Should I Tell Her I Found This Out?

[Ladies_Man(jks)]

My GF and I were on break for about 4 weeks, but we have been back together for about 4 weeks. Things have been going very well and there have been some awkward moments, but our communication is good and we both are happy. Now for the sticky part...

My GF slept over last night and I let her go on my computer the next morning before I left for work. Well, she left her hotmail account open so I looked at it ... Not a good idea. I found some e-mails from I guy she goes to school with, he in fact did the same summer job as me for two summers. Normaly this is fine with me, my GF has a few guy friends and I know, or at least thought she would never cheat cause she is a real chicken, she's afraid of people finding out the littlest things.

Anyways, turns out this guy has feelings for her and she seems to have had/has feelings for him. Things were rocky between us, even I was getting interested by other girls... But I had asked her during the break if there was someone else and she kept saying no, but that there were other people she could see her self with, which to me sounded normal cause I get the same feelings sometimes. The thing she ommitted was that she was talking with this guy.

Now the e-mails weren't hot and heavy or anything and there were only a a few maybe 4 or 5 with in the span of 6 weeks. In the last one she basically said she still had feelings for me and was able to see after the break that I had feelings for her still and although things weren't perfect between us, she wanted to get back together with me and that she would have to stop talking to him for a while, then there were no more e-mails. She did say that she had to make a choice and that even though she had feelings for this other guy she felt that staying with me was the better choice.

Should I confront my GF with this or not? I know she will be mad at me for looking in her e-mail (I feel bad about doing it), but she'll also feel guilty about having not told me about this other guy.

Now things are going really well and I'm making a good effort as is she. I worry that it if I bring this up it will make the relationship weird and ruin the progress we made, things have changed for the better since the break... I'm not a jealous type and will probably forget about this in a couple of weeks, so I'm not sure it's a good idea to bring it up.

The thing I don't get is the guy is not that good looking, I am far better looking IMO. But, since he is in the same program as her and the program is 99% girls I guess any guy will look good to her... For christs sakes I remeber her showing me pictures of the 3 guys that are in her program and saying how all of them are weird looking lol (this is ~2.5 years ago), how time can change things.

What I worry about is now they won't see each other the whole summer. But, they still have one year of school left, so will the feeling comeback? Usually when something happens like this to me, I forget about them and wonder why I was attracted to them in the first place... I hope it's the same for her.

I've been with my GF for 4 years and 8 months now, I think we both sort of had a 7 year itch thing, cause I felt I needed a break too. Now things are much better between us. I just wish she would have told me about this other guy, I told her straight up that if there was someone else or she felt she needed to meet some people she could, but she said she didn't want to, so these e-mails came as a bit of a surprise.

So should I confront her?

[bluesummer]

NO, you should definitely not confront her about this.

First of all, you were looking in HER email. That's not going to look very good on your part. Secondly, you two were not seeing each other at the time from the sounds of things, so if she happened to develop feelings for someone else during that time, it's really none of your business. You yourself said that you found yourself interested in other girls, so you can't be a hypocrite (whether you did anything or not).

At least she had the decency to break it off with the other guy before getting back with you, instead of stringing you both along. As far as I can see, she didn't cheat on you or do anything to break your trust (except not tell you about him - but again, that's her choice really), so you need to give her the benefit of the doubt snd just trust her. You're only going to start up alot of bullsh*t if you decide to confront her with it. Let it go.

[Ellynn]

I agree with blue summer. You need to let it go. She told this guy how she was still into you and wanted to be with you. So, therefore she made her choice, and you should be happy. Afterall, she DID choose YOU!

Since you were on a break, it was fair game for her to talk to other people. Obviously she realized she wanted to be with you. But, her talking to another guy is no crime. I wouldn't worry so much.

[vashti]

Should I confront my GF with this or not? I know she will be mad at me for looking in her e-mail (I feel bad about doing it), but she'll also feel guilty about having not told me about this other guy.

Confront her? You have violated her privacy only to find that she is loyal to YOU. Honestly, I can't understand why you would want to say anything. YOU WON. duh! "Confronting" her as if she has done something "wrong" will drive her right into his arms. Then again, the following paragraph makes me think that might be best for her because what you wrote is really very obnoxious.

