Your Take On Possessive Men

[isolde.darling]

Hi!

I know this is weird but after dating a couple or so guys after breaking up with my boyfriend a year ago, I'm beginning to think that I want a guy who is possessive and jealous. I started thinking about it after I met up with a girlfriend who I haven't seen for a while who now has a boyfriend. She told me that her guy is protective, possessive, jealous and sometimes needy/clingy and every girl envies her. I asked her why this is so because I thought that was a bad thing but she told me that at least with a possessive and jealous boyfriend, you're sure that he cares and that he's paying attention and you guys will always be together because he always pops up everywhere. Not like all those other men who will have you waiting for a call or a text and who you have no idea what they are doing or what they've been up to.

This really got me thinking. I mean, all the guys I've dated are all just so chill and relaxed and just so cool with everything. If they see me, that's fine. If they don't then that's fine too. But if I really think about it, these are all just signs of indifference right? I mean, after I thought about it, I do envy her. I want someone who'll always be there for me too and who will really, actually care. What do you guys think? Am I wrong?

PS: I've never been with anyone who is jealous or possessive. So I don't really have that much of an idea about what it's like.

[chinagirl]

If you want someone to suffocate you and suck the air and all the energy out of you, then by all means, GO FOR IT.

Just because a guy is acting cool and does not have the need to be all over you doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It just means that your relationship has reach a level where you can be comfortable giving each other the space needed to be on your own.

Jelousy and possessiveness is nothing but a sign of insecurity... And you don't want to be with someone who is insecure enough that he can't trust you.

[dickriculous]

I think the more appropriate question to your envious friends is why they think a guy has to act like a lost puppy in order for them to think he cares about his woman?

I can't speak from a woman's perspective, or really that of anyone who's brain is wired differently from mine, but I have had clingy girlfriends before and whatever ego boner their neediness provided wore off fast after I realized the tremendous amount of maintenance it required to keep them momentarily satisfied. The thing is, I have a life of my own and I have to be able to live it and being pulled away from everything else I want to do with my life in order to appease her neediness and wait on her demons and insecurities hand and foot is not my idea of a relationship that is worth having.

To be honest, it sounds like your envious friends have a tunnel visioned idea of what love is. Love is an energy that can take on many different forms and can be expressed in many different ways but it sounds to me like in their minds true love can only be desperate and uncomposed.

My thoughts are that since you have never been in this type of relationship before the idea of it seems novel and exciting to you, so maybe you need to experience it in order to come up with your own idea of how this works and whether or not you can be truly happy with that sort of arrangement. However, if your friend really thinks that clinginess and desperation make a man any more likely to stay with a woman long term and love her forever then she could be in for a rude awakening in the future.

[surfhb]

OP: You'll grow out of this....don't worry. .

Furthermore, what does this say about your friend who absolutely needs a man to give her constant attention and validation?

[Wakeup]

A man (or woman) who is possessive and jealous is not an indication that he loves you but rather that he's insecure, weak and has issues that he's never dealt with... Terrible relationship material actually and that kind of unstable shows of attention becomes old fast.

I think you would do better with a man that is actually attentive and forget the clingy jealous types and the types that only call you when they're horny.

[vashti]

I guess it's just me, but I would prefer they be the tiniest bit jealous to being indifferent. Understand that I wouldn't want someone who couldn't control their behaviors based on those feelings, and "clingy" is unacceptable.

Actually, I don't believe that someone who really loves you wouldn't feel somewhat possessive and have the capacity for jealousy. Why else would people demand monogamy?

[Wakeup]

It's the "jealous and OVERLY - possessive" that's the unbecoming character flaw imo. Love is naturally possessive ~ no one wants to share their partner except those that do want to and are capable of polyamory.

I don't think anyone wants a partner that freaks the heck out because she's going shopping with the girls and carrying it on to drinks and dinner or has an accusing attack because she's five minutes late from that girls nite out and accusing her of interacting with men while simply out having fun with the girls. Ugh.

[searock]

It's sad that you think that there is no alternative to "clingy and possessive" and "indifferent and never calling you".

[Wakeup]

It's sad that you think that there is no alternative to "clingy and possessive" and "indifferent and never calling you".

You said it, Sea.

[smackie9]

I think you have possessiveness mixed up with a man that is loving and caring. Possessiveness and jealousy is negative attention, not love. It's a need to control, because he is insecure with himself. The men you have dated were either not that into you, maybe found you too clingy and pushed you away, or were just not compatible. Just keep looking, be positive.

- - - Updated - - -

I dated jealous and possessive. I was young and stupid then, thinking no one has ever felt that strongly towards me, it was a real ego boost to a teenage girl. It turned into mental and physical abuse....it was horrible.

[isolde.darling]

Thanks for all the insight guys.

[HeartIsAching]

Jealousy is born of insecurity, distrust and fear. A man who is secure doesn't fear that his partner is going to cheat on him. Doesn't fear that just because another man finds his woman (or whatever) attractive that she'll be weak and cheat. A secure man won't freak out when you're a little late. Won't question you endlessly about where you're going and who you're going with.

I do worry when my wife's late (and it's unexplained), but only for her safety. She usually calls and tells me if something's come up - even if it's "I ran into so-and-so and we're going out for a drink"... however when she does that, I take her at her word... which a jealous man won't. That's also a two-way street; I don't go for long unexplained absences either.

However, as touched on by others here - what you've described from past relationships isn't a lack of jealousy, but a lack of caring. Indifference isn't endearing either.

[bulrush]

I asked her why this is so because I thought that was a bad thing but she told me that at least with a possessive and jealous boyfriend, you're sure that he cares and that he's paying attention and you guys will always be together because he always pops up everywhere.

So you want a mentally unstable bf who might abuse you too because they have uncontrollable jealousy issues? Go for it.

If you think jealousy is a metric of a healthy relationship, there are not enough drugs and therapy in the world to help you.

[toknow]

Not all jealously is the same, but normally it stems from seeing the person as extremely valuable to you. If you were walking with a 100 carat diamond in the street, wouldn't you feel "insecure".

[michelle23]

The only type of possessive thats good is when hes protective of you when you need it or when he likes holding your hand in public to show the world your with him or when a guy wont take no for an answer and your bf tells him to f**k off.

You dont want the bad type of possessive. They are controlling, abusive, paranoid, crazy jealous-will accuse you of all sorts constantly and they are usually the untrustworthy ones-hence their paranoia.. they are also capable of becoming physically violent if you leave them..

Men who are bad possessive are weak, insecure bullies who try to control their gfs.