My girlfriend left me. I need advice on the next step.

[Rasmus]

Hey all.

New poster here and Im in desperate need of advice, so I want to share my story to shed some light on my predicament.
I went to Uni a bit over years ago and didnt know anyone there. Weeks past and it was great, made new friends in my class mates and things felt like they were looking up. I had recently been studying music, (Im a musician), but found that I didnt want to make a living as a music teacher for the rest of my life. Im 34 btw.
I met this girl in my class and got to know her a bit. After some weeks we started opening up and she revealed to me that she was in a relationship that wasnt going well, (running 4 years), that she was unhappy and generally didnt have a lot of self esteem, (she was a bit overweight but not overly so). I really liked her and we connected very well. She would start talking to me when feeling down, writing me on messenger, and I was a friend to her. Made her laugh, cheered her up etc. We began talking about meeting up for a cup of coffee and after a few weeks she came by my appartment in the evening, then told me that she had told her boyfriend that she was at a girlfriends place for tea.
Now, it important to note that I didnt see her as anything but a friend. Sure I was attracted to her shes very pretty, but if theres another guy involved I never allow myself to go farther than friendly talks and casual company.
We stayed up late and laughed and she expressed to me how glad she was to be there. After some hours had passed she started coming on to me, flirting glimpses and so on. She kissed me on the neck, which would have been the mouth hadnt I turned away in a friendly manner. It was now 4 am and she told me that she wasnt going to leave, that Id have to throw her out. I laughed and we smiled, then I threw her out so she could go back home. Not in a bad way, it was just the right thing to do.
A couple of days later she was miserable in class. It turned out she had dumped her boyfriend, whom she at the time also shared an appartment with, and she was feeling bad. She turned to me for comfort the following weeks, visited me again and we ended up kissing and ultimately having sex after a few weeks. It seems she was falling in love with me, but I was confused. I was afraid to hurt her feelings and also afraid to be rejected, the reason was that shes 22 and so 12 years younger than me. Now, before anyone thinks Im an old pig or something, realise that this was how I was feeling myself. I didnt want to engage in something that would only end up hurting me, but as time went by I fell in love with her too. It was the best time of my life, felt like we were meant for eachother. A couple of months after she had broken up with her ex, I asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend. She was very happy and said yes.
What followed was months of great fun, we went to class together, wrote exam projects together and did very well. Then, after 6 months, we had to go out in the field, which is part of the education, we work as kindergarten staff, dont know what its called in english. Had to be in seperate institutions and so on, which would last for another 6 months. We were still seeing eachother, but the time was more sparse, and I didnt have the same energy level I used to. Being in the field can be tough, you have to overcome a lot of personal boundaries to develop yourself.
She began acting differently, a bit more needy. Like I wasnt there for her enough, which I guess I wasnt in the same way I used to, but that the job demanded it unfortunatly. And when I got home in the evening I would be very tired, both physically and mentally, and I would often spend nights alone, just relaxing my thoughts.

The 6 months passed and we got back to Uni, had exams just a couple of months after we got back. We teamed up again, together with the two other people from our class we usually work with, and we did manage good result. Difference this time was that I hadnt regained the energy level I had before heading out, and I was slowly beginning to feel stressed out and tired. I took a lot of responsibility in our projects, and you could say that I kinda held the leadership role in those. But it took its toll, and this time she had a better result at her exam than I did. It bothered me a little bit, since I egotistically thought I was deserving of the same result, since I had put up so much work. It wasnt jealousi, I was just being dissapointed with myself. Looking back I have realised that it wasnt possible for me to do better than I did, since I was in that state.

Months passed again, my stress and low self esteem built up, and finally summer break arrived. We were still together and when we shared eachothers company I would be there for her 100%, telling her I loved her, how much she meant to me and so on. And I really did. I still felt the way I did when we first fell in love, and I could tell she really loved me too, helping me out with little things etc. We just never got to talk about it, see the rason was that I wasnt really aware that I was stressed. I just ignored it and slowly got more and more secluded in myself. I wasnt depressed, but it was a state not unlike a depression.

