Girl I have feelings for getting taken advantage of...

[SL89]

Okay, this might be a little long, but I do appreciate any insight of anyone who can take the time to read it.

There is a girl. There is me. I am hopeless. I've been in love with her for more than four years. For the first two years we were best friends, basically she had to decide on myself or another guy to date. She chose him since she thought I wasn't interested. Hes was a real jerk, and whenever he treated her poorly she turned to me for support, and ended up cheating on him with me. BUT she decided she loved him (and he would always crawl back to her full of remorse and love filled words/vows) and called it off between us. Oddly enough we stayed really good friends and I learned to ignore my feelings for her. They stayed together for a total of four and a half years. They broke up a month ago. We aren't quite the "BFF's" we used to be, we kind of drifted apart, but are still pretty close friends. On the day of the break-up she came over and talked to me about it, she cried violently on my shoulder. I've never seen her cry half as hard as that.

Of course I am interested by this development, I will admit to being hopeful that something could happen between us. I understand what she must be feeling, so I told myself purposefully that I would not push it and take advantage of her vulnerability, remain friends and be there for her. Maybe something would happen in the future. I'm fine with this.

--Problem-- This girl and myself have a mutual friend who has always expressed interest in her, and actually was quite pushy about a trying to have a relationship with her when she had a boyfriend. (he has an attraction for taken women). To be honest I'm not sure why he and I are still friends. I don't know maybe not for long.

So back to about a month ago - She is sad, crying like I've never seen, was worried she might hurt herself. (which of course worried me) She then disappears for three days, no one can get a hold of her, not answering phone calls, texts, etc. This mutual friend and I are discussing it. More of a me going "Oh dude have you heard from her i'm getting worried, she was talking about hurting herself" his response angered me it was "whatever dude don't worry *rolls eyes* that bitch just said that because she wanted attention". Of course grade A dirt bag statement. She comes back from this, apologizes for making me worry. I am quite relieved.

Oddly enough we all start hanging out again. (this was always our old group that hung out). I try even harder than normal to make her laugh, smile, to help her feel better about the break up. Oddly enough she doesn't have any more serious talks with me like she made me promise to be there for when she needed them. This mutual friend starts acting strange, and I catch on that they are hanging out alone, and he is spending the night over there a lot as well. I still haven't said anything about it. I think he honestly thinks I have no idea.

About 3 or 4 nights ago I became upset, I don't know, a panic attack about the situation. They think I have a problem/jealousy about their relationship. I was given this info from another party. The mutual friend came over "just to hang out" without my invitation. I ignored my previous "being upset" and pretended nothing was wrong. The girl sent me a text, about how if I was hoping to take advantage of her after the breakup, if that was my intention then maybe we shouldn't be friends. In a nutshell that is what it said.

Honestly I'm just happy with her in my life. For some reason she has it in her head that I am like that, but is letting another guy take advantage of her.

Basically I would like some advice on how to make it evident that is not my intent, and how to help with this whole, other guy problem. And yes I have entertained the high possibility that she is just using him for a rebound. >.> Its just driving me insane

[sunnybunny8212]

thats bullocks! hey, if she wants a rebound, it should have been you.
its good that you would not take advantage of her, and be there for her in a time of need, but
you're a man, you're a person too, you have feelings.

sounds to me shes toying with you, and if i were you, id be pissed.
you seem like a good guy, and to me, you crushing over her, doesn't make a difference to her...
its not like she doesn't know you have feelings for her, so why would she do that?
then again, if shes so vulnerable to you when she has a hard time with her bf, and come to you and cheats with you,
shes acceptable to sleep with anyone in a time of need, and cheating on you.

that not fair to someone like yourself, and i don't think you should take it....
4 in a half years is a long time to secretly love someone, but seriously.
i don't think that shes taking interest in you.... the fact that shes going through a hard time doesn't give
her any rights or excuses for inappropriate actions.....

i hope that helps

<3

[lahnnabell]

Better that you're not her rebound really. She and this guy will most likely die out at some point. Everyone rebounds after long-term relationships, and the fact that this guy was spending the night with her so soon reveals that she was looking to pick up something quick and easy. She may not even realize it at this point, but rebounds work like training wheels. It gets you back on the bike and gives you some practice, but eventually you don't need them anymore.