The thing I don't get is the guy is not that good looking, I am far better looking IMO. But, since he is in the same program as her and the program is 99% girls I guess any guy will look good to her... For christs sakes I remeber her showing me pictures of the 3 guys that are in her program and saying how all of them are weird looking lol (this is ~2.5 years ago), how time can change things.

[Ladies_Man(jks)]

Alright, thats what I thought. Listen I'm really not like that normally and I felt very guilty of looking in her e-mails and will never do that again... Confront was the wrong word, I'm not really mad with her at all, like I said I never really got jealous about other guys that much. I just thought that I should be truthful to her and even though I looked through her e-mail, I figured it would be better I talk to her about it then leave it be. Thanks for telling me otherwise and I guess I'll forget about it. The only thing that bothered me was that in the last e-mail she explained that she was going to stay with me, but also said that it didn't change her feelings that she had for him ... That has me a little worried.

[Ladies_Man(jks)]

Yeah I guess it was obnoxious and I'm not one to act like that, it was kind of in the heat of the moment and I'm sorry for talking like that....

But, it is still funny that she would laugh and say "I have 3 guys in my program and they are all ugly" and that was about 2.5 years ago and now she seems to have fallen for one of them lol.

Anyways I am happy she choose to stay with me and that means that I mean a lot to her and she means a lot to me...

But, they would go play badminton together and stuff, so... How do I handle this if she starts doing things with him again? Cause it is kind of hard to ignore what I saw.

[bluesummer]

Guess what.....a lot of people in relationships run around harbouring feelings for other people. I know I have. As long as they don't act on them, then it's no big deal and no threat to the relationship.

[Ladies_Man(jks)]

[QUOTE=bluesummer]NO, you should definitely not confront her about this.

First of all, you were looking in HER email. That's not going to look very good on your part. Secondly, you two were not seeing each other at the time from the sounds of things, so if she happened to develop feelings for someone else during that time, it's really none of your business. You yourself said that you found yourself interested in other girls, so you can't be a hypocrite (whether you did anything or not).

Yeah, but their relationship started before we went on break (some of the e-mails were datedbefore the time we went on break by about 3 weeks) and I asked if the reason she wanted space was cause she found someone else. I also think many people in relationships will have little crushes on other people around them, but they seemed to be getting pretty close.

She told me specifically that she wasn't looking for a realationship with anyone else right away and that she just needed some time by herself. She kind of lied to me. I was straight up with her and told her that there were girls that I could see myself with, but never acted on it because I loved her and would not be one to cheat or look elsewhere unless we broke up. She knows I'm not jealous, I mean I told her to go meet new people and she said many times no I don't want to meet new people and there is no one else involved, why couldn't she tell me she had started having feelings for this guy, before we even went on break?

I know I was wrong for looking in her e-mails, but her actions weren't very loyal either.

Like I said I need to vent right now, but I'll forgetabout this.

By the way what made me look at her e-mail was I had MSN messages from a guy on my computer cause her MSN stayed open and I didn't remeber this guy so I got worried and checked her e-mail. Then I remebered the guy is a son of her family's friends, but it was too late, I saw the other e-mails from the other guy.

[vashti]

Guess what.....a lot of people in relationships run around harbouring feelings for other people. I know I have. As long as they don't act on them, then it's no big deal and no threat to the relationship.

I agree.

I was straight up with her and told her that there were girls that I could see myself with, but never acted on it because I loved her and would not be one to cheat or look elsewhere unless we broke up. .

This sounds like exactly the same scenario she was in with the other guy. Maybe she COULD see herself with the other guy, but she never acted on it because she loves you and doesn't cheat.

She knows I'm not jealous, I mean I told her to go meet new people and she said many times no I don't want to meet new people and there is no one else involved, .

I bet you told her to go meet other people only because you knew she wouldn't (or thought she couldn't). Otherwise, why would you be so upset that she DID meet someone else?

why couldn't she tell me she had started having feelings for this guy, before we even went on break? .