Then one night during the summer we were heading out with some friends to a concert, and in the last minute I told her that I didnt want to come. I just didnt have the energy for it and decided to be honest with her and tell her how I felt about it. I could tell it bothered her, but she told me it was alright. But that I should know that a guy was going to meet them, whom I knew had been hitting on her at a party I wasnt present at earlie, and she really wanted me there because he was annoying and clingy. I guess I did the wrong thing, but I told her that she should just call if he got annoying, (koncert was in the neighbourhood), and that I would come by then and be with her. We also agreed that she would come over to my place when the koncert was done and theyd been out for drinks etc.
I waited up, and around 2 am she wrote me she was on her way back. I waited, she didnt turn up, an hour had passed and I got worried that something had happened, so I phoned her up. She took it but noone responded, and I realised that she had pushed the wrong button since I could hear her talk with someone. She apparently meant to turn it off but pushed the wrong button in her pocket.
Then the shock came. I could hear she was crying and that she was talking to the aforementioned guy. I sat there listening for 15 mins, couldnt believe what I was hearing. She mentioned that she was unhappy but said that it wasnt my fault, the guy said things like "maybe youre with the wrong ugy?" and so on. I was devastated. 15 mins later she was at my front door acting like nothing had happened, but she could see on my expression that I was not well, and not happy.
We talked half the night. I told her that I didnt know what to do about this, that I had to figure out if I could still trust her. She was crying and I tried to understand why she hadnt told me she felt this way. She told me she needed more attention, that when I had been away playing koncerts myself some weekends, that she imagined I was with other women and she had met up with the guy before, so she could be with someone. They hadnt done anything wrong, but I was pissed cause I felt like the guy had interfered in something he wasnt supposed to, and with hiddenmotivations of his own. See, had she talked to anyone else I wouldnt have reacted the way I did, but that guy, that wasnt alright with me, and she knew from the start how I felt about him, and that she should have come to me personally and told me how she felt instead. She was devastated as well.

I pushed her away from me for three days. She sent me flowers and a long hand written letter, telling me that she loved me beyond belief, tried to explain why she had done it and that she hoped I would contact her if I could forgive her. That I was the best thing that ever happened to her. After the three days had passed, I called her up and we met up. Talked about being better at talking with eachother with relationship problems and then life moved on. I told her that she meant everything to me, and that it hurt me alot that she didnt trust me with how she had felt about our relationship.

Fast forward to this september.
Another year, another exam. I was feeling a bit better, had gotten some energy back again after the holidays and I decided that in order to keep the curve going I was going to do something differently this time. I was going to take a different responsibility in the project this time around, since I needed to take a step back to not get stressed out again. So, in a moments notice an opportunity presented itself. Another project group wanted me onnoard, and I asked if she was ok with it, after having checked who she got together with and that she would be fine without me working with her. We were still together as a couple and this was afterall just work. We had talked in the past about not always being able to work together on projects, and that it was ok. That we should be able to seperate the relationship from work, which we always were good at. So I joined up with the other group.
She got very stressed during this time, buried herself in work, not only exams but a lot of other stuff as well. We were a bit more apart than usual, since we both were busy, but it was only going to last for four weeks, then exams would be over and everything would go back to normal.

With only a week left before exams I went to her place like I usually did. She wanted to talk to me and she started crying and telling me that she needed to be fulfilled and that she had very little self esteem, that she had to take care of herself and that she needed a break from our relationship. She has some issues from her childhood with her mom being sick, and her mom left her. She told me she had to try and resolve those issues and find out who she was. I was in shock again. I tried to talk to her and she cried and nothing I said or did really helped at all. So I got hurt and mad and told her that to me there was no "break". She either wanted to be with me or not, and that she had to tell me. She told me that she loved me so much, but that she couldnt be with me right now. I broke down, I cried and said she was my whole world and I just wanted her to understand that I had been going trhough a rough time, that it wasnt her fault or that she had done anything wrong. I stormed to the door, she ran after me and wanted to hold me. In my mind I thought, "Oh shes playing the friends card" and I pushed her away and said that I couldnt be friends with her, since I wouldnt be able to handle it if she found someone else. I then left.

I texted her when I got home. I was hurt and crying and miserable. She turned to tables on me and was mad at me, and that because I had pushed her away, (apparently she wanted to reconsile), that I now had to respect her decision. The came the sleepless nights and me scouring through her facebook profile, missing her like crazy. I couldnt think of anything else, didnt read for my upcoming exam, I was a mess. I sent her flowers and she responded with a text saying thank you. Then a couple of nights before the exam she texted me saying that she was going to make the breakup official, that she was going to phone her dad and tell him and all that. I had written a long email, telling her how I felt about her and that I was aware that we had some issues that should be addressed, but to do that we would have to meet and talk it through. So, I asked her not to do anything before she read the email, and then I sent it to her. She read it then came online on Facebook in the chat window. We talked a little bit then I asked her if she could truly tell me that she didnt love me anymore, and that it was over. After reading the email she got confused, and she got angry at me again. In the end we agreed to meetup after the exams, some days later, to talk things through.