You need to decide if she's worth waiting around for anymore. She was very quick to ditch your friendship and outright accuse you of being a creeper basically. Doesn't sound like someone I'd like to keep around. And if she breaks up with this other dude, it's not a guarantee that you'll have a shot with her.

[NBT]

It sounds like the other guy (the friend of yours who wants her) is putting those things in her head about you hoping to take advantage.

If I'm right, that means he's trying to get her to STOP trusting YOU (thus making you ineffective, and eliminating any problem you might present) and INSTEAD, be all over HIM.

The truth is, if she really thinks you're the type to take advantage of her vulnerability, she doesn't deserve your friendship ANYWAY. (But, I know you wouldn't dare say that to her, so I digress. lol)

Bottom line is, you've been there for her whenever the chips were down. So, if she thinks you'd take advantage, she really doesn't know you at all (you can make THAT statement, tug at her emotions a little bit, and it's OK, because you're not being MANIPULATIVE. You're being HONEST.)

All in all, this girl seems to have a strong penchant for assholes. She'll probably have to fall on her face a few times before she can fully appreciate a guy like you, sadly.

[RdHrshyKss]

i agree with NBT. this mutual friend sounds like a jerkoff, but from the sound of how she is behaving, his comment about her wanting attention is most likely true. he might be telling her things to keep her away from you. sunnybunny's comment about the cheating is a really good point. if she cheated on her ex boyfriend with you, what's not to stop her from cheating on you if you guys were to be together? she sounds like a girl who doesn't really know what she wants (probably just wants a rebound right now like lahnabell said). i think she knows you have feelings for her, but is going to string you along as long as she is able. you are her backup. when things go shitty in her other relationships, she knows you will be there for her. she might not be interested enough in you to be in a relationship with you, but she gets enough out of the attention you give her to want to keep you around. she's toying with you so that you will remain interested even though she will probably never act out on that. girls can be very manipulative like that when it comes to wanting attention and assurance from guys.

i personally don't think that she is worth your time or energy. she sounds like a selfish person and you'd probably be better off with someone else. if you guys ARE meant to be together, it's better that you end up together after she's figured all her shit out, has gotten all her rebounds out of the way and is actually ready to be serious. but like i said, from the way you are describing the situation and her behavior, i don't think she has feelings for you.

[Kaius]

She is not your problem or concern.
She chose not to date you.
Why even think of her? You are not her man.

[NBT]

RdHrshyKss makes a real good point.

Be very careful as you proceed, young grasshopper.

Don't want your feelings to get even more twisted up than they are right now.

Some knots are almost IMPOSSIBLE to untie. Don't let your emotions be one of them.

[SL89]

Thanks everyone for their responses! Basically everything everyone has said has been my general train of though. So rather than agonize over it I actually had a talk with her about it. This is a little long again, we talked for like 5 hours -.-

I started off the conversation about the text she sent me. Basically why she thinks/thought that, why she said that when she did, etc. Found out that "mutual friend" has been telling her things I've said. One good one apparently was (this is him talking to her from what she told me) "so i asked him if he wanted to date you now that you guys broke up, and he said 'naw I don't think I would date her but if she wanted to fool around or something I'd be down'" -- Note that I didn't say this. Of course I told her that I didn't, and apparently he has told her I've said lots of things like this over the years. She told me "I only believed him because you guys have been friends for like 6 years and i didn't think he would make something like that up". Apparently as well he told her he was going to come over and "tell me off for being this way". I informed her that all he did was come over and be nervous.

