New here....Sad, but making it slowly

[alwayslearning]

Hi everyone! I am so glad that I stumbled upon this board.
It helps to read through some of your stories and know that I'm not alone in feeling sad and confused. I came here for some encouragement and hope to uplift some of you, too.

I was in a relationship for not quite 3 years and it really seemed to click naturally. We started dating and became great friends and then fell in love. Our children from prior marriages loved us being together, too. Even though we had the love, chemistry, and friendship, we had difficulty moving things to the next level because of some unresolved issues in my opinion. At one point in time, he had proposed but I said I wasn't ready because we needed to resolve some issues. I believe our issues were mostly due to his not letting go of his hatred for his ex-wife. He has so much bitterness in his heart and it carried over into our relationship. He has an obsession with money (suggested that he would expect someone to sign a pre-nup if he got married), was very jealous of my ex-husband, very critical about my job (again.. money related because he felt like I wasn't reaching my full potential), and could be somewhat difficult about other issues, too.

This relationship frustrated me in that basically he is a very good guy that was deeply hurt by his ex-wife and is doing everything in his power to protect himself. He has been divorced for a few years now, but his attitude has not changed towards his ex. He was never abusive to me and treated me very well in so many ways. He was very affectionate with me and did a lot of nice things for me while we were together. We were best friends, had a lot of fun, and our love was very deep at one time. I could always see the love in his eyes, but yet I could see the fear and confusion, too.

Long story short, we broke up and got back together a couple of times. Then, recently he called it off again saying "something was missing." I didn't fight it because I refuse to beg him to stay. My friends think he has quite a few issues and that he really did me a favor by letting me go. I am not sure...My heart tells me he made a bad decision. Everyone said he was crazy for letting me go. My friends tell me that I am educated, attractive, honest, caring, and fun so they truly think it was his loss.

The part that hurt the most was when he changed his Facebook status to "in a relationship" about a month after we broke up. He said he met her after we broke up. He never gave me a reason not to trust him while we were together, but it definitely raises suspicion on my end. Although, he has a lot of single friends so I guess there's a chance he could have been introduced to someone. I can also see him rushing into another relationship just to "get over me" and not have to deal with his feelings, but it was so hurtful. I don't know how you can tell someone how much you love them one month and then the next month be with someone else. I guess I am different in that way... I am dating myself, but I am taking things very slowly and have made it known to my dates that I want to be friends first. There are some great guys showing interest in me, but it still hurts not to be with the one who has your heart. All of my dates so far are practically chasing me so it does give me hope and they seem like they have a lot going for them. I had a lunch date on Christmas Eve and that guy said he was so happy that my ex ended things so we had the opportunity to meet. It was a really nice date and he wants to see me again. Tonight, I have another date with someone else that I previously met so we'll see how it goes...

By the way, my ex and I have had NC for 2 months and we are no longer FB friends. What are your thoughts on my situation? Why did he give up on us? My heart feels like we should be together, but I don't think it's fair to put my life on hold for someone that I think doesn't know what he wants. There's not a doubt in my heart that he doesn't think of me regularly (even if the new woman is still around). Our love was too deep to forget that quickly. We really had a unique connection and it baffles me that we are not together.

Thanks for listening! It's nice to get some of these feelings off my chest.
Happy New Year!

[w3llborn]

yes, these forums help me aswell get through the pain. it is good to talk about what you have gone through and realize that you are not alone. and it is amazing how fast they move on, me and my gf were together for almost 2 years and in only 2 weeks she already has a new bf. it amazes me and makes me very suspicious that they were not more than just "close" friends before we broke up. and yes deleting him as a friend on facebook is a good idea and i really should do it aswell. now that i see all these new pics she is posting with her new guy and all her happy status updates, it is really making it hard for me to forget her and move on.

[kez73]

It's hard to say why things like that happen. I had a slightly similar situation where my ex was very bitter towards his exwife (cheating) and his long time gf after that (also cheating). But he was such a loving person to me, it was like a dream. We lived very far apart but managed to make it work for over a year and a half. I was so excited, but kept myself in check most of that time. I too had bad pasts with everyone cheating on me and I was cautious for a long time. But he gave me a 'promise' ring and our next visit together was just as great as all the others and I finally let myself hope and believe that this was finally IT. I had found someone that matched me amazingly. He had booked his next trip to see me right after getting back from the last and I was like WOW! It felt so wonderful to have someone that wanted to be with me and my kids so badly, he was willingly to do so much to be with us. I started telling my friends that I did want to marry him and was thrilled. We had even discussed where we might get married, and he told at least two of my friends when and where he was planning to propose to me (I found this out after we split).