I was stil miserable, the waiting time was pure insanity. In the end I wrote her that I needed to know if she was going to come by and stay until we had talked it through, no matter how long it took, or that she would just show up, say bye to me and then leave again. She got mad at me and phoned me, saying that she was pissed off because I couldnt respect her by waiting those last few days, so now she would come by my appartment. I said that I didnt think it was a good idea since she was upset, so she hung up. I called her back and told her that if we could talk together as adults and not scream at eachother, then she could come by. So she did.

When she got there she broke down again. She told me she had done something I couldnt forgive her for, and she was scared to tell me. I assured her it was ok, (In the back of my head I instinctivly knew what it was), and played it calm and collected. She caved in and told me she had been chatting with an old work colleague during the summer, and that he had come by her place one night to watch a movie, she needed to talk to someone since I was working and couldnt be there. They had ended up kissing and touching eachother, but she had stopped him going all the way since she thought of me and that she still loved me. I asked her who it was, if she had feelings for him and why she did it. She wouldnt tell me who it was, she said that it wasnt relevant, but that it meant nothing, that she didnt care for him, and that she had been driven by impulse. She was feeling very guilty about it, and couldnt forgive herself. We talked it over then I finally ended up forgiving her because I understood why she had done it, and because I loved her and wanted to move on with her. I ended up helping her a bit with her exam, (she had it a few days later than me), and we then stuck to our original agreement, that we should talk when the exams were over.

She came to me again after that as we had talked about. I had thought about the issues and gotten a bit more enlightened. She ended up doing better than me again, and that was great. I was very happy that she realised that she could do the project without me, and that it would make her feel better about herself. During the project she had once in a while told me that she really needed me in her group, and I always said I would help any way that I could, when she needed it, so she could just say it and Id be there. But she never did. So, we ended up talking through a lot of stuff, especially that we hadnt been good enough at communicating, and that we had to start participating more in eachothers lives again. I also told her that I need to kind of start over, and that repairing our relationsship would take some time, that it isnt something that happens over night. She agreed, we were happy and we got together again.

[Rasmus]

For the next couple of weeks I started doing things differently. We visited her familiy a few times on my initiative, I asked her out, we went to a birthdaqy party, we did stuff together whenever possible. She was working as well so we couldnt be together every night, but that was fine. I didnt want it to be to desperate and clingy. We saw movies together, slept together and everything seemed to go really well.

Then the bomb dropped.

After two weeks of this she came to me one night, in the doorway she told me that we needed to talk. That moment if felt like my heart just dropped down into my stomach. Yet again she broke down and told me that she had been faking it for those two weeks. Thats the exact word she used, "faking" it. In front of friends, family and me. She told me that she was a mess inside, that she needed professional help and that she couldnt be with me. I tried to hold her and tell her it was going to be alright, but she pushed me away nad no matter what I said it was like she didnt trust it. After an hour of this I just couldnt take it anymore. I told her, that if she had truly made up her mind about this before she came to me, then there was nothing more I could say. That it was pointless talking about it any longer, and I asked her to leave. She gave me back the key she had for my appartment and asked for the one I had for hers. She said that if I loved her I would give it to her, and I asked her if she even realised what she was asking of me. That giving it to her was a way of letting her run from her problems again, (she has done this through out her life). I was crying my heart out and a complete mess, but I gave it back. She took it, said "Im sorry" and left.

All of this happened just 1½ weeks ago.

I was in shambles, I missed her, wanted to talk to her, to tell her how much she meant to me. But I surrounded myself with friends and spoke to all that I could, pouring my heart out. They told me not to contact her, to not text her or phone her or anything else. Fortunatly, I obliged, even though it was gut wrenching tough. One thing was on my mind though, the guy she had been kissing with. I wanted to know who he was, cause I was going insane with the thought of going to Uni and talking to guys in a friendly manner, not knowing if one of them was the one she had been unfaithful with. So I texted her in a calm manner, asking her to tell me who it was. She got really mad at me, but I insisted, still calmly and friendly. She finally texted that I didnt know him, that he didnt go to Uni and that I had never met him, which a mutual friend confirmed the next day after having talked to her. Felt good getting that out of the system, but a major problem was still that I would see her at Uni, same class, couldnt escape it. And when I saw her she would turn away from me, not look me in the eyes, act like nothing was ut of the ordinary towards others etc. Its been living hell.

