My 'boyfriend' wants to be friends before lovers??!! It's driving me crazy!!!

[tropigal82]

Help I need advice!!! I am soooo CONFUSED!!! OK so this is the situation...

I've been dating this wonderful, caring, intelligent, gorgeaus guy for 5 months now. We actually used to know each other as children but we had lost touch over the years. We are both now 27, and it was he who did the 'chasing' - at first I was not that interested in him, as I had already had my heart broken a few months earlier (maybe I was on damage limitation!!!) so I acted quite cool. Even though he kissed me several times I still thought nothing of it. Then by about the 4th date I suddenly realised I had fallen for him, and things got really REALLY intense between us in terms of chemistry. It was like electric when we were togethor. He was VERY affectionate, always kissing me and hugging me and I truly felt swept off my feet. HOWEVER, every time we were in bed and things started happening, but always stopped before they got any further. I was confused by this, because everything else seemed to be getting quite serious - he had introduced me to his parents and family, and vice versa. But then the days running up to xmas he was acting a bit aloof and not so affectionate, and eventually he started saying how "he wanted to take two steps backwards, and take things slow, and he didn't want to make things sexual between us yet, because he 'respects me' and he would rather be friends before we become lovers... and that all his previous relationships have been destructive (one of his ex-gf's used to beat him violently, another one was a bad influence drugs & alcohol abuse etc...) , (whereas I don't drink, smoke or take drugs) anyway he said that 'this time things are different' and that he doesn't want to 'ruin it'... he also said he doesn't want to commit to a relationship yet, (which makes me a bit sad because we are so good for each other.) I was so confused after this, as on the one hand I feel happy to take things slow, I wish I could know what he really feels for me.

I absolutely adore him but I am scared that I will be waiting for something that might never happen. His signals are confusing, on the one hand he talks to me about plans for the future, like how many children he wants to have and where he wants to settle down build a home etc, he calls me a 'domestic goddess' (I love cooking) and he is still phoning me and texting me everyday, and he still wants to spend every weekend togethor, he'll say very caring things and seems to know me so well (better than anyone else....) HOWEVER when we hang out now (are we still even dating???!!!) he seems to keep me at arms length and doesn't hold my hand or kiss me on the lips... and he will let me sleep in his bed but still will not make love to me, I can understand that he wants to take it slow, but seriously it's like torture, because even though I've slept with guys before, this is the first time I've REALLY really wanted a guy to make love to me.... and having him lying next to me "look, but don't touch" its driving me CRAZY!!!! I'm confused, and wondering, is he being truthful, is it just that he is emotionally scarred by previous relationships and genuinely wants to take things slow, or is there something else that is holding him back, like is he interested in someone else, or is he gay? I dont think he is gay because he does get turned on when I have touched and kissed him in the past. I know its stupid to think these things but sometimes when you're so confused and you start to get a bit paranoid??! Does anyone have any thoughts or advice?

But it seems like he has totally put a wall up around himself!!! I'm so confused.... I just dont know what to say to him without pushing him away, I love him and dont want to lose him we had such a good thing going and now I feel stuck in limbo!!!

I dont know what to do! Any advice???

[Spring Haze]

You may want to express to him exactly how you feel, how much this is frustrating you. Had you two not had any physical contact, the situation would be different. Now that he's given you a taste for it, your frustration is even more pronounced than it would be had you not done anything.

Don't be accusatory though if you decide to express your feelings. It would probably be a good idea to not see him as much, if at all until he figures things out. That decision depends on what is worse - being driven crazy, or not seeing him.

[tropigal82]

Thanks for the advice. Yes well I thought maybe he needs some space, which is fine, so I decided not to initiate any contact (no texts or phonecalls) but he still keeps initiating contact, so even when I try to not contact him, he still contacts me.... and also it would be really hard not to see him as we always have a nice time togethor.

But I think I will definately try and tell him how I feel next time I see him, although I know I'll get emotional and start blubbing.... which might seem scary for him, I don't know....

Its like as you say, he gave me a taste of something wonderful and then took it away abruptly, its all very well taking 2 steps back but my I can't make my feelings go 2 steps back

[lahnnabell]

Plan out what you want to say. It helps me to write things down or at least rehearse it with a friend so that I can rework stuff. I tend to ramble if I talk off the top of my head, and then I digress, and the whole discussion becomes pointless.

It's good that you want to come from a place of understanding. Too many women jump the gun and get accusatory which then causes their men to shut down and not want to deal with this situation. If you show you can be cool and level-headed, it makes everything feel a bit better. He will also know that you are in control of yourself emotionally and this is very important for many men. Most don't like dealing with consistently volatile women.

[UnnamedSong]

Just a possibility, but do you know if he is a virgin? Or even just inexperienced? I just ask because you mentioned that things were great until you'd get in bed and things started happening. I can't speak for every guy, but the first time, ESPECIALLY if it's with someone you like a lot/love is really... scary. He might actually be really scared. You might just need to calmly, and un-accusingly, talk to him about things. The fact that he still talks to you daily, wants to spend every weekend together, and gives every sign that he cares for you are good. Don't jump to him possibly being gay or anything like that, you need to stay calm about it.

