obsessed with the ex?

[Renee]

I've been in a relationship with a younger man for over a year. We get along wonderfully and this is the best relationship I've ever had. He treats me very well. He is beyond his years in most ways.

My concern is his ex-wife. She is brought up out of the blue in many conversations, which makes me feel she is on his mind. He checks her emails frequently (even when traveling) and gets in bad moods after doing this when he finds she has been corresponding with lots of men.

They were married only a short while and she began to neglect him horribly, refused to have sex, cheated on him and said mean things about him to others behind of his back. She was not a wife to him once the ring was on her finger. He is insecure and often talks bad about himself, using the things his ex said about him to others.

I question if he has truly let go of her, although he says he has and would never want her back.

My boyfriend says I have treated him better than anyone he's ever been with and especially his ex-wife, but from my side it feels as if he is cheating his time with me in bringing his ex into the present. I have given him understanding to needing time to rid himself of the negative feelings involved, but don't understand his need to check on what she is doing. I have to consider my feelings too which often get hurt. I feel that your energy should be placed on the person you are presently with and not so much in the past.

I have discussed this with my boyfriend and he says he is not hung up on his ex. I've discussed how his moods change when he reads her emails, yet he still does it. He says it's out of curiosity, but why would someone want to remind themselves of such a negative past? I have to ask if he is deluding himself and denying his feelings for her or is this his weird way of letting go.

Should I give him more understanding and put my feelings on the back burner and hope time will take care of this or is his behavior clearly wrong since he has commited himself to ME?

Any suggestions or comments will be appreciated.

[Anthony]

I share your concerns about his frequent affiliation with his former wife, especially considering you have both been together for a reasonable amount of time. There is nothing wrong with giving a person time to move on and settle personal matters, but there has to be a point where behaviors like the ones you described need to end.

After my previous relationship ended, I found myself frequently viewing her personal website and staying updated with certain events in her life, even though I knew it was self-detrimental and it caused me a fair amount of stress, emotionally and otherwise. Although the break-up was still a recent memory and I needed time to adjust, I realized that dwelling on the relationship was the worst thing I could do to move away from it, and began to gradually reduce my website visits and correspondance with her, until it was more managable.

I can understand from his prespective that it's sometimes difficult to completely move away from a past relationship, even if he's only remotely still involved with it, however he doesn't seem to realize the message he is sending through his actions. Have you tried explaining the situation to him from your prespective, and telling him how you feel about what he has been doing?

I believe that you've been understanding of his needs; it's been long enough that he should be respecting the commitment of his current relationship, and respecting the mutual need for those actions to cease, whether or not he realizes that they could be a problem.