I felt like I needed to do something. She was slipping away, I had to act. I talked to friends about this and finally our mutual friend suggested that maybe I should write her a letter, to tell her how I felt, for myself. I did. I made sure it was positive, that I told her how I felt, that I loved our time together, that I now understood why we drifted apart and that I was going to change my life around, with or without her, but that I was here for her, that I was worried about her and that she could come to me when she was willing to talk to me again. I wrote her that I couldnt handle her pushing me away whenever I met her, and so she had to come to me. I told her that I respected her decision of not being with me right now and that it was for the best for the time being, but that she still was the one I wanted to be with. I went by her place this thursday, didnt check if she was home. Just put the letter in the mail slot in her door and left just as quickly.

Ive been looking at her facebook profile. Shes going to parties, telling people shes doing fine, acting like shes having a great time and getting big muscular friends on Facebook she meets at these parties. Shes acting like nothing is wrong, even though the people I talk to around her tell me that is feels like shes not acting like herself, like she used to. I know her very well, and I know shes an expert at putting on a facade and hide that shes hurting, but its still driving me insane. She still has stuff at my place which Ive made her aware of, but Ive put all of it in a box and hid it where I cant see it. I still have her on Facebook and I still have a hard time not looking at her profile, but Ive removed her phonenumber and her emailaddress and so forth. Shes putting profile pictures up of herself where shes very pretty and attractive.

At Uni this friday I went to the Uni bar where a party was going on. The guy from the conversation I overheard was there, and I told him I wanted to speak with him. I took him out back and told him that I knew what he had been doing and I had heard what he said, that I wanted him to know and that I felt like he had crapped all over me behind my back, and that he didnt have any buisness doing that since he doesnt know me at all. He tried to shrug it off, but I was frim and told him I didnt want to hear him say anything, just that he had mingled in affairs he should have stayed out of and that it would never happen again. I told him it had nothing to do with her but it was between him and me. Afterwards he kept to himself, but I could see he was texting someone, and Im quite sure it was her.


Fast forward to last night.

I got home from a friends place, had been up all night drinking and talking about the break up. I logged on Facebook and had a message from her. Heres what she wrote:

Hi Rasmus
I have recieved your letter - dont know what to say except the following...
I understand that youre thinking of me, and Im happy that youve come to realise that this is for my own good!
Im feeling alright, -but its not fun ofc! And Ive never said that I wouldnt talk to you like you suggested. I would like to talk to you, I really wish we can talk together in a normal manner.
I hope youre ok, I have my doubts after reading your Facebook status, but you have someone to talk to right!?!
Im sorry I havent answered you before, but I havent been at home much these past days because of School, work and a birthday party.
Kira


Just as I had thrown the initiative her way she does this. I had agreed with myself not to contact or talk to her for at least 3-4 weeks, and I know shes been on facebook every night since she got the letter, so she could have easily written me back before last night. Also, writing me on facebook with a reply is so impersonal, much more than a text, a phonecall or talking to me in person.

Im a wreck and I feel like hell. I have begun taking the measures to do something to not think of her, going to the gym, eating food I like, going out with friends. But I still have to see her every day at Uni and I really, really want her back. Shes the love of my life. I dont know what to do. Why is she writing this message this way? Should I write her back? Should I ignore it or pretend I never read it? If someone can help me with advice Id be forever grateful. Im a mess. Will I ruin what chance I might have left by not speaking to her? Or by speaking to her?


Thank you for reading my story.

[Agape]

FIRSTLY take this post and summarize it into 1 5-line paragraph! . . . I honestly skipped down to the "dropped the bomb" part

"They told me not to contact her, to not text her or phone her or anything else. Fortunatly, I obliged, even though it was gut wrenching tough.", good advice BUT then you sent her a letter

As for getting back with her, I don't actually know what's going on but this stand out "Thats the exact word she used, "faking" it. In front of friends, family and me. She told me that she was a mess inside, that she needed professional help and that she couldnt be with me." . . .she should be faking anything, if she's a mess and can't be with you --> you leave her and move on.