Abuser/Victim/Rescuer.

[Devin666]

Hi, thanks for reading this and for any advice you have to give. This, in my opinion, is an issue of boundaries, victim/abuser/rescuer and how these roles seem to go full circle

I've been in a relationship with a women for the past year, who was first a housemate in a large collective house, so we've lived together for the entire time. When I moved she was separating from her husband and he moved out shortly after I moved in, and a few months later we started seeing each-other. They kept regular communication and he knew we we're seeing each-other. I had hung out with him a few times and we seemed to be on good terms, but I suspect his toleration of me was just to prove he could not be a jealous person, and he seemed to like me less and less.

So one day she invites me to a BBQ at his house with a bunch of mutual friends, I was very reluctant to accept her invitation, but she assured me that everything was fine. We eat, and I can tell the tension is thick but I had know idea he was harboring hostile feelings toward me, never asked me to leave or told me he was uncomfortable with my presence (I don't even want to know what he did to my food). So as I'm walking out to leave, when he follows me out the door with a baseball bat saying "I don't know who you think you are coming* " before he finishes his sentence I punch him in the face (I have been assaulted with weapons in the past and was not willing to wait and see if he would actually use it), battle ensues, I get hit in the lip with the bat, I neutralize him, she gets in the middle, blah blah blah. I walk away, and in a fit of anger he busts out the front window to his own house. She goes there the next day to help him clean it up, based on what she said that "It was kind of my(her own) fault." Which made me feel a little betrayed, but whatever.

I lay down the boundary that he is not allowed to come to our house based on the fact that he assaulted me. Pretty basic, right? She would have him over several times while I was at work, assuming since I was not present, that this was somehow acceptable. I had to reiterate this boundary to the point that I had to get the support of our other housemates. Long story short, finally he left town and I thought the issue was resolved.

Months later she is filling for divorce and caring for his dog while he is in jail. So she requests that he come over to pick up his dog and sign the divorce papers, I allow it because I want to avoid being a complete dick, bad idea, give 'em a inch and they'll take a mile. She's hanging out with him and he's stopping by for a couple weeks, but once the business was handled, I'm like "enough is enough when he's stopping by to make social calls". And since she won't enforce my boundaries I feel I have to redraw my line in the the sand. So one evening I encounter him and calmly and respectfully (Zak as my witness) that I'm not comfortable with him being here and I don't want him to come around anymore. He replies with some smart ass remark, and I tell him that that is his fair warning. I leave to the store and I come back to find that he had busted out my bedroom window. Then he has the audacity to show up the next day throwing rocks at the door on account of "he is not on the property". I'm not so nice this time, I tell him to kick rocks, he acts all cocky holding something under his coat in a threatening manner, so I push him over and brake his finger (and she accompanied him to the hospital). I think I made my point and he hasn't come back, but the catch is, now I'm the abuser and the bad guy in my lover's eyes.

I love her and aside from this issue we have a good relationship. She feels responsible for this this person, and I have never barred her from seeing him, but he is a piece of shit for many reasons not listed. I feel that this is a potential deal breaker. I don't really know how to handle this without being, to some degree, more abusive or being abused. Does this seem like something that is unreconcilable? She wants to change my position on this so "next time" this won't happen, but I insist there will not be a next time.

Does anyone have advice on how I might proceed? Thank you so much for reading my little drama.

[bcgirl]

Why the f*** would she invite you to hang out with her estranged husband???? Does this not sound dysfunctional or what? Like what was she expecting, you two to hit it off and be best friends and one day she can fulfill her fantasy of having the two of you in bed? Like cmon, as if she didn't anticipate some sort of drama....and the fact that she went over there the day after to help clean up the mess of the fight? Pfff. I wouldn't trust this girlfriend of yours. She has major issues that haven't been resolved with her hubby. Perhaps she is just flaunting you around to make him jealous because of major problems in their relationship. But deep down inside her heart still belongs to her husband, she just wishes he would come around....and if that day comes....she would leave you in a second to be with him again.

[IndiReloaded]

He destroyed your property, he assaulted you. You defended yourself and she goes with him to the hospital? She should have called the cops on him.

This is a complete mess and you need to remove yourself from it. I'm sure he's doing this as much to get at her as you, but you should still break up with her. But do it by asking her to leave your house. If she won't then you should move. This is a situation that, even if you 'win', you'll lose. She sounds just as screwed up as her ex.

And you were wrong to ignore your instincts. You should not have listened to her and gone to that BBQ, you should have stayed the hell away and told her to as well.

Run as fast as you can.