The ultimate deal-breaker (support needed!!!)

[Aimsly]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years, and have had serious talks about getting married, buying a house, etc. We seem to agree on pretty well everything...until now.

When we started dating, I was 19 and just starting college again (already had a previous diploma). At the time, I was looking for fun, having just ended a relationship. He was 23, feeling very much the same -- in school and not looking for love. When we first started "dating", it was actually made clear that we didn't intend to have a relationship -- we were just going to be two young adults having fun. And then we fell in love.

I knew from the day I met him, long before we started dating, that he had gotten his girlfriend pregnant when he was 17, and had a young daughter. He also made it very clear that he had no intention of ever having more kids, and didn't want to get married. I was 19, and vowed I never, ever wanted kids either. I even wrote an impassioned article for our college paper about people who are child-free by choice.

(You can see where this is going...)

Fast forward to today, and we've got a perfect relationship. His daughter (11) and I are quite close, and he and I are looking forward to moving forward together with marriage in our future (he says I'm the woman who made him change his mind about marriage -- he never thought he'd meet someone he truly wanted to spend his entire life with). His family is like an extension of my own.

And now...I'm beginning to feel like I am going to want to have a child of my own in the next 5-10 years (I'm 24, he's 28). I don't want one right now, because we're so unsettled and I'd like to be married and have a house first. But I can see myself wanting to have a baby. One child, with him. Ours.

He has a vasectomy scheduled in January, and I just wrote him a letter explaining how I feel -- before it's too late to say anything. I know he's read it (he read it while I tried in vain to sleep last night) - and I'm terrified of the outcome.

Does anybody have any idea how this could play out? I'll be waiting at least 9 hours for any kind of reaction, and I feel sick at the thought that this revelation is going to make him leave. Support is appreciated!

[quall]

That's a difficult situation.
Do you think he'll be open to the idea of even talking about having kids?

[Aimsly]

Well, after his doctor consultation for the vasectomy, he briefly mentioned that he had reservations -- which was the major catalyst in me writing him the letter last night, because if there is any glimmer of a chance, that was it.

He's always been adamant that he doesn't want more... So I really can't blame him if he gets upset because it's me who's had a change of heart. If it came down to choosing me and having a kid or not...I'm afraid he might choose to leave. Now, while he still can, unhindered.

[Boisdevie]

Talk to him, not to us. You might need to decide what you want - him without children or someone else who you can have children with.

[quall]

You can at least keep the option open, asking him if he would do a cryopreservation of his sperm.
And then what Biosdevie said.

[vashti]

Get rid of him. This matter is too important to settle on. the decision to not have kids is one that should be embraced whole-heartedly, not by default to keep a relationship.

[RdHrshyKss]

you definitely need to have a conversation with him about this. if having a child of your own is something you really feel you will need to do, then it's something you will need to discuss with him now, before anything permanent is done. if he changed his mind about marriage, there is a possibility that he could change his mind about kids and be interested in building a real family with you.

i wouldn't be surprised that having a kid at 17 would have a negative impact on him. he'll either get over it or carry it with him for the rest of his life.

if he is completely unwilling, then i agree with vashti...move on. you will end up resenting him if you stay with him.

[sweetkissesforu]

Unlike a tubes being tied a vasectomy are reversable

[RdHrshyKss]

^^yeah, but i still think a guy getting that kind of procedure done is pretty serious about not wanting kids

[Aimsly]

@sweetkissesforu - Vasectomy reversals are not 100% successful.

Thanks for the input, though, everyone.

[nem4u25]

My opinion is talk about it with him. If he stands firm then move on. Its funny how people make life decisions so young and then it comes back to haunt them. When I was 19-20 I knew for sure that I didnt want to have kids. I had twin daughters when I was 31 and I am very happy with them. Even if me and the mom didnt work out, I am glad I had them and I love being a father. Bottom line, if he really does not want to have kids, there really is nothing more you can do except move on.

[reeba]

I would tell him that you want him to freeze some of that stuff BEFORE he cuts off the escape route for his swimmers. No harm in that.

Those billboards along the side of the road advertising for vasectomy reversal are there for a reason. People change their mind. However in this case the simple solution is make a deposit at a sperm bank, for withdrawl at a future date in case he changes his mind.

If he refuses to do this simple thing, and if you really want a child, then I suggest you break up with him pronto. You are 24, it will take you at least a year to rebound from this relationship, maybe another year or two to find another suitable mate, maybe after dating 2 years get married, and since you don't want kids right away till you get settled...give the marriage a couple of good years before the stress of kids.....

Starting to see the timeline yet? The above situaiton is the ideal - assuming no breakups or sidetracks from staying too long with the wrong man. Add it up. In the above ideal situation you aren't looking at kids till your early 30's. Don't waste time on your current boyfriend if he won't at least go make that deposit, to show he is at least considering it.

[Aimsly]

Update:

It's been a very stressful few days, but we've had some long conversations and even took a day apart as a breather to evaluate what we both want (letter given Monday night, talked Tuesday, Wednesday apart, Thursday talked more).

He's canceled the vasectomy because he says he hasn't realized I did want that door left open. Because I'd seemed so supportive of the surgery, he understandably thought I wasn't thinking about kids. The blame is mine, there. My fear of confrontation caused a BIG mess here.

He's agreed that while he can't see himself wanting kids, he does recognize that we might down the road. He had only wanted the vasectomy because we both had sounded so resolute in the decision to not have kids when it was previously discussed.

We both understand that by moving forward, we're agreeing to keep the door open to having kids, while also recognizing that we both might continue to feel the way we do now about them and not have any at all. And, we'll be having the same discussion about our feelings and expectations before we buy a house and before we get married, to be sure we're both wanting the same things (and marriage and a house are at least 5 years off).

[RdHrshyKss]

well it sounds like you guys have some time on your hands to figure it out. but don't lie to yourself...if the urge to have children of your own grows, you will need to be honest with yourself and your bf about that. no point in dragging the relationship out longer than it needs to be if you don't agree on this.

[devonbrown]

It sounds like a very mature and honest conversation between you two. I applaud that and if that continues throughout your relationship, then I believe chances are very good that you two will be able to find the path you want in life together.

Good luck!