huge insecurities about relationship...how to handle them?

[peace.fairy]

Hello all,

I have been in a relationship with a guy from work for about 3,5 months. though we have a much longer history. we've known each other for about 1,5 years. for the first 6 months or so we've been kind of friends with benefits, though I have always liked him more. Then 'the benefits' faded away but we still remained good friends. Then he started being jealous when I met someone else. Then we decided to 'see if there can be something more between us' - that ended after a week by his initiative. Then I didn't speak to him for about a month, cuz I was too hurt. Then we made up and he said he's in love with me and we were together for real that time. Though it still didn't feel 'real'. After two weeks I went on a two week trip with friends and when I came back he broke up with me. I again broke all contact with him and we didn't speak for about a month. When we started speaking to each other again (on a work Christmas party) it was like talking to a long lost best friend. We started hanging out a lot together and eventually he told me he wants to be with me for real this time and to make it right now. So we have been together ever since (december 30).

Knowing all this history - how he broke up with me twice before - it is probably natural that I have insecurities about our relationship?
And what they are is basically every time something's up with him I am afraid he will leave me. Even though he said numerous times that he loves me and he even said he would never leave me. And we had three major fights that all could be reasons to break up with and he still didn't break up with me. Once I even lied to him (I am terribly ashamed of that..) and he found out and still didn't leave me. Even though he said lying is one of the worst things.... So there isn't really much foundation to think he will break up with me, but still I find myself very often being afraid of that.

for example - he's been really tired for a few days from work and he's got some other things going on and he says he needs a week of just lying on the beach and doing nothings because he is "so tired and morally exhausted from work and all the routine" - and I immediately think he is probably tired of me too. And we went for lunch together and he didn't hold my hand like he always does after lunch and I asked if I could help him somehow he said he'll be ok. And I wish he would say something like 'just hug me and hold me..' I know I know - it's silly to think so...

I know I could just ask him - if something's wrong - but he will just say it's all good. And couple months ago it was a similar situation and I did tell him about how I feel - that it seems like somethings bothering him and I feel like he's bored with me or something and he assured me that it's all ok and then later told me that was a very repulsive behaviour from me - imagining that something's wrong and seeking assurance form him that it's ok. And I am not going to do it again. But I have to do something. I am driving myself insane with these thoughts.

[My Coffee Cup]

Be careful. We have had a guy from New Zealand abusing us for a few years. Please add him to your ignored users list.

[TheEvilJester]

Is this the same guy from your posts late last year? I think the last time that particular thread was active had been in November. We are only a few months removed from that. At the time (November) I saw that the latest was that he'd left you again after claiming he was in it "for real" this time.

To be 100% honest with you, from that moment my personal advice would have been to leave this guy in your past once and for all. It is one thing if he gave it a go once and found you two didn't work out. That happens. But he apparently has done this on several occasions now. At that point, I find it hard believing he is sincere.

Had you come to us before, my personal advice would have been not to take him back. I wouldn't tell you that is what you must do (it is your life, not mine) I would have just suggested that I personally would think that is best. You two ARE back together, though. Furthermore, it sounds like he hasn't given you any reason to truly think he isn't serious this time.

Though, think about it this way.... the other few times he was "serious" about you and then just up and left you... were there obvious signs you ignored, or maybe just subtle clues like you seem to think you are seeing now? I only ask because maybe the same insecurities and doubts you are having now were similar to what you experienced then. If so, why would you expect the end result would be anything different?

Now, I was not present for your discussion with him. I can't know the specifics behind HOW you handled the conversation when you asked him if things were okay between you two. Or, for that matter, how often you may have brought it up. Because that certainly CAN be an unattractive trait, and can drive somebody away, if you are constantly insecure about whether you can trust them. ....Especially if they've never given you any reason to doubt them. That's the first problem right there. He's given you PLENTY of reasons to doubt him. If anything, he should be bending over backwards to reassure you and make you feel comfortable that he means what he says this time. HE is the one he screwed up. He needs to act like he understands what he did was wrong and truly wants to correct it. Sure, if he truly sticks to it, he eventually deserves the benefit of the doubt. If he truly proves trust-worthy then eventually he deserves somebody who will trust him. The thing is, so far his actions haven't necessarily proven that.