You'll never know, until you bring it up. Whatever it is, it can't be worked on until you guys can talk about it! It doesn't sound like he's going anywhere. It might make him uncomfortable to talk, but if he cares like it seems he does from what you say, he'll not run away You don't go from calling/texting a girl everyday, wanting to spend every weekend with her, and showing affection and care in some way, to leaving her just because she asked you what's going on

[tropigal82]

Thanks for your advice <Unnamedsong> I don't think he is a virgin (I would be amazed, afterall he is extremely attractive and gets alot of female attention, although I dont think he knows how handsome he is). And he is 27. I could be wrong of course.

His excuse for not having sex with me is that in past he's found that pyschologically the minute that he has sex with someone he loses interest in them (i.e the game is over, the conquest completed) and so therefore he's never really wanted to be in a proper relationship before. So he is saying that "he knows what he is like" and thats why he doesn't want to have sex with me and then suddenly lose interest.

But I don't know if this is the truth or just an excuse, afterall surely its just a choice.... if someone is right for you then surely you can overcome these pyschological obstacles??? Part of me feels flattered and respected, but part of me feels a bit rejected, as if I am not sexy or attractive enough to incite his passion. I'm a red-blooded female with a high sex drive and I only have to look at him to get horny!!! It's so frustrating and I can feel all this sexual tension building up inside me!!! Meanwhile I have various guys asking me out on dates and even though I am not that interested in them, I'm worried that the sexual frustration will build up to such a level that I will end up using one of these men for sex, even though I don't want to, and I'd feel like I was betraying my "boyfriend" even though we are technically not in a relationship, and for all I know he could be discharging his sexual energy elsewhere with other women.

I know it sounds paranoid, but is it really possible for a guy to go without sex for several months, surely he must be getting some action somewhere!!!

Sorry if I sound like a nymphomaniac!!! The fustration is unbearable! I do love him and I don't want to pressure him, I'm happy to wait as long as he needs, but I at least need some reassurance and affection... otherwise I will feel like a puppy forever waiting for that juicy bone(r) that never comes. LOL

[kai]

His ex used to beat him? Ouch.

I think you've to reassure him that everything will be alright after sex. Nothing will change. Maybe he has some sexual problems. I think you've to to gain his trust fully so that he can open himself to you. There is something which has not come out yet.

[Wiredbomb0]

"is it really possible for a guy to go without sex for several months"

Yes and no, it really depends on the person.

"surely he must be getting some action somewhere"

That's pretty bad if you're thinking that, don't you think?

From the sounds of it, it seems you both are 'sexually incompatible' (god, I love the phrase!). Sex is rather large part of a relationship (not 100% of the relationship), and you both have to been intune with each other's needs.

If you feel like you arn't getting enough; speak to him! It doesn't have to be sex, but tell him that you need some reassurance and affection; if he's smart enough, he'll know how to fix that Communication is vital!

"otherwise I will feel like a puppy forever waiting for that juicy bone(r) that never comes. LOL"

And you can't wait to sink your teeth in? (giggles)

I know what you mean, but there is no point trying to rush things along, because that will make things worse. If you take things slowly, the rewards are much better!

As for another note, it seems to me, that he might not trust you fully yet (and it seems that you don't trust him enough).

Wishing you the best of luck!

-Wired

[shheadz]

A lot of this doesn't make any sense. Do guys lose interest in a girl after "conquering" her? Sure, but I've never done it like that with a girl I was actually interested in. And I wouldn't date someone for 5 months if I wasn't interested in them.

Just curious, but what you say he's more introverted or extroverted? He's he quiet, or outgoing?

[sookie6]

What he says about loosing interest once the relationship becomes physical is worrying. If this is true maintaining a long term relationship with him might prove impossible.

This particular view on sex would make me feel insecure. I would not know how to address this because while you are waiting you are becoming more and more attached to him. I think you should start a physical relationship asap with the chance that it might ruin what you have now. At least you will know where you stand...
Or on the other hand you could end it now cos it is already quite complicated and my experience shows that long term relationships are straightforward from the start (2 people falling for each other and creating a speacial bond ).

I know am not helping much but this is the first time I hear of such problem. If you don't mind me saying so...I think what he feels about sex in the relationship is F...ed up!

The guy has issues.

Somehow I don't believe his explanation: losing interest once the relationship gets phyasical.
Dont you think there is a possibility that he was traumatized by past relationships where he felt that he lost power and control when the sex started. It is true that some men become like puppies to their gf to keep her happy so that she keeps them happy...

If you think about it sex can become a controlling tool in a couple. Maybe that's what he is afraid of. But men would never admit to this. In the meantime look who is having the power now!


Also with the hindsight he might have discovered that he had very little in common with his exes and that without the sex he could have seen that much more clearly...

