Sexual History

[blaneyboy2331]

Hello,

I've been reading through these forums and searching for different things, but I haven't been able to find a situation quite like mine.

I have been dating my girlfriend since early September, it's not been that long, but we're getting pretty serious (we're looking for a place together at college next year). When we first started having sex we decided to talk about our sexual histories. I realize this is a no-no, but we both agreed to talk about it because are we both regularly in contact with past flings. I have been with four people and have given her the circumstances of each. She is comfortable that I have no feelings for any of them anymore and she need not worry. Well... she gave me the names of nine guys. Wow, I was a little surprised as she didn't seem like that kind of person at all to me. All but two or three of them happened over the summer, and she only dated two of them. Well one of the guys she had been with kept calling her, it kinda bothered me because she never told him to stop, but I understood that she likes to avoid confrontation. I wasn't worried at all about her cheating because we've spent about every waking minute (and many not) together since we've been dating.

Well I was discussing this with her best friend, and I said that Kyle kept calling her. She asked "which Kyle?". Uh-oh... she had only told me about one Kyle. So I ask her about this, and she admits that there was another Kyle and one other guy. This bumped the number up to 11. We talked about lying, and trust and all that, she apologized and explained why she didn't tell me. She said she was embarrassed about it and didn't want me to judge her. Understandable, but I still did not appreciate it. Once again, we had talked about this agreed to tell each other about other people.

Well about a month ago we were talking and she mentioned some guy from Cali she met on a cruise and he came to stay with for a week. This raisedd my suspicions, and I asked if she had had sex with him. She kinda hesitated for a second and then said no. I asked her best friend (who refuses to lie to me) and sure enough, she says she did. I was pissed. I confronted her about it and she admitted to lying to me not only about him, but two other guys as well. This makes it 14 guys she has slept with, not including me. It would not have bothered me as much had she not LIED to me... again. She didn't have to disclose any details or anything, and I told her this, I just wanted to know how many guys she is in contact with that she has had sex with. Well I was mad, I told her I wouldn't have it, I didn't deserve to be lied to and I broke up with her. She cried for a good two days, I could barely take it so I called her and told her I wanted to talk. We talked, she apologized profusely, swore to me that she told me everything, wouldn't ever lie to me again and she was truly sorry. She admitted that they were mistakes and she was embarrassed of them, that's why she didn't want to tell me about them, she didn't want me to think ill of her. I believed her, but I still verified this with her best friend, and she wasn't lying. We came to terms with each other and reconciled.

I guess I don't blame her for feeling the way she did, and I'm glad the truth finally came out. But ever since, I've been really bothered by it. She has been with over 3 times more people than I have, and many were one-night stands with guys she had just met(don't worry, she's been checked for diseases). I just keep picturing her getting stuffed by some random guy in a gas station bathroom or something and it just kills me. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love EVERYTHING else about this girl, so I'm not going to get rid of her over it, but this just bothers the hell out of of. 12 guys over a period of two months, all before she even turned 18. I'd say that's just a little bit more than promiscous. And what's worse is that some of the guys still call her occasionally when they are in town asking if she "wants to do something". Of course she turns them down, but I just can't imagine my perfect girl being a cheap booty-call for so many guys.

How can I get over this? I wish we had never talked about it, but it's too late now. I find myself being critical of every guy she talks to and wondering if she's had sex with that one too. I don't want to judge her by her past as it's not fair to her, but one word keeps ringing in my head... "slut". I just can't stop thinking it. I don't want to, I don't try to, I just do. We have an awesome relationship and I could definitely see spending the rest of my life with this girl, I don't want something like this to ruin it. When I don't think about I'm fine, but if she happens to mention on of the guys, or I see one, I start thinking about it again and I get pissed or depressed. We've talked about and she understands my feelings, but there's nothing she can do about it. AAAAH!! I have to stop typing now, you get my point.

[shh!]

Honestly, I think that most guys would have a problem getting over this, and I am not sure you will be able to. Many guys would find ways to continually "punish" her for this kind of behavior. Don't be that guy. Break things off if you can't let it go, and in the future, don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.