We split up? What? YES --- imagine this --- he shows up at my door for a planned surprise visit that he worked out with two of my friends. They were so excited to be part of this Master Plan. But something happened shortly before the trip and he actually showed up to end things. I was totally floored and taken aback. Utter shock doesn't even come close to how I felt. My friends were devastated because right up til the day before the flight, he did not let them know what happened. He hinted at it to one, she sent me his email after we split so I could see for myself. But even in that email he kept saying he loved me. It was such a confusing time that 3 years later, it still creeps into my mind sometimes, wondering what went on.

He told me he loved me, held my hand, took me out to lunches, dinners, breakfasts, etc while we were in the short process of splitting up. It was the longest 4 days of my life! He swore up down and backwards that he had not met someone closer to home. I asked him about one particular woman he had met 6 weeks earlier and he went so far as to tell me he could never be with her cos #1 she was best friends with his stepmum who he could hardly stand, #2 she had a much older son than my kids plus two more, and #3 she had the exact same name as his exwife (spelling and everything) and he hated that woman so much, he would not want to say this other woman's name with love. Ever.

Well that all made sense to me but I still had a gut feeling about it. He left and that was the last I ever saw of him. He actually left telling me he was still confused and that we would 'speak soon'. I didn't even know we had officially split up to be honest. I didn't know what was going on. He gave me my house key and left, but that was right after telling me he felt that we were 'meant to be'. so yeah - I was lost.

Turns out that several months later, I discover after talking a wee bit with his sister that he not only was dating the very woman I was suspicious of, they already lived together and were buying a new house. HUH? The same woman he gave me a laundry list of reasons not to like, the same woman he swore he could never be with. It seems he was lying to me all that time and I had NO idea. He seemed so sincere. And they count their relationship as starting when they very first met! 6 weeks before he came to break things off with me. And that entire time he was telling me he loved me, doing everything he normally did, still planning the surprise visit with my friends, and in fact 2 weeks before we split up is when he emailed my friend and told her he was going to propose to me when he took the kids and I to Disney the next year. But that whole time he was seeing another woman. ????? Confusing and strange - totally!

Anyway I told you my long story because of several things - first off so you don't feel alone in wondering how these things could happen. they do happen, and who the heck knows why. But secondly - to tell you what I learned.... I learned that despite how wonderful things seemed, he was obviously not the person I thought he was. I would not want to waste my time with someone who could cheat and lie to me so well that I had no clue what was going on. I wouldn't want to be with someone who could hurt me so badly and then be a coward and not tell me the whole truth. If he had told me everything, I would have been able to move on. But instead, I was left with his mother and step mother writing me letters asking what the heck happened (cos they had no clue either). It was ME who told his stepmum that I thought something might be going on with her best friend and him, I really don't think she knew. And his mom told me she had only seen him once in 2 months and he would not talk to her about it, only saying that we split up and it was all his fault. She wrote me the loveliest letter and I still have it in my keepsake box. At least SHE was gracious about the whole thing lol.

But despite how I felt when we were together, he is not that person. There was a side to him I did not know existed - a hurtful cowardly side and I don't need that in my life. So maybe you can think of it that way as well. Maybe this guy was ALMOST the right person, but not quite. I believe in fighting for what you want - but that does not mean throwing yourself at their feet or sitting around waiting for them to come back. I actually ended up meeting someone else that lived closer to me before I found out about my ex and that woman. It made me feel good to know that I moved forward on my own, not because I wanted to get back at my ex and bounce into another relationship. While he was moving in with someone else maybe a month or two later, I was taking time for ME and getting to know myself again. I waited 7 months before looking around to see who else might be out there. Now we live together and have a little boy. Who knew life could send such curve balls?

[lahnnabell]

He has so much bitterness in his heart and it carried over into our relationship. He has an obsession with money (suggested that he would expect someone to sign a pre-nup if he got married), was very jealous of my ex-husband, very critical about my job (again.. money related because he felt like I wasn't reaching my full potential), and could be somewhat difficult about other issues, too.

These are some giant red flags. You mention his "obsession with money" in such a way that it seems like you two had different financial priorities. Being in sync financially is very important for a couple that shares expenses and is planning on getting married. To top it off, t can be a little nerve-wracking to sign a pre-nup because it brings up feelings of distrust. I hope he didn't just assume you were supposed to sign something without the two of you discussing it at length first.

He had trust issues. Did he attempt to address any of these issues, or did you try to work them out together? How did his jealousy manifest? Would he get visibly frustrated and angry?

Critical of your job. No no no. I can understand wanting your loved one to excel, but being critical is not a proactive, and positive way to inspire that. Knocking your profession is insulting and embarrassing for you regardless of his motivation for doing it.

[chrisy]

There's not a doubt in my heart that he doesn't think of me regularly (even if the new woman is still around). Our love was too deep to forget that quickly. We really had a unique connection and it baffles me that we are not together.