Instead, for sharing your feelings with him (an important part of any relationship) he's belittling you and trying to make you seem like the bad guy. This doesn't show me he's matured AT ALL. This doesn't leave me confident he has changed for the better.

I don't want to just make you more uncertain. I hate that I have to deliver such a negative opinion... but I just don't see how he can expect you to feel this time will be any different. He may say it is, but his actions certainly aren't supporting it. If it were me, I think I would have to end things. That, at least, would be my personal suggestion. There's just too much hurt from your history with him. I don't see how you could ever get past that, especially when he does nothing to help. Instead he treats you like you are just supposed to magically get over it. He acts like he's done nothing wrong.

My personal advice would be that you deserve so much better. That if he can't BE that better, some other guy WILL BE some day. It is NEVER a bad idea to work on your own self-improvement. So, if you CAN work to fix some of your insecurities that would be awesome. Thing is, you shouldn't have to do so with somebody who only reinforces them.

If you truly do want to try to make this work, I guess I'd just say try to balance your insecurities as best you can. To rationalize somewhat. It's not easy to do, but it is a skill you can grow.... to better understand your own insecurities. To better realize when it is more likely that you are worrying yourself over nothing (or elevating concerns that aren't as bad as they are in your own mind) and when your concerns are legit. Believe me (I know from experience) it isn't easy, but you can get better at it.

In addition to that, I would also suggest being able to stand up for yourself when you deem it necessary. If there come times where you feel you two DO need to talk, you should be able to do so. To me, the fact that he has made you feel like you can't come to him when you need to is a major mistake on his part. Yes, if you are TOO insecure it could ultimately drive away even the best/most patient and caring person.... but it seems like he barely even lets you come to him at all without just treating you like you are over-reacting. How is that EVER going to help you to understand when you ARE over-reacting or when you legitimately do have things to discuss?

I truly wish you the absolute best. If it is what you wish, then I hope that will ultimately include him after all. But, more than that I hope you find acceptance in yourself. I do hope you find love with somebody who treats you the way you deserve (whether that turns out to be him or not). But I much more hope you find peace and happiness within yourself. So that you don't NEED love to be happy... but maybe still want it anyway.

Best of luck to you! You definitely do deserve better. MAYBE he can be that better... but if not you do not deserve to be trapped with somebody who only sabotages your happiness.

[peace.fairy]

I just wrote a huge post as a reply to yours and then somehow i got logged out and logged back in and lost it all…But I will write you again, since it’s eating me alive now - you took time from your life to write me - someone you don’t even know - reply. And you genuinely told your opinion and tried to help me. And remembering all those other replies you’ve written to me. You have helped me more on this than any of my friends ever did. I can’t THANK YOU enough for that.

So first of all - yes, it’s the same guy I talked about in November. Since then we made up and we’re back together now. )))))) i really wanna tell you all about it, cuz I feel like you’ve been with me through all the pain and tears and now I want to share the good parts with you too.

It IS really different this time. Even he said so himself that now he is different. And his actions prove that. He does a lot for me. And he is a difficult person - he tends to light up when he’s annoyed and anxious and he sometimes doesn’t get a hold of himself and starts being rude to me in those moments. But then he immediately regrets it and shows that - becomes so sweet and overly kind… He is working with himself a lot on this and I can clearly see an improvement. We still have our ups and downs - we had three fights since we’ve been together. We officially became a couple on december 30th. Even though from the first day of Christmas I knew we’ll be together. Ever since we started talking to each other again on office Christmas party (beginning of December) we became very close right away. We would meet up after work, go for walks, smoke together again, we talked a lot like two best friends who haven’t seen each other for years… On Christmas when I opened a present from my parents my first thought was ‘I want to show this to him’ (even though at that time I was briefly dating some other guy) and he said he had the same thought when he opened his present froths parents. And everything just showed how much we miss each other and how important we are to one another. We exchanged gifts on Christmas and spend an entire evening at his place just talking about how we miss each other and love each other. He said already then that he wants to be with me, but he knew I was dating someone else, so we didn’t do anything…. And then I wrote him a letter, saying that I want to be with him too, but that I am afraid because of our past and he reassured me that I have nothing to be afraid of. And honestly since then he proved me that it is true. Numerous times he said things to prove me that, but I know that actions speak louder than words, so I will just tell you what he did to prove that.

