In love with a married girl (coworker)

[mitica]

It's stupid, i know, but i need to ask (or at least tell my story)

I am in love with this girl, a coworker. She is 28 yo, im 32, she is very cute, but has only one problem, she's married [toghether with that guy for about 8-9 years, married for about 3 years, no kids]... I had a crush on her since the first day i saw her. Our boss told her to sit next to me, i had to explain her different things, blah blah. Step by step, we got quite close, or at least i think we did, as long as now, after a few months, we talk a lot [about books, movies, cooking] while i walk her home [half way home] or at work on Skype, while in the bus she likes to hold onto me if it's crowded, she has no problem to hold my arm if she feels or needs it while we walk, she even changed somehow her "route" home because we cross a small park toghether [until we take it on separate ways] and she seems to enjoy it...One month ago she told me that her 2014 resolution is to solve the problems she has with her husband...I forgot to mention that her husband lives at about 200km away, and she lives with her parents. They lived toghether until last year, in a small provincial town, but one year ago she decided to move back home. I asked her where she feels home, and she said she feels home here, in her home town [which is btw our country capital so of course there are more job opportunities ] and that she will never go back in that small town where her husband lives because she does not like it. So i suppose she expects him to move here, toghether with her, probably in their own apartment. She only goes there from time to time, in the weekends, sometimes her husband comes at her. But i know for sure they don't see each other weekly, because each Friday, we somehow share our weekend plans, usually she is asking me first about mine...

Of course, i am not the only one at work that likes her, another guy wanted to go out with her, he asked her out directly, soon after she got hired, and she rejected him instantly telling him that she is a married woman...so he gave up :-) I never asked her out, only once or twice to go out for a small cigarette break [i smoke, she does not] and twice for lunch break and yes, she accepted...

As you probably realize, my feelings are really messed up right now. It's a long long time since i haven't felt the same for a girl...and i am extremly blocked into this situation. I know that she might have problems with her husband, she told me they have frequent fights from almost anything, but i am sure she thinks about divorce, even if she has not decided anything yet, and she still has fun with him [they spent Holidays toghether and she told me they had fun]. But women do think a lot, i know from my own experience [one of my former girlfriends broke up with me after 10 years, after we had a splendid summer toghether, and when she told me that she was thinking about breaking up with me for a long time, i did not belived her, now i do ]

Another fact - I bought her and a few other coworkes some Christmas presents, she was very happy and excited, and told me that her husband usually doesn't buy her presents, he only gives her money to buy whatever she wants...and she spends that money elsewhere...Of course she also bought me something afterwards...We did exchanged some SMSes, nothing "kinky", she thanked me for her Christmas present, and this started a funny SMS "chat", another time she thanked me for taking her home after the Chirstmas party and not leaving her alone...this SMS thing is recent...

I know, , writing this, i realize that i am stupid, and i keep looking for signs, or small things on which i can put my hope that one day she will be with me, and only with me...

But i will surely need an advice from someone who is a total stranger to this situation, and can evaluate it only by these facts that i shared here...

Thanks for you help in advance And i am sorry if i bored you with my story Oh, and sorry for my english, it is not my mother language

[cleverusername]

My advice is that I would not try to advance the relationship. Do you really want to be the person responsible for breaking up a marriage? It's okay to be friends, but marriage should be something people should respect. Put yourself in her husband's shoes. You wouldn't want a guy trying to get with your wife. If she is truly unhappy with her husband then it will eventually work itself out without the help of outside parties. Stay away for now. If they happen to split in the future then go ahead and try after giving her an appropriate amount of time for her to get things together. I know it's not the answer you want, but those are my 2 cents.

[Rowen]

If you truly love her, you'll let her go and will never pursue her unless she is ever single (and going through a divorce does not count as single). Move on.

[basilandthyme]

I vote for backing off and meeting new people.

IF she leaves her husband, you may want to give it a try....but don't stall your life waiting for it to happen.

[pcmaster]

Man this sounds like true love. Theres so many things that proves it. SMS is total proof to it. Its true love for sure I can tell it even from here. Dont give up and fight for what you want.
Her husband is real a hole and dont deserve her. Save her from suffering ! Dont believe that anyone might have same feelings for her, you know these feelings are unique and stronger than all the blind guys who dont see how good she is. You are lucky to find such a jewel. Then again angels are met in strangest places.

P.S. Look at Rowens signature. This guy actually meant it when he made his sig. Theres just no happy ending when you run away from love. At least try so you know theres nothing more you could do. All is in your hands.

[Rowen]

P.S. Look at Rowens signature. This guy actually meant it when he made his sig. Theres just no happy ending when you run away from love. At least try so you know theres nothing more you could do. All is in your hands.

I should probably change that part of the signature... :S OP, it's not right to break up a marriage. You get out of the world what you put into it.

[AnErin]

I didn't read all that cause yeah it was boring.
If she is separated or whatever, why not try to date her?
People use "married" as an excuse when they are not interested in someone.

On the other hand, do not expect much to come from this. Expect the worst, hope for the best.

[pcmaster]

Dont you dare to change it Rowen ! Keep the faith ! You literary might have to go thru few aholes but you will find it ! Just like you did before.

Man if she's married and guy lives 200km away then practically she's free. Home is where your heart is. Marriage doesn't mean anything. Getting married for right reasons is when you can't live without the person not because you can live it. Year of being together is all they could manage. Also look what Basil said in another topic.

Here's my rule of thumb: if it became assumed that we'd seeing each other pretty much every Friday and Saturday night and some of the weekend days, then I knew I was his girlfriend.

