Completely broken down...

[Endlessagony]

So hi everyone I'm to the forums. (What a great introduction)

I today found out what I have been suspecting for some time... that my long time partner has been cheating on me.
Oh boy have I been naive, I actually believed all the lies she's been telling me. It's not just a one night thing (although it started like that) but has been systematically continuing for 6 months now. She's had at least 2 secret lovers this time, and all the while she's been putting the guilt on me for being too inquisitive on her doings. I've confronted her several times about being honest to me (I think that's the absolute least she could do) but she's been in total denial all the time.

I just couldn't take it anymore as I had extreme suspicions of her integrity so I went and spied on her.
I know it's a rotten thing to do but I honestly saw no other way out of this, and it seems I really had reason to be suspicious.

I just don't know what to do now, I haven't yet confronted her as she hasn't come home yet but I'm really scared.
My whole life just went down the pooper and there's a strong chance she will become very aggressive and threaten to just leave and never come back if I confront her.

Right now I can't see any sort of future for me at all with all this pain, it just feels like someone forcibly held me down and poured a cubic meter of cement down my throat.

[JasonG]

Well, if it hasn't already happened you guys should definitely break up. This relationship isn't working out anymore for her and that's why she feels it's okay for being so stupidly selfish by cheating on you. It isn't right. It isn't right for you at all. You don't deserve to be cheated on. You deserve someone that loves you back and clearly she does not. The more you stay with her the more you will feel pain and the more mistrust will rise. In the end you will lose her anyway because you are just prolonging the eventual breakup. I think I'd much rather deal with the pain of breaking up then deal with the pain of someone cheating on me on a regular basis and just totally using me for a safety net. Don't put up with this anymore and deal with the pain of breaking up. Make sure you go no contact afterwards as well and do not attempt to contact her no matter how tempted you feel.

[Gigabitch]

I just don't know what to do now, I haven't yet confronted her as she hasn't come home yet but I'm really scared.
My whole life just went down the pooper and there's a strong chance she will become very aggressive and threaten to just leave and never come back if I confront her.

That's not how it should go down. You should dump her cheating ass, not worry that she will leave you. Pack a bag for her and tell her to come back for the rest in a week.

Just because your life went down the pooper is no reason to cling to the biggest piece of poop around.

[Endlessagony]

Well one of the problems is we live in an apartment that we own together, meaning that we each owe the bank about 60000 euros.
This is really tearing me apart, do I go for living in the streets or can I ge a somekinda happy medium?

[girl68]

You can find a happy medium. You will have to find a place to stay, hopefully family or friends can open their doors for you while you guys figure out what to do with the place. Not sure how dividing property works there but you'll have to figure it out- NOW. Get a plan.

[xxazurexx]

Well one of the problems is we live in an apartment that we own together, meaning that we each owe the bank about 60000 euros.
This is really tearing me apart, do I go for living in the streets or can I ge a somekinda happy medium?

No. You put her out on the streets. Why should you leave and when she's the one in the wrong?

[Endlessagony]

Well we've talked about things all day and we might just get this sorted out.
It seems as though is not as bad as I thought, apparently she has not done that much in the form of sex (though there has been pleasuring by hand at least). I want to believe her because she's now fully admitted to having very strong feelings for this other guy and letting it escalate. This to me is much worse than just having sex, she's emotionally attached. But she's admitted to this so I hope she's telling the truth.

She has now promised that we'll see this through properly and that we'll work out all the things that led to her transgression. Naturally I don't want her to have any more contact with him and she agreed to this as well.

We're not definitely getting back together, we're just trying to fix things so I don't have to live with all the pain she caused.
I think it's worth a try, if it doesn't work it'll go down the pooper just like it would if we'd end it all on such a bad note.

[girl68]

I find it VERY hard to believe she's ONLY had manual stimulation... like REALLY next to impossible to believe.

[doppelgaenger]

That's not how it should go down. You should dump her cheating ass, not worry that she will leave you. Pack a bag for her and tell her to come back for the rest in a week.

Just because your life went down the pooper is no reason to cling to the biggest piece of poop around.

Well, what would you do, afloat a sea of shit?

Anyway, you should forgive her, endlessagony. It sounds to me like she's going to straighten up her act and fly right from now on. Sometimes people just need to have a little fun.

[Endlessagony]

I find it VERY hard to believe she's ONLY had manual stimulation... like REALLY next to impossible to believe.

Yes that is a really big problem for me too. For me it wouldn't make matters any worse right now even if she had sex, I just want the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
I guess I have no choice but to believe her about it, it doesn't feel right but she has always been cooky when it comes to sex.

[SapphireBerry]

Right now I can't see any sort of future for me at all with all this pain, it just feels like someone forcibly held me down and poured a cubic meter of cement down my throat.

Pain sucks but you gotta be a man, it was quite silly to go and spy on her. But you are ok to have your suspicions just going over the top will really jeopardise your relationship.
Please do not do anything stupid, it seems like you feel as though the world is crashing down this will all blow over and it may be for better or for worse
you will find a better day and you do have a future just work towards a bright future and try refrain growing so suspicious and making assumptions

[Mathias]

What you put up with is what you stand for.

[lahnnabell]

How do you know she is not still lying to you?

[Endlessagony]

How do you know she is not still lying to you?

Well I don't know really...
I really think she's telling me the truth about what happened, it's much worse anyway that she got so emotionally involved.
What scares me though is that she's leaving something out, not anything she did but that she hasn't been honest about the true extent of her feelings.

I just have to put my faith in this right now because it will be so much easier if we can work it out, even if it ends in us walking away as friends. This whole thing has been a wake-up call for me as well, her infidelity might have never happened if it wasn't for some of my ways. Not saying that I caused this, just saying that I want to learn from it if nothing else.

[Gigabitch]

Why would you want to be friends with someone who cheated on you?