Those three fights that we had were big ones. I was mostly responsible for two of them. And I wouldn’t have been surprised if he left me after any of them. One was very stupid, but still he said that if it was anyone else he would leave after stuff like that.
The other one was horrible. We had a fight at lunch and then didn’t speak to each other the whole day and after work I went to a bar to see and old friend (a guy friend) next day we talked and sorted it all out and he asked me what I did last night and I didn’t tell him about seeing that guy. He really is just an old friend and I didn’t cheat or anything like that and there’s really no reason for me to hide this from him and I don’t even know why I did so. I felt horrible right away and he asked me about that night several more times and I kept hiding from him that I met that friend. Turned out he new about it and he knew I lied. He told me before that lying is the second biggest reason for leaving someone. But even then he still stayed with me…

He recently bought an apartment. The first time he went to look at it he went with his dad, to check out constructions and stuff. The next day he went to look at the apartment again before deciding for sure to buy it and he asked me to come with him. He really wanted to know what I think about it and he even asked how I feel about that place and we joked around about where my room was gonna be….

I also already met his parents. We ho to their place quite often - to watch the game with his father or to eat dinner with them. His sister invited both of us to her wedding and he also met my parents… And more often than not it seems like we’ve been together for far more than 3.5 months…We spend almost every night of the week together. Ever since we became a couple I have spend maybe 3 nights at my own home. It\s never like that to either of us when we are 3 months into a relationship..

We are also planning on starting our own studio and moving into a van a traveling while working together. And not just day dreaming about it - we have an entire list of all the things needed for this and he already called to a dealer to ask about a van and to a few institutions to find out about all the requirements for such thing…

So it’s really serious this time and leaving him is not an option. Turns out all that worry I had was totally over nothing - just my irrational overthinking mind. I want to learn to deal with it so I don’t drive myself crazy. It’s not like I can’t talk to him about it, but I realise how repulsing it might be when someone was this insecure.. So I would like to work it out myself and learn to deal with it.

[My Coffee Cup]

Welcome back, peace.fairy. Can you tell your friends about this forum? We need regular members again, as forums like this are in danger of dying off.

[TheEvilJester]

All of that is great, peace.fairy... but it doesn't change the fact that it doesn't sound like he handled it well at times when you have come to him. Again, I was not there to witness your interactions with him, so I don't really know. Maybe there was something in the way you came to him about your insecurities and doubts, or maybe you did it too often. In either of those cases I could understand that beginning to be frustrating for him and it being difficult for him to handle it well.

But it's not just that. You are still only a few months removed from him saying he was "for real" this time, then just dumping you like it meant nothing. I'm sorry, but at this point he should expect a little insecurity and paranoia from you. He's the cause of it. It wasn't even the first time he did that to you, either. He's done this too you several times.

So, yeah, as much as I do agree you should learn to balance your insecurities better.... he should still be more understanding. You say that you CAN come to him when you need to talk about these things, but it certainly doesn't sound that way. Not by the way you described how he acted when you did.

Again, I do love hearing all the nice things you mention in your latest update. All of that is great. So hopefully he truly HAS changes and that will last. Hopefully it won't just wind up being the same thing all over again. It certainly sounds like he's trying.

If it truly does work this time, if he's truly changed/is changing... then I think it time it will be easier for you to get past your insecurities. I mean, what better way to get past them than to see the actual tangible proof that your concerns were wrong? It won't be easy... but in time you will get better, little by little.

Hopefully you can do that while still in this relationship. But it is really important for you to focus on you. I'm not saying you have to leave him to do that. You can focus on yourself and on getting better even while still being in a relationship. I'm just saying, IF you can't seem to focus on your own journey while also in a relationship..... or if he truly only makes it worse..... then you really do deserve better.

It sounds like it is going well for now, so for the time being I will just wish you more good times. But, please care enough about yourself to know if/when it may be better off getting yourself out of a situation that isn't helping you. Hopefully this won't be one of those times, but if it is or becomes one, you need to care enough about yourself enough to do what is right for you even if it may be hard.

Best of luck. I'm happy if I've been able to help even just a little, so I appreciate your kind words. I do try to help. I sometimes wish there was more I could do, but I'm just a faceless nobody on the interwebs.

[tricks]

Very thoughtful and comprehensive reply, TheEvilJester.