This puzzles me because I hear it so often and yet it is not logical. The mistake that we make when in love is to assume that the person feels exactly as we do, and based on that assumption, we speak for the object of our affection. Instead of saying, "I loved him so deeply", we say, "we loved each other so deeply", etc..

The truth is, if he felt as you do, he would not have been able to stay away from you and be in a relationship with another woman. If the connection was was so unique, he would not have been able to move on so easily. We can only claim our own feelings and the other person's "consistent" actions tell us about their feelings. Unfortunately, loving someone does not guarantee that our feelings will be reciprocated. This is a sad truth of love.

Move on and choose to be with someone who truly loves you. Life is much too short to waste it grieving or yearning for someone who chooses to be with another.

[IncognitoSir]

Unfortunately, it takes a lot longer for some of us to get on with things after loss love. For others, it can be an rather easy task to move on. I just broke up with my first love last night and I could only imagine what you may be going thru now. I think you should start looking to the future rather than focusing so much on the past. Your love for him runs very deep, according to his recent actions, his love may not have been as deep as thought it was. Or maybe he's hurting equally as bad as you and is just making an attempt to move on or deal with not being wiht you. either way you have to focus all this energy on yourself now. Gluck

[alwayslearning]

He manifested his jealously by complaining or putting time into things that were none of his business. He monitored how his ex-wife and her new husband were using the money she got from their divorce (trips, new car, boat, etc.) even though it is HER money now. He showed insecurity in the fact that my ex-husband and I can get along, have a friendly conversation on the phone, and not put each other down in front of our child. We have always been mature about keeping our disagreements private, but he views this cordial relationship as meaning something more since my ex-h openly has regrets about our divorce. I have never wanted to reconcile with my ex-h for certain reasons so there was no basis for him to feel any threat. Not to mention, I was deeply in love with him, not my ex-husband.

I agree with the statement that maybe his love was not as deep, but I think he truly felt the same way for a very long time. My gut feeling is he never got past me turning down his initial proposal for marriage. I turned him down because we needed to work some issues out, not because I didn't want to be with him (and I explained to him it was too soon). Obviously, after divorce, I am being cautious and wanted to have my ducks in a row so to speak.

[lahnnabell]

This man is very immature. He had a previous marriage that did not work, and so it would behoove him to enter a new marriage or long-term commitment cautiously. Judging from your feelings for him, I'm sure you made it clear to him that you care for him very much. So his interpretation of your marriage refusal is his own warped insecure version he decided he'd cling to out of spite. Look at how spiteful he is toward his ex wife.

You dodged a bullet with this guy. Imagine how it must feel to be in his ex-wife's place. She must have a hell of a time trying to field his nosy interrogations and get on with her new life. And she can never fully move on because she has a kid with this dude.

[cmacattack1]

I'm glad you didn't beg. I get angry at myself for doing it in my last relationship (keep in mind I'm 23). I will never understand why I thought it would be a good idea to let emotion take complete control, and although my ex did it too during our relationship, it's really sad to be so desparate about something. It's a turnoff and love isn't desparation.

Now, the break ups and getting back together. There is something very wrong with that. I'm guessing he was the one to initiate it since he was the one to leave you in the end. When the break up happens the first time, I'm guessing it was maybe over a heated argument or a blowout, no matter how impulsive it seemed that should seriously concern you. The fact that somebody can do that on a whim and then taking advantage of the love you have for them to get back together with a quick I'm sorry is not healthy or mature. I used to do that when I was 19 and the end result of getting back together out of fear or lonliness is not what relationships are based on. You can guess how this one panned out: on and off until I got so sick I cut it off for good. I took advantage of the genuine love she had for me and it's horrifying to do that to somebody. I think that was what happened to you. It actually scares me that I could be so callous and disregard with somebody's feelings. I guess that is the definition of self interest or selfishness.

Being the dumpee is tough, because it's never something you both want. It's good and healthy to be out on your own and taking it slow, standing on your own two feet again. The dumper always feels like they are right, they won, you didn't make him happy and that he was right for doing it. It gives a false sense of confidence and while that may have helped him meet his new girl, more likely than not karma will come back around. The girl I met after I was a selfish asshole had my heart and I was pulling the same tricks with her that I did with the ex before and she kicked my ass to the curb very quick and now here I am stuck wishing I learned from my prior mistakes and full of regret. If it makes you feel any better, that will probably happen to him too.

Basing that on my experience and others I've seen, he did not feel the same way you felt for him. That's unfortunate but it is what it is. It hurts but the fact that you found this with somebody means that there are people out there that you can have this with. I just hope for you that it does work out for the better.

Be careful about that guy saying he's so glad you guys broke up so he could meet you. He sounds like he's putting the smooth moves on you. Just kidding.