How can I make my girlfriend feel beautiful? She wants to talk to other guys...

[JoshRMT]

Im 26, my girlfriend is 20. We have been together for 2 years. Ive been in many, many relationships, and several long-term relationships. I know what im looking for, and I know what I want. I love my girl to death, she is everything to me and id do almost anything for her. In fact, I had purchased an engagement ring recently with plans to give it to her sometime this year.

Anyway, she was not attractive in Highschool and never got attention from any guys, but bloomed and is now drop-dead gorgeous. She has only dated one other guy other than me. I feel bad, because I know I dated a lot of girls, and I learned a lot from each relationship. She is still immature and has a lot to learn about love, and she feels like she needs to talk to other guys in order to determine if there is anything else out there for her.

She says the way it feels when other guys tell her that she's beautiful is on a whole different level than when I tell her she's beautiful. I don't overdo, but I do tell her she is sexy often. She feels the need to reassure herself with others that she is truly beautiful. I don't know how else to make her feel beautiful. I take pictures of her all the time, and let her post sexy lingerie ones on her MySpace and Facebook. She has never been thought of as beautiful in the past, and now she is flaunting it. Is this typical? She had a bad childhood, no parents and nobody to love her. She craves love because she has never had it.

Currently, we live together and share a lot of bills. Our lifestyle is good because we both have good jobs and we heavily rely on each other for a lot of things. We are tightly entwined financially. This is NOT an easy relationship to walk away from!

I am the least jealous guy in the world. I love her so much that I would rather her be with someone that could make her happy if she found someone 'better' than myself. Right now she is talking to a few guys. We have broke up once before, and during that time she slept with a guy she just met. The breakup was mutual, so no shady business. In total, she has slept with four people including me. I dont care if she talks to guys, but I dont want to lose her. I rely on her so much right now for all things in my life, that my world would shatter without her.

How can I let her get out there and meet new guys without jeopardizing the relationship? Is this relationship hopeless? SO many of you are too quick to say, "Just leave her!". In my shoes, this is more than a relationship, it's my entire lifestyle and love of my life. She may not feel the same way about me that I do about her, but that is fine by me because I feel that once she dates around, she will realize how much I love her, and how valuable I am to her.

Thoughts?

Thank you!

[Icej2k]

The first thing that I will say is that for any serious relationship... The myspace/facebook lingerie think sounds like a bad idea.

Now obviously, she needs to know how beautiful she is. And if she posts those pictures, simply for herself, then that's completely fine. But when you start posting half-naked pictures on-line for self-esteem just shows that she has some deeper issues. It's probably nice to be "ogled" once in a while. But with some of the filth that people post on myspace pages, it can be easy for someone with low self-esteem to get sucked into that world.

And I do not completely understand - are you actually encouraging her to date other guys? Because unless you are in an open relationship where you can both do as you like in terms of seeing other people, you will become her doormat. That will seriously jeopardise your relationship.

But if I'm honest, even though you may have a "good" relationship now, her craving for male attention, and insecurities may make her pretty unpredictable. And the fact that one of the main things that seems to be keeping you together is your financial support, you really should just look at yourselves, and decide whether or not it is a good idea to want to marry someone with so many insecurities.

Sorry - it feels as though this post is not very well- structured, so if you need any more clarity, just ask for it.

[Yggdrasil]

She is still immature and has a lot to learn about love, and she feels like she needs to talk to other guys in order to determine if there is anything else out there for her.

She says the way it feels when other guys tell her that she's beautiful is on a whole different level than when I tell her she's beautiful.

She had a bad childhood, no parents and nobody to love her. She craves love because she has never had it.

Currently, we live together and share a lot of bills. Our lifestyle is good because we both have good jobs and we heavily rely on each other for a lot of things. We are tightly entwined financially.

We have broke up once before, and during that time she slept with a guy she just met.

I rely on her so much right now for all things in my life, that my world would shatter without her.

She may not feel the same way about me that I do about her, but that is fine by me because I feel that once she dates around, she will realize how much I love her, and how valuable I am to her.

Thoughts?

Thank you!

Yeah, stop enabling her and get her counseling. You better go counseling to. You live in some kind of idealized fantasy world or so.

[lesa]

She is still immature and has a lot to learn about love, and she feels like she needs to talk to other guys in order to determine if there is anything else out there for her.

Sorry to tell you what you really don't want to hear but when a female tells you this above, she is not craving just love. She wants sex with other men. Just like you had relationships with other women and finally know what you want, she wants to do the same. If she doesn't get it out of her system she may become a cheating wife soon in the marriage. Deal with this issue now or when married---it's up to you.

My advice would be to mutually break up and maybe meet again later in life. She may be the "one" for you but right now you are not hers.

[Gigabitch]

If she needs male attention to define herself, there's going to be trouble. Getting a boost just because a guy finds you attractive is silly. Put a couple beers in most of them and they'll **** an apple pie. It's not exactly a high form of flattery. Maybe you could try to explain to her that she's cheapening herself by seeking it out.

If she really wants validation, she needs to find a way to make other women like and admire her (I don't mean sexually).

[IndiReloaded]

If she really wants validation, she needs to find a way to make other women like and admire her (I don't mean sexually).

Exactly. She's 20 (here we go w/the age), and generally young women around that age define themselves somewhat by the relationships they form.

You just need to tell her that men admiring her physical beauty isn't exactly 'deep & meaningful' interaction. Its that old joke about a guy & a girl standing in the middle of the street crying "fcuk me!".

The girl will have her choice of partners to go home with & the guy gets arrested.

Such is life.

[ecojeanne]

wow you live in a fantasy world with the whole 'you don't mind losing her as long as she is happy' idea. she should respect herself and you more. i really don't think you should marry her if she is looking for superficial validation from other men. this attitude she has will eventually lead to trouble for her.

