Embarrassing issue, HELP!

[puddleuddle]

I've had this problem since my last relationship and it is the most awful, embarrassing issue i can possibly imagine. I hope I can talk about it here and not be judged..
It started when I was dating my first boyfriend. the talk about porn/masturbation came up as i'm sure it does in every relationship at some point, and before I had the discussion I was just fine. I wasn't naive, i knew guys watched porn and masturbated to it, but for some reason when it was actually shared with me i became so upset. something about the thought of my boyfriend getting off without me made me feel so insecure, and the fact it was to porn just made it ten times worse. i wasn't mad, just felt weird, and in fact i could barely admit that it bothered me at all..
This is why it is embarrassing and shameful and sensitive: after i knew for a fact what my boyfriend did when he was alone I would think about it all the time and it ate me up. I would think about it at totally inappropriate times and even lost a lot of sleep over it. If i called and he didn't answer i would assume he was masturbating. Also I am a very visual person so I would imagine it and it made me feel sick. I knew it was wrong of me to feel this way =/ but i couldn't help it.
I still have this problem! I thought I got over it but no, it is this deep rooted mental issue that i fear i will never get over.
I discovered I still have the problem just yesterday when the same topic came up with my current boyfriend, and it is only because of the fact that it was brought up at all that it is now going to eat away at me. If we never talked about it once in our relationship I would have been just fine, you know, don't ask don't tell.
But he just threw it out there and wanted to know if i masturbated as well. He is a very honest guy and when I told him it made me feel weird he and his buddy tried to make me feel better about it, explaining things like it isn't because I am inadequate, it's just that guys have been doing it since the 7th grade and it's just what they know and so they do it.
I started to cry when i finally admitted my little issue to him because it is SO so embarrassing for me to admit.
He understands and said he will help me get over this but i'm afraid that it will be eternal.
Nothing anyone says about it can make me feel better or get it out of my stupid mind.

I need help, a little therapy if you will.
Any thoughts, input, anything at all would be appreciated. I just need some support, i don't like having this weird mental problem and i'm almost even scared to post this now. =/

Thanks all in advance

[sookie6]

You need to study and understand better men and how they get an erection.

It's triggered by visual messages when they see something exciting to them.

Very often the view of a young semi or totally naked female will turn them on.

Nature made them this way. Being young make men even more sensitive to sexual messages.

Men do not need emotional attachment to be stimulated unlike women.

I am sure that when you have accepted and understood this phenomenon as completely inherent to the nature of males you will stop feeling betrayed by it.

Imagine men complaining about why they need to give foreplay to a woman. Why can't they get turned on just by the sight of their dick???

Well it's exactly it...both sexes need to accept their differences...

[SirWagginston]

It's not that big of a problem. I do like to masturbate, but only when I don't have easy access to a sex partner. If I am in a serious relationship, I feel no need for pornography. The downside to that is it means I need to be around my partner frequently, or else my need for sex will be unsatisfied.

It's possible that you don't provide your boyfriend an outlet for his desire often enough. If you do, though, than your boyfriend probably has an addiction to porn, and you are right to be upset. Either he should get over it, or you should leave.

[puddleuddle]

i think if he had an addiction he wouldn't admit he does it in the first place. he was the one who brought it up! and i really wish he hadn't..he could have kept that private.

also when we first started dating he told me his libido was kind of low because he used to do a lot of drugs, and i know he's insecure about not being able to keep it up and about his performance. that doesn't stop us from having it, we do it very often in fact. but he struggles with sex; either he can't get it up or he's premature.. he says it's not my fault, he takes xanax too and that decreases sexual performance.
i can't help but feel like i don't do it for him or that he doesn't find me sexually attractive, especially after he just openly tells me he masturbates to porn. even though he's given me no reason to believe i'm unattractive to him, all this makes me feel so insecure.

maybe he needs it and doesn't need me? maybe he even needs it as foreplay when he's having sex with me? =/ i just feel like he wouldn't do it if i was good enough for him.
it eats me alive.

[vashti]

You just sound young to me, and this is a problem you will probably outgrow as you get a bit older and more secure with yourself.

Antidepressants are well known to lower libido, and masturbation allows him to control the pressure for maximum effect. It doesn't have anything to do with you at all. What you SHOULD be worried about is whether or not you will be able to be with a guy with a very low sex drive for any length of time.

[phys251]

It sounds like you have some hangups about sexuality in general. Don't worry, masturbation is perfectly normal and is rarely something to be concerned about.

Besides, while you're not around, would you rather him relieve his sexual tension by himself or with another woman?

