship but keeping it more open. However, she goes home for the Thanksgiving break and comes back and then tells me she needs to end it because of our different religious backgrounds.

Here's where I get confused: She tells me she wants to ultimately end up with someone who goes to Church with her every Sunday, takes part in Bible study, etc, she's telling me how important those things are to her in a relationship. HOWEVER, in the time I've known her(not just dating but as friends for a couple of years before we got involved), she's not been in a Bible study and she only attends church when she goes home for the weekend. My confusion comes from the fact that she didn't/doesn't attend church every Sunday as it is nor was/is she involved in a Bible Study group of any kind, before we started dating and while we were dating.

I feel like if it were that important to her, then she'd be going to Church every Sunday, she'd be in a Bible study. I asked her as much when we first started dating and she told me that she was in a Christian group/Bible study group but didn't like it because the people in it were always so happy and never got angry or sad or any other emotion. She went to the church most of the other students go to but felt it had a more socializing feel to it than church. However, its a big university and a big city, I keep thinking if its that important wouldn't she look into finding another Church(I know she may not want to go alone, but I'm sure there are other students that go to different churches), if being in a Bible study were that important wouldn't she find another group to join, or maybe even start her own Bible study group? It just seems that if it were that important to her she'd exhaust every option.

So now I'm extremely confused. I feel like something else is going on as our different religions have never been a source of conflict, in fact I think its been something thats brought us closer together as experiencing different aspects of each other's religion has helped us understand each other(she's Christian I'm Hindu).

I think something happened with her parents. They always seemed fine with me, her mom liked me, and her dad didn't seem to have a problem with me(although like any dad he's always going to be leery of any guy his daughter, especially his first born, is dating). Maybe they told her how they don't really like the fact that I'm of a different religion, even though they do like me as a person. Maybe they told her that they didn't want her ending up with someone of a different religion. I don't know but it seems like something happened over the break and she isn't telling me.

Another thing that keeps nagging me that I might be reading into too much is when she told me that her views on this would never change only to follow that up with telling me that maybe in the future when we are done with school and if our paths cross, and we are both single and available, we can see if there are any feelings/spark/whatever still there. At the time I was asking myself "Did she get that from a fortune cookie?" But as I keep thinking about everything that happened I feel like she's basically saying: If our paths cross when I am not being supported by my parents, we can see where we stand and if there is are feelings/a spark/whatever still left between us.

Its funny because I honestly cannot say with 100% certainty that I will marry this girl, only because I am gonna be gone next year and I have no idea what the future holds. I do know that right now we are in love, and I want to be with the person I love right now. Life is too short to live with regrets and not follow your heart because you are scared of the future. I don't want to look back and realize I let the girl of my dreams walk out of my life without even fighting for her.

I really just want a clear answer from her, and I don't really feel like I've gotten that. She keeps saying she wants to be friends still and blah blah blah, but I don't think I can be a true friend to her unless I get a clear, direct, unambiguous reason or she at least tells me what exactly happened to cause this. If its her family, I can understand that, and I'm not gonna cause her the enormous stress of putting her at odds with her parents and I will back off and we can remain friends(it will suck but she's my best friend and I'd hate to lose her). If its something I did, I want to know so I can change and avoid the same mistake in any future relationships I have. I just am confused and frustrated because the reasons she gave me haven't seemed important to her for the 4+ years I've known her.

I know its a long first post but I'm confused, frustrated and just wanted to get this out there. sigh...relationships suck maybe an arranged marriage is the way to go

[vashti]

You don't say how old you are, so I am going to assume you are relatively young.

Young people typically rebel during their teenage years against everything they were raised with, including religion, but if they were raised in a home where religion was important, they usually have some deep-seated connection to it, and wish to pass the connection to their own children. This is why religion IS important. Couples tend to do better when they share religious views, regardless of what those views are, when it comes time to have children.

Additionally, churches are not merely a place to pray - they are also social communities where people go for support, counseling, friendships, religious education, etc. In other words, it becomes a way of life. This is another reason religious commonality is important. As a Jew, I wouldn't feel comfortable making the church a way of life for me, and I absolutely wouldn't want it for my children, nor would I expect a Christian to feel any differently if the shoe were on the other foot.

I'm not sure what religions you are, but the only way I see differences being less important is if you are talking about different denominations of the same religion. For example, if you were Episcopalian and she was Methodist, or if you were a Reform Jew and she were Conservative, there is enough similarity that compromises could be worked out. Entirely different religions are another story, in my opinion. It is hard to negotiate an absolute belief in Jesus with disbelief.

For the record, I don't have a problem with interfaith dating, but for people who are planning to marry and have children - that it when your religious differences become problematic.

[clever_name]

Well, in my opinion, differences in religious views doesn't necessarily equal differences in life/moral views.

Also, it seems that it would depend how religious the person is. Someone who is more laid back in their practice probably would be able to be with another person of a different religion who is laid back. People who are very religious and it is a deep part of who they are, probably won't have much success in interfaith dating.

My problem comes in that: if she were already going to Church every Sunday, was in Bible study, was part of religious groups, whatever it may be, and that was causing a lot of conflict between us, then yeah it probably wouldn't work out in the long run and it'd be best to end it now, and go back to being friends. When she says this stuff is very important to her but she isn't/doesn't go to Church every sunday, involved in religious groups, in a Bible study it makes it seem as if something else is going on. Also the fact that after telling me adamantly she didn't want to break up, she goes home for a week and it is over seems to also convey a message of something else, other than religion, being a problem.