It doesn't sound like her feelings were very deep for him. If they were, she would have dumped you. You are makingthis a bigger deal than it ever was.

Your girlfriend sounds like a smart, compassionate, sensitive and mature young woman who recognizes your insecurities and doesn't try to exploit them. You should appreciate her goodness.

[Ladies_Man(jks)]

Wow I guess I'll forget about coming back here for help. My Insecurities now you make it sound like she stays with me out of piety.

No I wouldn't have cared if she met new people, but she said she didn't want to ... I would have rather she just told me.

She has a lot of guy friends and IMO if she wanted tohook upwith one of them I'm sure she could so it wasn't that I thought she couldn't....

I mean jees I let her hang out with her x-boyfriend all the time, I'm actually one of his best friends, I never felt insecure. I was just bothered by the fact that she felt she couldn't tell me, because I have always made it clear that although I maybe a bit hurt, I am not one to freak out about those things. It's not so much the guy that bothers me it's more the fact that we had decided we weren't going to beat around the bush and be honest with eachother, since one of the problems in our relationship was our lack of communication and being able to tell each other things we felt uncomfortable about. We talked about meeting other people and she kept saying she had no interest, you guys think that what she did was right. I told her straight up one of the girls I was interested in because she wanted to know and she couldn't do the same when she knows I would have liked to have known too.

[bugmenot]

Wow I guess I'll forget about coming back here for help. My Insecurities now you make it sound like she stays with me out of piety.

no, because she loves you. But i think youve already decided what she meant, so why did you even post?

[vashti]

Wow I guess I'll forget about coming back here for help. My Insecurities now you make it sound like she stays with me out of piety. .

Are you trying to say you don't have any insecurities? What guy doesn't have insecurities? Everyone has them.

You are a pretty defensive kind of guy, aren't you? No one is trying to pick on you. We are trying to HELP you avoid making a mistake.

[Ladies_Man(jks)]

Well, whatever you guys want to say. I talked to one of my friends (a girl, who just came off a break she took from her relationship) she thinks I should tell her what I did. I thought I should to, because in a sense I am covering up something I know and I don't find that healthy for my relationship.

Just to erase any misinterpretations, I wasn't going to attack my GF about this, I just wanted to tell her what I did and apologize as well as tell her I won't do it again (which I won't, big mistake to look at GF's e-mail or any private stuff). Since it happened, I figured we could just talk about it together and burry the hatchet, that way I won't have this terrible feeling of hiding something. I know it will damage her trusting me, but I figure if I am gonna hide crooked stuff that I did from her then it just isn't a healthy relationship. I may as well get everything into the open.... I've never been someone to hold in a lie, well the occasional white lie here and there, but you know what I mean.

If she can't accept my mistake and forgive me then, I guess our relationship isn't as strong as I thought.... As much as that hurts to say. But, I think that after 5 years of dating, she should be able to accept my mistake, this is my first major mistake I've made in the relationship and I feel terrible about it....

Don't get me wrong, the guy bugs me a bit and I hope we can talk about it to clear some things, but what is hurting me most is the fact that I'm keeping this from her.

Like my friend told me, you're better off telling her than her finding out through me after a night out drinking or something. Thats the way I felt about it too.

By the way, my friend is very close with both me and my GF, I knew her in High School and my GF knew her from elementary school and later on my GF came to our High School, so there is no bias im my friends opionion.

[dreamer101]

I can understand where you are comming from LM, and I disagree with what everyone has said here. Thought I am not sure I agree with what you are about to do. Everyone: the point here is that she hid it from him. I know I would like my partner to be completely open and honest with me, and after 4 years, that better be the case.... and NO from the sounds of it LM would not have freaked out if she told him straight out, because at the end of the day she chose him over the other guy, but the fact that she didn't tell him is whats freaked him out.

But yeah, thats just what I think. Looking at her emails shouldn't be a big deal either, if it is after 4 years, then you got something to hide.

[Ladies_Man(jks)]

So you don't think I should tell her Dreamers 101, but you agree with how I feel?