[JoshRMT]

Thanks for all the advice guys! Just a few more comments and questions...

I dont intend to marry her or anything right now, I know she is not even close to the state of mind that I had originally thought she was.

Listen everyone, I know some things in this world seem 'unsalvageable', but this is something I really feel the need to salvage. All things are possible, even if unprobable. People can change and grow through influence and experience, even if it takes a lot of time. I have changed dramatically for the better throughout this relationship, and although I dont expect her to change in the same way, I think anyone has the potential to make changes.

I know there are no magic words or magic actions, but there has to be a plan I can follow that will boost confidence in her and the relationship. I know there has to be a way for her to see that I am unreplaceable, and that she will find nobody that can make her feel as good.

I can see she is holding onto me as a safety net in case she is not able to 'find someone better'. She has pretty much told me in the past that she wants to see what else is out there, but does not want to risk losing me.

Now im starting to see this as a 'challenge', an insurmountable obstacle that will teach me more about life and the female mind. I know I shouldnt treat it as a game, but it's become a chase for me again now.

[Yggdrasil]

I know some things in this world seem 'unsalvageable', but this is something I really feel the need to salvage. All things are possible, even if unprobable. People can change and grow through influence and experience, even if it takes a lot of time. I have changed dramatically for the better throughout this relationship, and although I dont expect her to change in the same way, I think anyone has the potential to make changes.

Sure, all things are possible. It's possible the moon is made of cheese.

Get real.

Change comes from within, not from the outside. You can't help her. Stop trying to 'fix' her. You can't. Bottom line. You trying to fix her tells me that there's something that has to be 'fixed' within you.

I know there has to be a way for her to see that I am unreplaceable, and that she will find nobody that can make her feel as good.

Stop trying to control the outcome. You can't. Again bottom line.

But hey, if you're into emotional macho-sadism and love to torture yourself and her emotionaly, be my guest. See where it leads to.

[JoshRMT]

Yggdrasil I knew that would be coming. I don't agree though. Change comes from experiencing the environment and external stimuli, not from some 'mystical force from within'. Im not trying to fix her, im trying to fix our environment.

[IndiReloaded]

You don't seem to want to listen to Ygg, so not sure what else to say. Except that there is always "one more _______" (fill in blank with job, date, wife, husband, fcuk, man/woman) to be had.

Some folks are smart enough to know a good thing when they see it, regardless of the number that came prior. Some learn too late after throwing it away, and some never learn.

I think there's a lesson in there someplace about commitment, and it really coming from the individual, NOT something external. I think you are completely off the mark about change coming externally. That is *never* successful, in my experience. Maybe someone else can explain it to you better. Good luck w/things.

[Yggdrasil]

Yggdrasil I knew that would be coming. I don't agree though. Change comes from experiencing the environment and external stimuli, not from some 'mystical force from within'. Im not trying to fix her, im trying to fix our environment.

Ah.. denial. You can stimulate her whatever you want. It's HER who has to come to her senses and you can't make her.

Anyways. Live and learn.

[JoshRMT]

Thank you everyone for all their input. Ive given everything a lot of thought and had a talk with her and id like to post the conclusion to this for people that ever might be in a similar situation. Everything you guys have said have really gave me things to think about, and I appreciate every word.

There's a lot of talk about 'just move in', 'just ditch her', 'just find someone new'. We've decided that we should just be friends, I myself have come to the following conclusion:

I have spent 2 years building a relationship with my girl, there were good times and hard times. There is no sense in throwing all of this away just because she wants to experience new things in life. I live with her, and we share our bills with each other. I can see how being just friends with her is valuable, and we can focus on helping each other with our individual goals in life so that we can put ourselves in a comfortable position for our next relationships. We agreed to not bring people home of the opposite sex, and we should work on improving ourselves rather than running off to find a new relationship.

It's REALLY hard, and we have each had constant bouts of jealousy over the last three days as we each try to show the other that we can 'move on quickly'. There is no sense in trying to prove to the other person you can move on instantly. You are both hurting, even if one of you doesn't want the relationship. Yes she has hurt me by not showing the same love back to me, but that's her choice, and if I love her, I should continue to be her friend and support her, as long as she's willing to do what she can to support me back. I probably will not be ready to date again for awhile, or at least until it seems that she has found someone new and has drifted far enough from me that there is no sense in relying on her for any sort of emotional support. As long as we live together, I think we should use it to our financial advantage, but attempt to drift further in seperate directions as far as our commitments to each other's lifestyles.

And that's the end of this little story. Thank you everyone for your help and comments.

[Yggdrasil]

We agreed to not bring people home of the opposite sex.

It's REALLY hard, and we have each had constant bouts of jealousy.

As long as we live together, I think we should use it to our financial advantage, but attempt to drift further in seperate directions as far as our commitments to each other's lifestyles.

Yep, this guy is into emotional torture. Financial dependency combined with long, slow and very painfull spiritual dead.

[Mish]

She is still immature and has a lot to learn about love, and she feels like she needs to talk to other guys in order to determine if there is anything else out there for her.

She says the way it feels when other guys tell her that she's beautiful is on a whole different level than when I tell her she's beautiful.

How can I let her get out there and meet new guys without jeopardizing the relationship? Is this relationship hopeless? SO many of you are too quick to say, "Just leave her!". In my shoes, this is more than a relationship, it's my entire lifestyle and love of my life. She may not feel the same way about me that I do about her, but that is fine by me because I feel that once she dates around, she will realize how much I love her, and how valuable I am to her.

You are living a fantasy where you are with a much more idealized version of your partner than she actually is in reality. Where as in reality you are with a very shallow person who has very little respect for you or for your relationship with her.

My advice is to separate completely