love & drugs

[iamnotfromearth]

let me preface this by saying, I know this is probably going to be long and difficult to follow. right now, my life is kind of a secret mess, and I’ve gotten to the point where I have no idea what to do or how to proceed. I’m severely confused and don’t have anybody particularly un-biased to turn to. that’s why I’m here. I ask that you maintain an open mind while reading this, and read it in its entirety, if you do at all. all input is appreciated. I expect criticism, insults, and references to various psychiatrists, so don’t think you’ll surprise me or anything. more than likely, I’ve already said it to myself, so go for it.

history:
I am a 17-year-old high school senior, 18 in april. I have been dating my boyfriend for about 7 months-ish now. since I first began talking to him, I have essentially spent every single day with him, and I know him pretty well by now. when we first started dating, we would just hang around after school every day and talk to each other for hours, about pretty much everything. we don’t do that so much anymore.

he’s a very sweet and caring guy. he told me that he loved me just a few weeks into it, and I’ve always believed him. (protip: we’re not even having sex, because he isn’t ready, so don’t tell me he’s using me. I promise you, nothing like that is going on at all.)
also, I’m his first girlfriend. just so you know.

he’s been smoking weed since I’ve known him, but at the very beginning it was only occasionally and he’d only been doing it for a little while. I tried it, too, and for a while we’d only smoke once or twice a week and it was fine, with his best friend (let’s call him dan. he’ll come up later.). it was nice, even – a different experience, something that opens you up to different ways of thinking and different possibilities that you didn’t even know existed. at the beginning, it was wonderful and new and interesting, and probably one of the best times in my life. I’ve never had any moral opposition to marijuana, and I don’t consider it dangerous. I’ve always treated it as just another experience.

then summer came, and we both had to go see our family in the states for a while. I didn’t see him for about a six-week period or so, but we would talk every day still. that was the first time that I started having little doubts – like maybe he cared more about me than I did about him, or vice-versa (I went back and forth a lot). I came back first, had to wait for him about a week or two, but when we finally did reunite it was like somebody just took a big ol’ sack of love and whacked me in the face with it. again, I was happy and fulfilled in profound ways.

and then, we started hanging out with dan more and more. we started smoking every day (we got the money from my boyfriend’s dad, a very generous and well-to-do ex-stoner himself). we’d be outside and in the city all the time, and we made a lot of interesting friends, to say the least. we dabbled in harder drugs (speed, ecstasy) but never got into it much. essentially, the three of us became super-best-friends, and to this day still spend 90% of our waking lives with each other.

here’s where the problems start kicking in.

problem 1:
I’ve begun to get tired of smoking weed every ****ing day. it’s honestly gotten to the point where it’s difficult to distinguish being sober from being high, so the actual high is just… not that great. it feels normal.

after one of our friends got caught for possession, we (my boyfriend and dan) got kind of paranoid and decided to make some changes. we were going to a) stop smoking during the school day (yeah, we’re that ridiculous), b) smoke less in general, c) refuse to pick up during the week (a long and horrible process that I’ve always hated), and d) start working out and eating better. so far, all we’ve managed to accomplish is a). which is a good thing, since now our risk level has reduced and our grades have probably improved (not that they suffered much to begin with), but as for the rest – well, we’ve been less than successful.

this lack of success, I feel, is all of our faults, but it can still be mostly owed, I believe, to my boyfriend.

you see, I’ve been wanting to slow down for a long time now. since the summer, in fact, I’ve been back and forth between feeling fine about it and feeling like something is seriously wrong. I don’t want to quit entirely, because, again, I have no moral problem with it and it’s an enjoyable thing, but every day is just too much. dan agrees with me, but my boyfriend has been the most resistant to change. frequently when it comes up, he’ll say something about how he doesn’t see it as a problem and how we all just need to chill out, for all intents and purposes. he seems stubborn, to me, and he doesn’t seem to fully understand why I disagree with him. part of his is probably because I sort of have this thing where I’m way too anti-confrontational and compliant for my own good, so I won’t fight it. but at the same time, I just wish he’d… get it. I’ve mentioned several times how I feel, and it just seems to be swept away with a general “it’ll be fine” kind of statement. and then it’s all forgotten.

I don’t know how to effectively communicate this message to him. I don’t want to give him an ultimatum or anything (me or weed), and it’s really difficult to approach it from any other angle, because I just don’t know what to do. I refuse to control him, because that, in my opinion, is morally reprehensible, but at the same time, it really seems like the only way to get him to slow down is to put a roadblock right in his face. but I don’t want him to resent me. he gets stressed really easily, and this is one of his only reliefs.

at the same time, though, I feel myself slowly building a resentment toward him. it’s completely unfair, and I’m feeling a lot of guilt from it as well, but it’s hard to just change how you feel, you know? so I don’t know what to do.

