Dating someone new, can't get over an "ex" even though its been a long time

[cflython]

So this is a rather stupid situation I've gotten myself into, but here it is. I apologize for the length, but this situation unfortunately involves a long backstory.

A little over two years ago, I began to get romantically involved with a friend of mine. We never officially dated, but I was nonetheless very much in love with her. Shortly after this, both of us had to move, and we wound up separated by a large distance. In spite of this, we still saw each other as often as we could and spoke every day. I have never felt so open and connected with another person before. Our conversations and interactions always just flowed so smoothly and effortlessly.

However, all was not well. I had very strong feelings for her, and I was never sure if they were reciprocated or not. As a consequence I was very anxious and worried that they were not, and one day she would find someone else. She was aware of this, and it was compounded by the distance, and the fact that we never 'officially' dated. It put a great deal of strain on her as well, since she did not want to do anything to upset me. This continued for about a year, and in the last few months things began to deteriorate and we spoke less and less and fought more and more. Eventually she told me that she had begun dating someone else, although not seriously. I was devastated, although since things had not been going well for so long, I was unsurprised, and after a few days of being kind of a wreck was able to get over it mostly and continue being friends with her.

A few weeks after this, I began dating my current girlfriend, who I learned had feelings for me. She was wonderful; beautiful, kind, giving and loving. I was very happy to be with her. However, my 'ex' around this time broke up with the guy she had been dating, and when she learned that I was seeing someone new, she reacted in a way that I did not expect. She told me that she had been in love with me for months but had only now just realized it, and that she wanted to be with me for real this time. She even offered to try to move closer to where I lived so that we could be together.

At this time I was still wary of our past and getting hurt again, as well as happy to be with my new girlfriend, and I told her I could not be with her at this time due to this. This caused an end to our friendship, and as a result we no longer talk any more. Roughly a year later, I am still dating my current girlfriend who has continued to be absolutely wonderful to me. However I still find myself thinking of my 'ex,' in part because I think i still have feelings for her and in part because I just miss my former friend. I know this is very unfair to my current girlfriend, and I had thought these feelings would fade in time, but they are still here a year later. As a result of this internal conflict I think I have not connected with my current girlfriend in the way that I should, even though I very much want to.

I do love my current girlfriend and cannot imagine ever leaving her, but I want to be able to connect with her as fully as I did with my 'ex.' Unfortunately I can't talk to her about this situation as she would be devastated; she has always been wary of my 'ex' due to the conditions at the start of our relationship. She wouldn't understand that I do still love her.

I don't know why I still have these feelings a year later, and I don't know what to do about it either. I am sure my 'ex' does not want to speak with me, as unfortunately I have hurt her every bit as much as she hurt me, and I feel awful for having hurt someone I cared about. Nonetheless I still think about her. Any advice you knowledgeable people can give would be greatly appreciated as I have no idea what to do in order to resolve this issue.

I am sorry this is so long, partly it is for my own benefit since I have not been able to speak to anyone about this, but I appreciate you reading it and anything you may have to say about it.

[Johng]

Hi there, this sounds very mich like the situation I am, as such I don't know the real answer but I do know that space between u and your ex normally heals the situation, but it may take time and must mean no contact with ex. In all honesty it sounds to me that you have a good thing with your new gf and something u don't want to lose. I think it is also interesting how your ex became so interested when u were not available.

I will post again when I feel I have some more clarity in my situation.

[xxazurexx]

Well for starters, your friends interest in you didn't just begin at the point you got a girlfriend. She has had feelings long before you became involved elsewhere, only she was too afraid to come clean with her feelings. She has been second guessing your feelings, like you were second guessing hers....both of you were scared to be open with one another.

I'm thinking that your friend never met another guy either. This was a test and she 'made up' this guy, due to the period of not talking. When we feel our love isn't being reciprocated, we can fret and start to withdraw and she did. She likely thought it was never gonna happen between you two, so she started to detach.

Then you show up again and she's mentioned the 'new guy' to see what reaction you give. Your reaction would have given her clues, as to how you felt about her perhaps and she's likely been hoping that you would then confess your feelings due to the fear of losing her to this other guy.....but you didn't.
When you have met the new girl and told her, this jolted her into declaring her real feelings for you.

I could be wrong, but I know how some females operate...and we do test guys

Thing is, you are with someone else now, but you can't forget the friend and despite it being a year that you last had contact.

Despite how much you say you love your current gf, your heart is not 100% with her and it's unfair on her and when you cannot give her all and because she deserves your all. You are decieving her and into thinking, she is the one for you. I can't imagine anything worse, than being in a relationship with a guy whose heart lay with another woman and yes, she would be devastated if she knew.

Either you are going to have to make the most of what you have now and try to forget your ex, or you should break things off with the gf, spend time alone and to figure out what you really want.

[Teddy057]

"I am still dating my current girlfriend who has continued to be absolutely wonderful to me" Hey man, if you have someone that you love, and they feel the same way about you, and treat you wonderful... What the hell else is there?

"She wouldn't understand that I do still love her. " Well man, if you're still thinking about your ex when you spend time with your current gf, who you've been with for quite some time now, it's not fair to her. To me, saying that you "love" someone, means that they're the only person you should drop anything you're doing for, and that their happiness comes WAY before yours. So, do you truly love her, or is has she just been filling that void in your life that your ex left?