Oh God...it's complicated isn't it?

Anyway here were my thoughts on this.

I hope you will sort this out.

All the best.

x

[tropigal82]

Hey Shheadz, thanks for the advice...

Yes - he is extroverted when in the company of his male friends but tends to be fairly shy in the compay of females (even though he is drop dead gorgeaus!). I've known him since we were 8 years old and I know he was quite traumatised by his parent's divorce and his mother's endless affairs with toyboys etc. His relationship with his mother seems to be an issue - perhaps this has affected the way he approaches relationships and women in general. When we very first started dating he did mention that he found it very hard to let his guard down, as he had been hurt badly in the past.

On the surface he appears to be a confident, very handsome, successful (career-wise), tall and athletic alpha-male. On the inside though, I think that he is very insecure and emotionally scarred, even though I can see how much he craves the security of family and home and to be a father one day. In the past he's used alcohol, drugs and partying to escape his inner anxiety, but since dating me he realised he wanted to sober up, and I support him all the way in this endeavour, I love him and want to see him happy and in control of his life, but it's since he's been sober that he has been building a wall around himself... now, I've never been a drinker or a drug user, so it's difficult for me to understand what is going on mentally and emotionally when somone sobers up. He does say to me "I am really sorry, this is a difficult time for me and I know that I am being selfish at the moment, but I need to go through this process of trying to rebalance my lifestyle, find out who I am, and I don't know what I will be like when I come out on the other side, so I don't want to lead you on in case I come out for the worse on the other side, even though I'm not saying I will, and maybe somewhere down the line I'll feel able to commit to a relationship, but I can't promise anything at the moment."

I do trust him, but I feel moments of paranoia in which I freak out because my past two relationships left me feeling lied to, heartbroken and humiliated after I had been strung along by guys who infact were seeing someone else but decided not to disclose the fact! So thanks to the heartache of being lied to, I am struggling to with issues of trust, although I know I have no reason not to trust him as he is a good guy and a friend also.

I didn't see him this weekend as he was busy training (for an upcoming marathon) I was worrying about our 'situation' the whole weekend and ended up stupidly posting a few frustrated and emotional (although relatively innocuous) status updates on my facebook page, which I didnt think he would see... but when he phoned me Sunday night he seemed really concerned about all my posts and was asking if someone had upset me, (I felt like I'd been put on the spot and mumbled something about a friend) then he said that he really cared about me and I should spend less time online and make better use of my time because he said I'm a 'talented, beautiful and passionate woman' (I'm an artist) and he wants to see me do great things in my life. I know he's right I do need to get myself togethor, and I was really touched by his words. But then it still confuses me, if he says he cares about me then why is has he built this wall around himself....

BTW when I got to work this morning there was an email from him with a link to a great video about making the most of life, which was really sweet.

Hmmm.....

[DarkAzrael]

Well since his ex used to beat him you could always threaten him with a good ass-whipping if he doesn't put out! ;-)

[sookie6]

Tropigal you are on a dangerous territory here. He seems to be a lovely guy on the one side and then all his self doubts and introspection put you in danger of losing your own balance.

He has a lot of qualities and is certainly very eligible in terms of bfriend's material but as a woman who has been hurt too by a 'lovely' guy I am urging you to remember that you are your number one.

If the relationship is not what you want it to be and cannot be for now, take a break from it. Give him his freedom back so that he can re-establish his priorities.

I am not usually so abrupt with my opinions on the forum but I can feel a lot of confusion and growing pain in your posts...

I apologize if I can't be more encouraging.

x

[shheadz]

Okay, I'm getting a better picture of your guy. I was asking if he's introverted, or just generally self absorbed, because his explanations for not wanting sex sound like convoluted excuses. I think that's common for people that are stuck in their own head, and they're dealing with their personal issues. It can be difficult for them to understand their own feelings, and they come up with all kinds of big excuses to explain away their behavior. It's not his fault. He hasn't gotten to the root of his own problems yet.

I can only speak from personal experience, but sometimes people slip into the world of drugs, booze, and partying to escape their personal demons. Well now he's sober, and he has to face those demons head on. I'm not surprised he's become very self absorbed, and I'm not surprised he's pushing you away emotionally. The "wall building" as you put it could be a couple things. For one he's just being selfish right now. I don't mean that in the most negative way, I just mean he's very focused on himself right now, and dealing with his own issues. It could also be his way of protecting you from his world. That's always worrisome, because those kinds of people often times dump their SO to protect them.

I agree with sookie. I'm not buying these excuses either. There is a bigger problem here. Possibly the kind of problem that takes years of therapy, and maybe even medication. So you need to ask yourself if you want to be the person to hold his hand through all of it. I don't even buy the excuse that he sleeps with women and loses interest. That's what I said about the younger me, and honestly sex had nothing to do with it. I just had/have problems building relationships and deeper personal connections with people, and my relationships would always fall apart pretty quickly.

[qwertz]

oh trop, you sure hes not gay? only kidding lol

z answer ya damn aim