[Gigabitch]

She's about to graduate college and is looking at a more 'grown-up" phase of her life. It sounds like you were fun (at least until you hit those rough patches), but she didn't take your relationship seriously. It was a "just for now" thing. She can see the end of "now" coming up soon and she's looking at a big transition. Ditching you is only part of it, I suspect.

Ask her when she imagined she'd be getting married. I'll bet it's sometime in the next few years. You might be boyfriend material, but you're not husband material (to her, anyway. To me, you sound perfectly good).

What can you do about this? Not much. I think the best course of action is to let her go now, while she's still relatively close. Let her miss you. Let her friends tell her she's an ass for letting you go.

If it turns out that the church thing really is a dealbreaker for her, I'm sorry, but it's better to know now, right?

[Lite]

Look, you could be the most amazing canary ever to exist on the planet, but if she absolutely cannot stand the color yellow you're still screwed.

Religious compatibility is very important to some people, and in her case maybe even more so for someone her parents would accept as a mate. Which, if that is important to her then there's nothing you can do. You are who you are, she is who she is, and she has a perceived set of ideals for a long-term mate that you do not match.

Is she wrong that a relationship couldn't work? Possibly. Is it your job to change her mind and show her the error of her thinking? Nope. That's her job. It's her life, her relationship requirements, and her perceived needs that she's meeting.

[vashti]

Well, in my opinion, differences in religious views doesn't necessarily equal differences in life/moral views.

It's not about differences in morals. All religions advocate moral values. It's more about religious expression.

Anyway, as Lite pointed out, it doesn't really matter what you think about it (not to sound unkind). She gets to decide for herself what characteristics are important for a husband, just as you get to decide what characteristics are important in a wife.

[clever_name]

The thing about when she wants to get married is, we are both in the same boat. We are both going to be going to some sort of grad school, and we both don't plan on getting married until we are done with school and are no longer being supported by our parents.

I understand that its her decision, but when something doesn't make sense to make I cannot let it go. I cannot even count how many times my parents would use the "because I said so line" and I, needing a real answer, would bug them until they extended my punishment or I got in more trouble. I'm having trouble just letting go when I feel that there is something else going on. It seems hypocritical to me to say that all these things are very important to your current actions would say otherwise. I just can't help getting this feeling that there is something she isn't telling me. Part of me thinks its her parents, for some reason I've always had a small feeling that they really didn't completely approve of her dating someone of a different religion, she says they are fine, but I think they weren't thinking along the terms of long-term/possibility of marriage. If it is, then it sucks but there's really nothing we can do, except just be friends again.

I know this sounds incredibly whinny, and it probably sounds like I'm saying "she should be with me, she's being stupid," and yeah I'll admit I do want to be with her, but you are right and I understand its her decision and its not up to me to decide whatever factors maybe involved in her decision, I just feel there are some unanswered questions(is it her parents? something I did/didn't do? if she had some sort of religious epiphany/awakening then when did these feelings start?), and that I cannot be a true friend to her unless I get some answers, and I feel that if she cares about me as much as she says she does she'd give me some answers. I might not like them but what am I gonna do, and I'd rather have her in my life as a friend then not have her in my life at all.

[carl1222]

The thing about when she wants to get married is, we are both in the same boat. We are both going to be going to some sort of grad school, and we both don't plan on getting married until we are done with school and are no longer being supported by our parents.

I understand that its her decision, but when something doesn't make sense to make I cannot let it go. I cannot even count how many times my parents would use the "because I said so line" and I, needing a real answer, would bug them until they extended my punishment or I got in more trouble. I'm having trouble just letting go when I feel that there is something else going on. It seems hypocritical to me to say that all these things are very important to your current actions would say otherwise. I just can't help getting this feeling that there is something she isn't telling me. Part of me thinks its her parents, for some reason I've always had a small feeling that they really didn't completely approve of her dating someone of a different religion, she says they are fine, but I think they weren't thinking along the terms of long-term/possibility of marriage. If it is, then it sucks but there's really nothing we can do, except just be friends again.

I know this sounds incredibly whinny, and it probably sounds like I'm saying "she should be with me, she's being stupid," and yeah I'll admit I do want to be with her, but you are right and I understand its her decision and its not up to me to decide whatever factors maybe involved in her decision, I just feel there are some unanswered questions(is it her parents? something I did/didn't do? if she had some sort of religious epiphany/awakening then when did these feelings start?), and that I cannot be a true friend to her unless I get some answers, and I feel that if she cares about me as much as she says she does she'd give me some answers. I might not like them but what am I gonna do, and I'd rather have her in my life as a friend then not have her in my life at all.

See the part in bold ... that is always a disasterous idea while you still have romantic feelings for her ... it's taking "love scraps" and will prolong your pain indefinitely if you try.

Carl.

[clever_name]

See the part in bold ... that is always a disasterous idea while you still have romantic feelings for her ... it's taking "love scraps" and will prolong your pain indefinitely if you try.

Carl.

You definitely hit the nail on the head. For the first two weeks of the new semester I tried to stay in touch with her and talk to her either after class, or try and catch her on facebook chat and talk to her, and would try to hang out with her. HUGE MISTAKE. Everytime I would talk to her I felt my heart breaking more and all the good feelings/positive energy I had built up was destroyed in a 1 minute conversation(live and learn right?)

I cut off communication, stopped trying to talk to her(after class or online), inviting her to do stuff, and I've just been hanging out with friends, concentrating on school, working out, and its been really good for me, I feel a lot better, the past two weeks I've felt great. Since we have the same group of friends(sort of), there's always a chance we could end up doing stuff together(as part of a group) but I'm not gonna let that stop me from hanging out and having fun, I just know its not gonna be me that called/invited her.

Its only been a week since the communication ban went into effect and I cannot believe how great I feel.