[puddleuddle]

Thank you guys for your input!
It's not the fact that he masturbates that makes me feel weird and insecure, I'm not that stupid, I know everyone does, I do even. It's just that I feel like he's with someone else when he does it, and when he has sex with me maybe he wishes I were someone else??

Maybe if I looked at it from my PoV? I masturbate. Usually it's not to porn but I've been curious before and I do like it, it helps, though I'm rather picky. But when I do this I don't think gosh I wish my boyfriend and I had sex like this, I just do it and get it done. It's casual really, nothing that makes me love my boyfriend less or desire him any less. If anything it makes me desire him more. If I'm horny, I'm horny and I masturbate and visuals help and that's all there is to it. Unmentionable, completely normal.

When I think of it like that it makes me feel a lot better, but is it the same with men? I know I sound like a complete hypocrite right now BUT I honestly feel like it's different with him and has to do with me not doing it for him or being a turn off! Wouldn't he rather just watch porn than have sex with me? Maybe if I told him what I said in the above paragraph it will make me feel better haha.

[Coco]

You should read this article.
[url=http://ezinearticles.com/?Can-You-Trust-Your-Boyfriend-When-He-Watches-Porn-Online?&id=1117839]Can You Trust Your Boyfriend When He Watches Porn Online?[/url]

[puddleuddle]

I read the article and it seems really biased..It suggests that men who masturbate to porn while they're in a committed relationship are basically bad people who will cheat and are cheating already just by viewing porn. Not sure I agree with that.
I agree with some of it just because it's describing the way I feel and some of my fears (porn being a replacement for me, etc..) but the article is just too biased. Every guy, pretty much, masturbates to porn regardless of their relationship status, so it's basically saying that all men are untrustworthy..

I trust my boyfriend and he is a very good guy. I want to feel better about this because I love him and respect him and he me.
It isn't his problem, it's mine and I just need ways to feel better about it and accept it.
It's just so hard to deal with, this deep mental issue of mine.=(

[Coco]

Exactly my point. So if you trust him... why fear porn so much?
I think it goes way beyond porn. I felt like you at one point... but my issues go way beyond porn.
And... not EVERY guy is addicted to porn. They may browse... but not every guy is that way.

[doppelgaenger]

I say minimize it by comparing it to other potential issues. Look on the bright side, at least it's on the healthy end of the porno spectrum... at least he isn't into man on man action, bdsm, or ****ing animals. All of a sudden, a little fapping to some typical porno flick doesn't seem so bad, does it?

Don't worry, it might be pretty normal for guys to look at pornography, but it's also a normal response for girls to be shocked and upset about it.

[Coco]

That's true. I wouldn't be worried about it becoming a replacement especially if you trust him.

[puddleuddle]

It does go way beyond the porn but think about it, if it was eliminated from the picture I wouldn't have such insecurities.
I'm glad to hear that it's a normal response for girls to be upset about this because I felt embarrassed about admitting it, like I should just understand, no questions asked.

I think the only way to get past this is to actually open up to him and work with it. Our sex life is really weird and while he has expressed no complaints about it, I have some and it's contributing to my fears and especially to my insecurities. He has insecurities too and while I trust him not to cheat on me I think the fear that porn may be a replacement is a legitimate one. I just need to discuss this with him to clear things up between us. Haaa it's not going to be easy, but I hid it from my previous boyfriend and it messed me up pretty bad.

Thank you thank you for your help everyone.

[Illusional]

just because you're looking at the menu, doesn't mean that you want to order everything that you see. men who look at porn aren't necessary going to cheat, nor are they lacking something in their life. it's just nice to have a change of scenery every once in a while.

raverboy

[AustinGuy]

The majority of guys are watching/getting off to online porn. It's simply too easy to access nowadays. Before that it was Playboy. Before Playboy guys pulled out Sears catalogs. Before that they closed their eyes and imagined a girl. It's all just a visual aid. I still did it pretty frequently even in my relationship where I was completely satisfied sexually. You must understand that that release needs to happen, it drives you insane otherwise. And I doubt you would want to take care of it at all the given moments. Everybody need a little "me" time. It's a much better alternative than a guy going out and cheating. Let's say he didn't use porn....would it bother you to think what might be going on inside his head?
Now....if he starts asking you to watch it with him all the time, or he is expecting you to do stuff that they do, I would see the problem. He's not comparing you to these girls and he's not wishing he was actually with them. To me, it's in no way different than if you were to catch the glance of some tall dark handsome guy in the mall and got a little jump in your stomach. We all look, we all think, we all fantasize. Unless you think there is some unhealthy obsession there, you shouldn't lose sleep over it. And, I see no reason that you can't talk about this with him....but in a non-combative way.