I have other, more abstract problems with my relationship, but I kind of feel like they’ll go away if I fix this problem. at the same time, I don’t actually know if they will. they might stick around and ruin my relationship forever, which of course I don’t want to happen, but it feels so inevitable. I hate it. I don’t know what to do.

problem 2:
I’ve been thinking about other people. other options, I guess.
which is all fine and normal, but the problem is, the center of my focus is, indeed, our best friend dan.

it’s weird. I have this attraction to him that I never thought I’d develop, because on the surface, he isn’t my type at all. he seems rather shallow and not particularly interested in what I’m interested in… but the more I’ve gotten to know him, the more I’ve come to adore him. until recently, I’ve always thought of it as a sort of brotherly adoration. but lately, I’ve found myself subtly flirting with him, and thinking about him more than I probably should. I guess the best way to put it is… I feel myself getting sort of bored with my boyfriend, due to his resistance to change, and dan is just… appealing.

I know it would never happen, it would never work out, and the thought of anything actually happening kind of makes me sick. I feel super guilty for thinking about him, and I wish I could just stop, but it’s so hard. he’s always there, always being hilarious and interesting and happy, and I just feel absolutely gutted about the whole situation.

I am completely stuck here. I love my boyfriend and I don’t want to ever do anything to hurt him, but I can’t help how I feel.

I’m starting to get kind of lonely, being stuck in my own head all the time. the other night I started talking to a couple of old (male) friends who I haven’t talked to in forever, one of which was basically my ex-boyfriend. I only ever feel the need to talk to them when I have nowhere else to turn, and when I need a major overhaul in my life. this alone is a scary indication.

the thing is, even though I spend all of my time with my boyfriend, dan is always there too. we have very little alone time together, and that’s always bothered me – but it never seemed to bother him much. I’ve honestly felt before that he might care about weed more than he cares about me. I don’t know how accurate this statement is, because I’ve told him how I feel and he swears otherwise, but he hasn’t actually done anything to prove it. all of this contributes to that lonely feeling. talking to him about relationship issues is also difficult because of the lack of alone-time, because I’m too much of a pushover to really enforce it. I know I need to do that, but even if I did, it’s really difficult to think of what to say. I don’t want to hurt him or make him feel bad (that’s usually what happens when I bring up an issue – he’ll feel really bad, really guilty, and sometimes even cries. that’s the point where I fold. I can’t stand seeing him cry.) I just really don’t know what to do.

I’ve thought about breaking up with him, but thinking about that makes me hurt in really horrible ways. obviously just because of the emotional torment, but also because, once I got past all of that, I’d still have nowhere to go. his friends are my friends and my friends are his friends, and if I ended it, I would be insanely alone. I’m really, really bad at being alone. even just not seeing him for a day is enough to get me really depressed.

I feel like I’m kind of too clingy, even though I give him plenty of space if he needs it and won’t actually force him to do anything. the clinginess is kind of a byproduct of the entire foundation of our relationship, though. we spend all of our time together completely voluntarily, so it would just feel strange and wrong to spend time with other people all of a sudden. so I have no idea what to do.

in summation:

confused? yeah, me too.
my life is a walking contradiction. my mind is a steel trap. there is no clean, happy resolution.
I should also mention that every feeling I have mentioned above, I only feel about half the time. I’m perfectly content with my life when I’m out and about experiencing it. it’s just those times when I’m alone with my own thoughts that I start to realize, well shit, maybe there’s something wrong here.

I’m just tired of partying all the time. and I want him to understand the entirety of my ridiculously complex emotional experiences, but I can’t even begin to explain it without somehow hurting him. I just can’t do that anymore.
so I’ve finally turned to an internet forum for advice. I really need an unbiased opinion. I need another perspective on all of this, because my perspective is pretty damn convoluted as it is.

so basically, if you read this, props – I just wrote a ****ing novel. and I would seriously appreciate your input.

I just want to be happy again.

[princedant]

I am completely amused and totally saddened by this post. Meth is a HUGE problem around here. I hate the stuff. I hated finding needles in the streets in SF and having to tell my son what they were and why he should not touch them.

