4 year relationship and the year after the breakup

[TikiStyles]

Ok so I am gonna try to keep this as simple as possible without leaving anything major out. I am 26 year old male I started dating my ex about 5 years ago now when I was 21 and she was 18. For the first couple years of our relationship she was definately more invested in the relationship then I was and to be honest I did not treat her the best. When we first started dating I was a drug user, but as our relationship progressed I left these problems behind me. She helped me battle my drug addictions in several way and was always supportive. As I got over the drugs the problem is I didn't know how to live without them. I sat around all day playing video games and sleeping until the late afternoon. I always knew it bothered my ex, but it wasn't until the end that I found out just how much it bothered her.

Moving forward... towards the end of the relationship we started to go through the motions. We weren't have sex much and hardly spent any time together other then watching tv. The truth is I was very depressed with where my life was and was very selfish in the way I acted. So about a year ago seemingly out of no where my ex came home and dumped me one day (looking back I could have seen it coming). We only talked about it for 5 minutes and boom 4 years it was over. Because of our situations we were forced to live with eachother post breakup for the next 2 months. Me being the stubborn jerk I am totally acted like I didn't care and did nothing to try to fix the situation. She started to move on quickly and found other guys keep her occupied. At the end of the 2 months when we were finally moving out I made a stand and tried to win her back only to fail miserably.

Jump forward another 3 months. We talk very rarely I have become a total wreck over her, but actually had started to turn the rest of my life around. She, however has gone the exact opposite direction. She is way over me, but her life is starting to go down hill from the constant partying. I start to become her crutch she texts me occationally when shes lonely and uses our dog we had together as an excuse to see me or talk to me. We slowly start to rebuild our friendship from scratch. Things are going pretty well until about 3 months ago when I totally lost it and told her I couldn't talk to her or see her anymore. She reluctantly agreed. I lasted all of 2 weeks not talking to her and broke down and texted her. I know this made me look very weak, but thats neither here nor there now. We started talking very occationally again like before, but things never seemed to go anywhere.

About a month ago the craziest thing happened. I was going to her house to play with my old dog. She was not there and did not know I was coming, I usually just texted her roomate when I was gonna come see the dog while my ex was at work. When I arrived at her house her roomate and friend we freaking out because they didn't know where she was. I quickly took control of the situation and figured out that she had been arrested for DUI. Since it was a Friday when it happened and was a holiday weekend she was going to be in jail until tuesday if she was not bailed i decided to be the hero and bail her out. When I got her out she was absolutly exstatic. It was like everything had changed and I was the greatest guy on earth again. This last for the next couple weeks. One of the times I saw her she even blurted out "I love you" just as we were leaving. Another time she broke down saying how she didn't know what she wanted or if she could ever really forgive me for how i treated her. Everything seemed great, but of course it was all too good to be true. As the weeks wore on she slowly started to push me away again. Basically only calling me if she needs something.

This brings me to today. She still sends me pictures of her doing her modeling (very revealing/sexy pictures) we still hangout sometimes and when we do everything is amazing. I know she has feelings for me, but it seems like she is unwilling to let go of her freedom she has being single. Her life is pretty much in shambles rights now between DUI/Crashing her car/Finances etc... I try to be supportive, but at times I know she is trying to use me.

So my question is this: What do I do? Am i just totally delusional and getting played? I feel like I would know if she was faking her emotions and thats not what it feels like to me. Its like everytime we get close to reconnecting she forces me away again. We been doing the same song and dance for a year now. I haven't directly said anything about getting back together in a long time, and everytime she brings up the past and being upset about it I always jsut appologize and try to convey how far I have come since we were together. I want to be with her and I understand she missed out on alota fun by being in a serious relationship from 18-22, but I feel like im sitting around waiting when all I am is a backup plan to her. Is there anything I can do to get to the root of this? Should I try to tell her again that I want to be with her? Should I ask her what I am to her? I dunno I'm obviously lost or I wouldn't be posting this on the internet (I've never done anything like this before).

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. I know its alot to read and I appreciate your time and help. If you have any other questions about our relationship that might help u help me just ask!

[michelle23]

It doesn't sound like she is doing any of this to hurt you. She sounds confused, not sure what she wants but that is no excuse to be all self destructive and making a mess of her life.

I suggest you stop contact with her and give it a month. If you hear nothing from her-you need to accept its over. If you do hear from her-tell her you want a straight answer. Is there hope for you and her or not? Yes or no. Don't leave until you get an answer.

Shes making it sound like all the problems in your relationship are your fault and it is never one persons fault. She chose to stay and work through your addiction-that was her choice so she cannot hold that against you. Also getting into a comfy rut and going through the motions is both of your fault-not just yours.

It takes two people to make a relationship work. Communication is very important so issues/conflict can be resolved and not left there to build up resentment etc.

She cant forgive you for how you treated her?? What did you do that was so bad? Nowhere in there is there talk of cheating, killing someone or being violent or abusive towards her so playing the victim does not cut it here..

Good luck

[michelle23]

Also she is being very unfair by keeping you dangling. Its either over for good or its not. I recommend you stop wasting your time and try to move on.

[TikiStyles]

Michelle thank you for you reply! I agree that she is being unfair by keeping me dangling! I have tried the no contact thing before it doesn't work. Its like she has a 6th sense for what she can text me to get me talking to her. Within a few days she realizes I have stopped talking to her and will give me just enough to get me back on the hook only take it all away again.

Basically I was abusive in our relationship in the sense that I totally neglected her. There were points in our relationship that I acted almost as if she didn't exist. This girl did EVERYTHING for me! I was living like a total slob and she cleaned up after me, cooked every meal for me, drove me around, etc etc... All this with zero thanks from me. In 4 years we only fought maybe 3-4 times about anything major mostly because she refused to talk about things that bothered her and I was too stupid to realize how much something was bothering her.

Part of me feels like she wants to get back together, but just not yet..? I've tried the whole ultimatum thing before and it blew up in my face. My instincts tell me if I wait long enough we will get back together, but what if I'm wrong? I feel like while I'm waiting for her I don't seriously consider any new girls I meet.

[michelle23]

I think a year is long enough to wait. Has she given you hope? Or has she made it clear its over?