Am I just paranoid or should I be worried.

[hopelessagain]

I have been with my fiance for a year and a half.We were both been in long term marriages before getting together.I am currently a stay at home mum.My fiance is a mature student.A girl in his class has become friendly with my fiance and texts and messages him frequently.I have told my fiance that i am not comfortable with this girl and the way that she behaves.(constantly asks him if she looks alright,if she looks big in what shes wearing etc, she apparently even made a comment to my partner about how she must be bigger than me!) Recently I found out that he was arriving early at uni to meet up 'for coffee' with this girl.He tells me that I have nothing to worry about as he loves me, and all he does is sit and listen to her bitching about her life,(she goes through men at an astoninshing rate apparently) I also found out that she was getting close with another bloke in the class and then ended up sleeping with the bloke. Am i just being paranoid and insecure.I love and adore my fiance with my life,but this is begginning to really get to me now.

[steviej]

Only been with him 18months and you're already engaged?

You've told him you're uncomfortable with the situation, he's told you you have nothing to worry about and she's just a friend.
Do you trust him?

[hopelessagain]

I have known him for alot longer. As for do I trust him,I used to,but now I am so confused.I want to trust him,but have so many scenarios in my head that I just dont know anymore.

[bulrush]

OP, it sounds like you do not trust him, but that doesn't mean it's his fault. You could have issues from your past cropping up with this situation. Perhaps there were some experiences in your past which led you to believe that men cannot be trusted. First, you have expressed to him clearly (I hope) that you do not like your bf with this other girl. Out of respect, he should stop "having coffee" with her. That's the bottom line. He should respect your fears and concerns.

Do you think he might want one last fling before getting married? Is the marriage putting pressure on him? Does he look at marriage as "the beginning of the end"? Many guys feel like marriage is a prison and they need one last fling.

[devonbrown]

It doesn't sound like you trust him, even though you say you do. Either that or it is insecurity on your part. Maybe you are thinking about what you would do if you were that other girl. Whatever the case, it is making you doubt your relationship. I would talk to him about it calmly and then you need to take some time to determine if you can live with it the way it is or if it is just going to bother you needlessly.

Frankly though, if you don't trust him, then why are you with him?

Good luck.

[hopelessagain]

Thanks for the advice, I have since had long conversations with my fiance over my feelings.He has apologised so many times about his behaviour and has said that he totally understands how I am feeling and that he just didnt realise that it was affecting me.He also said that if i was to ask him to never speak to this woman ever again then he would happily oblige.I for one would never ask anyone to terminate a friendship, all I ask is that my partenr thinks and puts me first. So far so good, feeling so much happier at the moment........................

[devonbrown]

Glad that things are better now. Communication is the biggest thing in being able to keep a relationship together. There will always be troubles and difficulties, but if you learn how to communicate with your partner, you will have a much better chance of getting through them.

One thing though,

all I ask is that my partner thinks and puts me first.

Your comment here makes me think you are going to have more fights about things like this going forward. You want him to put you first. Just by using the word "first" you are comparing yourself and his actions towards you against others and how he treats others. Whenever you have a comparison like that, there is bound to be some subjectivity in how you see things and thus fights will occur. Be concerned with how he treats you, not that he treats you "better" or anything like that. Just concentrate on your happiness.

Good luck.

[lisapenn]

I can relate to how you feel, on the surface there is nothing going on, but it makes you uneasy inside. It's a bit of a dangerous situation, he obviously likes her, but it doesn't mean that he will ever fall in love with her, or just physically cheat. If you'd like, these are some emotional affair signs you can look for, hope it helps you be less confused. It's from an article referring to marriage, but it applies to any other relationship of course:

"Marriage is built on an emotional connection between two people. When one partner goes outside of marriage to seek fulfillment, whether that fulfillment is sexual or emotional in nature, it means cheating on the marital relationship.

1. If your husband has a truly personal relationship with some intensity, the relationship has probably crossed over to an emotional affair.

2. Sharing private thoughts – If he shares his most private thoughts with someone other than you – this means he is developing an emotional connection.

3. Is he hiding or revealing the extent of the side relationship? Meaning – Does he announce receiving new text messages? Does he tell you what they say? If not – this is a sign of an emotional affair.

4. When you ask him about these little signs – does he get angry and try to blame you for snooping instead of answering your question? If the answer is yes – It means he is feeling guilty and trying to hide the truth shift the attention to you.

Generally, the response from the person who has been “caught” is to argue, “What, you mean I can’t have a friend of the opposite sex?”

Hope this helps and I hope you find there is nothing to worry about