I then moved into asking about them obviously fooling around. She told me she wasn't interested in him for anything more than just now. She also said "I know hes just trying to get close to me because I'm sad right now, its pretty obvious." During our talk she actually mentioned that she thought about inviting me over the night their whole "thing" started. Her words were "I was really sad, and wanted someone to talk to, I was worried something might happen if I invited you over, and you're like the only nice guy who is interested in me, and if something happens between us I want it to be when I'm whole and happy. I don't want to ruin things between us by you being just a rebound." Surprising myself instead of getting mushy i asked "You're not just saying that to keep me around are you?" She replied "no, no no no not at all. I don't know how long it will be until I'm... ok. I don't want you to wait around for me either." She went on to tell me how she never really stopped having feelings for me, and regretted not being with me instead of her ex. This thing she used to do all the time over the years was text me or AIM me "Guys are assholes. Are you not a guy? Because you're not an asshole" and we'd laugh and joke about how I must be a woman at birth or something. I found out she always said this to me when she was in one of the regretful moods about not dating me. Sad i know right >.>

Yes, very emotional sad/strange talk. I move on to ask her "So what about (insert mutual friends name)?" her response was something about "Hes a dick, hes just like my ex, maybe I'm attracted to jerks. He is, or was just a rebound thing, I don't know if we'll continue after this. I'll probably break off what were doing if hes lying about you like that. I'm sorry I thought for a minute that you were like that." Then she cried for a while and kept apologizing.

And our mutual friend hasn't talked to me nor have I seen him in a while(ie he hasn't been invited to hang out with us). I heard from another friend that hes real mad at me. So that's what happened >.>

[SL89]

Basically for now, I decided to go back to what I was doing - just be friends, don't expect anything to happen. And see what does happen though. Also I wanted to note that during these 4 years I haven't just been sitting around moping after her, I actually dated a few girls, which didn't work out when I was in love with someone else >.> But I did try.

[IndiReloaded]

"Oh dude have you heard from her i'm getting worried, she was talking about hurting herself" his response angered me it was "whatever dude don't worry *rolls eyes* that bitch just said that because she wanted attention".

There is a very good chance he is right about her. Its a mean way of putting it, but consider it might be true despite the offensive delivery.

Young girls (she sounds young) often lack the assertiveness to ask for what they want so they resort to emotional blackmail instead. Avoid the temptation to 'rescue' her. She needs to learn this lesson for herself.

[IndiReloaded]

RdHrshyKss makes a real good point.

Be very careful as you proceed, young grasshopper.

Don't want your feelings to get even more twisted up than they are right now.

Some knots are almost IMPOSSIBLE to untie. Don't let your emotions be one of them.

How old are you NBT?

[NBT]

How old are you NBT?

I am 30.
Why?

[NBT]

It sounds like the other guy (the friend of yours who wants her) is putting those things in her head about you hoping to take advantage.

If I'm right, that means he's trying to get her to STOP trusting YOU (thus making you ineffective, and eliminating any problem you might present) and INSTEAD, be all over HIM.

Found out that "mutual friend" has been telling her things I've said. One good one apparently was (this is him talking to her from what she told me) "so i asked him if he wanted to date you now that you guys broke up, and he said 'naw I don't think I would date her but if she wanted to fool around or something I'd be down'" -- Note that I didn't say this.

I knew that guy was no good.

[SL89]

I knew that guy was no good.

Yeah, me and another friend are actually very surprised by his behavior as we've known him 6 or 7 years. We knew he was a little.. hrmm douchey, but not to this extent.

[NBT]

Yeah, me and another friend are actually very surprised by his behavior as we've known him 6 or 7 years. We knew he was a little.. hrmm douchey, but not to this extent.

Well I'm glad you took my advice & realized it was at least a possibility.

Now you know not to trust him.

Also, even SHE admitted that she has this thing for assholes. That's not good.

But I seriously hope that you and her EVENTUALLY end up together, IF you are as in love with her as you say.

I just hope she gets over her 'asshole addiction' before you do.