If a guy was only able to see me once or twice a week, I'd assume I wasn't the only one he was dating.....and I wouldn't wait more than a week or two for him.

loveforum.net/threads/86905-Asking-a-girl-to-be-your-gf/page2


However man I recently saw another relationship fade away because of the distance.(Same story as your only it was girl who lived in small town and quit on guy). So many relationship get destroyed by distance. basically it's not real relationship once there is a distance. Actually you have more chance with her than her husband cause you are seeing her every work day. You saw how happy she was for that little meaningless gifts. That is all she needs - attention, care and appreciation. They just needs a guy who is there for them - just simply stupidly being close. She couldn't be happy if she didn't like you. Also you can't wait for miracle to happen, expect her to leave husband if she's not sure about your feelings. Give her a reason.

Man she lives with her parents instead of husband. Girls can't change lifestyle, they are just attracted to big cities. You know exactly how much cost flat in that metropolis and you know that little towns where her husband works usually don't have huge wages.

You know some bitches are just waiting to leave their husbands once he slips or do mistake. For example my uncle got kicked out of house after 15+ years of marriage(2 kids) 2 weeks after he lost job(company shut down). For years she got attention from work colleague(they were doctors). And guess what? They ended up together after her husband was kicked out. So man some marriages is just artificial where woman is using guy and once she can't use him anymore it's over.

I know you saw other guys get rejected and its holding you back from asking her out. But then again other guys didn't make her happy with small gifts or SMS. Basically you can't give up before you even lose, before even trying. Do you want to spend even a second thinking "What could happend if I just tried?" You deserve to express your simpathy just like any human being. Even if you get rejected it's still moving forward cause even if negative it's still progress. Even if guy make sexual move and gets rejected girl respects the courage and desire, it's still a compliment and interest is flattering. In worst case you end up with a friend who respects you and knows what you need might even introduce you to some of her friends who have what you looking for.

You can achieve only what you believe in.

[surfhb2]

Rolling eyes

[Rowen]

Dont you dare to change it Rowen ! Keep the faith ! You literary might have to go thru few aholes but you will find it ! Just like you did before.
[...]
Marriage doesn't mean anything.

Eh, let's not stray off topic..

And as for your second statement, then why are we here? If two people are in love, we're taught they should get married if it pleases them. If she married her husband, she must have seen something. Thus, it's not right... She needs to sort out her life and what she wants and what she'll do BEFORE allowing another man to stuff his bacon between her chicken thighs... (not to sound sick of course)

Allow this woman to sort out her life because....well, she needs it.

[pcmaster]

We are here because of the OP, Rowen. Not the girl. Marriage is like cake you put in fridge. Fridge will keep cake fresh for some time but even that is temporary. What I mean giving label to relationship can make it last longer and keep commitment but in the end it does not the actuall situation and feelings. Being married does not make immune to other people. Also it dont change the concept of LDR. "You cant sprinkle some cake icing on a poop and then expect it to be something its not."
Ofcourse Im not saying it good to look for weakneses in other people relationship and then use it against them. Or even get in between two married people(because they are married and they relationship is their own bussines). Also Im not gona play on shining knight syndrome and say guy to save her from that monster. Because I already did that. What Im saying some girls are just hot and its okay to fck up(or risk) their life just to get them in bed. Althought it might be worth it in this case(if shes realy that good). What Im saying is OP have nothing to lose he might aswell do this little excersise and express his sympath instead of shooting himself in the leg acting like worthless shit who dont even deserve express his feelings. In worse case he might end up with friend or person who respects him for being courageous and direct. At least it seems like OP is having some hesiating/aproach anxiety and instead of thinking what is what he might already find out by himself instead of thinking and guessing and then later thinking what if. There could be as much positive as there are negative.What I mean OP might aswell put himslef first for a moment instead of putting first everyone else until he finds out if this girl is worth even thought in his mind.

Maybe shes enjoying positive emotions, little attention, gamee, leading on guy, escaping from reality or just using guy for ego boost, attention seeking.
This video is recomended to avoid possible risks of being used.

youtube.com/watch?v=iVHLUAbSNHc

[Rowen]

But if this OP is going to pursue her, that makes he PART OF THE EQUATION.

[pcmaster]

Well OP is already thinking about her. He might aswell go and find out if shes even worth his time.

Actually pursuing is not necesary. What is importand to find out if he might be biggest number in equation without actually changing result for the other people in this equation. I MEAN FINDING OUT THE X. Guy is the X and he dont know who he is until he asks or let to know her the value of X.

For example today I asked a hot girl does she want to meet me and to not waste time gave two ready answers Yes/No. She answered no and I didnt wasted time but just got a nice clear answer.

[Rowen]

Well OP is already thinking about her. He might aswell go and find out if shes even worth his time.

....Really, PC? x.x

Does anyone have respect for marriage anymore? Damn...I really WAS born in the wrong time...

[pcmaster]

Well man I was shocked too but all the guys I spoke to at work(in Greece) just laughted at me when I said that most girls have BFs back at home. They said it doesnt count, basicaly if she have BF back at home means she dont have BF. And I realy saw those girls flirting and dating to whatever guys was interested in them. Have you seen girls being stolen in front of their BF? Thats nasty but seen it happening. It can happen in public places if you dont hold girls hand or waist(it proves shes your property). In this case theres 200km between them(too far to hold her hand). What are husband thinking? It just a question of time when someone else is gona get between. If girl is beautiful it is just natural that guys is gona pay attention to her. Nothing can done about it. While marriage can work for a while its not gona solve the sitiuation forever. Marriage dont mean she feels less for other guys or that she needs less attention or time, positive emotions together with a man.
I seen womens leaving their husbands for guys who can(and do) give them more.