He was my first love. We dated for about 2 years. He broke my heart and then he died one week later very suddenly.

He ended things with me and I was crushed. He wanted to get back with his ex. I had moved to his city 3 months before our break up so I was especially hurt and humiliated. I went "no contact" after the tense, emotional break up. We never spoke again. One week later I got the shock of my life- a phone call that he had suddenly died.

How to deal with pain like this? Can anyone relate? So much was left unsaid and my heart is shattered.

This was 8 months ago. After he died I could barely function and I am still not feeling like myself at all. I heard very little from his family or friends since his death. Some family members even treated me coldly, I felt they were blaming me? He died after a night of heavy drinking and doing coke at the end of night. He never woke up. Everyone was shocked by the nature of his death, which was very out of character for him. I knew him to drink too much but never to snort drugs. Everyday I worry that he was struggling with his decision to drop me for her or maybe he wasn't thinking that at all and was just out of control. I will never know :/

On top of my grueling grief, the crying, sobbing, despair and loneliness I felt so awful seeing the other girl at the services, having family be warm to her and cold to me. Feeling like people looked at me like "you caused this by being a bad girlfriend that he wanted to dump" ALL sorts of twisted thoughts.

I did counseling, I journal, I go to work, I get sleep. I just feel EMPTY and all alone. Like no one can understand how complicated this is for me. I feel selfish for thinking of the other girl. 6 months after his death I moved out of his city and back to my hometown. That broke my heart all over again.

Friends of mine barely mention him. They want me to be happy and start dating again. I get angry. I can't even think of that now...or should I be making more progress in my grief?

I still love him so much and feel nothing but confusion over the way things ended and the isolation I have felt from his family and friends.

Any responses would be greatly appreciated. I needed to get this off my chest. Thank you