Is there a way to make this work?

[Jenny153]

Hi!

I am not quite sure if I need advice on what to do or just need someone to share this with and get some opinions on what happened...

I (24) met this guy (27) about 2,5 years ago. We don't live in the same town, so we didnt see each other that often back then, especially since I was quite busy with my studies and work etc. However, we went on several dates and it was great, I fell in love and I think he did too. He told me he wanted to date me and after a while he asked me to move to his town, but I didnt want do that as I was in the middle of my studies and felt we didn't know each other well enough for such a step. 2 weeks after that he told me he doesnt have enough feelings for me and kind of ended our contact.

I was really devastated back then, barely left the house and was ready to resign from my school and move, cause I didnt believe what he said about his feelings. In the end, friends pulled me out of this and I moved on, but never forgot. We have been in contact after that every once in a while, I know he was dating someone for a year and broke up just a few months ago.

Anyway, half a year after he left me, I entered a new relationship and it went on nicely, for 2 years. We even got engaged. It was a good relationship, full of trust and stability, but I didnt feel totally in love. Not the way I used to. Then, a a few months ago that other guy and I started talking again. He said he noticed some mistakes he made and he was now ready to settle down and become more serious and wanted a relationship. He told me his reason to break up back then was that he didnt want a long distance relationship and that he noticed now he still has feelings for me.

To make the long story short, I reconsidered my current relationship and decided that I cannot be with someone and marry someone, if I have so strong feelings for someone else. I still stand behind the decision to break up, even if what happened afterwards hit me pretty hard.

I went on a new "first date" with him and it was great. We both have grown as persons in the last 2,5 yrs and had great conversations. I stayed at his place that night (though nothing happened except cuddling) and was pretty confident to try this again. He seemed so willing to try it too and he did look quite in love with me. I dont think I've ever been this comfortable with someone in my life.

However, I noticed something was weird in the upcoming days already, 'cause he wasnt very communicative anymore. I wondered if it was about his fear of long distance relationship and decided to make myself more available to him, 1h by train isnt that bad after all.
So yesterday evening he told me he has done some thinking and doesn't want a long distance relationship. I tried to find a way on how to make this work, since I haven't been as happy as I was with him for a long time, but I couldn't figure anything out. After all, the decision to move cannot be made based on one date after 2,5 yrs. And he also told me he doesn't want me to move there for him, 'cause he doesn't know if it would work out between us and then I'd be stuck in a city where I dont want to be. Finally, he said his biggest problem is fear of commitment.

He said he wants to keep in touch but needs everything to cool down for a while. Everytime I asked him whether we could still make this work, he gave vague answers like he'd like to but he doesnt see any way ”at the moment". Am I just trying to hold on to this too strongly and dont get the message, was that his subtle way of ending it forever? :-/

Do you think there's any way I could help him over his commitment fear, to at least try where our relationship could go? Or is there any point in trying to get him back? I know that this all is still quite fresh, but I am thinking if the feelings I had for him didnt go anywhere through 2 yrs relationship with someone else, I might never be able to give him up. It hurts quite badly to lose him like this for the second time

[kitkitkitty]

Hi!

I am not quite sure if I need advice on what to do or just need someone to share this with and get some opinions on what happened...

I (24) met this guy (27) about 2,5 years ago. We don't live in the same town, so we didnt see each other that often back then, especially since I was quite busy with my studies and work etc. However, we went on several dates and it was great, I fell in love and I think he did too. He told me he wanted to date me and after a while he asked me to move to his town, but I didnt want do that as I was in the middle of my studies and felt we didn't know each other well enough for such a step. 2 weeks after that he told me he doesnt have enough feelings for me and kind of ended our contact

i could be wrong, but this made me think that he only wanted you to come for a bit of a fool around.
idk if it's a fear of commitment but more seeing you as a convenience. he 1st says he really likes you, you say you don't wana come to him, he changes his mind and a while after he finds a girl. once you find a fiance he then goes back to you [lonely?] and says he made mistakes. you did a bit of cuddling but went no further. i think he's playing you around a bit. the reason you probably felt like you did when he 1st started ignoring you and when you were with your fiance could be linked to you never having closure from this guy.

[BusyBee]

I have to admit I agree with Kittykitty. He seems to be toying with you and I bet if you tell him you've met somebody else, he'll be back running.

[Jenny153]

the reason you probably felt like you did when he 1st started ignoring you and when you were with your fiance could be linked to you never having closure from this guy.

You're probably right about that. I never fully believed his reasons for breaking it off the first time (and as he later confessed, he did lie about them) and our on-and-off contact during the last 2,5yrs didn't give the impression that he really doesn't care. So I kept holding on to it.

But I am not quite sure about the toying around. To his defence, he did not actually know I was engaged and not getting intimate when I stayed at his place was his choice, not mine. He said he wants to have more than one date with me before anything happens between us. But I guess he just doesnt know what he wants and moves back and forth with it. :/

[kitkitkitty]

ok well my bad with the not knowing but even still it was out of nowhere which makes you sound like a booty call that he's trying to get back. i know you guys did nothing though and that's partly the point.
i think he gave you rubbish reasons to keep you on some sort of leash and know that you'll be there if needs be. you really don't need this confusion in your life and in that respect i believe he's messing with your head.