[iamnotfromearth]

i've never done meth, and i don't intend to. the thing is, not all drugs are equal. i won't do something that will actually kill me. my experience with harder drugs has been well-researched beforehand and monitored during (making sure we take a safe dose, etc.) and even then, we're not doing that anymore. not to mention, the thought of injecting something into my bloodstream is terrifying. so no thanks.
also, i won't do anything that would endanger other people. stoners aren't hurting anybody. speed freaks might be, but stoners aren't, i promise.

i'm not really worried about the drugs by themselves, because weed isn't going to kill us at all and that's all we're doing. it's just everything around it.

please don't think i'm stupid for experimenting with drugs. i'm really not. i understand the judgmental attitude toward it, but we're really not stupid people. i mean, not fundamentally stupid at least. just maybe too libertarian for our own good.

[erb202]

Ok so my boyfriend and me are stoners. We smoke about everyday and have no problems but everyone has their own comfort level of how much they want to smoke. I don't see the problem here if your boyfriend wants to smoke everyday that is his choice. Like has his behavior changed in any negative way other then you just don't want him smoking that much? If not and he's not trying to pressure you into smoking everyday I'd say just relax. Like you mentioned there are no harmful affects from weed other then maybe being a little lazy so I'm still confused why its bugging you. Then the part about having an attraction to your friend is normal but you really need to look at it on a scale like 1 being friends and 10 being madly in love. If you feel anything above a 6 and the combination of you being unhappy with your currents behavior you guys just might not be a great fit. Also have you actually discussed it with him I know you said you made a group decision to lessen the smoking but have you guys talked about it again since that. There could be a bunch of reasons why he's toking everyday it may be stress or simply that he likes it.

[Gigabitch]

I think you should break up with him. You should spend some time on your own. I think you'll find that your attraction to Dan falters when you're not comparing him to your boyfriend or seeing him as some forbidden treat. That's been my experience in this kind of situation, anyway.

[Agape]

"I am a 17-year-old high school senior, 18 in april."

Based on your post, extrapolate your life 5 years from now, 10 years from now . . . when you're an adult and you're supposed to be self-sufficient and living on your own

Do you want to continue this kind of lifestyle? If not then I suggest you change it as soon as possible

[Akhs]

well, weed is not drug..!

[wdlssm]

Weed is definitely a drug.

[doppelgaenger]

It sounds like you tried to make things work out with him and even had a nice little experience with drugs, but you have to accept that it was only an experiment to you. Now you have to accept that this is your BF's lifestyle and you already know it's not for you. This incompatibility will inevitably lead to a break up. Earlier is wiser, I think. What about you? At least you can end on good terms if you do it now, instead of waiting until you're fighting and trying to change him.

[Analeigh008]

I don't see why you can't let him go his own way. Just because you and Dan decided to cut back, doesn't mean he should be bound to do it also. Let him have a mind on his own. If it helps him cope and feel better and he can manage himself, why take it away? If he gets busted, let that be his lesson...he's made clear that he wants to continue. Maybe he knows what to do, trust him to manage himself and reap the rewards and consequences of what he does.

I'm not saying you should break up with him. You've already said that your fantasies about being with Dan can NOT work. I think the reason your relationship with your boyfriend isn't as exciting anymore is because you shared ALL of yourselves with one another (or at least most) in the beginning, and now there's little left to talk about. But breaking up with your partner because you're bored doesn't sound like the most ethical reason. Of course, YOU'RE the judge of that situation, but just offering some input.

Do you guys smoke and hang out in the SAME PLACES every day? Try changing your settings. It's a whole big world out there...go meet some people. Go hiking (maybe it's more fun on weed). Do SOMETHING.

Just give your boyfriend a chance. He seems happy where he is. Try to make him happier. Maybe you'll be happier, too if you change it up since you're getting bored.

As life goes on, you're going to meet several intriguing people. But you can't let them lure you away...especially if your chances of anything happening with them are slim.
You don't have to be alone, you just have to compromise a little. I hope I've helped, good luck.

Oh, and about doing weed every day...you don't have to smoke it just because they are. Just say you're better off doing it on occasions.

[IncognitoSir]

Weed is definitely a drug.

According to who? The US government? Medacine, sure, drug....nah. Nonetheless, it's not for everyone. If it bothers you so much that he medicates daily then maybe you should find someone who doesn't, but please don't get with his bff. That's just not decent.

[Agape]

According to who? The US government? Medacine, sure, drug....nah. Nonetheless, it's not for everyone. If it bothers you so much that he medicates daily then maybe you should find someone who doesn't, but please don't get with his bff. That's just not decent.

THC, Tetrahydrocannabinol, is the psychoactive chemical in marijuana . . . so yeah, it's a "drug" . . . but that term is so broad that it can apply to virtually everything which goes through and affects the human body