Sorry, but not every problem has a solution. :-(

[Debunkt]

I know what you're going through. Just remember that its time for you to man up and give to her what all those guys took away. You're gonna be her self-respect, her self-esteem, her knowledge that she's better than that. You believe that, truly know that people change and she has, and she'll believe it, and you won't have to worry about a thing. You'll see, as time moves the relationship further, that it won't really bother you as much. For now, she'll understand where you're coming from, and you just have to talk it out everytime you feel upset about it.

[Lloyd95]

Let's put the fact that you're dating a slut aside, I think you are going to run into a lot of trust/honesty issues with her. You're going to have to be up front and honest with your concerns. Good luck.

[clynn]

I know what you're going through. Just remember that its time for you to man up and give to her what all those guys took away. You're gonna be her self-respect, her self-esteem, her knowledge that she's better than that. You believe that, truly know that people change and she has, and she'll believe it, and you won't have to worry about a thing. You'll see, as time moves the relationship further, that it won't really bother you as much. For now, she'll understand where you're coming from, and you just have to talk it out everytime you feel upset about it.

Debunkt - that is a really cool response. I like it, and I agree with it.

I guess there is a chance you simply can't passed it....but it may be worth it if you do.

Also, I think it is a person't perogative to share what they want to share about these sorts of things. I think you running to check her stories with her best friend every time she tells you something is very uncool. of both you and the best friend.

[Debunkt]

I'd say that her lying was a big no no, though. I wouldn't get hung up on the sex, but I think I would on the lies.

[Buotro]

IMO, she's a lying whore. The fact that she lied about it shows you that she knows sleeping with all those people was the wrong thing to do and she is insecure about it.

[Ellynn]

Yeah that IS alot of people.......and I guess I can see in a way why she lied about it....but she still shouldn't have....

Its honestly up to you if you can get past that.... Cuz if you can't trust her....the relationship is pointless. You need to either realize that everyone has a past.....or end things with her...

[Jenrick285]

Well, she's with you,not them and if it's a serious relationship, it shouldn't matter. I was once told that don't dig too deep, because you might not like what you find. Everyone's got things or nights they just rather forget about, especially those college days and frat parties and waking up asking for names, but that's another story. If you wanna stay with her, and you think she's worth the time, you are going to have to let go of the ego and just accept her and move past it (which I can tell you isn't as easy as it sounds) cause as someone above mentioned, it's just going to eat you up inside.
Like the rest, I wish you the best. There's no easy answer to your problem, and I feel for you.

[Kieran]

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[blaneyboy2331]

Thanks for the replies. It's nice to know you all understand what I'm going through.

Yes, the lies were a HUGE part of it, but in her situation I think I may have done the same thing, although I'd just rather not be in that situation. It's the only thing she's lied to me about, and I know she truly felt like shit for it. Like I said, it's mostly the sex thing I can't get over. I just can't help but thing of her as a skank sometimes and I hate it because I know that's not how she truly is. And it doesn't help when guys call, because I know exactly what they are calling for. Things are great when I forget about it, but soon enough something always happens to remind me of it and I start feeling shitty again.

Oh well, hopefully things will change with time and we'll be able to get past it. Thanks for your help.

[Rob26]

We've talked about this before, of course. Women, generally, consider it ultimately satisfying to convince a man to settle with them. Men want to have multiple partners with no commitment. Thus, it's easier for women to accept a man's history because she's the one who "won" him. The reverse is true for men. For him, it means that he wasn't good enough for her to have casual sex with but rather he had to commit fully to her to get it.

[Tone]

Just remember that its time for you to man up and give to her what all those guys took away. You're gonna be her self-respect, her self-esteem, her knowledge that she's better than that. You believe that, truly know that people change and she has, and she'll believe it, and you won't have to worry about a thing. You'll see, as time moves the relationship further, that it won't really bother you as much. For now, she'll understand where you're coming from, and you just have to talk it out everytime you feel upset about it.

My goodness I love this kid!

What a great response!

I agree with 'bunky. Your girl seems perfect in every other way for you, so OF COURSE there HAS to be SOMETHING thrown in there to make her human... if you're with someone who (claims to) has no past and is flawless... chances are you're in love with a robot.

From the future.

I say stick with her... the past is the past, nothing you can do about it. Good luck. Please keep us updated.

[TAVS]

Man or woman; that many partners in that amount of time....SLUT.

[Tone]

Slut yes.. but an ex-slut. (or so we hope!)